First Issue - April 2, 1999

To all of you Magnificent Spiritual Beings reading my Journal,

Hi.  What a week.  Actually, it was 11 days.  I was amazed when I looked at the calendar to see what day it was that I got the idea for the Journal and saw that it was March 22nd. (hmmm, 11 and 22, both prime numbers - interesting.)  Amazing to get even the abbreviated version that I did get out, posted by the first of April.  I am quite proud of myself actually.  I not only wrote 2 full articles that are new, and I think quite good, (the Joy to You & Me Story & Child Boundaries - although I had the outlines of that one written for a workshop last month) - but reedited the Trilogy pages - and then had to design all the pages (a very time consuming task - putting in the links, checking them them all, the very designing of the pages is difficult working in html, uploading them, uploading them again, etc. etc.)  At the same time in those 11 days I did a workshop and moved 120 miles - which involved two trips of packing, sorting, storing, etc. and moving my computer.

All in all, it was quite an amazing accomplishment.

There came a point at about 5 AM on the 30th that I had to admit to myself that I wasn't going to get all of the articles I wanted to get done in time to make the goal of April 1st.  To say nothing of the design and figuring out the password protection thing.  So, Accepting the things I could not change - I then needed to look at what I could change.  It came down to changing the date of publication or changing the paradigm that I was working in.  That is when I got clear that I needed to change the plan.

So the Universe had a different plan than I did - what else is new!

That is when I decided to change the Journal from being 7 issues to 8 and making the first one a free preview issue.  This is probably a much better marketing strategy anyway (something the Universe needs to nudge me on since it is the last thing I think about usually.)  Hopefully I will get a lot more subscribers this way. (I had 12 founding subscribers which is a pretty interesting Cosmic number in itself.)

The Journal as it is now has several less articles/features than I was planning - but since it is free no one will need to feel ripped off - and all is unfolding perfectly in The Divine Plan of The Goddess.

So the future issues will include installments of both of my new books.  The first installment of the process level book Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light will come in the next issue - which is scheduled for publication on May 1st - Beltane (an ancient Celtic Holiday that I feel a strong connection to from my Druid lifetimes.)

The next section of the Trilogy includes a shocking announcement from my Higher Self that leaves me speechless and dumbfounded - and the first of three different descriptions of the Creation of the Universe.  There are three because each depiction makes some facets of it clearer, some aspect of the Nature of the Universe more understandable - or at least I hope it does.  ( My favorite description of Creation is the second which includes play-by-play analysis from our commentators Alpha and Omega - boy do they get excited.)

As I was writing the above, I started getting clearer on the schedule for publication of these Journals.  So I guess that is what I need to include here now.  The dates, as I see it now, will each be significant dates to me - and will also be tied into the content of the Journal.

For instance the next issue will be published on May 1st.  It will include a description of the Creation which is connected to the Feature article for that issue which is: Twin Souls, Souls Mates, and the True Nature of Love.  The fact that it is Beltane will also be significant in some way that I am not clear on - perhaps an article about some of my  past life experiences, or maybe one examining the Truth in Pagan religions.  I don't know yet - More will be revealed about that.

The next date will be June 3rd which is the 13th anniversary of my Codependence Recovery - and Thank God for that.

Then July 11th - a milestone date on which I uncovered some fundamental Truths for myself in relationship to my Masculine energy.

Then August 14th - the day that for me personally is a huge bench mark.  The day that is in some ways Independence Day for me because that was the day that in terms of my personal connection to the Higher Mind, the Energy Field of Collective Human Emotional Consciousness reversed to Positive - and my week long battle with evil in Sedona Arizona ended.  And it was my inner child that saved the day.

Anyway, enough of all that for now.  As usual I got off on a tangent.  Tangential ramblings as a friend of mine calls it.

Besides the two books there are going to be 2 other series of articles. The Miracle of The Twleve Step Process  will be a series on working the 12 steps and "The Path of One Recovering Codependent ~ the dance of one wounded soul" a series of Stories about the Miracles and Divine Intervention that I have experienced on my Spiritual Path.

There will be a new feature article each issue.  As I mentioned, the one for the next issue is: Twin Souls, Souls Mates, and the True Nature of Love.

There will also be several other sections - which I am still not completely clear on.  There will be some short articles like the one this issue about my daily prayers and affirmations.  There also may be a section with humor and inspiration from the internet - which may include some stories and poems and such that I have been sent.  I also will include a question and answer section if there are any subscribers who want to send in questions.

