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"Mind reading, fortune telling, assuming - we think we can read other peoples minds and feelings, or foretell the future, and then act as if what we assume is the reality.  We often create self-fulfilling prophecies this way."

"There is an additional way in which women are wounded by their fathers that I have never heard, or read, anyone talk about.  It is a devastating blow that many daughters suffer on a subconscious level."

"'Poor' Adam, who was just being a man (that is, he just wants to get in Eve's pants) does what Eve wants him to and eats the apple.  So Eve gets the blame for Adam not having boundaries. Now is that stupid or what?  And you wondered where Codependence started."

"Like most great insights, it was amazingly simple and obvious.  It was to me earth shattering/paradigm busting in it's impact.  The insight was:  If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you.  What a concept!  Obvious, logical, rational, elementary - like 'duh' of course it should."

"Far too often - because of the concept of toxic / addictive love we are taught in this society - it is the idea of the other person that we fall in love with, not the actual person.  It is so important to us to cast someone in the role of Prince or Princess that we focus on who we want them to be - not on who they really are."

"In an emotionally honest society Dan Rather would have been crying and sobbing on his own program - serving as a role model for others - instead of keeping up appearances and stuffing his grief until some of it leaked out on the David Letterman Show."

Welcome to a page of Joy2MeU The Web Site of Spiritual Teacher, codependence counselor, grief therapist, author, Robert Burney and Joy to You & Me Enterprises Go to Home Page       Site index page Robert is the author of the Joyously inspirational book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls For ordering info click here

Miscellaneous Topics / Former Online Columns I wrote a monthly column/article - first for a local paper, then for a Recovery paper in Texas, later for the internet - for about 10 years (since 1996.)  Many of the pages of my web site contain the actual columns, some pages grew out of columns. Since this miscellaneous topics page is made up mostly of columns and articles, I decided to share a little insight into my style of writing.  (I don't know why I call some of the pieces columns and some articles, except I tend to think of the ones I wrote for the local paper as columns, and the ones for the paper in Texas as articles - no real difference, just a little quirk of mine.  A "web article" is one that was written for the web and includes links to other pages - as do some "online columns.";-)) The following is an excerpt from the first Newsletter I wrote for my original Joy to You & Me web site.  It was the first of a series of newsletters that I wrote as the web site evolved.  In announcing the new web pages I had added to the site, I mention that one was extremely personal.  That led me to talk a little about my philosophy of recovery, of therapy, and of life in the following excerpt. "I had to chuckle a little as I wrote above that this article was personal since all of my work is personal.  I really believe in sharing my experience, strength, and hope.  I had to quit writing for a paper I used to write monthly columns for because the publisher/editor kept trying to change my copy - she would want to change 'I' to 'they' and things like that - because she said that I was supposed to sound strong and powerful and not be vulnerable.  I told her that part of the dysfunction in our codependent society was trying to "keep up appearances" and be emotionally dishonest - but she obviously didn't get it. Another incident also comes to mind.  I had just started in a therapist position at an outpatient chemical dependence program in Van Nuys California in 1987.  One evening in a Family Group I was talking about how grateful I was to be in recovery and I teared up - I didn't cry, just teared up.  The next week the Clinical Director came marching into our office and needed to talk to me about something he was quite disturbed about.  He proceeded to lecture me about getting emotional in front of the clients - this psychiatrist who was on anti-depressants because he was suicidal over a relationship breakup - warned me to never let it happen again.  I was not far enough along in my recovery at that point to confront him but I do remember thinking to myself - "Then who is supposed to be the role models?" The thing that was the most damaging to us was the role modeling of the emotionally crippled adults we grew up around - the role modeling is what taught us the dysfunctional definitions of who we are as emotional beings.  It is vitally important, in my opinion, that we have some beings who are willing to role model what emotionally healthy behavior is - which includes being emotionally vulnerable at times. Traditional therapy/counseling in this society is set up as a one up - one down situation - that is the therapist is set up as the expert who treats the poor unfortunate patient.  I happen to agree with something Ram Dass once said about this - "If you meet a therapist who thinks you are the patient - run!" There were two interrelated things that I had to get clear about when I started working as a therapist:  One is that I am powerless over other people - over the pace of their progress, over whether they hear what I am saying to them, over where their path leads.  I watched a good friend die of Alcoholism (which is in a column in the Alcoholism section) and saw how clearly he helped other alcoholics stay sober because he couldn't - he did more to keep more people sober than many of the sober people I know.  I can't know what someone else's' path is - therefore I can't tell them what is right and wrong.  What I do is help them see themselves clearer (especially as to understanding how their childhood experiences have dictated their lives), see their choices and the possible consequences clearer, and know that we are Spiritual Beings going to boarding school not taking a test we can fail.  Which brings me to the second thing, which I believe is a Spiritual Truth - I teach best what I need most to learn.  I teach people how to Love themselves because I am trying to learn how to Love myself.  I learned to always listen to what I was saying because, though I have no control whether anyone else hears me, I do have the power to choose to hear myself - and there is always something in what I am saying that applies to me and my process in that moment.   I had someone in a workshop say to me one time "Boy, you really know this stuff!  You have really studied this, you are kind of like an Olympic athlete or something in this area."  My immediate reaction - as it so often is - was to react out of my disease: "That's because I was so sick."  But then I caught myself and changed it to wounded. All of the old souls who are doing this healing - in my belief - were born at a heart chakra level of consciousness and then had to shut down our hearts.  That is why it hurts so much - we were expecting something kinder and gentler than what we were born into. I have always felt like I was in the wrong place - like someone screwed up in the Transporter room and beamed me to the wrong planet.  I am in process just as my clients are - just as we all are.  There is no hierarchy as far as I am concerned - just one wounded person/Magnificent Spiritual Being sharing what has worked for me with another wounded person/Magnificent Spiritual Being. I am doing what I need to do for myself, to heal myself - it doesn't have to do with anyone else - that it helps other people is just a bonus (and an opportunity to settle Karma)." - Joy to You & Me Newsletter I - July 1 1998 Announcing:  Joy to You & Me Enterprises is offering a series of Intensive Training Days with Spiritual Teacher, inner child healing pioneer Robert Burney.  Learn his innovative Spiritual Integration Formula for Inner Healing.  For the locations and dates of upcoming appearances go to Day of Intensive Training.

