This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships - of relationships that do not work to meet our needs. That does not mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even human relationships in general.This index page lists, describes, and give quotes from the Joy2MeU pages which are focused directly on romantic relationships.
The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life - with being human. It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings.
And the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with ourselves is a symptom of Spiritual dis-ease, of not being in balance and harmony with the universe, of feeling disconnected from our Spiritual source.
That is why it is so important to enlarge our perspective. To look beyond the romantic relationship in which we are having problems. To look beyond the dysfunction that exists in our relationships with other people.
The more we enlarge our perspective, the closer we get to the cause instead of just dealing with the symptoms. For example, the more we look at the dysfunction in our relationship with ourselves as human beings the more we can understand the dysfunction in our romantic relationships.
(Text in this color is used for quotes from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney)
"As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving."
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The Web Site of Spiritual Teacher, codependence counselor, grief therapist, author, Robert Burney and Joy to You & Me Enterprises
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Robert is the author of the Joyously inspirational book
The Dance of Wounded Souls
The Heartbreak of Romantic Relationships
"In the past 3 or 4 months the Universe has led me to focus more and more of my attention on the area of Romantic Relationships. This led to me scheduling a workshop and announcing on my web site that I would have some new articles ready by Valentines Day 1999. I have had a great deal of trouble in writing those articles. I have been talking about the issues and aspects of relationship dysfunction for many years but have not written very much about it (perhaps because until recently I hadn't been able to get past my own terror of intimacy.) So I have an overabundance of things to say on the subject. The problem has been trying to decide how many articles I was writing, what the focus of each was going to be, and how to communicate as clearly as possible about this issue. It turns out that there is so much material that I may just be writing a book here.
Romantic Relationships may be the most powerful, meaningful, traumatic, painful, explosive, heart wrenching single topic for most people. As I say on my flyer for my new workshop "Our hearts have been broken because we were taught to do the Dance of Love in a dysfunctional way/to the wrong music."
Our hearts have been broken! And then they were broken again.If you can Truly own the pain in that statement - take some deep breaths, visualize breathing White Light into your heart chakra (which will break up and release some of the trapped grief energy) and say out loud, "My heart has been broken." - you will probably not only produce some tears but some sobs of emotional energy being released. If you cannot own, feel, and release some emotional pain energy in relating to the Truth of that statement, it could mean that you don't feel safe to be emotionally honest in this moment, or that you don't feel safe to be emotionally honest with yourself in regard to this topic. It could be a sad commentary on how much you have had to shut down your heart, how closed off you have had to become to the emotional Truth of how painful being human in a dysfunctional, emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile, Love retarded cultural environment has been.
It is not your fault. It is not your fault! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!It is a set up. We were set up."
In the year since that time I have done a lot more writing on the subject - and in fact am getting ready to teach a college course on Dysfunctional Relationship Dynamics and Healthy Relationship Behavior. So, perhaps there is a book here - although I am already working on finishing two other books, so this one is not in the picture in the immediate future.
The thing that is so important about the issue of Romantic Relationships is to realize how we were set up to "fail" in romance - to really get it on a gut level, so that we can forgive ourselves. Once we start letting go of feeling responsible for something we were powerless over, letting go of the false guilt and toxic shame about our "mistakes" and "failures" in romance - then we can start to learn how to take healthy risks. Loving and losing is much better than never loving at all.
As I say in my latest article on the subject:
"The more we heal our childhood emotional wounds and change the dysfunctional intellectual programming the clearer we can see reality. The more we learn to have boundaries, to ask for what we need, to be direct and honest in our communication, the healthier we become in our relationships. Healthy enough to get out of them quickly if we see too many warning signs.Hopefully, the pages in this index will help you to heal some of your wounds and forgive yourself enough to start owning up to the Truth that you do deserve to have a Loving relationship in your life. ~ Robert Burney
Romantic Relationships ~ The Greatest Arena for Spiritual & Emotional Growth
Codependent Dysfunctional Relationship Dynamics & Healthy Relationship Behavior
Also available as two e-books in
Amazon Kindle format eBook 1 & eBook2
and in Barnes & Noble Nook format eBook 1 & eBook 2
There are free Kindle or Nook Apps for your computer (Windows or Mac), for Tablets iPad or Android, for Smartphones iPhone & iPod Touch, Android, Windows Phone 7, or Blackberry
It is so important to realize how we were set up to feel like failures in Romantic Relationships - to really get it on a gut level, so that we can forgive ourselves.
Part 2 of Heartbreak - Includes Shame Core - Inner Child Healing and Emotional Dishonesty - Emotional Intimacy. "It is a double set up for women in this society. First of all the men were taught that it was not manly to be emotional and that what makes them successful as a man is what they produce - and then women were taught that they needed to be successful in romantic relationships with emotionally unavailable men in order to be successful as a woman. What a set up!"The Emotional Dynamics of Dysfunctional Relationships - A 2 page web article about the inevitable and normal dynamics of romantic relationships in a Codependent society. "We need to be willing to make healing a priority in our life if we are ever going to have a chance to have a healthy relationship. Unless we are healing we will fall prey to the very predictable emotional and behavioral dynamics - the Toxic Romance Two Step - that our emotional wounds and intellectual programming set us up to keep repeating."
