A Boundary between Being and Behavior
"It is important to start setting a boundary between
being and behavior. All humans have equal Divine value as beings -
no matter what our behavior."
"We do not need fixing. We are not broken.
Our sense of self, our self perception, was shattered and fractured and
broken into pieces, not our True Self.
We think and feel like we are broken because we
were programmed backwards.
We are not broken. That is what toxic shame
is - thinking that we are broken, believing that we are somehow inherently
defective.
Guilt is "I made a mistake, I did something wrong."
Shame is "I'm a mistake, something is wrong with
me."
Again, the feelings of that little child inside
who believes that he/she deserves to be punished."
The purpose of the inner child healing process, the codependency recovery
process, is to learn how to change our relationships into healthier, more
fulfilling, and happier experiences. The goal is to learn how
to stop empowering the past so that we can relax and enJoy life today.
The goal is to learn to be Loving and kind to our self so that we can manifest
Love into the world.
In order to do these things it is vital to start eliminating the toxic
shame that has been dictating the human experience. As we learn to
eliminate that shame from our internal process, we can stop projecting it
onto other wounded souls.
As we learn to own our inherent worth as beings by eliminating the shame
from our internal process, then we can start seeing the inherent Divine
worth in the being of others - even as we do whatever is necessary to protect
ourselves from their wounded dysfunctional behavior if that is necessary.
Allowing someone to abuse us in the name of love is the opposite of Love
- is a denial of Self. Judging and shaming ourselves for behavior that
we adapted to cope with our emotional wounds is definitely not Loving.
By learning how to have internal boundaries we can change the quality
of our relationships. Our relationship with self/Self. Our relationship
with life. Our relationship with people, places, and things.
Becoming more conscious, so that we can learn to have internal boundaries
is not a linear process. It involves multiple levels, multiple perspectives.
It involves seeing, and taking action, on multiple levels, in a number of
different spheres of our dynamic internal process - sometimes focused on a
single area, ultimately (at least some of the time) with awareness of multiple
levels simultaneously.
"In order to Love ourselves we need to have boundaries
within as well as external boundaries. Codependence is a disease of
self-victimization - "I'll show you, I'll get me!" We need to stop feeding
the dragon within by giving power to the part of us that shames and judges
us. We need to stop listening to the disease voices which tell us that
we "should" be able to control things over which we have no control.
. . . . . I had to become willing and open and
honest enough to start becoming conscious of the dysfunctional attitudes,
the dysfunctional perspectives. I had to become willing to learn discernment
in order to make choices about the changes I needed to make in my perspectives
- especially my perspective on my own emotional process.
Once I started to feel the feelings, to do the
grief work, then I could begin to trust myself to be discerning about which
of my emotions were telling me the Truth. Only then was I able to
substantially change my relationship with my God, with myself, and with life.
I learned that I was able to feel and release
the feelings without having them destroy me. I learned that I could
change my mental attitudes, I could change the way I think, so that my mind
was no longer my worst enemy. I learned that by owning and honoring
my inner children and their emotional wounds I was able to take the power
away from those wounds by releasing the stored energy, so that I had choices
over how I would respond instead of blindly reacting. I learned that
I could trust myself to have the wisdom to recognize Truth so that I could
accept the things that I could not change and change the things I had some
control over.
When I became willing to surrender the old attitudes
and beliefs, to surrender to feeling the feelings, to surrender trying to
control things over which I had no control, then I accessed the power to change
myself and my relationships. I became empowered to change my life into
an experience that was defined by Joy, Love, and Peace instead of fear, anger,
and pain.
It was vitally important for me to learn how to
have internal boundaries so that I could lovingly parent (which, of course,
includes setting boundaries for) my inner children, tell the critical parent/disease
voice to shut up, and start accessing the emotional energy of Truth, Beauty,
Joy, Light, and Love. It was by learning internal boundaries that
I could begin to achieve some integration and balance in my life, and transform
my experience of life into an adventure that is enjoyable and exciting most
of the time."
Levels of the Inner Child Healing Process
I am going to conclude this article and series (except for another page
with quotes) with a mention of the major areas/levels that need to be addressed.
This is not a linear process! There is no right or wrong way to do
the process. There is no diagram that can tell you how your Path is
going to unfold. Each person has their own path to follow. We
all are going to end up in the same place - but how we get there is unique
to each of us. We do have the same basic human emotional dynamic.
We have much more in common then we have ever had differences. So,
the feelings, and the wounds, are basically the same for all of us.
The magnificent complexity of our internal process is part of a human dynamic
that we are all here to experience.
