So the next question then is: am
I feeling the tension and the turmoil because of what is happening now -
or because of fears caused by my wounds from the past. By being in
the Loving observer self we can figure out how much of our reaction is to
old wounds and how much of it is to what is happening right now. If
we figure out that we are reacting to the now out of our fear of the unknown
then we know that we can walk through that fear. If we are feeling terror,
panic, desperate neediness, deep insecurity - then we know we are reacting
out of wounded child places within. The more that we can observe our
inner process from a Loving, wise place, the more we can feel clear and peaceful
about the fear of the unknown even as we feel it. It is possible to
feel peaceful and scared at the same time - or grateful and sad, or calm and
angry. The more we raise our level of consciousness the easier it is
to discern between the types of feelings we are having so that we have a
place of feeling centered and serene in the midst of an emotional interaction
with another person. We can learn to honor and respect and release our
feelings but we do not have to identify them as our only reality. We
can feel the higher vibrational emotions at the same time we are feeling the
lower - and can learn to discern between them.
In the beginning of our healing it is easiest
for most of us to access serenity and clarity by ourselves in relationship
to nature or animals or people we do not really care about. It is hardest
to have serenity and clarity in our most intimate relationships - because
that is where we have the most at stake, where we are most vulnerable to getting
hurt. That is why romantic relationships are such a wonderful arena
for growth for us, because it is the relationship that is the most important
to most of us.
As we do our emotional healing and change our
intellectual paradigm, we increasingly have a calm place within that we can
call on even in our most stressful moments - even in romantic relationship.
*******
Excerpt from a messages sent to my e-mail community
June 1999.
Here is a quote from my Trilogy which I am publishing
in installments in my Journal. My Trilogy is a Mystical, Magical,
Adult Fable in which my Higher Self appears to me as a Unicorn
This is an excerpt from Chapter 6 of the Trilogy in which we are discussing
the growth process.
"Okay, my beautiful unicorn, I will tell you what
you want to hear," I said, rather grandly. "The meadow is circular
in shape, just like the Medicine Wheel. And the Medicine Wheel religion
contains as much Truth within it as any religion on Earth. Within
the Medicine Wheel teachings, there is great significance in the four directions.
The North, to which you galloped first, is the place of wisdom. It
is the place you represent, the Higher Mind which contains all wisdom.
From there you traveled to the East, which is the place of illumination.
The direction of the rising sun which brings light to chase away the darkness,
and is symbolic of the Light of Truth. It is the 'sees far and wide'
place of the eagle. In other words, you lead me towards the Light
by expanding my perspective so that I see things in progressively larger
contexts. In this way, you teach me to see the Truth of how perfectly
the pieces of the puzzle of life fit together when viewed from a large enough
perspective.
"From the East, you traveled to the South," I
continued. "The South is the place of innocence and trust. One
of the colors of the South is green, and that is one of the colors of healing
energy. It is also the place of the child within. It was through
surrendering to your guidance and trusting that my inner self was innocent,
and not some horrible shameful monster, that I was able to access the healing
green energy. It was in the South that my emotional healing began,
because I was able to start accepting that God really is Loving - despite
all of the evidence to the contrary. Once I started remembering enough
to trust that God is LOVE, and that everything is unfolding perfectly, then
I could access enough courage to open the 'Pandora's Box' of repressed emotional
energy that was caused by the trauma of my childhood.
"From the South, you traveled to the West - the
place of introspection. It is in this 'looks within' place that everything
starts to make sense. For it is within that Truth exists. Only
by looking within can Truth be found, and that Truth leads to God.
For everything that we see around us is only a reflection of that which exists
within. And if we cannot find God, and Love, within - we can never find
it without. The Medicine Wheel is a mirror, and only by visiting all four
directions can we become whole. The goal of the healing process
is balance, and by visiting all four directions we can find the balance that
allows the integration of the Spiritual and the physical."
"I would say that you are awakening very nicely,"
she communicated with what seemed to be a rather self-satisfied look on
her face.
"Thank you," I replied, feeling rather proud of
myself. "It is your guidance in leading me to the four directions
that has brought me some wisdom - which is where your little gallop ended."
"Au contraire, mon amie," telepathed my Higher
Self, "I didn't stay in the North, did I?"
"Well no," I said, somewhat confused. "You
came back here to the center of the meadow."
"And in returning to the center, which way did
I travel?" she asked, with that sly grin.
"You came South," I answered, still not understanding.
"So, from wisdom, I headed back to the South?"
"Yes," I replied. And then I had a sinking
feeling in my stomach. If her heading back to the South was so significant,
then it could only mean on thing - it was time to trust again. And
if it was time to trust again, that meant emotions. I have learned
that my growth process is a continuous series of upwardly spiraling circles
through ever expanding levels of awareness. In relation to the Medicine
Wheel, this means that I need to visit all four directions within each level,
or in regard to each issue, in order to achieve the balance that is wisdom
about that particular level, in relationship to that particular issue.
