The healing process is full of paradox
and irony on multiple levels. One of those paradoxes is that in order
to get in touch with our ONENESS with everything, we must first be able
to define our self as separate from others. And in order to become an
integrated whole being, we must first separate and own all of the different
parts of our self within. As long as we don't have clear boundaries
between our self and others - we cannot know where we end and someone else
starts - we cannot get clear on what is our stuff and what is theirs.
As long as we don't have clear boundaries within ourselves, we are set up
to be the victim of our own thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
Detachment is a vital technique in starting
to see our self and others more clearly.
Most people who have any experience with twelve
step programs will associate the term "detachment" with Al-Anon. In
Al-Anon terms, detachment means to let go of believing that one has the
power to make an alcoholic drink - or not drink. To stop taking an
alcoholics behavior personally. It means to let go of feeling responsible
for another persons feelings and behavior.
Detaching from feeling responsible for the feelings
and behavior of other people is one of the initial stages of any codependence
recovery. We learned in childhood that we had the power to make our
parents happy or sad, angry or scared. We experienced painful consequences
when our behavior was not what the adults around us considered acceptable.
Some of us came from families where being a human child was not acceptable
behavior. Some of us came from families afflicted with alcoholism
or mental illness, in which case the definition of acceptable behavior varied
wildly from one day to the next. Some of us came from families where
as children we were allowed to have the power and be in control - which
is terrifying and abusive to a child. Some of us came from families
where no one in the family had permission to be human. None of these
environments taught us how to relate to self and life in a healthy way.
We grew up getting the message that we were
responsible for other people feelings and behavior. And we were
taught to give other people or outside agencies power over how we felt about
ourselves. We learned to do life backwards.
"I spent most of my life doing the Serenity
prayer backwards, that is, trying to change the external things over which
I had no control - other people and life events mostly - and taking no responsibility
(except shaming and blaming myself) for my own internal process - over which
I can have some degree of control. Having some control is not a bad
thing; trying to control something or somebody over which I have no control
is what is dysfunctional."
We tried to control other people so we could
protect ourselves emotionally. Some of us (classical codependent
behavior) tried to control through people pleasing, being a chameleon,
wearing a mask, dancing to other people's tunes. Some of us (classical
counterdependent behavior - the opposite extreme) protected ourselves by
pretending that we didn't need other people. Either way we were living
life in reaction to our childhood wounds - we were not making clear, conscious
choices. (If we think our choice is to be in an abusive relationship
or not to be in a relationship at all, that is not a choice - that is reacting
between two extremes that are symptoms of our childhood wounds.)" - Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light
I needed to learn how to apply the Serenity Prayer to my life by learning
what I do have the power to change and what I don't have power over.
This was for me the beginning of learning about boundaries.
Boundaries
Boundary 1. A limiting or dividing line or mark.
(New Illustrated Webster's Dictionary)
Boundaries define limits, mark off dividing lines. The purpose
of a boundary is to make clear separations between different turf, different
territory.
In terms of boundaries between countries, these dividing lines are arbitrary
and mostly man made according to who won the last war - although sometimes
natural boundaries such as rivers are a factor in drawing the boundary lines.
Likewise, boundaries between states, counties, those defining property lines
- are primarily arbitrary and man made.
In relationship to recovery and the growth process, I am going to be
talking about two primary types of boundaries. Natural boundaries
that are part of the way life works - that are aligned with the reality of
the rules that govern human dynamics - and personal boundaries.
It is vital in recovery to start recognizing and accepting the reality
of the human life experience. We need to learn to live life on "life's
terms" - play the game of life by the rules that actually work, instead
of the dysfunctional ones we learned in childhood.
We grew up in dysfunctional families living in dysfunctional societies
that were part of dysfunctional civilizations. The definitions we
learned in childhood about who we were, how life works, and how to relate
to other people were false, distorted, and twisted. Because the definitions,
attitudes, and beliefs we were programmed with in childhood were false,
they set us up to have emotional reactions to life that gave us inaccurate
information.
