Codependence / Codependency = A Spiritual dis-ease - an index of web pages

"Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self!  With our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. With our own gender and sexuality. With being human."

"Where the Codependence movement has evolved to now, what you'll find the leading figures talking about in their latest books, is cultural Codependence.

The next step which I am proposing in the evolution of the term is to the level of Codependence of civilization.  Codependence as the human condition!

The Codependence Recovery movement is not a fad!  It is not a band-aid.  It is not a quick fix.  It is not "pop" psychology!

Codependence deals with the core issues of the human dilemma.

Codependence has grown out of the cause from which all symptoms arise.  That cause is Spiritual dis-ease - not being at ease, at one with Spiritual Self.   Not being able to be in balance, in harmony with the universe.  All other diseases - physical, emotional, mental - spring out of, are caused by, Spiritual dis-ease. . . . . . . The condition of Codependence - which, as I said could more accurately be described as outer or external dependence - is the human condition as we have inherited it!"

(Quotations in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney)

"Traditionally in this society women were taught to be codependent on - that is take their self-definition and self-worth from - their relationships with men, while men have been taught to be codependent on their success/career/work."

"The point that I am making is that our understanding of Codependence has evolved to realizing that this is not just about some dysfunctional families, our very role models, our prototypes, are dysfunctional. Our traditional cultural concepts of what a man is, of what a woman is, are twisted, distorted, almost comically bloated stereotypes of what masculine and feminine really are."

Welcome to a page of Joy2MeU The Web Site of Spiritual Teacher, codependence counselor, grief therapist, author, Robert Burney and Joy to You & Me Enterprises. Go to Home Page    Site index page Robert is the author of the Joyously inspirational book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls For ordering info click here

Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self!    With our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. With our own gender and sexuality. With being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally, we have dysfunctional relationships externally. We were raised in a shame-based, emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile environments by parents who were wounded in their childhoods by patriarchal, shame-based civilization.  We formed our core relationship with self in early childhood - and built our relationship with self, life, and other humans based on that foundation.  Programmed to feel shame about being imperfect humans, and trained to be emotionally dishonest, we were set up to live life reacting to the emotional trauma and dysfunctional intellectual programming of childhood.  Because we feel shame about being human, we have a relationship with life that does not work to bring us Joy or inner peace. We do not have the power to change others - we do have the power to change our relationship with self by healing our codependency / wounded souls.  We can access the capacity to accept, embrace, forgive, have compassion for, and set boundaries with, all parts of self.  Learning to Love our self will allow us to gain the capacity to Love others in a healthy way.  Changing our relationship with life can transform life into an exciting adventure."   ~   Robert Burney "This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships - of relationships that do not work to meet our needs.  That does not mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even human relationships in general.  The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life - with being human.  It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings." "Codependence is an emotional and behavioral defense system which was adopted by our egos in order to meet our need to survive as a child. Because we had no tools for reprogramming our egos and healing our emotional wounds (culturally approved grieving, training and initiation rites, healthy role models, etc.), the effect is that as an adult we keep reacting to the programming of our childhood and do not get our needs met - our emotional, mental, Spiritual, or physical needs. Codependence allows us to survive physically but causes us to feel empty and dead inside. Codependence is a defense system that causes us to wound ourselves." "Traditionally in this society women were taught to be codependent on - that is take their self-definition and self-worth from - their relationships with men, while men have been taught to be codependent on their success/career/work.  That has changed somewhat in the past twenty or thirty years - but is still part of the reason that women have more of a tendency to sell their souls for relationships than men do.  Codependence is all about giving outside or external influences power over our self-esteem.  Everything outside of our 'self' - rather that is people, places and things or our own external appearance - has to do with ego-strength not self-worth.  We all have equal Divine worth because we are transcendent Spiritual beings who are part of the ONENESS that is the Great Spirit/God-Force - not because of anything outside of us." - Relationships and Valentine's Day "Codependence and interdependence are two very different dynamics. Codependence is about giving away power over our self-esteem. . . . . .Interdependence is about making allies, forming partnerships.  It is about forming connections with other beings. . . . . . . The way to healthy interdependence is to be able to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics and most of all ourselves clearly.  If we are not working on healing our childhood wounds and changing our childhood programming then we cannot begin to see ourselves clearly let alone anything else in life. " - Codependence vs Interdependence "The word changed and evolved further after the start of the modern Codependence movement in Arizona in the mid-eighties. Co-Dependents Anonymous had its first meeting in October of 1986, and books on Codependence as a disease in and of itself started appearing at about the same time. These Codependence books were the next generation evolved from the books on the Adult Child Syndrome of the early eighties." Announcing:  Joy to You & Me Enterprises is offering a series of Intensive Training Days with Spiritual Teacher, inner child healing pioneer Robert Burney.  Learn his innovative Spiritual Integration Formula for Inner Healing.  For the locations and dates of upcoming appearances go to Day of Intensive Training.