And once I have gained enough wisdom and balance about a level then it is
time to head South again, to trust and feel. To peel another layer
of the onion.
My understanding of this process is that each
time I move upward from one level to the next, it requires a lot of trust/faith
because that particular phase of the growth process feels terrible.
This is because each time I move to a larger level of awareness, I have
to surrender some of my ego definitions of who I am and how I relate to everything
around me. It is the most confusing and terrifying part of the process
because I have to let go of the old definitions before I know what it going
to replace them. This is the process of 'the death of the ego'.
This metamorphosis - death is a process of transformation not an event - occurs
as I shed progressive layers of ignorance to bring my ego-self into alignment
with Spiritual-Self. This journey to wholeness and Oneness within is
how the process of healing brings me to consciousness of the ONENESS of ALL
THAT IS.
However, just as my Higher Self had stated only
moments before, it does not matter how much intellectual knowledge I have
of the path - I still experience the primal fear of the unknown when it
comes time to proceed down that path. And my ego fights the process
because every time it has to give up some of it's definitions, that is, it's
illusions of control, it feels like it is dying. My ego reacts with
fear to the out-of-control feeling, not only of the process of redefining
which is growth and to it's terror of the uncontrollable unknown in general,
but also to the grief energy which it is necessary to release with each successive
layer of the 'onion'.
This process translates in my experience in this
way: just when I have reached a comfortable understanding of the level
I am at, and start to think that I have it all together (that I have finally
reached happily-ever-after) - then it is time to move up to a new level.
And as I come out of the top of one level into the bottom of the next level,
it feels like I am at the bottom of the whole thing once more. It feels
like I am in a deep dark hole huddled in a fetal position in despair and pain,
and that I have made no progress. I feel very confused, because of
surrendering some of my ego-definitions, and it feels like my emotional reality
has never been anything but pain-full.
So naturally, my human impulse is to resist the
process of surrendering to the grief and the growth. And even though
my experience of the process had taught me that when I get to the other
side of the grief and the confusion it will feel wonderful, in my humanness
I still resist, progressively less then I used to, but resistance nevertheless.
And each time it becomes time to surrender once more, I get angry at the
process.
The Dance of Wounded Souls Trilogy,
Book 1 "In The Beginning . . . "
I wanted to share this with you as part of explaining
where I have been at in my process. I am at a place of emerging at a
higher level - of coming out of the tunnel, breaking out of the cocoon.
And this week I have been dealing with my anger that this process never ends.
I feel like I have worked long enough and hard enough and I deserve a break.
It is natural and human to feel like that - it is also the ego resisting letting
go again. And, as I said above, even though I know that I am about
to break out into a higher level where the world is Lighter and brighter and
more Joy-filled than ever before - I still get angry that the process takes
so long (from my perspective) and is sometimes so painful and lonely.
What is important is to not judge and shame myself,
to be nurturing and Loving to my inner children, and to keep intervening
in my own internal process to tell myself the Truth - that this too shall
pass into something different, that every time I go through the tunnel it
is very much worth it (once I get out the other side), that I am Loved even
though it hasn't felt like it very much of the time lately, etc.
It is also very important to give myself permission
to have my feelings - the anger and the pain. They are a perfect part
of my growth process. I tell myself the Truth, use positive affirmations
and such, as a way of balancing my relationship with the feelings - not as
a way of denying them.
The reality that I have been experiencing while
going through the tunnel is not punishment or because I have done something
wrong - it just feels that way. What I am going through is not just
about me - there are changes occurring on a Planetary level that are affecting
everyone. We have just been through a compressed, dense period that
is going to explode into a very accelerated period. It is a heck of
a ride, a glorious time to be alive for this adventure of healing the planet
- even thought it feels pretty crappy sometimes. (so much fertilizer!)
I wanted to share what I have been going through
in hopes that it might help you be more patient and Loving with your self
in your process. Everything is unfolding perfectly. That it
is very painful and terrifying and lonely sometimes is not because we are
doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with us - it is just
the way this human adventure works. Feels like a pretty stupid game
sometimes - and at others it feels like a Magnificent, Amazing Adventure.
Be kind to your self and your inner children by not buying into the judgment
and shame as much as you possibly can.
So, that is what I wanted to share with you.
Love starts at home by being Loving to our selves internally. That
is what leads us home to the Loving Source.
*******
Excerpt from Wounded
Souls Dancing in The Light
The key, in terms of the concept of internal boundaries
as I use it and apply it, is to set those boundaries from a loving place
instead of from a shaming and judgmental place. We all learned to try
to control our behavior and feelings with shame, guilt, and fear because
those were the tools our parents and society used on us. That is where
the critical parent voice is born. It is an attempt to have internal
boundaries through shame, criticism, and fear of consequences.