"Our experiential reality is determined by the interpretations
of our mind - by the intellectual paradigm which we are using to define
/ determine / translate / explain our reality. The attitudes, definitions,
and belief systems which we hold mentally dictate our emotional reactions.
Attitudes, definitions, and beliefs determine perspective and expectation
- which in turn dictates our relationships. Our relationships to our
self, to life, to other people, to The God-Force / Goddess Energy / Great
Spirit. Our relationships to our own emotions, bodies, gender, etc.,
are dictated by the attitudes, definitions, and beliefs that we are holding
mentally / intellectually. And we acquired those mental constructs
/ ideas / concepts in early childhood from the emotional experiences, intellectual
teachings, and role modeling of the beings around us. If we have not
done our emotional healing so that we can get in touch with our subconscious
intellectual programming then we are still reacting to that early childhood
programming / intellectual paradigm even though we may not be aware of it
consciously." - The True Nature of Love - part 4, Energetic Clarity
Our emotions are what drive us, what propel us, through life.
Our emotions tell us who we are. If our relationship with our own
emotions is messed up, we cannot see reality clearly.
If life is a dance, then our emotions provide the music. Dancing
in the dark according to rules that are dysfunctional is not much fun.
Dancing through life believing that we have responsibility for the feelings
and behaviors of others, doesn't allow us to relax and enjoy life very much.
Believing that we have to earn love by doing the dance "right,' by being
perfect, in order to reach the destination where we will get to live happily-ever-after
- sets us up to be unhappy and blame ourselves for being unworthy and unlovable.
We were taught that life is about destinations,
and that when we get to point x - be it marriage or college degree or fame
and fortune or whatever - we will live happily ever after.
That is not the way life works. You know
that now, and probably threw out that fairy tale ending stuff intellectually
a long time ago. But on some emotional level we keep looking for it
because that is what the children in us were taught. We keep living
life as if it is a dress rehearsal for "when our ship comes in." For
when we really start to live. For when we get that relationship, or
accomplishment, or money that will make us okay, that will fix us.
We do not need fixing. We are not broken.
Our sense of self, our self perception, was shattered and fractured and broken
into pieces, not our True Self.
We learned to have a dysfunctional relationship with self, with other
people, and with life in early childhood. It is vital to start looking
at our self and life from a new perspective, with different eyes.
In order to do that, it is necessary to start being very honest with ourselves.
Once we start to be honest and see reality with more clarity then we can start
changing our relationships, start changing the way we do the dance of life.
The way this works for humans, is that we keep dancing the dance we have
known until we get consequences that are so painful that we are forced to
surrender the way we have been dancing and consider doing it different.
When we get to a point where we are beaten and bloody enough from banging
our heads into the same wall, where we are sick and tired of being sick
and tired of our consequences - then we become willing to consider changing
the way we dance.
For me the original point of surrender came because of alcohol.
When I was in enough pain, and my family quit enabling me, I was forced to
detach enough from my dance to get honest with myself about the effect
that alcohol was having on my life. (Enabling is when family, friends
and/or loved ones rescue us from the consequences of our own behavior.
As long as we do not have to face our responsibility for what we are getting
in life, we are never forced to get honest with ourselves about our part
in creating those consequences.)
I had to get honest with myself enough to stop blaming other people and
life for the reality of the dance I had been dancing. I had to detach
enough from my reactive process to see clearly that alcohol and drugs were
not serving me anymore - that my relationship with them was dysfunctional.
I had to set a boundary with myself mentally about my beliefs in relationship
to alcohol. I had to stop seeing alcohol and drugs as a solution,
as a tool for coping with life that I could not live without - in other
words, I needed to change my relationship with alcohol and my beliefs about
alcohol and drugs. I had to get honest with myself about the consequences
of my drinking.
I was forced to look at the reality of my life, to get emotionally honest
with myself, and own that I had a choice to do things different. I
had to start taking some responsibility for my life, instead of blaming
it on others. I had to own that I had a choice to set a boundary
with myself about my behavior in regard to alcohol - that I could choose
to learn how to live life without drinking and using by having boundaries
with myself.
