"Steps 4 through 9 are the "house cleaning"
steps. They are the steps that help us to start seeing the past more
clearly so that we can identify our patterns, uncover our denial, and learn
how to take responsibility for our lives. These are the steps that
help us to clean up our relationship with our self, with our Higher Power,
and with life. Seeing ourselves more clearly - in the Light of the
Spiritual Truth of a Loving Higher Power - is how we change our relationship
with our inner process into one that is more Loving."
"The Twelve Step program of AA provides a practical
program for accessing Spiritual power in dealing with day-to-day human life.
A formula for integrating the Spiritual into the physical. Even though some
of the steps, as originally written, contain shaming and abusive wording,
the Twelve Step process and the ancient Spiritual principles underlining
it are invaluable tools in helping the individual being start down, and stay
on, a path aligned with Truth."
"Even though this page is about step 4, I included step 5 and 6 above
because I want to first address the shaming language in which the twelve
steps - as used in AA and adapted by CoDA - are written. Step 6 actually
refers to the negative side of the inventory done in step 4, so is a part
of the fourth step process. (As is step 8, which is list of people
we have harmed. I am going to deal with steps 4 through 9 in the next
article because they are all part of the 4th step process.)
I hate the term "defects of character." There could be no better
term to describe toxic shame. That is what I felt most of my life
- that I was somehow defective, that something was wrong with who I am.
I prefer to refer to these "defects" as codependent behavior patterns
and dysfunctional attitudes. They are part of the emotional defense
system which we adapted to protect ourselves as children. They are
not signs that we are defective, nor are they "wrongs" as step 5 states -
they are dysfunctional because they do not work to help us have a Loving,
fulfilling relationship with ourselves. They are a part of the
disease of codependence that we were powerless over as long as we were unconscious
to them. By starting to get conscious of these behavior patterns and
attitudes we start to access the power to change them. That is what
step 4 is Truly about - becoming conscious."
"Part of the reason that I saw the 4th step as
a very negative self inventory was because of the shame that I was carrying.
But there was also an aspect of this negativity that was due to how the
4th step was approached in Alcoholics Anonymous. Old timers in AA tended
very much in those days (and many still do today), to a black and white /
right and wrong outlook on the steps because of their codependence.
All alcoholics are also codependent according to my definition of codependence.
The term in AA that refers to codependence is "grave emotional and mental
disorders." Recovering alcoholics tend to believe that some of them
have those disorders and some don't - I believe that everyone does, due
to the dysfunctional nature of society. A big part of why I still attend
AA meetings is to carry the message of codependence recovery to the many suffering
codependents in AA."
"As long as we are judging and shaming
ourselves we are giving power to the disease. We are feeding the monster
that is devouring us.
We need to take responsibility without taking
the blame. We need to own and honor the feelings without being a victim of
them."
"One of most important steps to empowerment is
integrating Spiritual Truth into our experience of the process. In
order to do that it is necessary to practice discernment in our relationship
with the emotional and mental components of our being.
We learned to relate to our inner process from
a reversed perspective. We were trained to be emotionally dishonest
(that is, to not feel the feelings or to go to the other extreme by allowing
the feelings to totally run our lives) and to give power to, to buy into,
the reversed attitudes (it is shameful to be human, it is bad to make mistakes,
God is punishing and judgmental, etc.) To find balance within we have
to change our relationship with our inner process."
Steps 4 through 9 are the "house cleaning" steps.
They are the steps that help us to start seeing the past more clearly so
that we can identify our patterns, uncover our denial, and learn how to take
responsibility for our lives. These are the steps that help us to clean
up our relationship with our self, with our Higher Power, and with life.
Seeing ourselves more clearly - in the Light of the Spiritual Truth of a
Loving Higher Power - is how we change our relationship with our inner process
into one that is more Loving.
This page is an introduction to working step 4.
"The Twelve Step program of AA provides a practical
program for accessing Spiritual power in dealing with day-to-day human life.
A formula for integrating the Spiritual into the physical. Even though some
of the steps, as originally written, contain shaming and abusive wording,
the Twelve Step process and the ancient Spiritual principles underlining
it are invaluable tools in helping the individual being start down, and stay
on, a path aligned with Truth."
Working the Fourth Step
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory
of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human
being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects
of character.
Even though this page is about step 4, I included step 5 and 6 above because
I want to first address the shaming language in which the twelve steps -
as used in AA and adapted by CoDA - are written. Step 6 actually refers
to the negative side of the inventory done in step 4, so is a part of the
fourth step process. (As is step 8, which is list of people we have
harmed. I am going to deal with steps 4 through 9 in the next article
because they are all part of the 4th step process.)
I hate the term "defects of character." There could be no better
term to describe toxic shame. That is what I felt most of my life
- that I was somehow defective, that something was wrong with who I am.
I prefer to refer to these "defects" as codependent behavior patterns
and dysfunctional attitudes. They are part of the emotional defense
system which we adapted to protect ourselves as children. They are
not signs that we are defective, nor are they "wrongs" as step 5 states -
they are dysfunctional because they do not work to help us have a Loving,
fulfilling relationship with ourselves. They are a part of the
disease of codependence that we were powerless over as long as we were unconscious
to them. By starting to get conscious of these behavior patterns and
attitudes we start to access the power to change them. That is what
step 4 is Truly about - becoming conscious.
The first time I worked a 4th and 5th step was in the 30 day treatment
program where I got sober. What I heard emphasized about the
4th step was the negative side of the "searching and fearless moral inventory."
