(This section did belong after the Newsletter - but felt a little overwhelming to me when on the same page - thus I made this a separate page. ~ RB 7/8/04)
Passion as I am referring to it here (in the movie review) is, of course, a completely different thing than Passion the noun that is capitalized and refers to the suffering of Jesus. The type of passion I am referring to is specifically about emotional passion. This can include romantic passion, but is not necessarily the same thing. The type of passion I am talking about has to do with embracing - accessing great energy in relationship to - something. A concept, a belief, an art form, music - some idea, activity, person, or cause that one feels a strong and powerful connection to, a heart and soul connection with.
Passion - accessing the Source from within
In my understanding passion is a wonderful thing when we are accessing our True Self, our own heart and soul, and because of that we are feeling a powerful vibrational connection to a person, place, thing, activity, whatever. If however, passionate intense emotions are being generated because we are looking to someone or something outside of our self to give us worth, to make life worth living, to feed off of for the energy that makes life worth living - then we are talking about potential addiction."Codependence is about giving power over our self-esteem to external conditions and/or outer forces (including other people) - being dependent on externals to determine how we feel about our self. That is dysfunctional. What we are striving for is to learn to be interdependent - to make allies, form partnerships - not make someone or something outside of us (i.e. popularity, career, money, etc.), or external to our being, our higher power that determines if we have self-worth. I have a column about the difference between co- and inter- on the Codependence vs Interdependence page.This is where I am going to get metaphysical and start talking about energy, vibrational frequency and different levels and planes of this Illusion we call human life.
Codependence is a disease of reversed focus - it is about focusing outside of ourselves for self-definition and self-worth. That sets us up to be a victim. We have worth because we are Spiritual Beings not because of how much money or success we have - or how we look or how smart we are. When self-worth is determined by looking outside it means we have to look down on someone else in order to feel good about ourselves - this is the cause of bigotry, racism, class structure, and Jerry Springer.
The goal is to focus on who we really are - get in touch with the Light and Love within us and then radiate that outward." - The codependency movement is NOT ruining marriages!
Quantum physics, the study of the microscopic, the subatomic world, has gone even further. Quantum physics has now proven that everything we see is an illusion, that the physical world is an illusion.
Everything is made up of interacting energy. Energy interacts on a subatomic level to form energy fields which physicists call subatomic particles. These subatomic energy fields interact to form atomic energy fields, atoms, which interact to form molecules. Everything in the physical world is made up of interacting atomic and molecular energy fields.
There is no such thing as separation in the physical world.
Energy is interacting to form a gigantic, dynamic pattern of rhythmically repeating energy interactions. In other words, a dance of energy. We are all part of a gigantic dance of energy.
This Universe is one gigantic pattern of dancing energy patterns.
In one of the first articles I wrote about my approach to the inner child healing process, I included an aside to make a point about this complex, complicated human experience we are having."(I need to make the point here that Codependence and recovery are both multi-leveled, multi-dimensional phenomena. What we are trying to achieve is integration and balance on different levels. In regard to our relationship with ourselves this involves two major dimensions: the horizontal and the vertical. In this context the horizontal is about being human and relating to other humans and our environment. The vertical is Spiritual, about our relationship to a Higher Power, to the Universal Source. If we cannot conceive of a God/Goddess Force that loves us then it makes it virtually impossible to be loving to ourselves. So a Spiritual Awakening is absolutely vital to the process in my opinion. Changing our relationship with ourselves on the horizontal level is both a necessary element in, and possible because we are working on, integrating Spiritual Truth into our inner process.)" - Learning to Love our self - Inner Child Healing / Codependence RecoveryI capitalize words such as Truth, Joy, and Love in my writing because that capitalization indicates that I am referring to the Transcendent vibrational energy that flows through the Illusion on the vertical plane. When I do not capitalize joy and love, I am referring to emotions of the horizontal plane. I am going to add bold to a few phrases or sentences in the following excerpt to emphasis the points I am trying to make here - and insert a word in this color to this quote for clarity."I have learned to accept the things I cannot change - and change what I can change, which includes my attitudes towards that which I can't change. It gives me the capacity to have serenity and inner peace. It gives me the capacity to be conscious in the moment and available to feel happy, and to tune into Joy at times, no matter what the external conditions are in my life - no matter what opportunities for growth are being presented to me.To me passion is about accessing Life Force energy in relationship to being alive. It is about accessing the higher vibrational transcendent emotion of Love, Light, Joy, and Truth which infuses us with the power and energy of the Spirit.