More Will Be Revealed about how this is all going to unfold.  And, of course, we all know (or any of you that have read my newsletters - The links in these newsletters are now all set up so they open in a separate browser window.) that my plans usually end up giving way to the Universes Plans (what am I saying usually - always is more like it!)  I was talking to someone the other day and really liked how I said something (this sort of thing happens a lot - when I listen to myself consciously I learn.  It was a little over 15 years ago when I first realized that I could consciously "move" my ego-self aside and allow myself to be a clear channel for my Higher Self / The Spirit.)

"The purpose of me making plans is to provide God with a framework in which to teach me about surrender, acceptance, patience, and Faith."

I think that is really beautiful and True - and it also pisses me off some.  Oh well.

So, I need to wrap up the Journal discussion here because I still need to tell you about the importance of April 1st in my personal "important dates" cosmology.

The price of the Journal has gone up (see below) and will go up again in two weeks.  And I think it will go up again at some point after that.  What I am sharing here is valuable and worthwhile information - and I think quite entertaining.  I deserve to have some energy return to me for all the energy that I am putting out. (Boy, had to talk my inner children into going along with that one - they got a little scared about making such a bold statement of my worth.)

Of course, I get great enJoyment out of doing this and I do have energy returning in the form of wonderful feedback from you all. 

But I also deserve some more of that green energy in my life.  I can accept anything that the Great Spirit puts in my path but I do not have to settle for less than I deserve in what I am creating because my True Reality is Abundance, Joy, and Love.  And I can know that and feel it even when I am sleeping on the floor of my office as I was when I started writing this Journal.  I have now moved up to sleeping on a friends couch - and even when I was sleeping on the floor the Universe was providing for all my needs because I won a free week at a health club that week (Love those Miracles of coincidence) so I had a place to shower. 

Abundance is flowing in my life easily and effortlessly, freely and abundantly.

Another tangent there.  Oh well.  The Journal, as I was saying, is worth what I am charging for it and more.  There will be no option to buy individual issues.  Because of publishing the books in installments and the serial nature of some of the articles - it is a case of buy the whole package or not.  It will always be possible to subscribe to all of the issues at whatever price it is at that time - this is the only issue that will be available singularly.  Hopefully, a significant number of you value what I am sharing enough to improve the flow of green energy into my life significantly.

Now about April 1st.  April fools day here in the states - I am not sure if that is just an American thing or if it is more Universal.  I also don't have any idea where it came from - just that it is a day when people play practical jokes and say "April Fools" - kind of stupid really. 

On April 1st 1990 I met a woman that felt like my soul mate.  And I knew that the fact that it was April Fools Day was no accident.  It was my Higher Power saying - now pay attention.

This was shortly after I had moved to Cambria California - which is the only area that I have ever lived or visited that really felt like "home" energetically.  I was living in a wonderful place - mostly it was wonderful because I had a hot tub.  The place itself was a very small studio apartment that was furnished with way too many things for the limited space.  But the hot tub was divine.  I could sit in the hot tub naked in the middle of the night gazing at the stars and listening to the seals barking.  It was a very short walk to a small forest that contained a meadow with what to me felt like a sacred mound.  (And I think it probably had to the Indians also. The Chumash Indians of this part of the country have very strong ties to the continent of Mu as I have.  Some people think this part of the country was part of Mu - that doesn't feel right to me - I am not clear about that yet - More Will Be Revealed.)  I could then walk up a forested ridge to the top of a hill - and there was the ocean.  Often when I got to the top I would see whales.  Often in the forest I encountered deer.  I Loved it.

Well, on April the first of 1990 I was walking to this mound meadow when out of this house down the street from me appeared a beautiful woman heading out for a walk herself.  We felt this immediate connection and ended up talking in the meadow on the mound for hours.  It felt wonderful and I knew that I could fall madly in love with this woman.

Now, I was aware that it was April Fools Day, so that evening when I got home I did some writing and meditating.  (I have not in this lifetime been able to do formal meditation - as in sitting - due to an experience I had in one of my Druid lifetimes.  It is an example that I use in my book of how things that I used to beat myself up and judge myself for had a very good reason underneath, on another level, that caused my resistance.  Meditation for me is basically listening to the messages coming through.  I do that in a variety of ways - including walking meditation, while I am driving, etc.)

I had gotten very clear by that time in my recovery that a bottom line for me in staying clear with myself and on my path was to stop buying into the illusion of victimization.

And before I go on with this April Fools story, I want to make clear what I mean by the illusion of victimization. 

Here is a quote from my book. 

"On the level of our perspective of the process it is very important to stop buying into the false beliefs that as adults we are victims and someone else is to blame - or that we are to blame because there is something wrong with us. 

