"It is through healing our inner
child, our inner children, by grieving the wounds that we suffered, that
we can change our behavior patterns and clear our emotional process.
We can release the grief with its pent-up rage, shame, terror, and pain from
those feeling places which exist within us.
That does not mean that the wounds will
ever be completely healed. There will always be a tender spot, a painful
place within us due to the experiences that we have had. What it does
mean is that we can take the power away from those wounds. By
bringing them out of the darkness into the Light, by releasing the energy,
we can heal them enough so that they do not have the power to dictate how
we live our lives today. We can heal them enough to change the quality
of our lives dramatically. We can heal them enough to Truly be happy,
Joyous and free in the moment most of the time."
"One of the false beliefs that it is important to
let go of, is the belief that we need another person in our lives to make
us whole. As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make
us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims. A white knight
is not going to come charging up to rescue us from the dragon. A princess
is not going to kiss us and turn us from a frog into a prince. The
Prince and the Princess and the Dragon are all within us. It is not
about someone outside of us rescuing us. It is also not about some
dragon outside of us blocking our path. As long as we are looking
outside to become whole we are setting ourselves up to be victims.
As long as we are looking outside for the villain we are buying into the
belief that we are the victim."
Codependence: The Dance
of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
A healthy romantic relationship is about two whole, independent people
choosing to become partners in the life journey for as long as that works
for both of them. This is, of course, a theoretical concept.
Because of the cultural dysfunction and emotional trauma all of us have
experienced due to the human condition, we are never, in this lifetime, going
to be a completely whole healthy person with no emotional wounds - and we
are never going to meet someone else that has no emotional wounds.
The goal is to be in the process of healing and to choose a partner
who is also in the process of healing. Then we have the opportunity
to achieve some True emotional intimacy and to have some companionship on
our journey. The person who can support us in our journey is also
going to be the teacher we need to push our buttons so that we can bring
to Light the emotional wounds that need to be healed and the subconscious
programming that needs to be changed.
If we expect a romantic relationship to "fix" us so that we can
live happily-ever-after then we are setting ourselves up to be victims.
If we define a successful relationship as one that lasts forever and meets
all of our needs, then we will end up blaming ourselves or the other person
when that insane expectation is not met. (That a relationship could last
for the rest of our lives is not an insane expectation but if we believe that
longevity is the only way a relationship can be successful we are setting
ourselves up to sabotage the relationship and not appreciate the gifts we
are receiving in the now.)
It is vitally important to make healing and Spiritual growth our
number one priority so that we can look to the other person for help and
support - not expect them to rescue us and give us self worth. Healing
is an inside job. My issues are my responsibility to work through,
it is not the other persons job to compromise her self to accommodate my
fears and insecurities. If I am choosing wisely when I enter into a
relationship then I will choose someone who will be compassionate, patient,
and supportive of me while I work through my issues.
And no matter how wisely I choose, or how much healing and recovery
the other person has had, she will still be a human being with her own issues
to work through so she will not always be able to be patient, compassionate,
and supportive. For one person to expect another to always be there
for them, to always have the space and time to be available to us, is another
We do want to choose someone who is willing to work through issues.
When another person is willing to do the work with us, a relationship can
be an incredibly nurturing, magical space to explore what True Love means
- some of the time. It can not be that all of the time.
There might be periods of time - days, weeks, even months - where things
are going beautifully and it feels like we may have reached "happily ever
after". But then things will change and get different. That is
how the life process works - it will not be someone's fault. It will
be a new opportunity for growth for both people.
Two people who are working through their issues and are willing
to do the grief work, can turn an argument about some stupid, mundane life
event into some mutual deep grieving. That is True emotional intimacy.
When we are willing to own our power to be the neutral observer
who can see our responsibility in whatever is happening without shame and
judgment, and can also have the courage and willingness to hold the other
person responsible for their behavior without shame and judgment - then
the magic can really happen.
Two people who have negotiated some guidelines to help them in
times when they are vulnerable and reactive - can transform an argument
about some symptom into an opportunity to heal some core wounding.
The way that can look is:
an argument/disagreement starts about some behavior that
is upsetting (someone is late, or forgets something that is important to
the other, or says something in an insensitive way, etc.);
Two people who have created the space to do this can then get down to
the cause underneath the reaction, which might be something like:
one person is reacting out of the child inside who never felt important,
respected, or heard - while the other person is reacting out of the inner
child who was always being criticized and given the message that there was
something wrong with them. At that point, they are dealing with the
core cause of the reaction not the symptomatic behavior. They can achieve
a place of True emotional honesty and intimacy where they can get in touch
with their individual wounds and grieve together. That is the kind
of emotional intimacy which can form a very deep bond and be Joyously healing
for both people.
at some point one of the individuals says "Time out. I
think I might be reacting to some old stuff.";
The other person backs off the argument enough to say "How old
are you feeling?"; etc.
To be willing to be conscious and emotionally honest with ourselves
is a courageous act of faith that will allow us to progressively increase
the number of moments in each day that we have the ability and freedom to
be happy and Joyous in the now. To find another being who is willing
to join us in this adventure, and to explore True emotional intimacy with
us, is a priceless gift to be cherished and treasured.