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The Web Site of Spiritual Teacher, codependence
counselor, grief therapist, author, Robert Burney and
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Robert is the author of the Joyously inspirational
The Dance of Wounded Souls
The Heart Break of
Romantic Relationship - part 3
We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships in
the same way that we are set up to fail in life - by being taught false beliefs
about who we are and why we are here in human body, false beliefs about the
meaning and purpose of this dance of life.
As was stated on the first page:
"The issue of how we are set up to fail to get our
needs met in Romantic Relationships is so complex - multi-leveled, multi-faceted,
and multi-dimensional - that instead of writing an individual, fully contained
article here I am going to make this Web Page a collage of different facets
of this issue - individual vignettes with quotes from my books and articles.
I am going to use some quotes from my Question and Answer pages also - the
Q & A # at the end of the quote will be a link to the applicable page
- any articles or columns cited will also be linked."
This page includes quotes from Codepenence: The Dance of Wounded Souls, quotes from
other articles, columns, and web pages written
by Robert Burney, and a quote from The Dance of the
Wounded Souls Trilogy. The internal links within this article
open in a separate browser window.
Facet # 5 Sexuality
This is an excerpt from my page entitled: About Jesus & Mary Magdalene - Jesus, sexuality, &
the bible. This was written in response to an e-mail that challenged
the statement that I made in my column Christ Conciousness
that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were mates. I include part of that page
here because it deals with sexuality and the shame around sexuality that is
part of Western Civilization. This shame - and the gross imbalance in
regard to sexuality that was caused by the "flesh is weak and sinful" beliefs
promulgated by corrupt and hypocritical church leaders - has had a profoundly
adverse effect upon Romantic Relationships in Western culture.
You wrote (the person who sent the
e-mail): "Would you be kind enough to reply where in
the Bible talks about Jesus having humanly desire with Mary Magdalene or even
displayed any indecency?"
That your response to my saying "Jesus also
had sensual and sexual desires and a mate and lover in Mary Magdalene." -
is to equate this to indecency brings up feelings of sadness for me.
That one of God's greatest gifts to us - the ability to Touch with Love
- has been twisted in our culture into something shameful and indecent is
one of the great tragedies of the human condition - in my view.
Here is a quote from my book about my beliefs:
"The gift of touch is an incredibly
wonderful gift. One of the reasons we are here is to touch each other
physically as well as Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Touch
is not bad or shameful. Our creator did not give us sensual and sexual
sensations that feel so wonderful just to set us up to fail some perverted,
sadistic life test. Any concept of god that includes the belief that the flesh
and the Spirit cannot be integrated, that we will be punished for honoring
our powerful human desires and needs, is - in my belief a sadly twisted,
distorted, and false concept that is reversed to the Truth of a Loving God-Force.
We need to strive for balance and integration
in our relationships. We need to touch in healthy, appropriate, emotionally
honest ways - so that we can honor our human bodies and the gift that is
Making Love is a celebration and a way of
honoring the Masculine and Feminine Energy of the Universe (and the masculine
and feminine energy within no matter what genders are involved), a way of
honoring its perfect interaction and harmony. It is a blessed way of
honoring the Creative Source.
One of the most blessed and beautiful gifts
of being in body is the ability to feel on a sensual level. Because
we have been doing human backwards, we have been deprived of the pleasure
of enjoying our bodies in a guilt-free, shame-free, manner. By striving
for integration and balance we can start to enjoy our human experience
on a sensual level as well as on the emotional, mental, and Spiritual levels."
All quotes in this color are from
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
So, I do not believe that the idea
of Jesus having the desires of a human male is indecent. Of course,
the desires of human males have been raging out of balance and with no Spiritual
foundation or emotional honesty for most of the history of this planet.
Here is a quote from my column "Mothers Day"
"Women have been raped, not
just physically by men, but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually by
the belief systems of "civilization" (both Western and Eastern) since the
dawn of recorded history.