Happiness is a term I use in relationship to external circumstances. It (happiness) comes from doing, experiencing, interacting, etc. Joy - with the capital J - is about being, not doing. This has to do with the different dimensions - horizontal and vertical - of this human experience that I talk about in the Trilogy, and mention in various articles including the online book I am now writing"The horizontal emotion of joy can feel very much the same as Joy - and can in fact help us to access the Transcendent emotional energy of Joy. But the horizontal emotion that is joy is a relative reaction to external stimuli. That is, joy is felt because of some outside or external condition that raises our vibrational frequency within the vertical component of the horizontal emotional spectrum. This can be: an accomplishment such as achieving a goal or winning a contest; the feeling we get from experiencing the Love of another being - or an animal; a sensual experience such as the taste of food, or the feel of silk, or the touch of another being; or any of a number of other types of stimuli that are dependent upon outside circumstances or agencies. There is nothing wrong with feeling joy in reaction to these outer or external stimuli - what is dysfunctional is believing that they are the only source of joy. When we buy into the belief that the only joy or happiness we can experience is dependent upon external circumstances or outside agencies then we are giving power over our relationship with self to the illusions - we are worshiping false gods.. . . . . . In recovery, we start learning how to change our relationship with life so that we can be present in the moment, so that we can own our True Self and our connection to the Source." - Joy2MeU Journal Mini-Newsletter - November 1, 2002
The Transcendent emotional energy of Joy on the other hand has nothing to do with winning or accomplishing - it is about being. About tuning into the Joy that is the Truth of who we really are - Spiritual beings who are part of the Holy Mother Source Energy. It is about the Love that is our True essence. Outside influences can help to remind us of this connection - a sunset, a baby, the Love we see reflected in another's eyes - but the connection is made in the quality of our interaction with that outside influence. It is in being in the moment that we can tune into the Love, Light, and Joy of our connection with everyone and everything.
The quality of our interactions is dependent upon the intellectual paradigm - the attitudes, beliefs, and definitions - that we are empowering to determine our perspective and expectations. Those perspectives and expectations are what dictate the quality of our relationship with life. As we align our intellectual paradigm with the Truth of Unconditional Love, Joy, and Abundance, we change the quality of our relationship with our self and with life.
We can tune into the Transcendent vibrational frequency of Joy even when conditions on the outside appear to be tragic. The more we awaken Spiritually, and enlarge the intellectual paradigm that is dictating our relationship with life, the more freedom we have to feel Joy in any moment of our lives - because that Joy, that Love, is the Real Truth of who we are. The more we let go of taking the illusion personally and seriously, the more we can have the capacity to be happy, Joyous, and free in the moment.
There is nothing wrong with feeling joy at doing, or receiving, or experiencing, on the human level - but the more that we are aligned with Truth, the more we can magnify those moments of joy to include the Joy of being Unconditionally Loved and Lovable. This also helps us stop giving power to the illusion by believing that something or someone outside of us is the source of Joy - the Source is within." - The Dance of the Wounded Souls Trilogy Book 1 History VI"Love is a vibrational frequency. It is our direct channel to The Source. When we can tune into that higher energy vibration we are closer to our True Selves. In The Goddess we are LOVE. LOVE is home. Humans have never felt comfortable in this lower vibrational illusion - we know from a very early age that something is wrong with this place. So we try to alter our consciousness - to raise our vibrational frequency.(At this point in my writing for this section I got carried down a metaphysical tributary stream - that is, I kind of got off of the subject I thought I was going to be addressing and went down another path branching off from the subject. Basically the subject of passion - and the question I thought I was going to be sorting out - the difference between and/or relationship between passion and intensity, went by the wayside. I want to explore this to develop some discernment in my own process to see if I can find ways to figure out if there is an indicator in the amount of intensity I am feeling emotionally that would help me evaluate if I had slipped into a place that was more focused on the horizontal than the vertical.
