I had not even started to digest the concept of all imagination being
memory, and here she was talking about memories of the future. My
Higher Self does this to me all the time, reveals some new and startling
perspective that requires me to redefine how I look at some aspect of reality
as I understand it - and then before the dust of my old, shattered definition
has settled, She/He adds something even more mindboggling on top of it.
"Of course the future bucko," she smiled. "If you will just take
a moment to relax and remember, to 'give yourself permission to know' as
you put it a minute ago, youíll be able to bring to awareness how it is
possible to have memories of the future."
"You know," I said, feeling very tired as I sat there kneeling by the
stream. "I had expected that if you, or anyone, appeared to me to
give me some direct guidance, that I would be the one asking the questions
- and you would do the answering."
"And are those expectations of yours generating some feelings?"
She smiled that mischievous grin of hers.
"I guess it's a little irritating," I said, mentally scanning
my body to see if there was any tightness or tension that revealed emotional
energy that I wasn't dealing with. All I could discover was that
I was real tired. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.
"I'm just tired right now. I don't seem to be too uptight about the
way things are going."
"Well good," she communicated, "then you didn't put too much energy
into your expectations this time."
"No, I guess not. Maybe because I never really believed that you
were going to appear to me," I laughed. An important part of my healing
process had been learning to be honest with myself about my expectations.
Because I grew up in a society where people were taught that other people
could control their feelings, and vise versa - with messages like 'you
hurt my feelings' and 'you make me angry' - I had spent most of my life
trying to control the feelings of others and blaming them for my feelings.
The message that I had gotten early in my healing process - and had found
necessary to remember again and again as new levels of growth and self-honesty
were reached - was that 'no one can make me feel hurt or angry, it's my
expectations that cause me to generate feelings of hurt or anger.'
In other words, the reason I feel hurt or anger is because other people
- or God - are not doing what I want them, expect them, to do.
"And at the same time that you didn't really expect it to happen," telepathed
my beautiful unicorn, "you also knew on another level that it would.
Didn't you?"
"Yes, I guess I did," I replied, looking at her as the point she was
making sunk in. "Memories of the future!"
"Bingo!" She looked quite satisfied with herself as she used her
favorite expression again.
I had to smile and chuckle looking at this amazing creature. Her
method of getting me to answer my own questions was certainly working in
terms of helping me to remember things that I had forgotten.
"Memories of the future," I repeated. Then I put that phrase,
which had shocked me so much a moment ago, together with the thought that
had just gone through my mind, "helping me remember things that I
had forgotten."
Just at that moment another line from my favorite book of Truth came
to mind.
"Learning is finding out what you already know."
- Richard Bach, Illusions
"Bingo," I exclaimed, much to the delight of my Higher Self. I
jumped up and started pacing again.
"'Learning is finding out what you already know', 'memories of the future',
'remembering things I had forgotten'," I recited the three phrases as I
paced along the stream. Then I added another message, that had been
so helpful, to the collection. 'Every time I say 'I don't know',
I am commanding myself not to know, and blocking my channel to the place
of knowing.'
Even though I had been aware of most of these messages for a while,
I had never put them together. Now I could see that it made perfect
sense to connect them. One of the things that has been so exciting
about my growth process has been how rationally logical Truth is when it
is understood in a large enough context. Truth is not a product of
rational logic because our rational mind defines things and these definitions
put limits on our understanding. For that reason, it is almost impossible
to arrive at Truth through rational logic. But when I am open to
my intuition, the right brain Spiritual channel to Truth, information comes
through that takes me beyond my definitions. And that information,
when I have gone beyond my definitions and expanded my perspective, is
always perfectly logical. Then I can not only feel the emotional
energy that is Truth in my body, but I can also see that it makes perfectly
logical sense in the proper perspective. All of the pieces of the
puzzle fit together perfectly.
"But, as you know, the left brain rational computer," my Higher Self
fit her communication perfectly into my thought process once again, "that
is the aide-de-camp to the human lower ego, fights the growth process because
of it's programming."
"Right," I said. "The programming that has allowed us to survive
all these years, ironically is the very programming that causes us to resist
the growth that we so vitally need."