Those belief systems were the effect of
planetary conditions which caused the Spiritual beings in human body to have
a perspective of life, and therefore a relationship with life, that was polarized
and reversed. This reversed, black and white, perspective of life
caused humans to develop beliefs about the nature and purpose of life that
were irrational, insane, and just plain stupid.
As just one small but significant example
of this stupid, insane belief system, and the effect it had on determining
the course of human development including the scapegoating of women, consider
the myth of Adam and Eve. 'Poor' Adam, who was just being a man (that
is, he just wants to get in Eve's pants) does what Eve wants him to and
eats the apple. So Eve gets the blame for Adam not having boundaries.
Now is that stupid or what? And you wondered where Codependence started.
The stupid, insane perspectives that form
the foundation of civilized society on this planet dictated the course of
human evolution and caused the human condition as we have inherited it.
The human condition was not caused by men, it was caused by planetary conditions!
(If you want to know more about those planetary conditions you’ll have to
read my book.) Men have been wounded by those planetary conditions
just as much as women (albeit in quite different ways.)"
Men are supposed to have a strong
sexual drive and be strongly attracted to women's bodies - it is part of the
genetic programming to insure the survival of the species. It is the
nature of the male animal of the human species to want to copulate with the
female - that does not mean that I am in any way condoning the gross imbalance
and Spiritual vacuum that has been manifested in human civilization around
Part of the reason that there has been such
an abusive and patriarchal structure to civilized society is because men have
been baffled, confused, and scared of women since the dawn of recorded history.
Women have the power to conceive life. There is no greater or more
important power in the human species. A woman's ability to conceive
and bring forth life gives women an opportunity and capacity to experience
Love in a way no man ever can. Men have been jealous and terrified
of the power of that Love - and of the power of their own desire to unite
with and experience that Love - and reacted to their fear by attempting to
subjugate, dominate, and diminish the inherent power of women.
Everything on the physical plane is a reflection
of other levels. Ultimately, the emotional power behind the strong
sexual and sensual desires of human beings really has little to do with the
actual physical act of sex - the True compulsion to unite is about our wounded
souls, about our endless, aching need to go home to the God/Goddess Energy.
We want to reunite in ONENESS - in LOVE - because that is our True home.
Now, to come down from a metaphysical level
to an individual personal level.
The abuse of my sexuality by the shaming
religion I grew up in was compounded and magnified by the shame and fear of
sexuality I saw in my role models and in society. I grew up in a society
that reacted to a fundamental underlying belief that "the flesh is weak"
and was incompatible with "decency" - at the same time it bowed to the power
of the human sex drive by flaunting sex everywhere. In advertising,
in fashion, in the media, books and music, etc. Talk about confusing
In addition to the shame about sexuality
- I had shame about being a man because of my fathers role modeling of what
a man was, and societal and historical role modeling of how dreadfully "man"kind
had abused women, children, and men, the weak and poor, anyone who was different,
the planet, etc., throughout civilized history.
I spent years in recovery working on healing
my relationship with my feminine energy and my inner children before it ever
occurred to me that I needed to heal my masculine. So now I have spent
years also working on healing my masculine. Part of that healing has
been about accepting my sexuality and the "male animal" in me. We need
to embrace all of the parts of ourselves in order to become whole.
It is only by owning and accepting our "dark"
sides that we can start to have a balanced relationship with ourselves.
Just as I have to accept that I have a "King Baby" (who wants immediate
gratification now) or a "romantic child" (who believes in fairy tales) or
a fierce warrior (who wants to vaporize stupid drivers) inside of me so that
I can own them and set boundaries for them - I have to accept that there
is a "male animal" in me who does want to copulate with most every attractive
woman I see. By owning that part of me I can set a boundary for it
so that I am not reacting in a way that causes me to be a victim of myself
or to victimize someone else.
It is not shameful to be human. It
is not shameful to have a sex drive. It is not shameful to have emotional
needs. Human beings need to be touched. Way too many of us are
starving for touch and affection - and we have acted out sexually in dysfunctional
ways to try to get those needs met which often causes us to be bitter and
resentful (at the bottom of any resentment is the need to forgive ourselves.)