Empowerment  -  A column about how owning the power of choice can help move us out of the victim perspective.  "As just one small example of how pervasively we are trained to be victims, consider how often you have said, or heard someone say, "I have to go to work tomorrow." When we say "I have to" we are making a victim statement."

Self Worth  -  Two excerpts from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls about True self-worth.  "The goal of this dance of Recovery is integration and balance.  That means celebrating being a tree while also glorying in being a part of the forest."

Emotional Incest  -  Emotional incest is rampant in our emotionally dishonest society and can be devastating to a persons ability to have healthy romantic relationships - a column. "Emotional incest from either parent is devastating to the child's ability to be able to set boundaries and take care of getting their own needs met when they become an adult."

Emotional Defenses  -  A column entitled The Journey to the Emotional Frontier Within about some common emotional defense mechanisms.  "Emotions are energy.  Actual physical energy that is manifested in our bodies.  Emotions are not thoughts - they do not exist in our mind."

Emotional Defenses 2  -  Further Journeys to the Emotional Frontier Within, a column about the emotional defense mechanism of story telling. "Perhaps the most common story telling diversion is to get very involved in the details of the story 'she said. . . . . then I said. . . . then she did. . .'"

Stinking Thinking  -  A column about the "stinking thinking" of Codependency + 2 hand outs that I have always found insightful - The Rules for being Human and Risking. "Mind reading, fortune telling, assuming - we think we can read other peoples minds and feelings, or foretell the future, and then act as if what we assume is the reality.  We often create self-fulfilling prophecies this way."