The Condition of Codependency - an article originally published on Suite101 as part of inner child healing series - moved to Joy2MeU.com in February 2004.  "So often when I am working with someone, helping them to understand their codependency, they will say, "Why didn't I learn this sooner.  I feel so stupid that I have have wasted so many years in denial about how much my childhood experiences were running my life."  What I need to remind them of, is that the information we have now wasn't available when they were growing up."

What is codependency / codependence ?  -  Codependency / codependence described from five different perspectives in a short article by Robert. "The condition of codependence is about giving power over our self esteem to outside sources / agencies or external manifestations.  We were taught to look outside of our selves to people, places, and things - to money, property and prestige, to determine if we have worth."

Codependence - Defined  -  Codependence = a dysfunctional relationship with self and giving external sources power over self worth.  Includes quotes from the book and articles. "Codependence is a primary, progressive, chronic, fatal, and treatable disease which is caused by being raised in an emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile environment. The primary environment is the family system which is part of the larger emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional society which is part of a civilization that is based on false beliefs about the nature and purpose of being human."

The evolution of the term "Codependence"  -  The term Codependence has evolved from co-alcoholic to describing the human condition.  A long excerpt from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls. "In other words, it was recognized that the Codependent was not sick because of the Alcoholic but rather was attracted to the Alcoholic because of his/her disease, because of her/his early childhood experience."

Codependence vs Interdependence  -  A column about the difference between dysfunctional codependent relationships and healthy interdependent relationships.  "The disease of Codependence causes us to keep repeating patterns that are familiar. So we pick untrustworthy people to trust, undependable people to depend on, unavailable people to love."

Codependence as Delayed Stress Syndrome  -  Codependence  / codependency is a very powerful and vicious form of Delayed Stress Syndrome - excerpt from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls. "We were forced to grow up denying the reality of what was happening in our homes. We were forced to deny our feelings about what we were experiencing and seeing and sensing. We were forced to deny our selves."

The codependent three step - A Dance of Shame, Suffering, & Self-Abuse  -  An article about how the disease of codependency involves vicious self-perpetuating cycles of shame, suffering, and self-abuse.  "Codependence is an incredibly powerful, insidious, and vicious disease. It is so powerful because it is ingrained in our core relationship with ourselves."

The Codependency Recovery Process  -  Insights to healing codependence/codependency - excerpts from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls about the recovery process.  "On an emotional level the dance of Recovery is owning and honoring the emotional wounds so that we can release the grief energy - the pain, rage, terror, and shame that is driving us.  That shame is toxic and is not ours - it never was! We did nothing to be ashamed of we were just little kids. Just as our parents were little kids when they were wounded and shamed, and their parents before them, etc., etc. This is shame about being human that has been passed down from generation to generation."

Emotional abuse is Heart and Soul Mutilation  -  A page focused on the devastating and crippling effects of emotional abuse.  "Emotional abuse is a devastating, debilitating heart and soul mutilation. The deepest lasting wound with any abuse is the emotional wound."

Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 1  -  First article in a series that grew out of the emotional abuse article.  "I have often told clients that going from feeling suicidal to feeling homicidal is a step of progress.  It is a stage of the recovery process that we will move into - and then at some later point will move beyond."

Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 2  -  Second article in emotional honesty series.  "If life is a dance, then our emotions provide the music.  Dancing in the dark according to rules that are dysfunctional is not much fun."

Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 3  -  Third article in series focusing on the basics of Setting Personal Boundaries. "Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation . . .  The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is:  when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 4  -  Fourth article in series focused on on some advanced recovery perspectives and discernment in relationship to emotional honesty and responsibility.  "We need to learn to be emotionally honest so that we can take responsibility for our feelings - not so that we can inflict them on others."

Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 5  -  Fifth article in series and second one focused on on some advanced recovery perspectives and discernment in relationship to emotional honesty and responsibility. "When I catch myself worrying then I know that I am not being emotionally honest with myself.  Worry is a symptom that tells me I am avoiding some feelings."

(The pages above are linked together so that you may go from one to the next in the order listed - as are the ones below.)

In October 2004 I am reorganized my site index page slightly to separate the online book below from the pages above, to reflect that the following online book is an advanced look at the phenomena of Codependency.  It is titled Book 2 because Book 1 is the process level / How To book Empowerment, Freedom, and Inner Peace through Inner Child Healing (aka A Formula for Spiritual Integration and Emotional Balance)

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Author's Foreword - Explains changing the title of this work and the context in which Robert is viewing it now.  "It (this work) has since grown into an in depth look at the phenomena of codependency on multiple levels - which in my opinion, is really much larger and more important than just a response to the silly article by Dr. Harley."

The codependency movement is NOT ruining marriages! - An online book being published in response to an internet article by a raving codependent marriage counselor. ". . . that is how codependency has manifested in dysfunctional civilization - men were taught that their worth comes from being human doings, not human beings. . . . . A man can be a lousy father and husband - can be a really unpleasant and nasty human being - and still be considered successful and worthy of admiration in our dysfunctional society."

The codependency movement is NOT ruining marriages! Part 2 Love & Romance, Marriage and Divorce -  Dysfunctional cultural concepts of romance, love, and marriage set us up to feel like failures. "It is people like Dr. Harley who trumpet the sanctity of "traditional family values" - the sanctity of the institution of marriage.  The traditional context for family values and marriage in this society is patriarchal supremacy."

As of September 2005 the last 13 chapters of this online book are only completely available in a subscription area of Joy2MeU.com called Dancing in Light.

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 3 Emotional Honesty -  Focused on emotional honesty.  Our role models for how a man and a women relate to their emotions were emotionally crippled and thus we learned to be dishonest emotionally. "I realized that any time I was worrying about "what if," or fantasizing about "if only," or obsessing about a woman or the outcome of a situation, it was sign that I was being dishonest with myself emotionally."

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 4 false self image -  The false self image that codependents put so much energy into projecting is actually more true than false - but we can't see it because of denial and emotionally dishonesty.  "In other words, I saw myself as, and talked the talk of, a sensitive caring male but when anyone got too close emotionally my behavior was that of a macho clown."

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 5 Codependency = conditioned reactive programming -  Includes a discussion of "Pavlov's Dog" and the behavior modification that causes codependency, as well as the importance of human consciousness and how vital it is to awaken to the power of ego programming.  "A dog who was abused as a puppy can unlearn their conditioned reflexes by spending enough time in a safe and loving environment.  Although a safe and loving environment can be very valuable to a human being who is healing from their childhood wounding - the emotional trauma they experienced because of behavior modification experiences in early childhood - love from external sources is not enough to heal a person's relationship with self."