Hitting bottom, the point of surrender - rather it is because of alcohol,
or an eating disorder, or abusive relationships, or whatever - is a gift
from the Universe. It is the point where we are forced to start becoming
honest with ourselves. It is the point where we start awakening to
the reality of the dysfunctional dance we have been doing. It is the
point where we start recognizing natural boundaries and start setting personal
boundaries.
Recognizing that alcohol was not working for me anymore, was to become
conscious of the limitations set up by the disease of alcoholism.
It was a recognition of the natural boundaries that my body was setting about
my use of alcohol and drugs. Once I got honest with myself about
the reality of my life, then I could recognize that I had a choice to not
drink one day at a time by starting to have a personal boundary with myself
about picking up the next drink.
Getting honest with myself and seeing life more clearly was the beginning
of my journey of recovery. Emotional honesty, taking responsibility,
recognizing and setting boundaries were all necessary ingredients in beginning
to awaken to a new way of living life.
The Rules that Work
In terms of the Serenity Prayer, I needed to figure out what I did have
the power to change and what I did not. I needed to learn the extent
of my own personal power. I needed to detach from my own reactive
relationship with life enough to start seeing with some clarity where the
boundaries of my power ended so that I could figure out what I was responsible
for - and therefore what I could change - and what I was powerless over,
and therefore needed to accept.
The Serenity Prayer states;
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
The wisdom to know the difference is, of course, the key here.
As long as I was looking outside of myself for a way to fill the hole I felt
within, I was set up to fail. As long as my relationship with life
was being dictated by the false beliefs and definitions I had learned in
childhood, I was destined to have a dysfunctional relationship with life.
I do not have the power to make other people be who I want them to be.
I am not in control of life. I cannot dictate the outcome of situations.
I can take actions in a direction to try to make something happen. I
can plant seeds in hopes that they grow. But ultimately I am not in
control of life events. It was very important for me to accept that
in order to start seeing life more clearly.
It was very important for me to realize that what I do have some power
over is my own attitudes, behavior, and feelings. It was very important
for me to recognize that other people did not have power over my feelings
unless I gave it to them. It was vital for me to start realizing and
taking responsibility for how I was setting myself up to be the victim because
of my childhood programming.
"There is an old joke about the difference
between a neurotic and a psychotic. The psychotic truly believes that 2
+ 2 = 5. The neurotic knows that it is 4 but can't stand it. That was the
way I lived most of my life, I could see how life was but I couldn't stand
it. I was always feeling like a victim because people and life were not acting
in the way I believed they "should" act.
I expected life to be different than it is.
I thought if I was good and did it "right" then I would reach 'happily ever
after.' I believed that if I was nice to people they would be nice to me.
Because I grew up in a society where people were taught that other people
could control their feelings, and vise versa, I had spent most of my life
trying to control the feelings of others and blaming them for my feelings.
By having expectations I was giving power away.
In order to become empowered I had to own that I had choices about how I
viewed life, about my expectations. I realized that no one can make me feel
hurt or angry - that it is my expectations that cause me to generate feelings
of hurt or anger. In other words, the reason I feel hurt or anger is because
other people, life, or God are not doing what I want them, expect them,
to do.
I had to learn to be honest with myself about
my expectations - so I could let go of the ones that were insane (like,
everyone is going to drive the way I want them to), and own my choices - so
I could take responsibility for how I was setting myself up to be a victim
in order to change my patterns. Accept the things I cannot change - change
the things I can." - Serenity and
Expectations
If someone is emotionally abusive, and I keep expecting them to treat
me in a loving respectful way - then I am the one who has the problem.
I give them the power to push my buttons because I am empowering an insane
expectation. I think they "should" act different, so I keep setting
them up to be the bad guy, and me to be the poor abused victim. This
is a codependent pattern that allows me to feel superior to others because
of my self righteous indignation.
It is very sad that one of my main sources of self esteem for much of
my life was to feel morally superior to the people who were abusing me.