"The individual human being is a fully contained
system involving multiple interrelationships within multiple levels.
This is easy to see, and understand, when looking at the physical level.
The interrelationship of the organs to each other, to the blood, to the
skin, to the nervous system, etc. - is a dance of grand, and compelling,
complexity.
Just as grand, and compelling, is the complexity
of the dance of interrelationship between the mental, emotional, and spiritual
components/levels that dynamically interact to form the make up of the individual
being - the persona, personality, consciousness, of the self. The more
awareness is acquired about the different levels of the self, and the interrelationships
between those levels, the easier it becomes to diagnose the dysfunctional
interaction dynamics." - Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light
When I first got into recovery, someone
said to me "All you have to change is everything." Boy, was that the Truth.
I did need, and continue to need, to change my relationships with everything.
All of my relationships were based on intellectual programming and emotional
experiences from my early childhood. Attitudes, beliefs, and definitions
determine expectations and perspective. My expectations and perspective
dictate my relationships.
In order to start changing the quality of my relationships,
I need to own that I had choices about what attitudes, beliefs, and definitions
I was empowering. The intellectual paradigm that is dictating my relationships
is what determines how I relate to: self; life; the concept of a God-Force;
my emotions; my body; my gender; etc., etc. So they also, of course,
dictate how I relate to people, places and things.
I had to become aware of my own thoughts and thought
process in order to start changing it. I had to become aware of how
much the critical parent voice was determining the quality of my life experience.
I had to become conscious of the reality that I was negatively affirming
myself hundreds of times a day. That I was allowing fear and shame,
belief in scarcity, lack, and separation, to dictate my relationship with
myself and life.
I needed to fire the judge that was always watching
me ready to put a negative spin on anything in my life. I realized
that I had the power to take steps to replace that judge with a Loving observer.
An observer that could give me the detachment to start discovering that those
messages were based on warped distortions, insane expectations, and obscene,
soul wounding lies.
In terms of the process of processing, this is an ongoing process.
I don't actually get to fire the judge and exile him from my inner kingdom
- what I can do is gradually disempower that judge. I do that by changing
the attitudes, beliefs, and definitions that are creating the insane expectations
and dysfunctional perspectives. I do that by choosing to introduce different
programming - taking action to change my intellectual paradigm. (One
tool in that reprogramming is using positive affirmations to replace the
negative ones.) I do that by owning that I have a choice about where
I focus my mind - and a choice about what beliefs I empower. One level
of beliefs that it is very important to own that we have the power to change,
is our beliefs in relationship to the nature and purpose of life. We
do have the right to empower in our life a Higher Power of our own understanding
- we do not have to be the victim of anyone else's concept.
Choosing to empower a spiritual belief system that supports the belief
that we are Lovable and precious beings is a very valuable part of the process
in my opinion. Much of the mental and emotional work can be done without
buying into the belief system that I believe to be Truth - but it is much
easier when your spiritual belief system is large enough to take the shame
out of the equation.
Owning that we have the power to take some control of our own mental
processes is vital to changing our relationship with ourselves. We
do not have to be the victim of the wounded, dysfunctionally programmed part
of our own mind. We can change the way we think into one that is gentler
and more Loving. Again, this is a process that unfolds over time - not
a destination to be reached.
Emotionally, it is vital to change our relationship with our own emotions
into one that works to help us open up to Love - instead of battling our
emotions as the enemy. We need to embrace our feelings so that we can
release the repressed grief and rage - at the same time we start learning
how to have some Loving control over our own emotional process. Our
wounded inner child is often like a dog that was abused as a puppy - either
cringing in fear or snarling out of reaction. It is a long gradual
process to learn how to Lovingly parent those wounded children within us
- we cannot do it without owning our childhood experiences and releasing
the repressed emotional energy that has been dictating our relationships.
Often the dysfunctional attitudes and beliefs we are empowering are subconscious
ones from our childhood that we may have rejected consciously in adulthood
- but which are still dictating our reactions emotionally. These subconscious
beliefs may only come to light when we do our grief work. It is very
critical to be willing to do the grief work.
Emotional balance is not a destination. It is a constantly changing
dance. In doing our reprogramming intellectually, and our emotional
and Spiritual healing - we are changing the music of our dance. We
are choosing to have the opportunity to dance with Love and Joy, to dance
in Light and Truth - instead of in darkness and disharmony. In order
to have the capacity to dance with Love and Joy, we must first be willing
to dance with our anger and fear, with the pain and sadness. Through
owning our wounded inner children, we get to uncover and release the spontaneous,
playful, Joyous Spiritual child within that is the one who will lead us
home to LOVE.