The human lower ego is the part of our being whose responsibility it
is to ensure physical survival. Survival translates on many levels
as avoiding pain. So, the single most important and valuable tool
of the ego-self in it's fight for survival is fear. All humans have
a primal fear of the unknown. This fear of the unknown goes hand
in hand with the primal need to define who we are in relationship to our
environment. On the most primitive level, it was necessary for us
to define our relationship to the world around us in order to know what
was food, what was something beneficial, what would cause us pain - like
a saber toothed tiger, etc. By the same token it was necessary for
us to fear the unknown so that we would check to see what was in the cave
before we entered it. These two primal needs, which were so vital
in a hostile environment, are now two of our greatest blocks to growth
- because the lower ego fights to keep it's definitions and avoid the unknown.
Through thousands of years of trial and error the lower ego was genetically
programed to fear the unknown and to define itself in terms of avoiding
pain - to live life based on fear. It was also programmed to try
to conform. In the course of human evolution, humans found that in
order to survive it was necessary to be a part of a larger group - a family,
a clan, a tribe, a society. For outcasts rarely survived, and when
they did survive by forming their own group, they then also formed their
own rules that others had to conform to or be cast out. So the human
ego carries - as a survival priority - a primal type of need to belong.
To be accepted as a part of a larger group - so as not to be cast out.
So to my human ego, any strong flow of emotional energy represents a
threat to survival because it had built up its' defenses in reaction, not
only to the Spiritually hostile, emotionally repressive environment which
I had been born into in this lifetime, but also to thousands of years of
evolutionary programming. In the society I grew up in, being emotional
was described as 'falling apart', 'losing it', 'going to pieces', 'coming
unglued', etc., - so the message my ego got was that it had to maintain
'control' of emotions in order to survive. The result of those messages,
and the role modeling of the emotionally damaged adults that I grew up
around, was that I was programmed to resist feeling my feelings.
Not only was it not okay to feel sad or afraid or too angry - it was also
not okay to feel too happy either. To be emotional in the society
I grew up in - was to be unstable, or crazy, or a fool.
So the resistance to growth and to feeling my feelings which I feel,
is not just some kind of a 'character defect'. It consists of ages
old adaptations of behaviors and attitudes which the human species found
necessary for survival. It was important for me to start understanding
this so that I could stop judging myself for my fear and resistance.
I had to learn to accept, and honor, my fears and my resistance - in order
to stop fighting the growth process so much. Then I could start to
align myself with the growth process and make my experience of life easier
and more enjoyable. Then I could start to understand that faith is
not the absence of fear - faith is having the courage to face my fears
and walk through them so that I can reach the next level of growth.
"And Truth is the Light that leads us out of the darkness of fear,"
I found myself saying. I was really enjoying this process of communicating
with someone who could read my mind. It was so much easier to communicate
when my thought process didn't have to be explained.
"That's a bingo, bucko."
I was also beginning to realize how often my Higher Self's comments
were about both my thoughts and what I was saying aloud at the same time.
"And that's one of the reasons that everything has been so screwed up,"
I continued, really getting excited about this process of just going with
the flow of the information that was coming through, "there wasn't any
integration of the different levels. Western civilization has focused
entirely on the horizontal, physical reality, level and allowed the lower
ego to define the vertical, Spiritual, level in human horizontal terms.
That's why Western civilization has had so many wars in the name of religion
- because it didn't have any understanding of the multiple levels, it just
focused on the horizontal, material plane. Meanwhile much of Eastern
philosophy has focused on the vertical and pretty much tried to ignore
the horizontal. So it has taught that it was necessary to let go
of attachment to the material and the lower ego. Both points of view
are out of balance. The horizontal and the vertical need to be integrated,
and each needs to be understood in the proper perspective. Balance
comes from bringing the lower ego and the needs of the horizontal into
alignment with Spiritual Truth so that there isn't any conflict between
the two."
"It is through dying that one awakens to eternal life," telepathed my
Higher Self, quoting the St. Francis prayer.
"Exactly," I said, "'the death of the ego' - which is a process not
an event. The process of aligning with Truth feels like a death to
the lower ego because each time it has to let go of it's attachment to
it's ways of defining life - it feels like a part of it is dying."
"And it is death because that's what death is - transformation."
"'Every ending is a beginning'."
