Personal Boundaries
"Boundaries define limits, mark off dividing
lines. The purpose of a boundary is to make clear separations
between different turf, different territory. . . .
In relationship to recovery and the growth process,
I am going to be talking about two primary types of boundaries.
Natural boundaries that are part of the way life works - that are aligned
with the reality of the rules that govern human dynamics - and personal
boundaries." - Emotional
Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 2
The process of Recovery teaches us how to
take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways - by learning
what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them.
It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need,
and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs. (Of course
many of us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is
all right for us to have needs.)
(Text in this color are quotes from Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls)
The purpose of having boundaries is to protect
and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people
when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A
first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend
ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty, to take
responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.
We need to start becoming aware of what healthy
behavior and acceptable interaction dynamics look like before we can
start practicing them ourselves - and demanding the proper treatment
from others. We need to start learning how to be emotionally honest
with ourselves, how to start owning our feelings, and how to communicate
in a direct and honest manner. Setting personal boundaries is vital
part of healthy relationships - which are not possible without communication.
The first thing that we need to learn to do is
communicate without blaming. That means, stop saying things like:
you make me so angry; you hurt me; you make me crazy;
how could you do that to me after all I have done for you; etc.
These are the very types of messages we got in childhood that has so warped
our perspective on our own emotional process.
I grew up believing that I had the power to make
my father angry and to break my mother's heart. I thought that
I was supposed to be perfect, and that if I was not, I was causing the
people I loved great pain. I grew up believing that something was
wrong with me because I was human. I grew up believing that I had
power over other peoples feelings - and they had power over mine.
In my codependence I learned to be enmeshed with
other people - to not have healthy boundaries that told me who "I" was,
and that I was a separate person from them. I had to become hyper-vigilant
in childhood. I learned to focus on trying to interpret what my
parents and other authority figures were feeling in order to try to protect
myself. As an adult, I unconsciously tried to manipulate people
- by trying to be what they wanted me to be if I wanted them to like me,
or trying to be either intimidating or invisible if that seemed the safest
course. I had no real concept of being responsible for my own feelings
because I had learned that other people were responsible for my feelings
- and vice versa. I had to learn to start defining myself emotionally
as separate from other people in order to start learning who I was.
I was not able to start seeing myself as separate
in a healthy way (I had always felt that I was separate in an unhealthy
way - shameful and unworthy) until I started to see that I had been powerless
over the behavior patterns I learned in childhood. Since my behavior
patterns, my behavioral and emotional defense systems, had developed
in reaction to the feeling that there was something wrong with me, I had
to learn to start taking power away from the toxic shame that is at the
core of this disease. Toxic shame involves thinking that there is
something wrong with who we are. Guilt - in my definition - involves
behavior, while shame is about our being. Guilt is: I did something
wrong; I made a mistake. Shame is: I am a mistake;
something is wrong with me.
On an emotional level the dance of Recovery is
owning and honoring the emotional wounds so that we can release the
grief energy - the pain, rage, terror, and shame that is driving us.
That shame is toxic and is not ours - it never
was! We did nothing to be ashamed of - we were just little kids.
Just as our parents were little kids when they were wounded and shamed,
and their parents before them, etc., etc. This is shame about being
human that has been passed down from generation to generation.
There is no blame here, there are no bad guys,
only wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds.
In order to stop giving the toxic shame so much
power, I had to learn to detach from my own reactive process enough
to start being able to see a boundary between being and behavior.
I had to stop judging myself and other people based on behavior.
I started to learn how to observe behavior without making judgments about
myself and others. There is a huge difference between judgment in my definition
and observation. It is vital for me to observe other people's behavior
in order to protect myself. That does not mean I need to make a
value judgment about their being based upon their behavior.
Judgment is saying, "that person is a jerk."
Observation is saying, "that person seems to be really full of anger and
it would be better for me to not be involved with them."
[When I use the term "judge," I am talking about
making judgments about our own or other people's being based on behavior.
In other words, I did something bad therefore I am a bad person; I made
a mistake therefore I am a mistake. That is what toxic shame is all
about: feeling that something is wrong with our being, that we are
somehow defective because we have human drives, human weaknesses, human
imperfections.
There may be behavior in which we have engaged
that we feel ashamed of but that does not make us shameful beings
We may need to make judgments about whether our behavior is healthy and
appropriate but that does not mean that we have to judge our essential
self, our being, because of the behavior. Our behavior has been dictated
by our disease, by our childhood wounds; it does not mean that we are bad
or defective as beings. It means that we are human, it means that
we are wounded.