In our codependent extremes we swing between picking the wrong people and
isolating ourselves. We believe - because of our experience in reacting
out of our disease - that the only choices are between an unhealthy relationship
and being alone. It is tragic and sad.
It is tragic and sad that we live in a society
where it is so hard for people to connect in a healthy way. It tragic
and sad that we live in a society where so many people are touch deprived.
But it is not shameful. We are human. We are wounded. We are
products of the cultural environments we were raised in. We need to
take the shame out of our relationship with our selves, and all the parts
of our self, so that we can be healing our wounds enough to be able to make
responsible choices. (re - sponse - able, as in ability to respond instead
of just react our of old tapes and old wounds.)"
About Jesus & Mary Magdalene
-Jesus, sexuality, & the bible
So males of the species are genetically programmed
to go around wanting to couple indiscriminately with females of the species
- while females of the species are genetically programmed to want to bond
to one man to produce children and then to protect and provide for her and
Genetic programming that is thousands of
years out of date and unnecessary. We are set up by outmoded genetic
programming - on top of the cultural dysfunctional programming.
In regard to the inner child healing this
male animal usually shows up in a horny teenager - who is aided and abetted
in being willing to do anything to get laid by affection and touch starved
younger ages, and the romantic - which in emotionally stunted men often
takes on a romantic vision of self that has nothing to do with a connection
with the Princess. In other words, he wants to see himself as this
macho woman killer to fulfill his romantic fantasy of himself but it really
doesn't have to do with a human emotional connection or intimacy - because
he is incapable of it.
In women this genetic set up can result in
a woman keeping a man around for the illusion of having a male protector and
supporter. I have worked with many women who not only didn't need to
be protected and supported by a man, but they in fact were providing the bulk
of the support for the man. In the inner work the "maiden within"
- who is very romantic and believes in fairy tales - is the part of themselves
that women can set a boundary with so that they do not unconsciously buy
into the set up of the genetic programming.
Facet # 6 - Metaphysical
"From my earliest memories in this
lifetime I had experienced her occasional presence in my dreams. I have
never been able to retain a clear visual image of her upon awakening, but
the echo of the memory of how it felt to be with her has been with me always.
I very rarely brought it to conscious awareness, or spent time thinking about
her, but the sensation of her haunted me. I would catch myself looking
for her as I walked down a street or shopped in a store - anywhere and everywhere.
The looking was seldom a conscious process - it was almost as if some part
of my deepest being was always watching, always waiting.
When I began my recovery process, my healing,
it had been necessary for me to become conscious of the dysfunctional attitudes
I had learned about relationships in childhood. That was when I became
aware that on some levels my 'looking for her' was about the 'princess and
frog' syndrome. That is, the false belief that I needed a princess
to love me before I could be whole. It was society's reversed perspective
on life that had led me to believe that someone outside of myself was necessary
to full-fill me. That attitude is dysfunctional because it is a set-up.
As long as I was giving other people the power to make me whole, I was doomed
to be a victim.
Once I started to erase the 'old tapes' about
needing some 'her' to make me okay, I started to awaken to the Truth that
Spiritually I am a prince. I started to realize that only through healing
my wounded soul could I become conscious of my wholeness. When I committed
myself to Spiritual purpose and growth, and let go of the false belief that
I needed some one else to 'fix' me, then I realized that only in health and
wholeness could I Truly give myself in a relationship. Only by learning
to access Love for myself could I share that Love with another person.