Emotional Release Techniques  -  A column about emotional energy release techniques, basically a short version of what is written about deep grieving in the inner child healing section.  "It is vitally important for us to own our right to be angry about what happened to us or about the ways we were deprived. If we do not own our right to be angry about what happened in childhood it greatly impairs our ability to set boundaries as an adult."

Roles In Dysfunctional Families  -  A column about the four basic Roles In Dysfunctional Families. "This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family.  They become the families 'social director' and/or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger."

Holidays, Anniversaries, and Birthdays  -  An article entitled Happy Holidays, Sad Holidays about why holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays can be so tough emotionally for most people. "If I am feeling hurt or scared or angry I will only share that with someone who is a safe person to share with emotionally - that is, they won't discount and invalidate my feelings or try to fix me."

Wounded Parents  -  A column about how Fathers wound their daughters who become mothers that wound their sons who become fathers. . . .  "There is an additional way in which women are wounded by their fathers that I have never heard, or read, anyone talk about.  It is a devastating blow that many daughters suffer on a subconscious level."

Mothers  -  A column about how a society that degrades and devalues women cannot possibly produce healthy mothers.  "'Poor' Adam, who was just being a man (that is, he just wants to get in Eve's pants) does what Eve wants him to and eats the apple.  So Eve gets the blame for Adam not having boundaries. Now is that stupid or what?  And you wondered where Codependence started."

Fathers  -  One of those real personal columns, written for Father's Day about my father. "In that first memory of my father, when I was just a little boy, what I feel is absolute terror.  As I sit here writing this, tears come to my eyes because it is very sad that little boy was so terrified of his father."

Buddha, Buddhism, and Japanese cultural dysfunction  -   Taken from one of the Question and Answer page of my original Joy to You & Me web site. "The thing that I see missing in the ways that Buddha's teachings have been passed on, is feeling the feelings.  Actually owning, experiencing, and releasing the emotional energy, is to me a vital part of the healing process."

Buddhism II and Communicating Clearly  -   Response to  e-mail of someone whose emotional triggers prevented her from understanding Buddhism article - thus proving the point that was being made. "You interpreted my remarks about Buddha as being an attack and went on the defensive.   When we are reacting to emotional wounds, when we are not observing that we have been emotionally triggered, then we cannot see or hear clearly."

Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 1 - An article that was originally published on my Suite 101 page (Suite101 Articles page) - one of a series of articles how the Spiritual principles of twelve step recovery can be applied to facilitate learning to have healthier relationships.  "Obsessive thinking is an emotional defense that, like all of the various manifestations of codependency, is dysfunctional.  Being in our heads - thinking, fantasizing, ruminating - is a defense we adapted in childhood to help us disassociate from the emotional pain we were experiencing."

Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 2 - The second article focused on obsessive thinking.  These articles were added to Joy2MeU on August 25, 2003  "I cannot force myself to stop obsessing.  Shaming myself, "should"ing on myself, threatening myself, will not stop me from obsessing.  It is not possible to stop obsessing by obsessing about the obsession."

Here are two pages that include questions and answers from the days that I was writing a monthly column for Suite101:

Suite101 Discussion Q & A

Q & A + Random thoughts on Parenting

On September 22, 2001 I started publishing an online book about the terrorist attack of 9/11.

Attack on America - A  Spiritual Healing Perspective & Call for Higher Consciousness  -  An online book sharing a Spiritual perspective on the terrorist attack of Sept. 11th - and discussing the event and it's aftermath as a manifestation of codependence, and an opportunity for healing.  "In an emotionally honest society Dan Rather would have been crying and sobbing on his own program - serving as a role model for others - instead of keeping up appearances and stuffing his grief until some of it leaked out on the David Letterman Show."

Chapters 2 through 11 of Attack on America - A Spiritual Healing Perspective are now only available in the pay to view Dancing in Light component of Joy2MeU.com - or in the Joy2MeU Journal.  I explained that this was likely to happen - and why I would be moving it to the Joy2MeU Journal - in my January 2002 Update Newsletter 2.  In September 2005 I created the Dancing in Light section of the site and also added this online book to that subscription area.

