"One of the false beliefs that it
is important to let go of, is the belief that we need another person in our
lives to make us whole. As long as we believe that someone else has
the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims."
Codependence: The Dance
of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
One of the first steps to opening up to the
possibility of have a healthy relationship is to start changing the dysfunctional
attitudes and beliefs we learned in childhood. Our attitudes, beliefs,
and definitions set up our expectations and perspectives which in turn dictate
our emotional relationships. In order to change our relationship patterns
we need to change the attitudes and beliefs so that we will stop expecting
the magic of fairy tales in our romantic relationships.
You are not going to live happily-ever-after
once you find your prince or princess. There is no happily-ever-after
on this plane of existence. You may find your prince or princess but
they will have issues to deal with. Relationships are something that
needs to be worked on - not some magic wand that makes everybody happy.
A healthy romantic relationship is based
on interdependence. Codependence and interdependence are two very different
Codependence is about giving away power
over our self-esteem. Taking our self-definition and self-worth from
outside or external sources is dysfunctional because it causes us to give
power over how we feel about ourselves to people and forces which we cannot
If my self-esteem is based on people, places,
and things; money, property, and prestige; looks, talent, intelligence; then
I am set up to be a victim. People will not always do what I want them
too; property can be destroyed by an earthquake or flood or fire; money can
disappear in a stock market crash or bad investment; looks change as I get
older. Everything changes. All outside or external conditions
That is why it is so important to get in
touch with our Spiritual connection. To start realizing that we have
worth because we are children of God. That we are all part of the Eternal
ONENESS that is the God Force/Goddess Energy/Great Spirit. We are Spiritual
beings having a human experience - our worth as beings is not dependent upon
any outer or external condition. We are Unconditionally Loved and we
always have been.
The more we can start owning the Truth of
who we really are and integrating it into our relationship with ourselves,
the more we can enjoy this human experience that we are having. Then
we can start learning how to be interdependent - how to give power away in
conscious, healthy ways - because our self-worth is no longer dependent on
Interdependence is about making allies,
forming partnerships. It is about forming connections with other beings.
Interdependence means that we give someone else some power over our welfare
and our feelings.
Anytime we care about somebody or something
we give away some power over our feelings. It is impossible to Love
without giving away some power. When we choose to Love someone (or thing
- a pet, a car, anything) we are giving them the power to make us happy -
we cannot do that without also giving them the power to hurt us or cause
us to feel angry or scared.
In order to live we need to be interdependent.
We cannot participate in life without giving away some power over our feelings
and our welfare. I am not talking here just about people. If we
put money in a bank we are giving some power over our feelings and welfare
to that bank. If we have a car we have a dependence on it and will have
feelings if it something happens to it. If we live in society we have
to be interdependent to some extent and give some power away. The key
is to be conscious in our choices and own responsibility for the consequences.
The way to healthy interdependence is to
be able to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics
and most of all ourselves clearly. If we are not working on healing
our childhood wounds and changing our childhood programming then we cannot
begin to see ourselves clearly let alone anything else in life.
The disease of Codependence causes us to
keep repeating patterns that are familiar. So we pick untrustworthy
people to trust, undependable people to depend on, unavailable people to
love. By healing our emotional wounds and changing our intellectual programming
we can start to practice discernment in our choices so that we can change
our patterns and learn to trust ourselves.
As we develop healthy self-esteem based
on knowing that the Force is with us and Loves us, then we can consciously
take the risk of Loving, of being interdependent, without buying into the
belief that the behavior of others determines our self-worth. We will
have feelings - we will get hurt, we will be scared, we will get angry -
because those feelings are an unavoidable part of life. Feelings are a part
of the human experience that we came here to learn about - they cannot be
avoided. And trying to avoid them only causes us to miss out on the
Joy and Love and happiness that can also be a part of the human experience.
By changing our intellectual paradigm -
our attitudes, beliefs, and definitions - we can stop expecting life to be
something it is not. We can stop expecting relationships to be magic
just because falling in love feels magical. We can start having a realistic
view of relationships which will allow us to be responsible enough to do
the work it takes to work through issues, to keep communication happening,
to form a healthy interdependent partnership with another human being.
It is in taking responsibility and working through issues that the True magic
of emotional intimacy can flower. The sacred magic that is Love is
worth the effort.
Two people consciously working together
can be a very beautiful experience.