We were powerless out of ego-self to do
anything any different than we did it. We are powerless out of ego-self
to heal this disease. Through Spiritual Self, through our Spiritual
Connection, we have access to all the power in the Universe.
We need to have the willingness: willingness to
get to a new level of self-honesty; willingness to start listening to the
Loving inner voice instead of the shaming ones; willingness to face the
terror of healing the emotional wounds.
There is an acronym in Twelve Step Recovery, that like many simple sayings,
it full of Truth. That acronym is HOW. The letters stand
for honesty, openness, and willingness. It is vital to be willing
to start looking at life and self from larger perspectives, willing to take
the action necessary to align with healing. To be open to changing
our attitudes, to feeling our feelings. And it is so vital to start
being willing and open to getting more honest with ourselves.
Codependence is dishonest. It is an emotional defense system adapted
by humans to try to survive the pain of feeling unworthy and unlovable.
From a codependent perspective there are no choices - only two extremes,
black and white. Right or wrong.
Because as small children we did not have any perspective or discernment
(prior to the age of reason, which occurs about 7 as our brains develop)
we were incapable as viewing our parents as anything other than perfect
Higher Powers. Our God and Goddess. Because our Higher Powers
were wounded and did not know how to Love self, we were wounded and got the
message that something must be wrong with us. Toxic Shame.
That shame is toxic and is not ours - it never
was! We did nothing to be ashamed of - we were just little kids.
Just as our parents were little kids when they were wounded and shamed,
and their parents before them, etc., etc. This is shame about being
human that has been passed down from generation to generation.
There is no blame here, there are no bad guys,
only wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds.
Out of our codependent relationship with life, there are only two extremes:
blame them, or blame me. Buy into the belief that they are to blame
for what I am feeling - or I am to blame because I am a shameful unworthy
being. The emotional pain of feeling unlovable to our parents
- which is a reflection of unbearable anguish of feeling separated from
The Source - can feel like a bottomless pit of agonizing suffering.
At the core of our wounding is the unbearable emotional pain resulting from
having internalized the message that God - our Source - does not Love us
because we are personally defective and shameful.
Our addictions, compulsions, and obsessions; our continuing quest
to reach the destination, to find the fix; our inability to be present
in the now through worrying about the future or ruminating about the past;
are all tools that we used to avoid the emotional pain. Our behavior
patterns and dysfunctional relationships (of all kinds, with other people,
with money, with our gender and sexuality) are symptoms. Codependence
is a defense system that was adapted by our damaged egos to try to avoid
falling into the abyss of shame and pain within.
We formed our core relationship with self, other people, and life based
upon this feeling of toxic shame. Like the corruption at the foundation
of Western Civilization, there is corruption in the foundation of our relationship
with self. Reflections.
In order to start changing our ego programming and healing our emotional
wounds, it is necessary to start Loving ourselves. We start Loving
ourselves by opening up to the possibility that maybe we are Lovable.
We start Loving ourselves by using our will power to start changing our
attitudes, beliefs, perspectives, and behaviors - in order to start changing
our relationship with self, with our own emotions.
We are Co-Creators of our human experience, but for most of our lives
we were allied with the disease - lived life out of the fear, lack, scarcity,
separation programming of the damaged ego. We were powerless to change
our ego programming out of the false self, the ego self image, that was
based upon the dishonesty inherent in black and white thinking.
Our paths unfolded perfectly to bring us to a point where some life event,
or series of events, brought us to our knees, caused us to hit an emotional
bottom that made us start being honest enough with ourselves to see that
we needed some help. When we started to seek help, we opened up to
allowing the Universe to start guiding us with carrots instead of using the
stick. We opened up to becoming willing and honest enough to start
learning the lessons we are here to learn instead of being trapped in
repeating our patterns.
Recovery - aligning with Love instead of shame
The tool, the gift, that I discovered when I
was willing to start asking for help was the Twelve Steps. The Twelve
Step Recovery program that was developed by Alcoholics Anonymous is a work
of mystical Spirituality. It is a formula for integrating Spiritual
Truth into day to day human life.
The Twelve Step Recovery process is so successful
because it provides a formula for integrating different levels. It
is by recognizing that we are powerless to control our life experiences
out of ego-self that we can access the power out of True Self, Spiritual
Self. By surrendering the illusion of ego control we can reconnect with
our Higher Selves. Selfishness out of ego-self is destroying the planet.
Selfishness out of Spiritual Self is what will save the planet.
One of those principles - that really scared me
when I first heard I had to develop it - was humility. I equated
humility with humiliation because of my toxic shame.
In Truth, humility really means to see clearly.
To see that as a human being the reality is that I am not perfect.
There are some areas I am strong in - that I have gifts, abilities, talents,
skills - and some that I am weak in. None of us human beings are perfect
in our humanness - we are all perfect in our Spiritual essence.
