"Learning what healthy behavior is
will allow us to be healthier in the relationships that do not mean much
to us; intellectually knowing Spiritual Truth will allow us to be more Loving
some of the time; but in the relationships that mean the most to us, with
the people we care the most about, when our "buttons are pushed" we will
watch ourselves saying things we don't want to say and reacting in ways that
we don't want to react - because we are powerless to change the behavior patterns
without dealing with the emotional wounds.
We cannot integrate Spiritual Truth or intellectual
knowledge of healthy behavior into our experience of life in a substantial
way without honoring and respecting the emotions. We cannot consistently
incorporate healthy behavior into day to day life without being emotionally
honest with ourselves. We cannot get rid of our shame and overcome
our fear of emotional intimacy without going through the feelings."
"A "state of Grace" is the condition of
being Loved unconditionally by our Creator without having to earn that
Love. We are Loved unconditionally by the Great Spirit. What
we need to do is to learn to accept that state of Grace.
The way we do that is to change the attitudes
and beliefs within us that tell us that we are not Lovable. And we
cannot do that without going through the black hole. The black hole
that we need to surrender to traveling through is the black hole of our grief.
The journey within - through our feelings - is the journey to knowing that
we are Loved, that we are Lovable."
"It is necessary to own and honor the child
who we were in order to Love the person we are. And the only way to do that
is to own that child's experiences, honor that child's feelings, and release
the emotional grief energy that we are still carrying around."
(All quotes in this color are from
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to learn to have
compassion for our self. In childhood we felt like it was our fault
that our wounded parents treated us in the way they did. We felt that
any abuse, deprivation, neglect, and/or abandonment (actual or emotional)
was because there was something wrong with who we were - that we were defective
or bad or evil or unlovable in some way.
As long as we have not done the work to heal our relationship
with the child who we were - with the inner child wounded places that still
exist within us - we are not available to Love our self. When we are
not able to Love our self, then we are more comfortable in relationships
with people who are emotionally unavailable. Being emotionally unavailable
to our self makes us emotionally unavailable to others - and will cause us
to sabotage any relationship where the other person is Loving us more than
we feel we deserve to be Loved.
And I am not talking about consciously telling our selves we are
Lovable. I am not talking about an intellectual - or even an intuitive
- level of awareness where we know and believe we are Lovable. It
does not matter how much we believe intellectually we are Lovable - although
working on believing that by introducing Loving programming such as positive
affirmations is a vital step in the process of healing - if we have not
worked on changing the emotional programming.
When I use the term emotional programming, I am referring to both
the emotional wounding / unresolved grief and to subconscious and conscious
intellectual ego programming that resulted from the ways we were traumatized
and how we interpreted the messages we got from the behavior, communication,
and role modeling of our parents and any other significant older people in
our lives in childhood. We have within us emotional wounds - inner child
places - that are a result of arrested states of ego programming from different
ages in our childhood.
It is impossible to become aware of all the subconscious programming
without doing our grief work. It is necessary to go through what I
refer to in my book as the black hole of our grief in order to bring the
subconscious programming to Light. Anything that is in the dark within
us has power. The emotional wounds and old tapes from our childhood
have power as long as we have not done the grieving and the ego reprogramming
work that is necessary to start opening our hearts to our self.
As long as we are disconnected / disassociated from ourselves
emotionally, we cannot be emotionally honest or intimate with ourselves.
As long as we have not been willing to go through the black hole of our grief
so that we can own and reconnect emotionally with the child who we were -
we can not be fully or clearly in touch with our own heart and soul.
Intimacy is "in to me see." We need to be able to see into
our self - and be willing to take the action necessary - to stop allowing
the emotional wounds and old tapes to run our lives and sabotage our relationships.
We need to learn to open our hearts to our self, in order to be capable of
Truly opening our hearts to another person. If we can't open our hearts
to our self, then we will continue to choose emotionally unavailable people
to get involved with in our romantic relationships. We are doomed to
be in relationships that do not meet our needs - or to avoid relationships
- until we start learning to have compassion for the child that we were.
I am going to end this months column with a quote from an article
in my series on The
True Nature of Love to give an example of how important it is to do this
grief work so that we can change the old tapes that have been dictating how
we relate to Love and romance. I will be continuing the discussion of
emotional intimacy in my columns here in the coming months - including sharing
how my fear of intimacy caused me to sabotage my latest romantic relationship
which in turn led to me opening my heart in a Truly magnificent way.
"We cannot get clearly in touch with the subconscious programming
without doing the grief work. The subconscious intellectual programming
is tied to the emotional wounds we suffered and many years of suppressing
those feelings has also buried the attitudes, definitions, and beliefs that
are connected to those emotional wounds. It is possible to get intellectually
aware of some of them through such tools as hypnosis, or having a therapist
or psychic or energy healer tell us they are there - but we cannot really
understand how much power they carry without feeling the emotional context
- and cannot change them without reducing the emotional charge / releasing
the emotional energy tied to them. Knowing they are there will not
make them go away.
A good example of how this works is a man that I worked with some
years ago. He came to me in emotional agony because his wife was leaving
him. He was adamant that he did not want a divorce and kept saying
how much he loved his wife and how he could not stand to lose his family (he
had a daughter about 4.) I told him the first day he came in that the
pain he was suffering did not really have that much to do with his wife and
present situation - but was rooted in some attitude from his childhood.
But that did not mean anything to him on a practical level, on a level of
being able to let go of the attitude that was causing him so much pain.
It was only while doing his childhood grief work that he got in touch with
the pain of his parents divorce when he was 10 years old. In the midst
of doing that grief work the memory of promising himself that he would never
get a divorce, and cause his child the kind of pain he was experiencing,
surfaced. Once he had gotten in touch with, and released, the emotional
charge connected to the idea of divorce, he was able to look at his present
situation more clearly. Then he could see that the marriage had never
been a good one - that he had sacrificed himself and his own needs from the
beginning to comply with his dream / concept of what a marriage should be.
He could then see that staying in the marriage was not serving him or his
daughter. Once he got past the promise he made to himself in childhood,
he was able to let go of his wife and start building a solid relationship
with his daughter based on the reality of today instead of the grief of the
past." -The True Nature of Love-part
4, Energetic Clarity