[One of the things which makes it difficult to discuss this phenomena of Codependence is that there are multiple levels - multiple perspectives - which are involved in this life experience. Viewing life from a perspective, on the level, of individuals who have experienced racial, cultural, religious, or sexual discrimination or abuse, there are many instances in which there has been Truth in the belief of victimization. On the level of the historical human experience, all human beings have been victims of the conditions which caused Codependence. Almost any statement can be shown to be false on some levels and True on other levels, so it is important to realize that the use of discernment is vital to start perceiving the boundaries between different levels.

In the next section, Part Five, when I discuss the Cosmic Perspective and the Cosmic Perfection of this life experience, I will be discussing the paradox, and confusion to human beings, that has been the result of these multiple levels of reality - but I have devoted Part Two and Part Four to discussing the Spiritual growth process and our perspective on that process because the Cosmic Perfection does not mean crap unless we can start integrating it into our day to day life experience. 

In order to start changing life into an easier, more enjoyable experience by attaining some integration and balance in our relationships it is necessary to focus on, and clear up, our relationship with this Spiritual Evolutionary process that we are involved in. On the level of that Spiritual growth process it is vital to let go of the belief in victimization and blaming.] 

As I said, the goal of healing is not to become perfect, it is not to "get healed." Healing is a process, not a destination - we are not going to arrive at a place in this lifetime where we are completely healed. 

The goal here is to make life an easier and more enjoyable experience while we are healing. The goal is to LIVE. To be able to feel happy, Joyous, and free in the moment, the majority of the time. 

To get to a place where we are free to be happy in the moment most of the time, we need to change our perspectives enough to start recognizing Truth when we see or hear it. And the Truth is that we are Spiritual Beings having a human experience that is unfolding perfectly and always has been, there are no accidents, coincidences, or mistakes - so there is no blame to be assessed. 

 The goal here is to be and enjoy! We can't do that if we are judging and shaming ourselves. We can't do that if we are blaming ourselves or others."

 Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

In other words - in relationship to my Spiritual Path everything that is happening is perfect part of the lesson plan (including temporary homelessness.)  Even though it may look like someone is victimizing me on this level - on a Cosmic level that person is a teacher who is helping me in my studies.  I have always much preferred the nice teachers but the asshole teachers are the ones that were necessary to force me to start learning how to set boundaries and protect myself.  It is important for me to bless and be grateful for those teachers that were acting like jerks at the same time that I was eliminating them from my life.

There are times that I will feel like a victim - of other people as well as of God's Divine Perfect Plan (which often seems stupid and very slow working to me.)  That is why it is so important for me to have a boundary internally between the emotional and intellectual levels of my being - and within the emotional level, in what I am feeling.

Within the emotional level I need to have consciousness of my inner child wounds so that I can tell when it is an inner child place within, my wounded soul, that is reacting - and when what I am feeling is an intuitive message from my Soul.  The only way to get clarity in terms of being able to discern which emotional messages are telling me the Truth and which are reacting out of the emotional truth of my childhood was to do the inner child healing work - which involves doing the grieving, the emotional energy release work.

And in order to be clear on the emotional level it was necessary for me to learn to set the boundaries intellectually.  I had to pay attention to my thoughts in order to start changing the way I think.  I had to get aware of the thoughts that were coming form the disease so I could tell the Critical Parent/disease voice to shut up - and learn to listen to the messages from what used to be the "small quiet voice" of my intuition.  The more I healed the more I turned down the volume on the negative, fear based messages of the disease and tuned into the intuitive channel.

What is dysfunctional for me is when I am feeling like a victim out of an inner child wound and listening to the Critical Parent tell me that I am a failure, loser, unlovable, etc.  That is when I start spiraling downward real fast, that is when I crash and burn.  When I am allowing that to happen (which is the natural and normal dynamics of the disease and not something to feel ashamed of - the disease gets us to trash ourselves and then turns around and tells us to beat ourself up for trashing ourselves - Truly insidious and powerful.)  When I am caught in this disease dynamic (being my own perpetrator and victim) is when I create negative emotional states that I can get caught in for periods of time.  Depression, despair, self pity, resentment, etc. are not emotions but emotional states that are created by negative attitudes that I am buying into.  In each of those emotional states I am buying into the belief that I am the victim.  In order not to create negative emotional states I have to catch myself anytime I am buying into the belief that I am the victim (of myself for being flawed or defective - or others - including the Divine Plan) - and again not beat myself up for it.

When I am buying into the belief in victimization I am lying to myself (letting the disease's lies have power.)  Anytime I catch myself coming from a victim perspective I am not telling myself my Highest Truth.

Learning how to take my power back from the disease by not buying into victim illusions was probably the single most important facet of my recovery.  A big milestone in that process occurred on April 1st 1990.

