"We are all carrying around repressed
pain, terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods, whether it was
twenty years ago or fifty years ago. We have this grief energy within
us even if we came from a relatively healthy family, because this society
is emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional.
When someone "pushes your buttons," he/she
is activating that stored, pressurized grief energy. She/he is gouging
the old wounds, and all of the newer wounds that are piled on top of those
original wounds by our repeating behavior patterns.
We are terrified of this pressurized pain,
terror, shame, and rage energy - of "having our buttons pushed" - because
we have experienced it in the past as instances where we have explosively
overreacted in ways that caused us to later feel ashamed and crazy, or as
implosive reactions that have thrown us into that deep dark pit of emotional
despair within.
We are walking around with this set of buttons
available to be pushed by any person, place, thing, or combination thereof
that recreates the dynamics of the situation wherein we were originally
wounded. (For example: a certain smell, the texture of a fabric, a
tone of voice, a gesture, etc., can be emotional triggers that throw us back
to an age of our inner child.)
We carry this set of buttons, this baggage,
with us until we release that stored, pressurized grief energy in a healthy
grieving process. This society's answer to behavior caused by unresolved
grief is to shame you, label you, lock you up, and/or give you drugs.
We do not have to play that game anymore. We have new tools now, and
we have rediscovered the healing power of the natural grieving process."
(All quotes in this color are from Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls)
As long as we are unconsciously reacting
to our emotional wounds from childhood, we are doomed to keep repeating our
dysfunctional behavior patterns. It is vital to start becoming more
conscious of our childhood emotional wounds so we can stop allowing them to
dictate our behavior and define our experience of life.
We all have reactive emotional "buttons"
- an internal emotional mine field - that cause us to have intense emotional
reactions when a button is pushed, when one of the unhealed wounds in our
psyche gets activated. Other people, life events, an old song, etc.,
can trigger these emotional wounds.
Having these strong emotional reactions is
not a sign that we are crazy, it is just a symptom of codependency.
It is important to stop judging and shaming ourselves - or blaming others
- for these reactions. It is vital to start learning how to disarm
those buttons - how to heal our emotional wounds.
Consciousness is the key. We need to
become more conscious of our reactions so that we can stop reacting to our
reactions.
In recovery it is important to start realizing
that any time that we have an intense emotional reaction with a lot of energy
behind it, a lot of power - whether it is terror and panic, despair and helplessness,
rage, or whatever - that is a sign that an old wound has been triggered.
It is an indication that unresolved grief is involved in our reaction.
One of the first clues to start paying attention
to in recovery, clear evidence that inner child wounds are involved, is
when our reaction to a situation, person, job interview, whatever, feels
life threatening. That is, the situation is not actually, factually,
life threatening but it feels like a life or death situation - it
feels like our survival depends upon the outcome, the other persons reaction,
etc.
In childhood our survival was dependent upon
our parents. They were wounded - had their own internal emotional mine
fields - so they wounded us. It felt like there was something wrong
with our being that was threatening their love for us - and therefore our
survival. We learned to focus externally to try to manipulate and control
life and other people to try to ensure our survival.
This survival fear is the codependent fear
that I spoke of in my article Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 1: "a distorted,
magnified, virulent, mutated species of fear caused by the poisonous combination
of a false belief that being human is shameful with a polarized (black and
white, right and wrong) perspective of life."
This gut wrenching survival fear has been
running our lives - whether we were charging through life in denial of it,
or allowing it to totally dominate our reality. It is vital to learn
how to start taking power away from this survival fear.
Emotional discernment starts when we can
detach from the feeling enough to take an honest look at reality. It
may feel terrifying, may feel life threatening - but is that the truth?
There is a tool that comes out of Transactional
Analysis that can be very helpful in taking some power away from fear.
It is called a fear slide. The way it works is that you write down
what your fear is - say, I am afraid I will be alone on Valentine's Day,
or I am afraid he won't be my friend any more, or I am afraid I won't get
the job, etc. Then on the next line you write the answer to this question:
"If that happens, then what?" Then I will feel hurt, or whatever.
On the next line you write the answer to that same question, "then what?"
And you keep doing this down the page. Eventually, you will come to:
"I will die." or "I will cease to exist."
I am afraid _______
If that happens, then what?
If that happens, then what?
If that happens, then what?
If that happens, then what?
Then you go back to the original fear, and
ask yourself, "Will I die if I am alone on Valentine's Day?" The answer,
of course, is "No, I won't die."
You may feel like you want to die,
but that feeling is a result of codependency. It is very normal to feel
sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, but the reason we end up feeling
like we want to die is not just because of the sadness. The reason
we end up feeling like we want to die is that we are allowing our reality
- and our relationship with our self - to be dictated by a combination of
inner child wounds and false intellectual beliefs. We react emotionally
out of a desperately lonely, love starved, inner child place within us -
at the same time we judge ourselves for being alone, and for our feelings.
The critical parent voice in our head beats us up unmercifully for being
a "loser" and a "failure" in romantic relationships.
By starting to use some emotional discernment
to recognize that the feeling of life and death urgency is not reality -
it is just a feeling - we can start to take some power away from the fear.
As we start taking power away from this mutant variety of fear, we can start
to see ourselves and the situation with more clarity so that we can begin
to disarm the emotional minefield within. We can start taking power
away from those "buttons."
I will talk about the emotional discernment
that is involved in disarming those buttons in my November article.
Next month I will go back to looking at intellectual discernment to talk about
a vital component in this recovery dynamic - shutting up the critical parent
voice.