To set internal boundaries from shame and fear
is dysfunctional in the long term. When we try to control our behavior
out of shame and fear it doesn't work because we end up rebelling against
that attempted control. We rebel by acting out in the self abusive
ways that we are shaming ourselves for in the first place. Thus the
codependent cycle of shame, blame, and self abuse, the squirrel cage that
most of us have spent our lives running around and around in, is fed by the
very shame and fear messages that we are using to try to stop it.
"If I am feeling like a "failure" and giving power
to the "critical parent" voice within that is telling me that I am a failure
- then I can get stuck in a very painful place where I am shaming myself
for being me. In this dynamic I am being the victim of myself and also being
my own perpetrator - and the next step is to rescue myself by using one of
the old tools to go unconscious (food, alcohol, sex, etc.) Thus the disease
has me running around in a squirrel cage of suffering and shame, a dance of
pain, blame, and self-abuse." - Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls
The reason we rebel is because when we are shaming
and abusing ourselves we are betraying ourselves - and on some deep level
we know that is not right. The rebel in us fights against this self
abuse - but at the same time because we are reacting out of a false, dysfunctional,
black and white belief system, the rebel also becomes allied with the very
addictions and dysfunctional behavior we are trying to stop with the shame.
On the highest level the rebel within is trying to get us to be True to
our True self - but because of the black & white, dysfunctional and false
attitudes, beliefs, and definitions we are reacting out of, it identifies
our True self as being the part of us that feels the need for the addictive
substance or relationship or whatever.
Thus, does the dysfunction feeds more dysfunction.
"Any time we judge and shame ourselves, we are
feeding back into the disease, we are jumping back into the squirrel cage.
This is a brilliantly insidious disease!
The war within cannot be won by fighting the disease,
by fighting ourselves. The only way to break out is to start giving
ourselves a break, to start being kind to, and having compassion for, ourselves
and our inner children."
Love is the answer
The only way to effectively stop the self destructive,
reactive codependent cycle is by loving ourselves - by treating ourselves
in ways that are more loving. The only Truly effective way I have
found to effectively do this is to integrate into all levels of our internal
process a Spiritual belief system which supports the idea that we are Unconditionally
Loved. And the key to integrating Spiritual Truth into the internal
emotional process and to finding balance emotionally and mentally is to
have Loving internal boundaries.
*******
Tune into your feelings. Recognize that if you have an
intense emotional reaction, there is a lot of energy attached, that your
old wounds have been triggered. Then you can process the old stuff
and separate it from the now. Learn to have a healthy, emotionally
honest relationship with your self - and you will start to trust yourself
more. Choose to have a Spiritual belief system that includes a Higher
Power who is so powerful that everything is unfolding perfectly.
Do the work. Become willing to do whatever it takes to learn how
to Love yourself so that you have the capacity to Love someone else in a
healthy way.
Let go of judgment and shame. Let go of trying to control life
and other people. Let go of thinking you have to do it perfectly.
Let go of thinking in terms of right and wrong.
Learn to have compassion and patience with yourself. Know that
you are being guided and that you do not have the power to screw up the
Great Spirit's plan.
Then just do it. Live. Suit up and show up for life today.
Be in the moment as much as you can. You will not always be able to
be clear. Trust your Spirit to guide you.
When people ask me how to discern the really gray areas - like: Is this
setting boundaries or being controlling? Is this caring or codependent?
Is this a geographic or am I following Divine guidance? - what I tell them
is to use the short version of the Serenity Prayer.
First I will give you my adapted version of the
Serenity Prayer:
God, Goddess, Great Spirit,
Thank you for helping me to access:
The Serenity and Faith to accept the things I
cannot change (other people and life),
The Courage and Willingness to change the things
I can (me and my attitudes towards other people and life),
And the Wisdom and Clarity to know the difference.
Now for the short version (slightly cleaned up from
how I usually express it.)
Screw it.
Screw it. Do what it feels like you need to do. Plunge ahead
- or pull back, whatever your heart and gut tells you is the most important
thing to do. It will be an opportunity for growth no matter what you
decide. It will not be a mistake - it will be a lesson.
The more you heal, the less power the painful lessons will have (because
you are taking the shame out of the process), and the more Joy you can tune
into. The more you can let go and just live in the moment in a responsible
adult way - the more your spontaneous, Loving, playful inner self can come
out and play (because the more you trust your Higher Power and the process,
the more your inner children can trust you to protect them.)
The more you align your intellectual paradigm with Spiritual Truth and
heal your emotional wounds, the more freedom you have to be in the moment
no matter what you are feeling. The more that you can have the faith
and courage to walk through the fear, the more you will take the power away
from the fear and start being Truly free to Live. The more you open
up to receive Love and Joy, the more opportunities you will have to tune into
Joy in the moment - and the more moments you will be able to stay in the
Love.
Then you can, in the moment some of the time, learn to Love as if
you have never been hurt.