Balance in dancing is about having a feeling for equilibrium, moving
in harmony, adjusting, balancing, rebalancing. Likewise our inner
dance of finding balance is an ongoing process - ever changing, fluctuating,
oscillating in tune with the vibrational rhythms. Once we learn to
have a sense of balance, a feeling for emotional clarity, then we are able
to adjust and rebalance more quickly when some external (life event, other
people's behavior) or internal (wounded child reaction, old tape kicking
in) stimuli throws us out of balance.
In this process, it is necessary to be continually rebalancing our relationship
with our self.
We will not find balance in all areas, on all levels at the same time.
The goal is to be at balance in as many areas as possible as much of the
time as possible - and to accept wherever we are at as a perfect part of
the dance. We focus on an area of relationship (with some part/level
of our being, and/or some outward manifestation of that issue/area) and find
some balance in that area - and then it is time to focus on another area.
And then another and another. By that time, it is time to come back
and find a new level of balance in the first area - because we are constantly
changing and growing.
We may work on healing our relationship to our same sex parent - which
also involves healing our relationship to our own gender, sexuality, emotions,
etc., and how we relate to others of our gender and the opposite gender
- and that may lead us into focusing on our relationship with money which
was distorted by that parents relationship with money. This leads us
into looking at the blocks we have within us to receiving abundance in money
and all other levels - which leads us into our fear of intimacy issues -
which leads us back to our relationship with our parent. Etc. Etc.
Each issue branches off into many other related issues, into all the
different emotional and intellectual levels of each of those issues.
As we peel away the levels of denial in relationship to each issue, as we
get emotionally honest with ourselves on a deeper level with that issue -
it opens up more levels, more grief, more denial to peel away. And we
find ourselves back looking at the original issues with a new perspective.
In this process, it is not just necessary to uncover and let go of the
dysfunctional attitudes and false beliefs of childhood. We need to
be willing to see, and let go of, our attitudes of 6 months ago, of 6 weeks
ago, of 3 days ago. Because we are growing and changing, our perspective
keeps changing. That means our relationships keep changing.
Part of finding emotional balance involves accepting ourselves wherever
we are at in the moment. I can have a place where I feel very balanced
emotionally, Spiritually, intellectually - but still have some obvious imbalance
in my relationship with my physical body. That is OK. That is
part of the ongoing healing process. I also have places in time when
I feel no balance or clarity about anything. That is OK too. We
are works in progress - in process. By not judging myself, and not buying
into the belief that there is some destination I have to reach before it
is OK to Love myself, then I can have some moments of balance today.
There is no destination to be reached. We will be growing and
learning, uncovering and discovering, peeling away denial and releasing emotional
energy, for the rest of our lifetime. On subtler levels, with less
pain and discomfort as we heal - but it an ongoing process nevertheless.
It sure is a good thing that we aren't in control of this process. It
is a good thing that we don't have to figure it out. We will be guided.
We are being lead through the process. Our job is to pay attention
and learn how to manifest as much Love as possible into our dance in the
moment.
In order to do that, it is vital to start taking the shame out of the
process. In one sense, the dance of recovery works like a pendulum
swinging. The more we are in reaction out of shame, out of the right
and wrong paradigm of the disease, the more extreme our swings are in both
directions. We react (to an emotional button being pushed), and then
we react to our reaction (with shame and judgment.) The less we judge
and shame ourselves, the less extreme our swings become.
The more we do our emotional healing so that we are not taking life
and other people so seriously and personally, the less power we give to old
reactions. The more we take the power away from the old tapes and old
wounds, the less extreme our swings become. The more gentle our swings, the
easier it is to maintain some equilibrium - some semblance of balance.
Gentle swings is what we are looking for and that can only come by being
gentle with ourselves.
By getting in touch with, and building an ongoing relationship with
the different inner child places within us, we are able to recognize and
respond more quickly when we get triggered. When we get triggered multiple
old wounds can be triggered at the same time. The reopening of old
wounds triggers old defenses to kick in so that the lonely, needy child reacts
out of a deeply painful place which triggers the older child who had to get
tough, to react with disdain and hatred for the needy part of self.
The internal battle is off and running.
The internal battle is what we are working to stop. This is where
we need to manifest Love for those wounded places within us. Having
compassion for our self, and forgiving our self on an emotional level for
our powerlessness as children, is the hardest thing for us to learn.
"We were powerless out of ego-self to do anything
any different than we did it. We are powerless out of ego-self to
heal this disease. Through Spiritual Self, through our Spiritual Connection,
we have access to all the power in the Universe.