It is important to start setting a boundary between
being and behavior. All humans have equal Divine value as beings
- no matter what our behavior. Our behavior is learned (and/or reactive
to physical or physiological conditions). Behavior, and the attitudes
that dictate behavior, are adopted defenses designed to allow us to
survive in the Spiritually hostile, emotionally repressive, dysfunctional
environments into which we were born.]
Formula for emotionally honest communication
So, it is very important for us to learn
to communicate about how another person's behavior is affecting us -
without making blaming "you" type of statements. There is a simple
formula to help us do this. It is:
When you . . . . .
I feel . . . . .
I want . . . .
Since I am powerless over you, I will take this
action to protect myself if you behave in this way.
The fourth part of this formula is setting
the boundary. I will get to that in a moment. The first three
parts of the formula are a very important part of taking responsibility
for our self - an important step in learning to define ourselves as separate
in a healthy way.
When you . . . . .
The "When you . . ." statement is a description
of behavior. It is very important actually describe the behavior.
To say to another person: when you get angry; when you shame me;
or such statements - is too general, not specific enough. These types
of general statements do not really describe the behavior - they are
our interpretations of the behavior. A major facet of codependence
is assuming, interpreting, mind reading, and fortune telling - due to our
childhood conditioning. We think we know the intentions and motives of
others. We assume that they are conscious of their behavior and will
know what we are talking about.
It is vital to realize that we do not know how
to communicate in a direct and honest manner. We need to stop
interpreting and start communicating. It is important to describe
the behavior rather than our interpretation and assumptions about what
the behavior means.
"When your face gets red and your voice gets louder
and your hands clench into fists" - is specific and descriptive.
It does not assume - rather it describes the behavior that appears to us
to indicate anger.
"When you look at me with a frown on your face
and your eye brows slightly raised and give a loud sigh" - is a description
of behavior that causes us to react with guilt and shame. Usually
the other people have no idea of what their behavior looks like.
Our parents tried to control our behavior with fear, guilt, and shame because
that is how their parents tried to control their behavior in childhood.
We react in the ways we do because of the emotional buttons, the triggers,
that our parents behavior toward us installed in our programming.
Usually, when we first confront such behavior
in a healthy way, the other people will profess innocence and ignorance of
what we are talking about. But, by describing the behavior, we will
be planting seeds of consciousness in them that may eventually cause them
to get more conscious of the sound of their own voice, or their sighs.
Describing behavior is an important step towards making it possible for the
other people to get past their toxic shame so that they can start seeing
a boundary between being and behavior.
We of course, are powerless over them - over whether
they get it, understand what we are doing. But in learning to
communicate in a healthy way, without blame and shame, we are maximizing
the possibility of communication.
I feel . . . . .
This is the part of the formula where we start learning to express
our emotions in a healthy and honest way. This is a vital part
of the process of owning our emotions. Anyone who is fairly new
to this process, and isn't sure what I mean by owning the feelings, would
probably benefit from reading two short articles about emotions and emotional
defenses. Those articles: The Journey to the Emotional Frontier Within and
Further Journeys to the Emotional Frontier Within can be accessed
right now by clicking on the link for the first one and then following
the link to the second one. (The article will appear in a new browser
window, so that after reading the articles you can collapse the new window
and return to this article.)
It is best to use primary feeling words (described in the articles above)
when expressing the "I feel . . . ." part of this formula - but it is
also OK to use words that describe the messages we feel are inherent
in their behaviors.
When your voice gets louder and your face gets red and you clench your
fists,
I feel scared, intimidated, unsafe. I feel like you are
going to hit me.
When I try to talk to you while you are watching television and
I have to say your name 3 or 4 times before you respond,
I feel angry, hurt, discounted, unimportant, insignificant,
invisible, like I am being punished. It feels like you do not
want to communicate with me.
It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede
the feeling with "I feel." (When we say "I am angry, I'm hurt,
etc." we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions
do not define us, they are a form of internal communication that help
us to understand ourselves. They are a vital part of our being -
as a component of the whole.) This is owning the feeling. It
is important to do for ourselves. By stating the feeling out loud
we are affirming that we have a right to feelings. We are affirming
it to ourselves - and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and our
reality. Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not
as important as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right
to our feelings. It is vitally important to own our own voice.
To own our right to speak up for ourselves.
As we get farther along in the process, and start to get more aware
of our inner child wounds, we can start being more discerning in our communications
techniques. For instance, if one was hit as a child, then a raised
voice is a trigger to the child's fear of being hit. For the little
child it was life threatening when a giant adult raged. In your
adult relationship, you may feel very confident that your significant
other (or boss or whatever) would not hit you - but when we are triggered,
we react out of the emotional wounds of the child, out of the child's
emotional reality.
