Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light

Book 2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life

Chapter 9: Codependency = Emotional Anorexia

"Growing up in dysfunctional, codependent cultures programmed us to compare ourselves to others.  As long as we are looking outside for self definition and self worth we are condemned to do it in comparison.

It doesn't matter what criteria we are using:  looks;  intelligence;  success;  popularity;  righteousness (includes religious fanatics, bigots and racists, rebels and outcasts, health fanatics, etc.);  etc.; we are taking our feelings of worth from looking down on others.  When we are taking our feelings of worth from some arbitrarily defined external criteria - including healthier than, more spiritual than, kinder than, etc. - we are in our codependency.  We are nurturing ourselves emotionally by seeing ourselves as "better than" - we are sucking emotional sustenance from our perspective of other people.  We are being emotional vampires.

As long as we are looking outside to define ourselves and determine our worth we are set up to be emotional vampires - which sets us up to be emotional anorexics."

"Codependency is a condition which sets us up to be starved for emotional nurturing - to be emotionally anorexic.  Not having our emotional needs met in childhood sets us up for the behavior patterns that cause our adult emotional needs to go unmet - and both areas of need are reflections of our Spiritual wound, of the hole we feel within due to the feeling of disconnection from our Source.  That deep empty longing can only be filled Spiritually, by reconnecting with our Source.

As long as we are looking outside to fill the hole we feel within ourselves, we are destined to be emotional anorexics.  Our emotional needs cannot be filled as long as our self worth is enmeshed in our emotional relationship to external sources.  We are not able to discern between our legitimate adult emotional needs and the desperate emotional neediness of our wounded inner children as long we are looking outside of ourselves to find worth, to fill the feeling of emptiness within."

"Giving power away over our feelings and giving power away over our self esteem are two completely different things.  It is vital to start seeing these two levels of the dynamic as separate - to start discerning a boundary between emotions and self worth - so that we can start taking responsibility for that which we do have the power to change."

"This is another of the areas that it is so vital to start discerning between different levels, start understanding the paradox of life, of recovery.  We need to stop being emotionally enmeshed - learn to define ourselves as separate from others emotionally - in order to get clearly in touch with the Truth that we are all connected - we are not separate Spiritually."

On this page is the ninth chapter of an online book by codependency therapist/Spiritual teacher.
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Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls
Joyously inspirational Spiritual book - Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
Included on this page are quotes from both Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls and from other copyrighted work by Robert Burney.  Online pages quoted within this chapter will be linked so that they open in a separate browser window - with the exception of any web articles referenced which are quite long, or for some other reason not conducive to internal linking.  Links will be provided at the bottom of this page to any such web pages.


This is Chapter 9 of a book being published online as it is written.  To find out more about the genesis of this work you can go to Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light  Book 2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life: Author's Foreword

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light

Book 2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life

Chapter 9: Codependency = Emotional Anorexia

By Robert Burney

It is not human needs and desires that cause suffering, it is looking to get those needs fulfilled in someplace where they cannot be fulfilled that causes suffering.  It has been trying to quench our thirst from an empty well that is dysfunctional.

(Text in this color is used for quotes from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

Codependency is dysfunctional.  It does not work.  It causes us to try to quench our thirst from an empty well.  As long as we are looking outside to define ourselves and find feelings of worth, we are set up to be emotional vampires. . . . . 

Looking outside of ourselves for self-definition and self-worth means that we have to judge people in order to feel good about ourselves.  There is no other way to do it when you look outside.

We were taught to have ego-strength through judgment - better than, prettier than, smarter than, richer than, stronger than, etc., etc.

In a Codependent society everyone has to have someone to look down on in order to feel positive about him/herself.  This is the root of all bigotry, racism, sexism, and prejudice in the world.

Growing up in dysfunctional, codependent cultures programmed us to compare ourselves to others.  As long as we are looking outside for self definition and self worth we are condemned to do it in comparison.

It doesn't matter what criteria we are using:  looks;  intelligence;  success;  popularity;  righteousness (includes religious fanatics, bigots and racists, rebels and outcasts, health fanatics, etc.);  etc.; we are taking our feelings of worth from looking down on others.  When we are taking our feelings of worth from some arbitrarily defined external criteria - including healthier than, more spiritual than, kinder than, etc. - we are in our codependency.  We are nurturing ourselves emotionally by seeing ourselves as "better than" - we are sucking emotional sustenance from our perspective of other people.  We are being emotional vampires.

As long as we are looking outside to define ourselves and determine our worth we are set up to be emotional vampires - which sets us up to be emotional anorexics.

Codependency = Emotional Anorexia

All codependents are programmed to look externally for validation of our being which sets us up to be emotional vampires who are desperately trying to overcome being emotional anorexics.  We are dying of thirst - and trying to quench our thirst for connection and Love, for validation and affirmation, from an empty well.

Codependency is a condition which sets us up to be starved for emotional nurturing - to be emotionally anorexic. . . . . . 

This page is no longer available on the regular web site.  To view this page, it is now necessary to pay a fee for access to the Dancing in Light section of Joy2MeU.com  On this page are quotes from, and section headings of, the original article.  The page with information on how to subscribe is Dancing in Light.

Stopping emotional enmeshment

Feelings

separate emotionally - not Spiritually

Emotional Responsibility

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Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light
Book 2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life:
Go to Chapter 10: Normal Families are dysfunctional - Published online November 20, 2002

September 2005 - Chapters 3 through 15 of this work are now exclusively available in the Dancing in Light pay to view component of Joy2MeU.com


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