Part 3 of Heartbreak - Includes Sexuality, Metaphysical, and Reasons to take the Risk. "Romantic Relationships are one of the most important arenas of Spiritual growth available to us - it is important to our souls to be willing to take the risk of Loving and losing. It is also important to our hearts to take the healthiest risks possible. If we are not doing our healing, we are doing ourselves the ultimate disservice - we are abandoning and abusing our self."
Part 2 of Emotional Dynamics - Includes codependent & counterdependent behavior."Passive-aggressive behavior can take the form of sarcasm, procrastination, chronic lateness, being a party pooper, constantly complaining, being negative, offering opinions and advice that is not asked for, being the martyr, slinging arrows ("whatever have you done to your hair", "gained a little weight haven't we?"), etc."
Toxic Love Romantic Relationships Wedding Prayer
Heartbreak of Romantic Relationships Heartbreak part 2 Heartbreak part 3 Emotional Dynamics
can be purchased for $9.99.
Codependent Dysfunctional Relationship Dynamics & Healthy Relationship Behavior
Codependent Relationships Dynamics - part 2, Dysfunctional Definition of Love - Column originally published at Toxic Love and then expanded. "True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting."
Codependent Relationships Dynamics - part 3, Codependent & Counterdependent Behavior - Both codependent and counterdependent behavior are part of the condition of codependence. "Both the classic codependent patterns and the classic counterdependent patterns are behavioral defenses, strategies, designed to protect us from being abandoned. One tries to protect against abandonment by avoiding confrontation and pleasing the other - while the second tries to avoid abandonment by pretending we don't need anyone else. Both are dysfunctional and dishonest."
Codependent Relationships Dynamics - part 4, Come Here, Go Away - Fear of intimacy keeps people in a come here - go away dance. "It is very boring and incredibly painful to keep repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns. The way to stop repeating those patterns is to start healing the wounds that we suffered in childhood."
Healthy Romantic Relationships - part 2, Clear Communication is the foundation - an article focused on the vital importance of clearly communicating. "The single most useful tool is simply to ask. "How do you define that word?" or "What did you just hear me say?'"
Healthy Romantic Relationships - part 3, Emotional Honesty Necessary - If we are reacting to old wounds and old tapes then we are not being emotionally honest and are incapable of healthy emotional intimacy. "Just to think of how many ghosts are in the room, when two unconscious people are interacting, is mind boggling."
Healthy Romantic Relationships - part 4, Partners in the Journey - An article focused on the priceless gift a relationship can be if both people are in recovery from childhood wounds. "My issues are my responsibility to work through, it is not the other persons job to compromise her self to accommodate my fears and insecurities."
Healthy Romantic Relationships - part 5, Healthy Joyous Sexuality - When two people are connecting in a healthy way on all levels - physical, emotional, mental, and Spiritual - the physical union can become a sacred experience. "A Loving God/Goddess/Great Spirit would not give us sensual and sexual sensations that feel so wonderful unless we were meant to enJoy them."
Healthy Romantic Relationships - part 6, Romantic Love as a Concept - about the importance of changing the dysfunctional definitions of romance and love that we learned as children. "Another way it is important to change our perspective of love is to own that falling in love is a choice. It is not some camouflaged trap in the sidewalk you are the victim of falling into."
Healthy Romantic Relationships - part 7, Valentine's Day 2000 - A completely rewritten version of the column listed second above. "It is very sad that it is so hard to connect with another being in a healthy, Loving way. It is very sad that so many of us have had to shut down our hearts and lock the romantic part of us away in a deep dark place within us."
Healthy Romantic Relationships - part 8, Pay Attention and Communicate - Seeing and hearing clearly, and communicating honestly are vital to becoming healthier in romantic relationships. "The purpose of saying "I am afraid you will get angry" is not to prevent the other person from getting angry, it is to help the other person understand you (in-to-me-see)."
Healthy Romantic Relationships - part 9, The Greatest Arena for Spiritual growth - A romantic relationship is an adventure in growth, an joint expedition into intimacy. "A relationship will be work. It will be challenging and exciting, frustrating and painful. It will help us to access Joy and get us in touch with grief."
Men and Women are from the same planet
The Maiden and the Horndog
Old tapes / traditional beliefs and gender roles
Monogamy - A Spiritual Teachers Perspective
Setting Internal Boundaries in relationship to Romantic, Sexual Relationships
Taking self worth out of the equation in Romantic Relationships
Falling in love as a choice
Homosexuality - and the Bible
The Crippling Shame of Incest / Sexual Abuse
Emotional Incest = Sexuality Abuse
Energetic Attraction - emotional familiarity or Karmic connection?
Emotional Intimacy = in to me see
Fear of Intimacy - Relationship Phobia
Codependent Defenses - Part 1 The Gatekeeper
Codependent Defenses - Part 2 disassociation vs healthy detachment
Codependent Defenses - Part 3 My Gatekeeper