So then you might say something like:
When your voice gets louder and your face gets red and you clench your
fists . . .
I feel scared and hurt. I react out of the 5 year old
in me who got hit when my father raged. I react to a loud voice
by feeling like I am going to be hit.
(Often someone that comes from a loud expressive family will get
involved with someone that comes from an very emotionally repressive
family. Then the first person will not think anything of being loud
- while the second will be very upset by loudness. The only way to
work through the programming from our childhood is to be able to communicate
with each other so that we can start becoming conscious of our behaviors
and how they affect others.)
I want . . . .
I want is pretty self explanatory. But again it is important
not to be too general. Saying something like: "I want to know I
am important to you. I want to know you love me." is not specific
enough. Describe the kind of behaviors that would give you the message
that you want from the other person.
"I want you to answer me when I talk to you. I want you to tell
me you love me - and show me with funny little gifts and cards and making
plans on your own for a special date for just the two of us. I
want you to ask me how my day went and really listen to my answer."
etc.
Setting Boundaries
The purpose of setting boundaries is to take care of our self.
Being forced to learn how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning
to own our self, of learning to respect ourselves, of learning to love
ourselves. If we never have to set a boundary, then we will never
get in touch with who we really are - will never escape the enmeshment
of codependence and learn to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.
When I first encountered the concept of boundaries, I thought of them
as lines that I would draw in the sand - and if you stepped across them
I would shoot you (figuratively speaking.) (I had this image of
some place like the Alamo - from a movie I guess - where a sword was used
to draw a line in the sand, and then those that were going to stay and
fight to the death stepped across it.) I thought that boundaries
had to be rigid and final and somehow kind of fatal.
Some boundaries are rigid - and need to be. Boundaries such as:
"It is not OK to hit me, ever." "It is not acceptable to call
me certain names." "It is not acceptable to cheat on me."
No one deserves to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be
lied to and betrayed.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If we do
not respect ourselves, if we do not start awakening to our right to
be treated with respect and dignity (and our responsibility in creating
that in our lives) - then we will be more comfortable being involved with
people who abuse us then with people who treat us in loving ways.
Often if we do not respect ourselves, we will end up exhibiting abusive
behavior towards people who do not abuse us. On some level in our
codependence, we are more comfortable with being abused (because it is what
we have always known) than being treated in a loving way.
Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love our self, and
to communicating to other's that we have worth.
There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are
setting the boundary - the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.
If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable
(again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect
and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the
boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps
you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning
about boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be:
If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges
- and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten
me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever
manner is necessary.
It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part
of this formula with the other person when setting a boundary - the first
two steps are the actual setting of the boundary. The third part
is something we need to know for ourselves, so that we know what action
we can take if the other person violates the boundary. If we set
a boundary and expect the other person to abide by it automatically - then
we are setting ourselves up to be a victim of our expectation.
It is not enough to set boundaries - it is necessary to be willing to
do whatever it takes to enforce them. We need to be willing to
go to any length, do whatever it takes to protect ourselves. This
is something that really upset me when I first started learning how to
set boundaries. It took great courage for me to build myself up to
a point where I was willing to set a boundary. I thought that the
huge thing I had done to set a boundary should be enough. Then to
see that some people just ignored the boundaries I had set, seemed terribly
unfair to me.
Consequences
It is very important to set consequences that we are willing to
enforce. If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, and you
are not yet at a point where you are ready to leave the relationship - then
don't say that you will leave. You can say that you will start considering
all of your options including leaving - but do not state that you will
do something that you are not ready yet to do. To set boundaries
and not enforce them just gives the other person an excuse to continue
in the same old behavior.
If you verbally abuse me by calling me names like stupid or
jerk, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.
If you continue that behavior I will leave the room/house/ask
you to leave.
If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of
my options, including leaving this relationship.
~
If you break your plans with me by not showing up or by calling
me at the last minute to tell me that you had something else come up, I
will confront your behavior and share my feelings.
If you repeat that behavior, I will consider it to mean that you do
not value or deserve my friendship - and I will have no contact with
you for a month.
Since behavior patterns are quite ingrained in all of us, it is
important to allow the other person some wiggle room to make a change
in behavior - unless the behavior is really intolerable.
To go from one extreme to the other is a reaction to a reaction - and is
codependent. There are choices in between which are sometimes hard
for us to see if we are reacting. To go from tolerating verbally abusive
behavior to leaving a relationship in one step is swinging between extremes.