It is not bad or wrong that you are an alcoholic or drug addict or workaholic or love addict or food addict or whatever - it is just an attempt to go home. We have felt lost and alone and not a part of - and we did whatever we could to try to transform that painful level of consciousness into a higher level. The problem was that those outside means of altering our consciousness are temporary, artificial, and self-destructive. When we look to outer or external sources that interfere with consciousness to alter our consciousness, to make us feel better, we are worshipping false gods, we are giving power to the illusion - we are not owning our True Self and our own inner channel to God.
Now that does not mean there is anything wrong with outer stimulation helping us to access Love. What is dysfunctional is focusing on the outer or external as the source of the Joy. We can combine our energy with a place or a person or a group of people or an animal to form a more powerful energy field which makes it easier to access the higher vibrational Source energy. What outer or external sources can do is reflect back to us the Beauty of who we really are - that is a most powerful way of accessing the Love within ourselves.
We all can do it at times. The easiest place for many of us to access this Love energy is in nature. Watching a beautiful sunset or looking out over a magnificent landscape can make it easy to access the vibrational frequency of Love, Light, Truth, Beauty, and Joy. Small children can help many of us to tune into the Love within us. Music, or other vibrational emanations such as chanting or meditation or movement, can also facilitate this connection. Perhaps in your relationship to your dog or cat or horse, you can find the space to tune into the Love within.
What all of these things - from babies to whales to dancing - have in common is that they help us to be in the moment. It is in the moment that we can access the Love vibrational frequency within us.
It can be relatively easy to access Love and Joy in relationship with nature. It is in our relationships with other people that it gets messy. That is because we learned how to relate to other people in childhood from wounded people who learned how to relate to other people in their childhood." - The True Nature of Love - part 3, Love as a Vibrational Frequency
I mentioned in a previous update that my process was sometimes very intense and that I loved it because after all I am an addict and addicts love intensity. In the processing I am doing in my journal when I have not been working on this Update in the last week, I have discovered that the new me that is being revealed to me because of this transformation I am going through, has a focus of being alive that perhaps doesn't include so much intensity - that is looking for simpler, mellower way of living life. I am actually trying to understand something that has already happened in my process in this past week. A week or so ago the combination of the huge transformation that I was going through in my relationship with myself - that had allowed me to make the Joyous breakthrough to opening my heart - collided with the reality that I might lose the woman I had been looking for all my life just when I had healed enough to be with her, and threw me into intense emotional turmoil. It was excruciatingly painful to the human part of me, an agonizingly cruel twist of fate - that threw me virtually into an emotional breakdown. Like the emotional breakdown that I had in 1988 that led to me going through treatment and breaking through to new levels of consciousness, and a new relationship with my Spiritual adventure - so too this one is taking me someplace better. I am much more centered and grounded in my Spirit today - much more emotionally balanced - than I was less than a week ago. It is a very cool thing, that I will find words to explain one of these days.
More will be revealed about that. The tributary stream that I did go down here is more focused on energy interaction dynamics and their relationship to what I am experiencing - so that is what I am going to share here now.)
Codependency is conditioning that involves having a reversed focus - looking outside for the source instead of within. When we are looking outside for the source, and believing that our energy and power comes from something outside of / external to our being, then we are not so much being passionate as we are being addicts. We were programmed to look outside for self definition and self worth. We were programmed to look externally for energy and power. It is vital in recovery to transition away from our programming of looking outside for the source, to plugging into the Source through our inner channel."Many of the expressions that are in common usage in the language of human interrelationship are incredibly accurate on multiple levels. One such expression is 'giving your power away.' If we are not clear in our relationship with self, if we are reacting to the definitions of self that we learned in childhood, then we are giving power away both literally and figuratively on multiple levels.We were programmed to be outer or external dependent. In recovery we are making gradual process in becoming more internally focused - plugged into The Source - instead of being externally focused looking for the source outside of us. It is a transition. As we grow we make progress in terms of raising and expanding our consciousness vibrationally so that our perspective of this human dance we are doing gradually becomes more aligned with Truth / Spiritual Self than with dysfunctionally programmed ego self. That does not mean we do not still have some reactions out of ego self. We are never going to get to a place where we are perfect in doing this human dance.
