Detachment
We need to start observing ourselves and stop judging
ourselves. Any time we judge and shame ourselves, we are feeding
back into the disease, we are jumping back into the squirrel cage.
(All quotes in this color are from Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Prologue to Detachment (?? or something)
The first requirement in any healthy problem solving
situation is awareness that a problem exists. Until there is awareness
that a condition exists which is causing some adverse effect, no positive,
proactive action can be taken to change the situation for the better.
(I am referring to "healthy" problem solving and "positive, proactive"
action as opposed to unconscious, negative, reactive action - such as blaming,
scapegoating, focusing on symptoms instead of cause, killing the messenger,
etc.)
This is true in any dynamic involving human beings
- personal inter- or intra-action, family, company, society, etc.
The tools and techniques, method and process, laid out in this book are
based upon principles of dynamic human interaction which could be applied
to any level of human interaction - up to and including international.
The "problems" in any system involving human interaction are merely reflections
of dysfunction in the internal human process. The "problems" are
the result of some part of the dynamic that is not working - that is dysfunctional
- in furthering the goals, meeting the needs, of the system as a whole.
This is true rather the system involved is an individual human being or
a society.
The individual human being is a fully contained
system involving multiple interrelationships within multiple levels.
This is easy to see, and understand, when looking at the physical level.
The interrelationship of the organs to each other, to the blood, to the
skin, to the nervous system, etc. - is a dance of grand, and compelling,
complexity.
Just as grand, and compelling, is the complexity
of the dance of interrelationship between the mental, emotional, and spiritual
components/levels that dynamically interact to form the make up of the
individual being - the persona, personality, consciousness, of the self.
The more awareness is acquired about the different levels of the self,
and the interrelationships between those levels, the easier it becomes
to diagnose the dysfunctional interaction dynamics.
"So what's the point already" you subscribers
are probably asking.
There are several points I want to make here (although
I could see as I was writing that this section is probably the first chapter
in the book rather than this chapter - see what you get for subscribing
to a work in progress. ;-) )
1. That this process (setting internal boundaries)
applies to the dynamics that dictate human behavior. Those dynamics
are not just about some people from some families in certain cultures.
The symptomatic behavioral defenses that result from the Spiritual, mental,
and emotional abuse that has been the Human Condition, come in a variety
of flavors and colors, intensity and severity, - but they are universal,
and apply to all humans on the planet. Human beings have much
more in common with each other than they have differences. Everyone
is reacting out of the same basic emotions, and the same basic emotional
and Spiritual wounds.
2. That these dynamics apply to all levels
of human interaction. I am not being frivolous or whimsical when
I say "Work for World Peace: Heal Your Inner Child." This is
not some "pop psychology" or New Age airy fairy junk - this is the revolution.
Doing this healing is the answer. Doing this work is the most powerful
way I know to effectively, dynamically, and relatively quickly integrate
Love into our individual internal process. To start Loving ourselves
is a revolutionary act that is part of the Second Coming that has begun
on the planet.
3. That the first requirement in any healthy
problem solving situation is awareness that a problem exists. Detachment
is technique that fosters awareness.
Detachment
Detach 1. To unfasten and make separate; disconnect;
disunite.
Detachment 1. A detaching; separation.
(New Illustrated Webster's Dictionary)
The goal of this dance of Recovery is integration
and balance. That means celebrating being a tree while also glorying
in being a part of the forest. Recovery is a process of
becoming conscious of our individual wholeness and our ONENESS with all.
The healing process is full of paradox and irony
on multiple levels. One of those paradoxes is that in order to get
in touch with our ONENESS with everything, we must first be able to define
our self as separate from others. And in order to become an integrated
whole being, we must first separate and own all of the different parts
of our self within. As long as we don't have clear boundaries between
our self and others, we cannot know where we end and someone else starts
- we cannot get clear on what is our stuff and what is theirs. As
long as we don't have clear boundaries within ourselves, we are set up
to be the victim of our own thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
Detachment is a vital technique in starting to
see our self and others more clearly.
Most people who have any experience with twelve
step programs will associate the term 'detachment' with Al-Anon.
In Al-Anon terms detachment means to let go of believing that one has the
power to make an alcoholic drink - or not drink. To stop taking an
alcoholics behavior personally. It means to let go of feeling responsible
for another persons feelings and behavior.
Detaching from feeling responsible for the feelings
and behavior of other people is one of the initial stages of any codependency
recovery. We learned in childhood that we had the power to make our
parents happy or sad, angry or scared. We experienced painful consequences
when our behavior was not what the adults around us considered acceptable.
Some of us came from families where being a human child was not acceptable
behavior. Some of us came from families afflicted with alcoholism
or mental illness, in which case the definition of acceptable behavior
varied wildly from one day to the next. Some of us came from families
where as children we were allowed to have the power and be in control -
which is terrifying and abusive to a child. Some of us came from
families where no one in the family had permission to be human. None
of these environments taught us how to relate to self and life in a healthy
way.
We grew up getting the message that we were responsible
for other people feelings and behavior. And we were taught to give
other people or outside agencies power over how we felt about ourselves.
We learned to do life backwards.
I spent most of my life doing the Serenity prayer
backwards, that is, trying to change the external things over which I had
no control - other people and life events mostly - and taking no responsibility
(except shaming and blaming myself) for my own internal process - over
which I can have some degree of control. Having some control is not
a bad thing; trying to control something or somebody over which I have
no control is what is dysfunctional.
We tried to control other people so we could protect
ourselves emotionally. Some of us (classic codependent behavior)
tried to control through people pleasing, being a chameleon, wearing a
mask, dancing to other people's tunes. Some of us (classic counterdependent
behavior - the opposite extreme) protected ourselves by pretending that
we didn't need other people. Either way we were living life in reaction
to our childhood wounds - we were not making clear, conscious choices.
(If we think our choice is to be in an abusive relationship or not to be
in a relationship at all, that is not a choice - that is reacting between
two extremes that are symptoms of our childhood wounds.)