"'Every cloud has a silver lining'."
"'What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, God calls a butterfly'."
I was laughing now as my unicorn and I traded sayings that express Truth.
Humans have always had sayings that refer to the paradox that results from
the multiple levels of existence. Lack of understanding about that
paradox and how it applies to daily living has been the human dilemma.
Another important message, that I had gotten early in my awakening to the
Spiritual purpose of life, was 'there are no problems, only opportunities
for growth'. This slight shift in perspective was the beginning of
my Spiritual awakening. When I started looking at life as a growth
process full of opportunities, instead of an ordeal full of problems, was
when my life started changing for the better. And through it all
I was guided by the Light of Truth - that feeling in my heart chakra that
something that I had heard or read or thought was the Truth. It was
that 'small quiet voice inside' that told me what direction to follow.
And that small quiet voice, that special feeling in my heart, was my Soul
saying 'you got it bucko'.
"You got it, bucko," communicated my unicorn.
I turned and looked at her, realizing what had just happened.
As I looked at her, I felt my heart expanding, and suddenly I was so filled
with Joy and Love that it started spilling out of me in the form of tears.
I had known for a long time that my Higher Self definitely had a sense
of humor. Throughout history the symbols, in different cultures,
of spiritual guidance have been known for their sense of humor - like the
trickster coyote of certain Native American tribes. Everyone I know,
who is on a conscious Spiritual path, talks about the sense of humor shown
by their Higher Power, or guardian angel, or whatever they call their Spiritual
guide. Or as my favorite book puts it:
"You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature,
the playful Spiritual being that is your real self."
- Richard Bach, Illusions
The tears were spilling down my face now because there had always been
another aspect of my Higher Self that I did not understand. Because
my guide uses humor so often to show me that I am taking this illusion
of life too seriously - I, in my humanness, had often reacted with anger,
because that very sense of humor had at times felt sadistic to me.
I had often thought that it was easy for my Higher Self to think things
were funny because He/She was not having to feel the emotional pain that
I was experiencing. It is on the days when I am feeling abandoned
by God that I call my Higher Power a 'fucking asshole'.
In that moment when I said 'my Soul saying, you got it bucko' - I had
seen and felt a new level of understanding about my Higher Self.
It suddenly became very clear to me that my Higher Self is me at the end
of the journey. She/He is me reaching back through the illusion of
time to help me remember Truth. For that moment I had felt the incredible
compassion and Love of my own Soul for me. And in that compassion
I had felt a sadness so profound and exquisite that it felt almost like
Joy.
"Yes," communicated my unicorn, with just a hint of tears in her eyes,
"there is a profound sadness. For what you have not realized until
now is that there is an emotional level of sadness that your Spiritual
Self, your Soul, feels. It is a vibrational frequency only a fraction
removed from the frequency which is Ecstasy, and it feels much the same.
For your perceptual reality has been one of great pain and suffering -
and though it is illusion, it feels like reality. So your Soul, your
real self, feels the profound sadness of your perception of the human experience
at the same time that it knows the Joy of the Truth of ONENESS."
I fell to my knees and threw my arms around her neck. I held her
tightly and cried. Tears streamed down my face as great sobs of emotional
energy tore loose from within me. For in that moment I had touched
a level of grief for all human souls. A profound and exquisite sadness
over the pain involved in the illusion of being in body.
The sadness of the grief and the Joy of the Knowing felt as one.
For in Touching the sadness of my Soul for the me who is experiencing this
evolutionary journey, I had gotten a glimpse of my God. The God who
is LOVE.
As usual when I surrendered to the grief and allowed the emotional energy
to flow, I felt wonderful when I was done crying. As I disengaged
from my unicorns neck and sat up, I noticed a part of her beautiful white
mane that was dampened by my tears and the snot that had been running out
of my nose. I wished that I had a box of tissues - and immediately
one appeared.
"Thank you," I said, shaking my head and chuckling at the wonder of
what I was experiencing. I blew my nose and wiped my eyes, and then
I started wiping the residue of my grief off of my unicorns mane.
"You know," I commented as I wiped, "my human reaction is to feel ashamed
for something as disgusting as getting snot on you. But I refuse
to feel shame about it because I know that snot is just another form in
which emotional energy can be released by my body - just as the tears and
the sobs are. So instead of apologizing I will just say thank you
for the emotional support."