The level that most people are not aware of, and that is important for the focus of this column, is energetically. When we give power away to other people because our relationship with self is dysfunctional, we actually allow cords of energy to tie us to those people. These cords (ribbons, cables, tethers, threads, strands) of energy exist on the Etheric plane - which is where the Life Force energy runs through the chakra system.
We can literally be drained of our Life Force by these dysfunctional connections to other people. All of us learned to allow ourselves to both be drained of Life Force by others as well as to steal Life Force energy from others to survive.
We need to steal Life Force energy from others because we are blocked from clearly accessing our own Life Force energy by our dysfunctional relationship with self. Because our inner channel is not clear. In clearing up our inner channel to tune into the higher vibrational emotional energy of Light, Love, Joy, and Truth, we are also accessing our own Life Force energy. (The Life Force energy and the vibrational range of Light, Love, Joy, Truth, and Beauty are not the same thing but they are intimately interrelated.)
So, when I talk about giving our power away on an energetic level, it is an actual drain of energy, of power. Our codependence/ego defense system is set up to help us survive by trying to keep us from being drained of power at the same time it tries to steal energy from outside sources. Since we cannot clearly access the Source energy we have available to us to within, we look externally for sources of power and energy.
Codependency is outer or external dependence. We are dependent on outer or external sources to feed us the energy we need to survive. We make people, places, and things and/or money, property and prestige the Higher Power that we look to as the source of our energy, our power. . . .
. . . . It was impossible for me to start to get clear energetically in my relationships with others and life until I started to have boundaries that told me where I ended and other people began. As long as I believed that I was responsible for other people's feelings and behavior I could not start seeing myself clearly. As long as I was looking to other people for the juice / energy / power to feel OK about myself, I was set up to be a victim and recreate the old patterns. . . .
. . . . . The power / energy / juice that we need comes from within - not from outside. People, places, and things can sometimes help us to access the power that is within us - but they are not the source of that power. The source is within!
It has always come from within - we were just trained to look outside for it because of the reversity of the planets energy field of emotional consciousness has caused human beings to do human backwards. Codependence is a disease of reversed focus - looking externally for that which is available within us.
. . . . . On an energetic level, abandonment means getting unplugged from our energy source. Abandonment feels life-threatening because the cords that bind us to other people, and feed us Life Force energy, gets unplugged and we do not know how to access that energy for ourselves. That is why it is so important to learn to plug in internally, access the Transcendent emotional energy of Love, Light, Joy, and Truth that is available to us within." - The True Nature of Love - part 4, Energetic Clarity
From a vibrational perspective the human growth / recovery process works on the Octave principle. This is something I talked about in my February Update last year."The thing that I wanted to share here about the Spiritual growth process, is that a measure of a person's Spiritual growth, of the level of enlightenment / consciousness they have reached, is not how high they feel when feeling their best, but how high they feel when feeling their worst. . . . .To put this in a context that aligns with what I am going to be sharing in my Newsletter processing I will take this to a very personal level now. In reading about my personal growth process in my writing, it would be possible for someone to read things I wrote in January of 1999 in my article An Adventure in Love - Loving and Losing Successfully (which was the first time I got to experience a romantic relationship without my self worth being at risk) and to think that the grief I was feeling then, the Joy I was feeling then, are the same notes that are playing in my life now. The notes are similar - same type of "do" for instance, but my process now is maybe 20 octaves higher (just to grab a number out of thin air) than the level of consciousness that I was at then. It might seem to an outside observer that the same record is playing again, but it is actually a much different experience - at much higher level of consciousness and integration - in which the same basic human emotional notes are involved.
. . . . As we grow and change our relationship with self and life, we raise the range of our emotional experience of life. There will always be relative highs and lows in our experience of life. . . . . .