One person will be talented in one area but weak
in another. Because we got the message in childhood that we were
supposed to be perfect, that it was shameful to be 'wrong' - and we were
taught to look outside and compare ourselves to determine our worth - we
focused on our strengths as proof we were better than others. Which
also meant we needed to deny our weaknesses - or deny that the areas in which
we were weak had any importance. Humility is about owning both our
strengths and our weaknesses - and realizing that all human beings have both
strengths and weaknesses.
Looking outside of ourselves for self-definition
and self-worth means that we have to judge people in order to feel good
about ourselves. There is no other way to do it when you look outside.
We were taught to have ego-strength through judgment
- better than, prettier than, smarter than, richer than, stronger than,
etc., etc.
In a Codependent society everyone has to have someone
to look down on in order to feel positive about him/herself. This is
the root of all bigotry, racism, sexism, and prejudice in the world.
True self-worth does not come from looking down
on anyone or anything. True self-worth comes from awakening to our
connection to everyone and everything.
The Truth is that we are like snowflakes:
Each individual is unique and different and special and we are all made
from the same thing. We are all cut from the same cloth. We are
all part of the Eternal ONENESS that is the Great Spirit.
When we start looking within and celebrating the
Truth of who we Truly are, then we can celebrate our unique differences
instead of judging them out of fear.
When I started to open up to the concept that there
was a Higher Power who Loved me Unconditionally, then I could start getting
past the shame to seeing the gray area. Then I could start to stop
reacting out of the black and white, fear based programming of my damaged
ego.
When I started to be open to seeing myself more
clearly, then I could start to see that I had more in common with other
human beings than I had differences. Then I could start to see that
thinking I was better than someone else because of a gift is false pride.
A gift is just that - a gift. Talent, intelligence, looks - those are
gifts to be cherished and cultivated, not standards for feeling better
than another human being.
Through working the twelve step program, I could
start to understand that every cloud has a silver lining. (I just
flashed on my mother in childhood telling me that every curse is also a blessing
- in regard to my emotional sensitivity I believe. We do hear messages
of Spiritual Truth from early on - it is applying them to our lives that
we need some help figuring out how to do.) A gift also carries obligations
with it. Though feeling pride about a gift was false - what I could
take pride in was the action I took to cultivate that gift.
(Which of course I had not done in some cases because of the black and white
thinking and toxic shame - I was afraid to take a risk because I was sure
I would fail. Another thing to realize I was powerless over and forgive
myself for.)
Through starting to see myself more clearly - by
stopping with the shame of self and judgment of others to protect myself from
that shame - then I could more easily see that we were more alike than different.
Then I could start to be open to believing that maybe I had worth and deserved
Love - and that you did also.
Feeling shameful and reacting to life from fear,
caused me to focus on how I was different (and better, or worse) than you.
The more I could start to see that I am not perfect and that it is OK -
the more I could access the acceptance to allow you to not be perfect.
That helped me to stop taking other peoples behavior
so personally. When I started understanding how I had been reacting
- started seeing myself more clearly and accepting reality, I could also
start seeing that what you were doing was not really about me, it was you
reacting to your wounds.
The more clearly I saw myself within the framework
of a Spiritual recovery process, the easier it became to see that I had
not been seeing myself or you clearly - or life.
Working the steps, applying the principles in
our lives
Twelve step recovery is a blessed gift.
Unfortunately not all twelve step groups are utilizing them to their full
capacity. In Alcoholics Anonymous for instance, there are many people
who are stuck in a black and white perspective that causes them to keep
focusing on the symptom of drinking for many years after they have gotten
sober. Of course, one of the reason they do this is because they
are scared of doing the emotional healing and facing the toxic shame -
so they get stuck in a rigid black and white perspective.
This disease / condition of codependency is so
powerful and insidious because the programming is so ingrained and so much
a part of the human condition. The key to changing the conditions
in the world is honesty and clarity.
The first three steps of the twelve step program
basically involve: Step 1. getting honest enough to recognize that what
we have been doing is not working; Step 2. getting willing to
open up to some help from outside; Step 3. asking for help. The
next step - the 4th - involves taking an honest inventory and starting to
see ourselves with more clarity. When we start getting more honest
with ourselves, the 11th step tells us how to access the power to change our
lives - through prayer and meditation.
In other words, life breaks us down enough to make
us surrender - to make us start the process of stopping our ego programming
from defining our life experience and dictating our relationships.
Then we develop a level of consciousness that allows us to look at the gray
area. We are then able to observe ourselves objectively enough to
see that what we have been doing isn't working for us - and can start to
be open to the possibility that maybe we are not shameful beings, but we
have been living life by some dysfunctional programming. Once we start
detaching from ego-self and developing a higher level of consciousness, we
are directed back inward to seek the Truth. Prayer and meditation not
meaning, necessarily, formal practices but rather developing a conscious
relationship, and ongoing communication, with our Spirit - with our intuitive
guidance.