"Very good bucko," she telepathed as I continued to wipe her mane.
"There is nothing much healthier for a human than to do some good grief
work. And you know that you can't really do the deep grief work without
a little snot manifesting."
"I Love you so much," I said, leaning forward to kiss her on the nose.
Then I got up and walked to the stream where I knelt down and washed my
face in the cold water.
"And I Love you," she communicated. "Now why don't you continue
with your realizations about memories of the future."
"Okay," I said, "but first there is some more emotional energy that
I need to release."
And with that I stood on the banks of the stream and shouted with Joy.
I started to sing 'Oh what a beautiful morning' and jumped up on a flat
rock to do a little dance.
I was 'transported with Joy', and my 'spirit was soaring', as I danced
on the rock. And in my dancing and singing I Truly understood what
those expressions meant. For in being 'transported' and 'soaring'
I was merely tuning into the vibrational frequency that is Joy and Love
and Truth. I could see clearly now how human beings throughout history
had been trying to tune into Love. The primal urge that has caused
humans to attempt to 'alter their consciousness', through drugs or religion
or food or meditation or whatever, is no more than an attempt to raise
one's vibrational frequency. All any soul in body has ever done is
to try to return home to God - we were just doing it all backwards because
of the reversity of the planets energy field.
I finished my little dance, and standing on my rock with my hands stretched
upwards to the heavens, gave out a combination Tarzan roar and yodel as
an expression of my Joy. Then I climbed down and sat on my rock very
primly.
"Okay, now to get back to the business at hand," I said. That
was when I noticed that the deer, rather than being frightened by my outburst,
had seemingly been drawn closer. For they now stood about thirty
yards upstream watching us intently. I smiled and waved at them,
then as I was sorting through my thoughts so that I could pick up where
I had left off - the two fawns snagged my attention. Again I felt
that feeling of familiarity, that memory tugging at the edge of my consciousness.
"As you have learned, memories return on a 'need to know' basis," telepathed
my Higher Self. "So just go on with your remembering of how memories
of the future are possible and whatever you need to remember will reveal
itself."
"Of course," I replied, as I watched the doe lay down by the stream
after taking a drink. The two fawns soon followed suit as if the
three of them were getting comfortable to listen to me. I gave a
little bow in their direction and started saying the first thing that came
to mind.
"Memories of the future are possible," I heard myself saying, "because
in God there is no time. God exists in the Eternal Now. Linear
time, and the concepts of past and future, are illusions within the Illusion."
"Bingo."
"So that must mean," I continued, "that on some level all of this has
already taken place. Because God exists in the Eternal Now, all of
the billions of years of all of the Creation Dreams must have been manifested
and experienced in the moment that God projected forth the thought form."
I stood and started pacing again as the information kept coming.
"And since there is no change within The Holy Mother Source Energy -
then there never really was a time when God was alone. The moment
of the projection of the dream-movie is the moment that has always been.
I, the Ego-consciousness 'me', am just experiencing that moment as a linear
journey." I stopped abruptly and whirled around towards my unicorn.
The Light of inner understanding was focusing on a facet of Truth that
I had never been able to grasp until that moment. "That's how time
works! Time does not move forward with us just along for the ride.
Consciousness experiences the evolutionary process as linear and that creates
the illusion of time. When we wrote earlier that time only exists
in relationship to the individual Ego - I did not really understand what
that meant. Now I am beginning to see, past and future don't exist
for anything else in the illusion except human Ego-consciousness.
Everything else is just 'being' in the moment - animals, plants, rocks,
this stream - they are just being what they are, they have no consciousness
of time. They are conscious, just as all energy and energy fields
are conscious, but they have no consciousness. They are just perfectly
what they are supposed to be. Only humans have the ability to intellectually
define themselves in relationship to other things - so only humans can
have a conception of time. Our intellectual ability to define reality
as we experience it, is what gives us the perception that time exists."
I started pacing again as I sorted through what I had just said.
I tried to imagine some analogy that would help me to understand better
what was being revealed. As usual my Higher Self provided the clue
that I needed.