It is helpful to set boundaries that allow for some gradual change.
When I ask you what is wrong and you say "Never mind,"
and then slam cabinet doors and rattle pots and pans and generally seem
to be silently raging about something,
I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are
unwilling to communicate with me, as if I am supposed to read your mind.
I want you to communicate with me and help me to understand
if I have done something that upsets you.
If something is bothering you and you will not tell me what
it is, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.
If you continue that behavior, I will confront your behavior,
share my feelings, and insist that we go to counseling together.
If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering
all of my options, including leaving this relationship.
The consequences we set down for behavior we find unacceptable
should be realistic - in that, the change that we are asking for is something
that is within the others power (rather they are willing to take that responsibility
is another thing altogether) - and enforceable, something that we are
willing to do.
It is also important to set consequences that impact the other person
more than us. Often when people are first learning how to set
boundaries, they do not think it through far enough. They set
boundaries that impact themselves as much or more than the other person.
For example, a single parent with a teenager who needs to get consequences
for coming home late, or bad grades, or whatever, may be tempted to say
something like "If you miss your curfew again, you will be grounded for
a month." The reality of grounding a teenager for a month is that it
often means the parent is also grounded for a month. If taking away
driving privileges means then you will have to drive them to school - maybe
you want to choose some other consequence.
Choices
Setting a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating
clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to
treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other
persons behavior.
Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person (although
some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse
you of that - just as some will interpret it as a threat) - it is a part
of the process of defining ourselves and what is acceptable to us.
It is a major step in taking what control we can of how we allow others
to treat us. It is a vital step in taking responsibility for our self
and our life.
Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation -
although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact
they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting
a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a
boundary we let go of the outcome.
We want the other person to change their behavior. We hope they
will. But we need to own all of our choices in order to empower
ourselves to take responsibility for our lives and stop setting ourselves
up to be a victim. One of our choices is to remove ourselves from
relationship with the person. We can leave a marriage. We
can end a friendship. We can leave a job. We do not have to
have any contact with our family of origin. It is vitally important
to own all of our choices.
If we do not own that we have a choice to leave an abusive relationship
- then we are not making a choice to stay in the relationship.
Any time we do not own our choices, we are empowering victimization.
We will then blame the other person, and/or blame ourselves. It is
a vital part of the process of learning to love ourselves, and taking
responsibility for being a co-creator in our life, to own all of our
choices.
It is essential to own that we have choices in order to escape the codependent
suffering victim martyr role - or the other extreme, which is being
abusive in order to try to make others do it "right" (that is, do what
we want them to.) Both, the people who appear to be victims and
the people that appear to be abusers, are coming from a victim place in
terms of blaming others for their behavior. "I wouldn't have to
hit you if you didn't talk to me that way" is a victim statement.
Both victim and perpetrator are coming from a victim perspective, blaming
their behaviors on others - or on themselves, "I can't help it, that is
just how I am."
When we look outside for self-definition and self-worth,
we are giving power away and setting ourselves up to be victims. We
are trained to be victims. We are taught to give our power away.
As just one small example of how pervasively we
are trained to be victims, consider how often you have said, or heard
someone say, "I have to go to work tomorrow." When we say "I have to"
we are making a victim statement. To say, "I have to get up, and I have
to go to work," is a lie. No one forces an adult to get up and go to work.
The Truth is "I choose to get up and I choose to go to work today, because
I choose to not have the consequences of not working." To say, "I choose,"
is not only the Truth, it is empowering and acknowledges an act of self-Love.
When we "have to" do something we feel like a victim. And because we feel
victimized, we will then be angry, and want to punish, whomever we see
as forcing us to do something we do not want to do such as our family, or
our boss, or society.
"And we always have a choice. If someone
sticks a gun in my face and says, "Your money or your life!" I have
a choice. I may not like my choice but I have one. In life we often don't
like our choices because we don't know what the outcome is going to be
and we are terrified of doing it 'wrong.'
Even with life events that occur in a way that
we seemingly don't have a choice over (being laid off work, the car
breaking down, a flood, etc.) we still have a choice over how we respond
to those events. We can choose to see things that feel like, and seem
to be, tragic as opportunities for growth. We can choose to focus on
the half of the glass that is full and be grateful for it or to focus
on the half that is empty and be the victim of it. We have a choice about
where we focus our minds.
In order to become empowered, to become the co-creator
in our lives, and to stop giving power to the belief that we are the victim,
it is absolutely necessary to own that we have choices. As in the quotation
above: if we believe that we "have" to do something then we are buying into
the belief that we are the victim and don't have the power to make choices.