We need to have the willingness: willingness to
get to a new level of self-honesty; willingness to start listening to the
Loving inner voice instead of the shaming ones; willingness to face the
terror of healing the emotional wounds.
Codependence causes us to have a distorted and
repressed emotional process, and the only way out is through the feelings.
Codependence gives us a scrambled mind, a reversed dysfunctional way of
looking at ourselves and the world, and we have to be able to use the wonderful
tool that is our mind while changing our attitudes and reprogramming our
thinking.
It seems awfully complicated, doesn't it?
That is because it is!
On another level it is also very simple.
It is a Spiritual Dis-ease. It can only be healed through a Spiritual
Cure. It cannot be healed by only looking at the symptoms. That
is backwards.
The cure is available through surrendering control
to a Higher Power. We cannot do this healing by ourselves. We
need a Loving Higher Power in our lives. We need other Recovering people
in our lives."
Complex and complicated is this dance of recovery. Multiple interrelated
issues branching off into multiple intertwined levels. Some feelings
that need to be trusted, some that cannot be trusted. A part of our
mind that is the enemy, most of our mind a magnificent resource that we
have hardly begun to tap. Twisting and convoluted is our inner journey.
Often confusing and baffling, scary and frustrating. So easy to feel
the victim of a somehow defective self.
We are not defective. There is nothing shameful about being human.
It is not only OK to be confused and scared - it is a normal, natural part
of the human experience that it is very important to accept as a perfect
part of the process. The less we judge and shame ourselves, the more
quickly we get to move out of the painful places. The more we align
with how the healing process really works, the more control we have of our
own inner process.
We do not have to figure it out - we just need to learn to pay attention
in a conscious way. We need to be willing to learn how to be emotionally
honest with ourselves so that we can have a more balanced relationship with
our own emotional process. We need to learn to discern between the things
we cannot control and the things we can have some control over, so that we
can start learning how to relax and enjoy the growth process we are experiencing.
Recovery is not self help - or at least not only self help. We
need to do our part of the process and let go of trying to do our Higher
Power's part. We are not alone. We are being guided. We
are being led to new horizons. Our paths are unfolding perfectly.
One of the great gifts of aligning with a Spiritual growth process,
is that we get to discover who we are in Truth. As we learn to change
our relationship with self and with life into one which allows us the possibility
of opening up to Unconditional Love - we learn that we already exist in
that State of Grace.
As we learn to remove the distortions, false beliefs and lies from our
intellectual paradigm, as we clear our emotional process of the twisted,
polluted residue of judgment and shame, then we start to see ourselves more
clearly. Then we start to see our Self. As we strip away the
masks we learned to wear, remove the garbage and lies from our perspective
of self - then we get to see the wonderful Truth.
We are exactly who we always wanted to be.
"A "state of Grace" is the condition of being
Loved unconditionally by our Creator without having to earn that Love.
We are Loved unconditionally by the Great Spirit. What we need to do
is to learn to accept that state of Grace.
The way we do that is to change the attitudes
and beliefs within us that tell us that we are not Lovable. And we
cannot do that without going through the black hole. The black hole
that we need to surrender to traveling through is the black hole of our grief.
The journey within - through our feelings - is the journey to knowing that
we are Loved, that we are Lovable.
It is through willingness and acceptance, through
surrender, trust, and faith, that we can begin to own the state of Grace
which is our True condition.
We are all beautiful swans who exist in a state
of Grace, in a condition of being unconditionally Loved. The dance
of Recovery is a process of learning to accept and integrate the Truth of
Grace into our lives.
The goal in this Age of Healing and Joy is integration
and balance. To integrate the Spiritual Truth into our physical experience
so that we can fill the hole inside and find wholeness within. As
we integrate our True Spiritual nature into our relationship with our physical
being we can begin to achieve some balance and harmony with and between
all of the parts of our being.
This age is a time for growing and learning, a
time to become conscious of the True nature of the Source Energy, a time
of Spiritual Awakening. We have been given the wonder-full gift of
having the ability and the tools to start integrating the Truth of a Loving
Universal Force into our day-to-day experience of life. We now have
the knowledge and guidance that we need to start bringing some balance to
our relationships - with ourselves and our God/Goddess, with other people
and the planet - so that we can live in a way that allows us to experience
some Peace and Love on our life path.
We can heal our wounded souls enough to change
the dance of life from a dance of endurance and suffering to a dance that
celebrates living. We now have access to the power to transform the
dance of Codependence to a dance of healing and Joy."