"All the worlds a stage, all of the men and women merely players," she
telepathed in a very Shakespearian tone.
"That's it," I replied, understanding immediately what she meant.
"The physical universe is the stage. The Astral plane is the 'back
stage' area, and the Mental plane is like the control booth where the direction
comes from. All of the energy of the whole theater is in motion,
with the atoms and molecules interacting to form the illusions that are
the stage, and the set, and the props - including the physical body vehicles.
But only the motion of the actors can tell the story. It is the actors
playing out their roles that makes the play. It's the actors, the
Ego-consciousness, whose motion creates the appearance of a story unfolding
in a space-time continuum. They enter, play out their roles, and
then exit. Time doesn't exist for the stage, or the props, just for
the actor - the Ego-consciousness."
"And the script is already written," telepathed my Higher Self.
"Memories of the future!"
"Precisely my boy," communicated my unicorn with that silly grin on
her face again. "Of course the next question is who is the audience?
But we'll talk about that later when we visit the Mental plane and learn
more about the Higher Ego. We'll also talk some more about how time
works later. Right now what you need to remember is that analogies,
like parables, like any symbolic description, can only give a certain level
of insight into the Truth. Ultimately the Truth of Reality is beyond
human understanding."
"I'm exhausted," I said, collapsing back down onto the flat fork.
When she mentioned analogies, I started thinking of some that I had used
in the past to try to expand my understanding. Like, life being a
book that is already written even though my reality is what is on page
243 - or whatever. Or, how life is a movie and I am experiencing
one frame as my total reality because I have forgotten how the movie began
and how it will end.
"And the reason that I can have memories of the future," I said, continuing
my thought process aloud, "is because a part of me remembers the script,
a part of me has already seen the film, has already read the book.
And that part of me is my Soul on the Spiritual Plane. So the more
I tune my inner channel into the Truth, the more I can access that 'place
of knowing'. Because you, my Higher Self, are the personification
of my Soul in it's communication with the me who is experiencing the journey.
And the more I align my ego-self, my physical being, with my Spiritual
Self, the more I can remember what I already know."
"Bingo."
"I just realized," I said in a flash of insight, "the reason it feels
so good to me when I am expanding my perspective and seeing the logic of
how everything fits together on a new level - is because my mind is working
as an integrated whole at that point. My right brain intuition, which
is my communication from my Spiritual Self, and my left brain logic, which
is the representative of my ego-self, are working in harmony and balance
at that moment."
"You got it bucko," smiled my unicorn. "And in that integration and
oneness lies the key to unraveling the paradox which is life."
I again became aware that I was very, very tired. My eyelids were
very heavy and wanting very much to close.
"Boy, am I tired," I said, rubbing my eyes. "This revelation stuff
is really exhausting."
"Yes it is," telepathed my Higher Self. "Being conscious in the
moment can be exhausting for a soul in body. There is only so much
feeling, or being conscious, that a physical body can take without needing
the energy recharge that is sleep."
"You'll have to explain to me how that energy recharge business works
sometime," I replied drowsily, as I stretched out on the ground beside
her. "Or rather you'll have to help me remember so that I can explain
it to myself later."
"That's a bingo," smiled my unicorn, as she shifted her position slightly.
"Go ahead and take a nap, and more will be revealed when you wake up.
Why don't you use me like a pillow like you used to do with the unicorns
on Mu."
"Yes, on Mu," I mumbled as I lay my head against her. The vaguest
echo of a memory of unicorns on Mu came to me. Then another memory
of Mu whispered to me. It was a memory of the day that the Earth's
energy field of consciousness was reversed by the invasion of evil.
It was the day that I experienced my soul being ripped in two.
"More grief," I mumbled, so far gone to sleep at this point that I didn't
even feel any fear of revisiting that day.
"Yes, my love," communicated my Higher Self, "in a little while, it
will be necessary for us to deal with the grief of Mu - and also with the
grief of Atlantis."
Her words seemed to come to me from far away, and though my subconscious
mind registered her mention of Atlantis and Mu, my conscious mind had already
drifted into sleep.
It's a good thing too, because if I would have been conscious enough
to realize that the grief I needed to deal with had to do with the lifetimes
she mentioned - I would have been much, much too terrified to sleep.