To say "I have to go to work" is a lie. "I have to go to work if I want to
eat" may be the truth but then you are making a choice to eat. The more conscious
we get about our choices, the more empowered we become.
We need to take the "have to"s out of our vocabulary.
As long as we reacting to life unconsciously we do not have choices.
In consciousness we always have a choice. We do not "have to" do anything.
Until we own that we have a choice, we haven't
made one. In other words, if you do not believe that you have a choice
to leave your job, or relationship, then you have not made a choice to
stay in it. You can only Truly commit yourself to something if you are
consciously choosing to do it. This includes the area that is probably
the single hardest job in our society today, the area that it is almost
impossible not to feel trapped in some of the time - being a single parent.
A single parent has the choice of giving their children up for adoption,
or abandoning them. That is a choice! If a single parent believes
that he/she has no choice, then they will feel trapped and resentful and
will end up taking it out on their children!" - Empowerment and Victimization
- the power of choice
We always have a choice. The choices may seem to be awful
- but in reality, allowing ourselves to buy into the illusion that we
are trapped will have worse consequences in the long run. It may
seem ridiculous to suggest that a parent can abandon or give a child up
for adoption - but owning our choices no matter how outrageous is a step
in owning responsibility for being co-creators in our life. If we
are blaming and being the victim we will never be happy.
(And this is a good example of when sharing the 3rd part of this formula
is not appropriate. It would be abusive to threaten a child with
being put up for adoption. This is a choice that we need to own
to escape feeling trapped in our relationship with ourselves - it is
strictly an internal thing. With children it is vital to not
project our own internal struggle onto the child - it doesn't have anything
to do with the child, it is all about our relationship with self.)
Negotiation
We set a boundary to define our territory, to protect our space
- physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc.
We set the boundary because it is what we need to do for our self, to protect
and take care of our self. We set it knowing that the other person
may not be able or willing to change their behavior - and that we are prepared
to take whatever action we need to take if that proves to be the case.
That action may include cutting that person out of our life completely.
I was scared of setting boundaries because the little boy in me was
afraid of: hurting other people; having other people be angry
at me; being abandoned; losing the relationship. Ultimately,
it came down to: people will go away if I say no or set a boundary with them.
I had to become willing to take that risk. I had to decide that
I had enough worth to stand up for myself even if people did go away.
And some people did go away. Some people do still when I set a boundary.
But I was also amazed to see that some of the people that I set a boundary
with started to treat me with more respect. They were able to
hear me and valued me enough to change their behavior.
By becoming willing to take the risk of setting boundaries, I got the
wonderful gift of getting what I wanted - some of the time.
I had to let go of the outcome and learn to accept the situation however
it unfolded. I had to let go of a lot of people that I had considered
friends. I came to the realization that the people I had been calling
friends, were not really friends at all - because as long as I did not
know how to be a friend to myself, I could not truly recognize friendship
in others. As long as I was unconsciously reacting out of my old
programming, the people I was attracted to were people who would abuse
me, shame me, abandon and betray me.
I came to the realization that anyone who is a friend is someone I can
communicate with - and be able to negotiate boundaries with. The
vast majority of boundaries are in fact a negotiation rather than a rigid
line in the sand. Adults need to negotiate boundaries between themselves.
This is very true in romantic relationships - and is the standard for all
relationships.
What we are striving for is healthy interdependent relationships.
We want friends who are allies. With alliances it is necessary to
negotiate boundaries. Here is what I am willing to do, and here is
what I need from you. We want a romantic relationship with a partner
who will share our journey with us. In order to make that possible
it is necessary to communicate, share feelings, and negotiate agreements
about behavior. By setting boundaries, we are communicating with another
person. We are telling them who we are and what we need. It is
much more effective to do that directly and honestly than to expect them
to read our minds - and then punish them when they cannot.
Often it is little things that seem inconsequential that it is most
important to set boundaries about. Irritating little habits or mannerism
of another person. The irritating little things will grow into huge
monsters unless we learn to communicate and negotiate. When we stuff
our feelings we build up resentments. Resentments are victim feelings
- the feeling that somebody is doing something to us. If we don't speak
up and take the risk of sharing how we feel, we will end up blowing up and/or
being passive aggressive - and damaging the relationship.
Learning to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to communicate
in a direct and honest manner. It is impossible to have a healthy
relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot
communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries
is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is
our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when
it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves
without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators
of our lives.
This is the third article in a series about Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility
that is being written as a follow up to an article about Emotional Abuse. You may also wish
to read Codependence vs Interdependence
to understand the difference between a healthy relationship and a codependent
one.