Attack on America - A Call for Higher Consciousness  Chapter 2 -  Focuses on Polarity as the cause of the human condition, and points out the toxic concept of God that is at the foundation of Islamic, Judaic, and Christian civilization.  "The twisted, distorted beliefs of the Old Testament - with it's angry, judgmental, vengeful male vision of God - are at the foundation of the beliefs, the intellectual paradigm, that humans in Western Civilization have used to define reality."

Attack on America - A Call for Higher Consciousness Chapter 3 -  Addresses the responsibility that the United States of America has in setting this dynamic in motion and the need of America to take an honest inventory.  "The United States of America has a long history of supporting right-wing Fascist dictatorships that slaughter, impoverish, and starve their own citizens.  Muslims did not just arbitrarily decide to designate the US as the enemy.

Attack on America - A Call for Higher Consciousness  Chapter 4 -  Deals with the masculine - feminine imbalance caused by planetary conditions that led to abusive patriarchal societies. "Patriarchal societies evolved to subjugate, demean, and suppress women because of male insecurity and fear."

Attack on America - A Call for Higher Consciousness  Chapter 5 -  Calls on New Age gurus such as Marianne Williamson, Neale Donald Walsch and James Redfield to please expand their consciousness and stop putting out polarized, shaming messages.  "A great majority of New Age teachers and writers are still empowering polarity and shame about human emotions by communicating this kind of message. . . . PLEASE STOP IT!"

Attack on America - A Call for Higher Consciousness  Chapter 6 - How to apply 12 step recovery principles in life to achieve balance through emotional honesty and responsibility, and how the present world situation is a reflection of the dynamics of codependency revealed in Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls. "I used to get very upset in AA meetings when I would hear some emotionally dishonest old timer pontificate about how fear was the absence of faith. If we did not feel fear we would not need faith!"

Attack on America - A Call for Higher Consciousness  Chapter 7 - This is the Age of Atonement but it is not about judgment and punishment - it is about tuning into Higher Consciousness.  "If god really is judgmental and punishing, I will find out soon enough - that doesn't mean I have to let it mess up my life today."

Attack on America - A Call for Higher Consciousness  Chapter 8 -  Includes inner child healing article on Grieving and talks about the importance of emotional healing from a Metaphysical perspective.  "Osama bin Laden turned down his families offer of 20 billion dollars to return home and give up this silly religious stuff.  George W. Bush accepted his families offer to return to the fold."

Attack on America - A Call for Higher Consciousness  Chapter 9 -  Focuses on grief energy on etheric plane and metaphysical levels of the process including levels of consciousness in relationship to chakras.  "The rituals of blood sacrifice in the United States include crack pipes and gang initiation.  A Palestinian who becomes a terrorist and a kid in South Central LA who joins a gang are reacting to the same basic emotional wounds."

Attack on America - A Call for Higher Consciousness  Chapter 10 -  Includes article on Co-Creation and on recovery as a process of finding balance.  "In many cases, people are overweight as a means of defending themselves because of a history of heartbreak and/or sexual abuse.  Often it is our fear of intimacy that is at the core of weight problems."

Attack on America - A Call for Higher Consciousness  Chapter 11 -  Summarizes book, looks at blood sacrifice from different levels and shares how the New Age is the Second Coming of the message of Love.  "I am a messiah . . . and you are messiahs also. . .  All of the old souls who are doing this healing are in the process of clearing their inner channels in order to access the messiah energy, the Christ Consciousness energy, within."

Attack on America Contents Page -  A chapter summary of the book Attack on America - A Spiritual Healing Perspective which is being published online as it is written by Robert Burney, in the hope that it will help people to respond personally to the terrorist attack of September 11, 2001 in way that maximizes healing and aligns with Spiritual Truth, and to communicate his belief that the Destruction of the World Trade Center and the terrorist Attack presents us collectively with a heroic opportunity for healing and Spiritual Awakening in the New Age that has dawned in human consciousness.

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