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 6 ego strength and self worth - Self worth and ego strength are two different phenomena in Robert's definition.  This chapter includes a discussion of Consciousness of Self and of the vital Spiritual Principle of humility.  "Humility means to stop judging and shaming ourselves for being imperfect humans.  Humility means to own the inherent dignity and worth we have because we are children of God / extensions of the Goddess.  Humility means being open to being teachable, being willing to surrender any ego definitions or dysfunctional beliefs that are blocking us from being able to open up to the possibility that we are Lovable and worthy."

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 7 Multiple levels of selfishness - Discusses multiple levels of selfishness and the importance of accepting the base human levels of selfishness instead of denying them.  "Being honest with our self about selfishness out of damaged ego self - owning it, learning to accept it without shame and judgment - is what allows us to start taking power away from it.   Denying that we have base ego centered motives is part of the dishonesty of codependency - is a reaction to toxic shame about being human."

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 8 Codependents as Emotional Vampires - Focuses on codependents as emotional vampires - and specifically upon how some codependents are set up to be sacrificial lambs in relationship with their parents.  "I say overt because all codependents are emotional vampires to one degree or another because of our emotional wounds - our emotional anorexia.  And we are set up to be emotional vampires as long as we are looking outside of ourselves for self definition and self worth.

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 9  Codependency = Emotional Anorexia -  Codependency recovery involves separating self worth from emotional relationship to external sources, and seeing self emotionally separate from other people. "Growing up in dysfunctional, codependent cultures programmed us to compare ourselves to others.  As long as we are looking outside for self definition and self worth we are condemned to do it in comparison. . . . . As long as we are looking outside to define ourselves and determine our worth we are set up to be emotional vampires - which sets us up to be emotional anorexics."

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 10 Normal Families are Dysfunctional - Robert shares his view that normal families, and the concept of nuclear family, are Dysfunctional in codependent society.  "The American Dream, a nuclear family living in isolation in the suburbs - with the father gone most of the day - is a dysfunctional ideal in my belief.  Our normal societal model for what constitutes an ideal family is dysfunctional in its impact on the emotional, mental, and spiritual health of children raised in those families."

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 11 Codependent Counselors / Therapists / Healers who are not in active recovery from their childhood issues - who are not doing the grief work and changing the subconscious programming caused by traditional "normal" dysfunctional cultural beliefs - are set up to be abusive to their clients.  "Any counselor / therapist / spiritual teacher / healer who has not done the inner child healing and codependency recovery work both emotionally and intellectually, is going to be limited in their ability to help other people."

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 12 Codependency in New Age Movement Discusses how codependency can cause New Age teachers and healers to be shaming and abusive.  "New Age and alternative healers, Spiritual Teachers, self help gurus, etc., who have not done their emotional healing and enlarged their subconscious intellectual paradigm enough to consciously stop empowering polarity and shame emotionally as well as intellectually, are set up to be trapped in their codependency just as traditional mental health practitioners are limited by the emotionally dishonest beliefs of dysfunctional civilization."

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 13 Changing the Music: Love instead of fear and shame Focuses how vital it is to stop empowering black and white thinking if one wishes to align with Love.  "We need to change the music we are dancing to - and in order to do that we need to change the subconscious intellectual paradigm that is dictating our emotional reactions.  And we cannot do that without doing the deep emotional healing."

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 14 A Spiritual Manifesto Discusses the importance of finding a Spiritual purpose and meaning for life and includes Robert's opinion that it is possible to separate the metaphysical power in the symbolism, and message of Love, taught by Jesus Christ from the angry, judgmental god of the Old Testament.  "In my personal recovery, I found that I needed a Spiritual container large enough to allow for the possibility that I was not a defective, shameful being."

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: Chapter 15 Masculine and Feminine Looks at different levels of masculine and feminine energy, and the masculine feminine imbalance that has had had such an impact upon human evolution on this planet.  "What we are striving for in recovery is balance and harmony in our relationship with the masculine and feminine energies within us - to reflect the perfect balance and harmony of the Masculine and Feminine Principles."

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