It is not bad or wrong or shameful - but it is dysfunctional, and it is very
sad.
We cannot become clear on what we are seeing or
hearing if we are reacting to emotional wounds that we have not been willing/able
to feel and subconscious attitudes that we have not been willing/able to
look at.
We cannot learn to trust ourselves as long as we
are still setting ourselves up to be victimized by untrustworthy people.
We cannot learn to Love ourselves enough to meet our own needs until we start
to release the attitudes and feelings that tell us that we are unworthy
- that it is somehow shameful to be ourselves. We cannot learn to
Love ourselves without learning discernment.
The black and white thinking of Codependence causes
us to either keep the baby in the dirty bath water or throw out both. Discernment
is picking the baby out of the dirty bath water.
We can learn to trust and Love ourselves through
learning to make healthier choices about who to trust and what to believe.
We can begin to be able to recognize Truth and throw out the distortions,
false beliefs, and lies. By doing our emotional healing, by changing
the dysfunctional attitudes, we can start being responsible in our lives
- that is, we can begin to have the ability to respond to life honestly in
the moment.
Until we heal our wounds, until we become honest
and clear in our emotional process, we are not able to be discerning.
We are not capable of responding to life in the now - we are only able to
react out of old grief, out of old tapes.
One of the trickiest challenges with codependence recovery is escaping
from the black and white thinking. Out of our codependence - from
an emotional reaction level - there were two options: blame them, blame me.
It is vital in recovery to start taking the blame out of the process.
We need to learn to take responsibility for our side of the street, and
hold other people responsible for their side of the street.
As we become aware of how we have set ourselves up to be emotionally
abused it is important not to judge and blame ourselves for behavior and
attitudes that we were unconsciously empowering. If we beat ourselves
up for being emotionally abused, then we are emotionally abusing ourselves.
It is vital to start recognizing how the childhood emotional and intellectual
programming set us up. It is very important to start recognizing our
powerlessness to change our patterns until we became aware of them.
In order to stop emotionally abusing ourselves, and allowing others to emotionally
abuse us, it is very important to become aware of how powerful our childhood
programming has been in our lives.
We must start recognizing our powerlessness over
this disease of Codependence.
As long as we did not know we had a choice we did
not have one.
If we never knew how to say "no," then we never
really said "yes."
We were powerless to do anything any different
than we did it. We were doing the best we knew how with the tools that we
had. None of us had the power to write a different script for our
lives.
Two Examples
I am going to wrap up this article by giving two examples of how powerful
the intellectual and emotional programing is until we get conscious of it
and honest with ourselves about how the past is dictating our lives today.
The first example is from my own personal process about the breakthrough
that started my codependence recovery. The second is about someone
I worked with and points out how necessary it is to do the emotional healing
to get in touch with the subconscious intellectual programming
"I went home to do some writing and was
pretty amazed at what it revealed. I realized that I was still reacting
to life out of the religious programming of my childhood - even though I
had thrown out that belief system on a conscious, intellectual level in
my late teens and early twenties. The writing that I did that night
helped me to recognize that my emotional programming was dictating my relationship
with life even though it was not what I consciously believed.
I realized that the belief that "life was about
sin and punishment and I was a sinner who deserved to be punished" was running
my life. When I felt "bad" or "bad" things happened to me -
I tried to blame it on others to keep from realizing how much I was hating
myself for being flawed and defective, a sinner. When I felt good or
good things happened I was holding my breath because I knew it would be taken
away because I didn't deserve it. Often when things got too good I
would sabotage it because I couldn't stand the suspense of waiting for god
to take it away - which "he" would because I didn't deserve it.
. . . I said to myself - this is no way to live life, I need to change
this. So that night I started to focus on changing the subconscious
programming from my childhood. I didn't know how I was going to do
it - but I was determined to find out. (That was an act of Love for
myself that at the time I wouldn't have known to call Love.)" - Joy2MeU Journal Premier issue The Story
of "Joy to You & Me"