We start to align our consciousness with Spiritual
Self so that we can use our will power to change the negative programming
and stop the self abusive behaviors that we adapted to protect ourselves.
And as the 10th step dictates we need to keep taking a daily inventory -
we need to be willing to stay open to messages from the Universe so that
we can catch ourselves when we are being dishonest with ourselves.
Honesty with self is absolutely vital to recovery
and healing - to raising our consciousness. As we start to awaken
to Spiritual Truth, we can start to peal away the layers of dishonesty that
we have wrapped ourselves in out of our codependent defense system.
It is very painful to start getting honest with ourselves. We feel
ashamed as we start to see how dishonest we have been.
The Truth shall set you free - but it will
be a very painful process.
It is vital to face the pain of taking inventory
of how we have been dishonest. What makes it possible to start to
see ourselves, and our behavior patterns, more clearly is starting to believe
that maybe we are not shameful. Maybe we do have a disease - a compulsively
reactive condition - that we have been powerless over. Maybe there
is a Loving Higher Power.
By starting to stop the dishonesty of believing
that others are completely to blame, we can also stop empowering the lie
that we are to blame because we are defective. By stopping the blaming,
we can start taking responsibility - owning our side of the street.
A very important part of the process of taking
responsibility is making amends. Cleaning up the wreckage of
our past. Even though we were powerless over our behaviors because
of our ego programming, because of our codependency, we still have to take
responsibility for the behaviors and their consequences.
The purpose of making amends to others is to heal
our Spirit, to clear our conscience, to dump any baggage from the past
that we are still carrying. We do this for ourselves. Often the
other person doesn't even remember an incident that we make amends for.
Sometimes the other person is hateful and bitter still. We can still
make amends for our side of the street, even if they are not owning their
side of the street. We are not making the amends so that we can
all make up and be friends - although that is certainly possible sometimes
- we are making them to free us from the past, we are doing them as a Loving
thing to do for our self. We do not have the power to get others
to do what we want them to - so we need to focus on what we do have the
power to change. We can shine the Light of Love and consciousness
into any dark corners within so that we can stop giving power to the past.
Making amends is about forgiveness. Healing
the wounds from the past is the Loving thing to do for ourselves.
Seeing more clearly so that we can own our responsibility in situations that
we are still carrying resentments about, helps us to let go of those resentments.
Carrying a resentment doesn't hurt the person we are resentful of - it hurts
us.
I have found that the reason I had resentments
that I couldn't let go of, was because I hadn't forgiven myself.
I was holding onto feelings of self righteous indignation about how I was
victimized, because I couldn't face the shame of admitting that I set
myself up in some way. By trusting that person, or letting them
into my life, or whatever.
Making amends for the ways in which our behavior
has hurt others is part of the process of healing self. And making
amends is much more than saying "I'm sorry." Making amends is about
changing the dysfunctional behavior patterns. Making amends is about
doing what it takes to stop empowering the dysfunctional attitudes and black
and white thinking so that we can change the behaviors. It is about
becoming willing to face the terror of healing our emotional wounds, so
that we can stop reacting and hurting other people and our self with our
behavior.
The steps help us to move into a growth paradigm
- a relationship with life that helps us see problems as opportunities
for growth instead of punishment. Applying the twelve step principles
in our life helps us stop taking other people's behavior so personally
- and learn to protect ourselves from their behavior if necessary.
As we forgive ourselves for our past behaviors, and learn to see life and
self with more clarity and more Love - we see others with more clarity and
more Love.
By taking power away from the polarized thinking
and the emotional wounds from the past we can stop being our own worst
enemy.
Because of our broken hearts, our emotional wounds,
and our scrambled minds, our subconscious programming, what the disease
of Codependence causes us to do is abandon ourselves. It causes the
abandonment of self, the abandonment of our own inner child - and that inner
child is the gateway to our channel to the Higher Self.
The one who betrayed us and abandoned and abused
us the most was ourselves. That is how the emotional defense system
that is Codependence works.
The battle cry of Codependence is "I'll show you
- I'll get me."
We need to learn to see the gray area. It is never just black and
white, right and wrong. There are always multiple levels involved in
this experience of being human. It is vital to stop empowering black
and white thinking.
There is a simple prayer that sums up this process. It is a formula
for learning how to live life in a healthy way. It, like the Twelve
Step Recovery process and the US Constitution, is a Divinely inspired work
of Mystical Truth. It is called the Serenity Prayer.
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
(The Serenity Prayer is generally
thought to have been written by Reinhold Niebuhr)
God / Goddess / Great Spirit, please help me to
access:
the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change (life, other people),
The courage and willingness to change the things
I can (me, my own attitudes and behaviors),
And the wisdom and clarity to know the difference.
