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Joy2MeU
The Web Site of Spiritual Teacher, codependence counselor, grief therapist, author, Robert Burney and Joy to You & Me Enterprises
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Robert is the author of the Joyously inspirational book
The Dance of Wounded Souls
By Robert Burney
"As long as we look outside of Self - with a capital S - to find out who we are, to define ourselves and give us self-worth, we are setting ourselves up to be victims.
We were taught to look outside of ourselves - to people, places, and things; to money, property, and prestige - for fulfillment and happiness. It does not work, it is dysfunctional. We cannot fill the hole within with anything outside of Self.
You can get all the money, property, and prestige in the world, have everyone in the world adore you, but if you are not at peace within, if you don't Love and accept yourself, none of it will work to make you Truly happy.
When we look outside for self-definition and self-worth, we are giving power away and setting ourselves up to be victims. We are trained to be victims. We are taught to give our power away."
"As was stated earlier, Codependence could more accurately be called outer or external dependence. Outside influences (people, places, and things; money, property, and prestige) or external manifestations (looks, talent, intelligence) can not fill the hole within. They can distract us and make us feel better temporarily but they cannot address the core issue - they cannot fulfill us Spiritually. They can give us ego-strength but they cannot give us self-worth." - (all quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
On the question and answer pages of my original web site someone asked me for my opinion about an article on the internet where a marriage counselor contends that the codependency movement is ruining marriages. What he wrote was so codependent that it was a perfect example of codependency.
He stated that self esteem is based on what we do. He actually stated in this article, "If I can't do anything, I'm certain I'd have no reason to have self-esteem." (A multi-part reply to this article is now the first chapter of the online book: Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light Chapter 1 The codependency movement is NOT ruining marriages!)
This is a great example of the dysfunction of codependence. Anyone who feels they have to be productive to feel good about themselves, is set up to feel like a victim when they aren't productive. If this guy were to get sick, or when he gets old, he has no reason to feel good about himself. When someone determines their self worth by what they do, they are being codependent.
I have found it important and helpful in my work to draw a clear boundary between what I call ego strength and True self worth. Ego strength is obtained externally. We were taught in this society - as in any codependent culture - to look outside to define ourselves and give us a feeling of worth. We have worth if we are better than others. We are validated in comparison to others, for being: smarter than, richer than, prettier than, more talented than, having better grades than, etc., etc. This empowers the illusion of separation and feeds the fear of not being good enough. Everyone in a codependent society has to have someone to look down upon in order to feel good about themselves.
Ego strength is not a bad thing, just as being productive or pretty or smart are not bad things. It is just dysfunctional if we base our self worth on these external sources. All external manifestations are potentially temporary. If we base our relationship on temporary conditions we are setting ourselves up to be a victim of change, of aging, of being human. That makes such a dynamic dysfunctional in the long run.
My Spiritual belief system is based upon the belief that we are connected to everyone and everything. I believe that we are all extensions of the Great Spirit, children of God, created as a reflection of The Goddess. I believe - and as I point out in my book, it has now been scientifically proven by quantum physics - that we are all ONE energy. That we are all connected to each other, to our planet, to everything in our environment, on higher vibrational levels. The highest vibrational energy exists in a state of eternal bliss and perfect harmony - always has, always will. That highest vibration level - which I call LOVE - is our True home. We are extensions, manifestations, of what I call the Holy Mother Source Energy - experiencing an illusion of reality that exists at lower vibrational frequencies. We are here in human body going to boarding school, and are evolving back to consciousness of our True Self - are going to get to go home.
As I said in my last article (which was basically a short version of my article: The Recovery Process for inner child healing - spiritual integration), it is certainly not necessary for you to agree with my Spiritual beliefs in order to apply the inner child healing paradigm I share in these articles. It is however, very important to choose a belief for yourself that allows for the possibility that maybe, just maybe, you are inherently Lovable and worthy. It is an invaluable aid in starting to remove the toxic shame about being human from our relationship with self and life.
We learned to relate to ourselves, to life, to other people, in early childhood from people who were wounded in their childhoods. Toxic shame about being human - being imperfect, making mistakes, being emotional, being sexual, being female, etc. - has been passed down from generation to generation.
Toxic shame is the enemy. It is an enemy that we do not defeat by fighting - although it is vitally important to develop an internal defense attorney to set boundaries with the critical parent / disease voice within so that we can change our ego programming.
The way we defeat this enemy is with Love. By learning to be more loving to our self and accepting of our humanity, we can start to access our True nature and purpose, our True Self.
In my belief, who we really are is: Spiritual Beings having a human experience. It is a belief that serves me. It helps me to be more Loving to myself and have healthier relationships with others. It is a source of real Self worth that is not temporary or based on external sources. We were taught to make other people, success, external sources our Higher Powers that determine if we have worth. We were taught to worship false gods.
Recovery is a process of recognizing that we are powerless out of ego-self to control life - while at the same time learning to access all the power in the Universe through our connection to Spiritual Self. Doing the inner child healing work is the way to clear our inner channel so that we can tune into the higher vibrational emotional energy of Love. Love is the answer. Love is the key to True self worth.
