"Attempting to suppress emotions
is dysfunctional; it does not work. Emotions are energy: E-motion
= energy in motion. It is supposed to be in motion, it was meant to
Emotions have a purpose, a very good reason
to be - even those emotions that feel uncomfortable. Fear is a warning,
anger is for protection, tears are for cleansing and releasing. These
are not negative emotional responses! We were taught to react negatively
to them. It is our reaction that is dysfunctional and negative, not
"The way to stop reacting out of our inner
children is to release the stored emotional energy from our childhoods by
doing the grief work that will heal our wounds. The only effective,
long term way to clear our emotional process - to clear the inner channel
to Truth which exists in all of us - is to grieve the wounds which we suffered
as children. The most important single tool, the tool which is vital
to changing behavior patterns and attitudes in this healing transformation,
is the grief process. The process of grieving.
We are all carrying around repressed pain,
terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods, whether it was twenty
years ago or fifty years ago. We have this grief energy within us
even if we came from a relatively healthy family, because this society is
emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional."
(Text in this color are quotes from
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Emotions are energy that is manifested in
our bodies. They exist below the neck. They are not thoughts
(although attitudes set up our emotional reactions.) In order to do
the emotional healing it is vital to start paying attention to where energy
is manifesting in our bodies. Where is there tension, tightness?
Could that "indigestion" really be some feelings? Are those "butterflies"
in my stomach telling me something emotionally?
When I am working with someone and they
start having some feelings coming up, the first thing I have to tell them
is to keep breathing. Most of us have learned a variety of ways to
control our emotions and one of them is to stop breathing and close our throats.
That is because grief in the form of sadness accumulates in our upper chest
and breathing into it helps some of it to escape - so we learned to stop
breathing at those moments when we start getting emotional, when our voice
Western civilization has for many years
been way out of balance towards the left brain way of thinking - concrete,
rational, what you see is all there is (this was in reaction to earlier times
of being out of balance the other way, towards superstition and ignorance.)
Because emotional energy can not be seen or measured or weighed ("The x-ray
shows you've got 5 pounds of grief in there.") emotions were discounted and
devalued. This has started to change somewhat in recent years but most
of us grew up in a society that taught us that being too emotional was a
bad thing that we should avoid. (Certain cultures / subcultures give
more permission for emotions but those are usually out of balance to the
other extreme of allowing the emotions to rule - the goal is balance: between
mental and emotional, between intuitive and rational.)
Emotions are a vital part of our being for
1. Because it is energy and energy
cannot just disappear. The emotional energy generated by the circumstances
of our childhood and early life does not go away just because we were forced
to deny it. It is still trapped in our body - in a pressurized, explosive
state, as a result of being suppressed. If we don't learn how to release
it in a healthy way it will explode outward or implode back in on us.
Eventually it will transform into some other form - such as cancer.
I became willing to do the emotional healing in
the summer of 1987 when I set myself up to be abandoned on my birthday one
more time. I called a counselor that I had been told was good with
the emotional work. It turned our that he was in the middle of moving
to Hawaii and wasn't doing counseling anymore. But he said I could
come over and talk to him as he packed.
2. As long as we have pockets of
pressurized emotional energy that we have to avoid dealing with - those
emotional wounds will run our lives. We use food, cigarettes, alcohol
and drugs, work, religion, exercise, meditation, television, etc., to help
us keep suppressing that energy. To help us keep ourselves focused
on something else, anything else, besides the emotional wounds that terrify
us. The emotional wounds are what cause obsession and compulsion, are
what the "critical parent" voice works so hard to keep us from dealing with.
3. Our emotions tell us who we are
- our Soul communicates with us through emotional energy vibrations.
Truth is an emotional energy vibrational communication from our Soul on
the Spiritual Plane to our being/spirit/soul on this physical plane - it
is something that we feel in our heart/our gut, something that resonates
Our problem has been that because of our
unhealed childhood wounds it has been very difficult to tell the difference
between an intuitive emotional Truth and the emotional truth
that comes from our childhood wounds. When one of our buttons is pushed
and we react out of the insecure, scared little kid inside of us (or the
angry/rage filled kid, or the powerless/helpless kid, etc.) then we are reacting
to what our emotional truth was when we were 5 or 9 or 14 - not to what is
happening now. Since we have been doing that all of our lives, we learned
not to trust our emotional reactions (and got the message not to trust them
in a variety of ways when we were kids.)
4. We are attracted to people that
feel familiar on an energetic level - which means (until
we start clearing our emotional process) people that emotionally / vibrationally
feel like our parents did when we were very little kids. At a certain
point in my process I realized that if I met a woman who felt like
my soul mate, that the chances were pretty huge that she was one more unavailable
woman that fit my pattern of being attracted to someone who would reinforce
the message that I wasn't good enough, that I was unlovable. Until
we start releasing the hurt, sadness, rage, shame, terror - the emotional
grief energy - from our childhoods we will keep having dysfunctional relationships.
I don't remember anything that he said to
me that day - what I do remember is that as I sat in his house watching
him pack I had a feeling, and a visual image, that I had just opened Pandora's
Box - the monsters were loose now and I would never be able shut that box
Doing the grief work is absolutely terrifying.
The word I came up with to describe how I felt was terrif***ingfying.
It felt like if I ever really owned the pain, I would end up crying in a
rubber room for the rest of my life. That if I ever really owned the
rage, I would just go up and down the street shooting people. That
is not what happened. The Spirit guided me through the process and
gave me the resources I needed to release great quantities of that pent up,
pressurized emotional energy. To release enough to start learning who
I really am, to start seeing my path more clearly, and to start forgiving
myself and learning about love.
I still need to do the grieving/energy release
work from time to time. There is still a hole in my soul - a seemingly
bottomless abyss of wish-to-die-pain, shame, and unbearable suffering.
But it is a much smaller hole and I don't have to visit it very often.
The wounds don't go away. They have
less power to dictate my life as I heal. I needed to own that wounded
part of me in order to start getting to know, and have compassion for, me.
I also needed to learn to have a balance because we can't live in those
feelings. We need to own them and honor them in order to own and honor
ourselves - but then we need to learn to have internal boundaries that will
allow us to find some balance in our life, allow us to to trust the process
and our Higher Power.
We are on a Spiritual journey - and the
Force is with us. It will help and guide us as we face the terror of
owning how painful our human experience has been. The more we are able
to feel and release the feelings / emotional energy, the more clearly we
can tune into the emotional energy that is Truth - and Love, Light, Joy,
Beauty - coming from The Source Energy.