And you thought I was off on a tangent again didn't you. :-)

One of the biggest areas in this culture where we are trained to come from a victim perspective is in relationship to romance.  We are taught about "falling in love" as if it were a camouflaged hole in the sidewalk that we were powerless over falling into.  Falling in love is a choice - which is what I got to get real clear on starting on that April Fools Day in 1990 

Falling in love is a state of mind which is very different from Loving someone.  Love is a vibrational frequency that we can tune into (more on that in the article next month.)  What we learned growing up was love that was an addiction - with the other person as our drug of choice, our Higher Power.  (See Toxic Love )   Love is not something that someone else gives to us - it is something that another being can help us to remember and access.  (See Wedding Prayer or Adventure in Romance.)

I understood much of this only theoretically - and not that much - that afternoon in the meadow by the sea.  What I had gotten real clear on by that time is that buying into being a victim was disempowering and dysfunctional for me.  So that evening I got real clear with myself.  It went something like this:

"OK.  Let's look at this.  Here is a beautiful woman who feels like she might be my soul mate.  Having that powerful an emotional, energetic reaction to her could mean that she is my soul mate but it is much more likely to mean that she is unavailable in a way that is perfect for my patterns.  I have choices here.  (Empowerment is all about owning that we always have choices - Empowerment & Victimization page.)  I can run away in fear that she is a repeat of old patterns but if I do that I won't learn anything. I can choose to explore what this connection with her is - in which case I will probably get hurt.

Since getting hurt is an inevitable part of life and I definitely need to learn some lessons about romance and emotional intimacy - I think that I will explore what our connection is - but do it differently than I ever have before.  I will make a commitment to myself (our first commitment needs always to be to our self) to learn whatever lessons I need to learn from this woman and will remain alert so that I do not buy into any victim beliefs.  I am choosing to go into the emotional place that she will lead me to learn lessons about my self.  I will not buy into the belief that she is victimizing me.  When I am hurting because: she is not doing what I want her to;  when she is not opening up to the potential of how wonderful we could be together;  when she is reacting to her fears and wounds; I will always remember that I choose to venture down the path this way and that any feelings that result will be my responsibility - they will be the consequences of my choice.  They will not be her fault.  She does not have the power to hurt me unless I give it to her - and I am choosing to give her some power over my feelings.  (Article on Codependent vs Interdependent )

I also know that I do not have to give her any power over my self esteem.  How she reacts to me will not be because there is something wrong with me, or because I have done something wrong.  My self worth is not dependent on any outside source - including, and especially, someone that I am choosing to fall in love with.

I commit to myself not to beat myself up for my choices but rather to strive to have compassion for any wounds that are uncovered or new wounds that are suffered.  I will stay conscious and stay alert to the lessons that are there to be learned - and I will also have a lot of fun playing around with the energy of being in love.  I haven't let the romantic in me out to play for quite awhile and it will feel really good to dance with that wonderful vibrational high that comes from being in love.  I will keep firm boundaries with that wonderful romantic part of me in order to not build up expectations that will cause more pain than is necessary.

So, yes I choose to go where this beautiful teacher can take me and learn what I need to learn - and also to allow myself to grieve when wounds are uncovered or gauged anew.  Let's go for it!  Full speed ahead on a romantic adventure!  As a responsible adult on a Spiritual Path that is being guided home to Love."

Okay, Okay - so the above is a little advanced for where I was at that time on my path.  It is probably a more accurate depiction of where I was back in December in my latest romantic adventure.  But it is, in essence, what happened back then.  I didn't have all the words and levels of understanding that I do now - but I was clear that I needed to make a commitment to myself to not buy into the belief in victimization.  That whatever feelings resulted were my responsibility.  It was the clearest, most mature and responsible place from which I had ever embarked on a relationship adventure - and a very important milestone in my process.

That is why April 1st is an important day in my personal 'important dates' cosmology.

Okay, Okay, yes I will tell you the outcome.  She ended up marrying an old boy friend who was not capable of even saying "I love you" to her.  I commiserated with her for many hours about how unavailable he was to her and how painful that was.  And in the end she married him (for a year or so - I don't know where she is now.  I would love to get in touch with her again.)  She was a perfect actress to cast in an emotional learning experience that helped me see my pattern about being attracted to unavailable women on a new level.  I stayed true to my commitment on a level that was remarkable for where I was at in my process at the time. It was a wonderful - and very painful - opportunity for growth that I am very grateful I experienced.  I send her blessings and Love wherever she is - and Thanks. 

It was a perfect chapter in the unfolding of my life story.

So that is the story of April 1st - and it is time to get this page transformed into a web page so I can publish it and then send out the announcement about the Journal.