The 4th step was for cleaning up the "wreckage of our past." And since
I had a lot of wreckage that I was ashamed of, I thought of the 4th step as
being focused on what I had done "wrong," of how screwed up and sick I was.
[Part of the reason that I saw the 4th step as
a very negative self inventory was because of the shame that I was carrying.
But there was also an aspect of this negativity that was due to how the
4th step was approached in Alcoholics Anonymous. Old timers in AA tended
very much in those days (and many still do today), to a black and white /
right and wrong outlook on the steps because of their codependence.
All alcoholics are also codependent according to my definition of codependence.
The term in AA that refers to codependence is "grave emotional and mental
disorders." Recovering alcoholics tend to believe that some of them
have those disorders and some don't - I believe that everyone does, due
to the dysfunctional nature of society. A big part of why I still attend
AA meetings is to carry the message of codependence recovery to the many suffering
codependents in AA.
This black and white perspective can actually
be an asset in early recovery - in relationship to quitting drinking - because
the issue of drinking is a black and white issue. One either drinks
or doesn't drink. It can actually be very helpful in alcoholism recovery
to apply the black and white thinking of codependence to the issue of drinking.
"I am a success today because I haven't had a drink today," is a very True
statement for any alcoholic - but it is also True that drinking is a symptom
of of the grave emotional and mental disorders caused by childhood trauma.
As with certain other addictive/compulsive behaviors - anorexia and bulimia,
sex addiction, etc. - it is necessary with alcoholism/drug addiction to get
the symptoms under control before the underlying causes can be addressed.
There is an old AA saying that "AA doesn't open up the gates of heaven and
let us in - it opens up the gates of hell and lets us out." What quitting
drinking lets an alcoholic out into is life - and in order to significantly
change one's relationship with life it is necessary to deal with the childhood
wounds - in my opinion.]
I was very good at doing a negative inventory - I had been doing that
all of my life, judging and shaming myself. For me in early recovery,
the fearless and searching moral inventory was a way to beat myself up for
being defective.
But that first time that I did a 4th step, I was also assigned to do
a positive inventory of sorts. I was given an assignment to write
up a list of positive characteristics that I possessed. I approached
this assignment, as I approached much of life in those days, out of a bravado
based on the false self image of myself that I had worn as a mask to hide
my shameful being. I made up a list of 30 some positive characteristics
that I would present in a humorous, charming way - or so I thought.
When I was asked to read this list in my therapy group, I pulled out my piece
of paper and made some comment that betrayed the bravado I was approaching
the assignment with - and my counselor promptly snatched the paper out of
my hands. He then asked me to state 3 good things about myself.
I could not. I cried. I could not think of a single positive,
good thing about me. I just sat there crying out of the core shame
that I felt. Crying because of the pain of knowing that I was defective.
When I worked through the 12 steps in order again after my awakening
to codependence on June 3, 1986, I wrote another fourth step. I had
been telling myself that the 4th step I did in treatment, when I was less
than 30 days sober, was good enough for two and a half years. My awakening
caused me to get honest enough with myself to write another 4th step.
I don't remember any of that 4th step now, 13 years later - except for
the part about the letter to my father. Whatever I did in that July
writing in 1986 opened me up to becoming more conscious of my patterns -
helped me to peel away some more of my denial. Writing that fourth
step changed my life for the better and opened me up to a new, deeper level
of self-honesty. It was a very vital step in leading me to become willing
to do my emotional healing - to getting emotionally honest with myself.
Writing that fourth step was a very huge milestone in my journey home to Love.
There are a variety of ways to do a 4th step. There are many books/workbooks
now available that can help someone who wants to work the steps in order
- including working a 4th step. I highly recommend Melody Beattie's
book on the steps (see recommended books page) - but there are many others available.
Any of them would be valuable to someone new to recovery - or to someone
who has been involved in the healing process but has never worked the steps
per se.
As I mentioned in my article on working the first three steps, we work
the steps and practice the principles behind the steps anytime we are taking
some action that is aligned with healing, with Spiritual awakening, with
recovery. Reading self help books, going to therapy, attending workshops,
going to 12 step meetings, attending Spiritual or healing gatherings, etc.
- are all ways to be actively involved in the uncover, discover, recover
process.
It is extremely useful however, and can begin a great acceleration in
our healing process, to actually work through the 12 steps in order, in
writing. I am going to describe a way in which I would now approach
the 4th step, which will include working the 6th through 9th steps, in the
next article in this series - but I just want to emphasis here that
I believe it can be a very valuable experience for anyone to actually work
the steps in writing, no matter which workbook or guidelines one follows.
I want to end this page with another example of how the Truth mechanism
in my elbow has worked at certain times. These types of Truth interventions,
of "Freudian slips" as it were, either writing or talking have been a very
important thing for me to pay attention to in recovery. They have
pointed out areas where my focus was off, where my perspective was causing
me to see things from a victim perspective instead of seeing the higher truth.
They have been invaluable messages telling me where to concentrate my energy
and attention.
There is a Latin term used in law that means something to the effect
of "The thing speaks for itself." I don't remember the term right
now but this example is an illustration is such a "thing." It came
while I was doing some more work on that 4th step in July of 1986.
I was doing some writing that had been suggested on the seven deadly sins
(something I wouldn't use today) and was writing a sentence about each of
those so-called deadly sins. Here is a sentence as I thought it in
my head and commanded my hand to write it:
I feel envious when I see all of the affection other people are getting.
What I actually wrote was:
I feel envious when I see all of the affection other people are giving.
And the giving, of course, has to start with giving Love to self.