It was after I accepted that I was the only
person who could 'fix' me, that I became aware of a deeper level from which
the 'looking for her' impulse originated. I started to understand how
humans have attempted to apply Spiritual Truths to physical existence, and
how confused we had become because of this reversed thinking. That was
when I realized that, although the levels of thinking that I had to find 'her'
to be whole were dysfunctional, there was a deeper level where the impulse
came out of Truth. That Truth was that my soul was looking for it's
other half. The polarization of the lower mind, and subsequent reversal
of the Earths energy field of consciousness, had caused my twin soul and
I to be torn apart sixty-six thousand years ago. I came to realize
that an important part of the evolutionary process was the awakening of my
soul to wholeness so that my twin soul and I could be reunited. And
that our reunion was not necessary for becoming whole - but rather that becoming
conscious of wholeness, of Oneness within, was necessary for that reunion
to take place."
The Dance of the Wounded Souls Trilogy Book
1 - "In the beginning . . . "
Everything is cause and effect. Everything comes from somewhere.
The dysfunctional, codependent, twisted, distorted perspective of Romantic
Relationships ultimately goes back to a longing for our twin soul.
We all have a twin soul. We each also have several soul mates.
It is not bad or wrong to long for them. It is dysfunctional for us to expect
them to show up in this lifetime - and if they do show up to expect that that
means everything will go smoothly. We have a lot of Karma to settle
- there is work to do to make any Romantic Relationship work for us.
Facet # 7 - Reasons to take the Risk
Yes it is very, very sad that it is so hard to connect with
another person in a love relationship. And one of the difficult things
about it is that the only way to really learn how to do a relationship is
in one. We can have all the wonderful knowledge, counseling/therapy,
healing work, etc. but until we really try it out in a relationship we don't
get in touch with the gut level wounds/buttons that are so painful.
It takes a lot of courage to take the risk of embarking on a relationship
- to say nothing of the time and energy it takes to get started getting
to know someone. Probably the hardest and most important part
is being able to communicate. There are so many blocks to communication
such as 1. words having different meanings, 2. certain words being emotional
triggers - to say nothing of gestures, tone of voice, body language, etc.,
3. hearing things through our emotional filter instead of hearing what the
person is actually saying, 4. all of the people involved (both peoples parents
- alive or dead - every other person they have ever been in relationship
with, fantasy mates, etc.) and others.
Some of the things that I keep telling others (because I teach
best what I need most to learn) is that:
1. We need to know and tell ourselves that it is
truly better to love and lose than never love at all.
2. That there are no mistakes only lessons.
3. That everything is unfolding perfectly and there
is a Loving Higher Power who is guiding the process.
4. That the right people come into my life at the
right time (this does not necessarily mean a wonderful relationship - sometimes
it means the right person to teach us how to set boundaries or defend ourselves
or know when to walk away.)
5. That it is important to change our definition
of a successful relationship - a successful relationship is not necessarily
one that lasts for the rest of our lives, it is one that we learn and grow
It is a great risk to open up to and care about another person
- and we will feel hurt at times because hurt is part of life - but it is
a risk that is worth taking because if we never take the risk we can never
be Truly alive.
"The Abundance of Love and Joy that
you can help each other to feel by coming together - are vibrational levels
that you then each will be able to access within yourself. You are
helping each other to remember how to access that Love - helping each other
to remember what it feels like and that Yes you do deserve it.
on Romantic Commitment
It is very important to remember that so
that you can Let Go. Let Go of believing that the other person has to
be in your life . . . ."
"The more you do your healing and follow your Spiritual
path the more moments of each day you will have the choice to Truly be present
in the moment.
And in the moment you can make a choice to
embrace and feel the Joy fully and completely and with Gusto.
In any specific moment you will have the
power to make a choice to feel the Love in that moment as if you have never
been hurt and as if the Love will never go away.
Completely absolutely unconditionally with
fearless abandon you can embrace the Love and Joy in the moment.
Glory in it!"
Codependence Recovery is not self-help. We are being
guided. The Force is with us! The Spirit is guiding us down
our path. Romantic Relationships are one of the most important arenas of
Spiritual growth available to us - it is important to our souls to be willing
to take the risk of Loving and losing. It is also important to our
hearts to take the healthiest risks possible. If we are not doing our
healing, we are doing ourselves the ultimate disservice - we are abandoning
and abusing our self.