. . . . . . In part 3 of the The True Nature of Love series I talk about Love as a vibrational frequency. It was studying Quantum Physics and realizing that life, the whole Universe, is a dance of energy, that not only caused a major paradigm shift for me, but also contributed to the title of my book The Dance of Wounded Souls. When I say we raise the range of our emotional experience of life, I am using that reference to apply to different facets of this process, but on one level it is a reality of vibrational interaction - something I talk about in my Trilogy and mentioned briefly in my series on emotional honesty and responsibility." . . . . . . . our repeating patterns are in fact a reflection of the Octave Principle (do, re, me, fa, etc.) in energy interactions dynamics. In our disease we keep repeating the same octave over and over again - and sometimes even descending to lower octaves. In recovery we are spiraling upward to new levels - so that each "do" feels somewhat like the "do" before it, but in reality reflects a higher vibrational level - a Higher level of consciousness, a more enlightened perspective." - Discernment in relationship to emotional honesty and responsibility 1In recovery, we are spiraling upward on a path of Spiritual awakening - so there is no reason to judge and shame our self for the notes that are playing in our lives today. The times when we are most scared and confused, when we feel we are "falling apart" and "losing it," are the times we are growing the most, the times when we are being raised to a new octave - and the times we most need Love and nurturing. (Loving and Nurturing self on your Spiritual Path) The less we judge and shame our self - and take action to align with Truth - the more our dance starts to harmonize with Love. The more we are willing to clear up our own inner process, the easier it becomes to remember, and tune into, the music of Love and Joy. We are all connected. We are all part of ONE Source Energy. We are all Loved Unconditionally. Our True essence is Love." Joy2MeU Update February 2003
Wow!!! I just ran into something pretty huge here as I was writing along. I am going to need to add another section to this page for what grew out what I thought was going to be a brief note of clarification about the grief I was feeling in 1999.
There are a few more points I want to make here in relationship to the growth process, to romantic relationships, and to Love.
As we make progress in recovery we increase both the percentage of our motivation / intention / consciousness that is aligned with Love and Truth at any given moment - and the percentage of the time during our conscious waking hours that our consciousness is more in alignment with Truth than with dysfunctional ego programming.
However, no matter how many octaves we raise our consciousness we are still here in human body, with a history of wounding that started in our childhood. Our wounds don't go away, they just have less power as we heal. Because I have done a great deal of healing of my inner child wounds, they have relatively very little power compared to the power they used to have, but that doesn't mean I am not going to have reactions out of those wounds some of the time. I catch them sooner and don't give them as much power but they don't go away completely.
We are in the process of healing, of recovery, and we are never going to do human perfectly. That is why it is so important to keep working on not shaming and judging ourselves for our humanity, for our wounds and the defenses our ego adapted to try to protect us. The less we judge and shame ourselves, the more we are being Loving to our self, the more aligned we are with True Self. The more we integrate the vertical into our horizontal dance of life, the less power we give to any of the illusions."In a holistic approach to healing, it is vital to address both dimensions (horizontal and vertical) for a multitude of reasons. The most important in terms of this chapter, has to do with innate reflexes as opposed to conditioned reflexes. On the horizontal level, the innate programming for human beings carries the same priority for humans as does the innate programming of animals - survival. On the vertical level, survival is not the first priority. Our first priority on the vertical, in relationship to our Source - as Spiritual beings having a human experience - is to reconnect with Love, with our Source.We are here to learn to Love - to reconnect with the Truth that Love is our True essence. That begins with healing our relationship with ourselves enough to gradually learn to be more Loving to our self. Our ego programming from childhood is grounded in fear, shame, scarcity, and separation. That ego programming - combined with our emotional wounds - provides lousy dance music.
The survival programming that is innate to our nature as human animals in relationship to the horizontal has been in conflict with our vertical, Spiritual yearning to return home to Love - because planetary conditions caused the illusion that we were disconnected from our Source. This conflict has been at the core of the human dilemma. Planetary conditions have changed in a significant manner in recent history, making it possible for the first time in recorded human history for us to start learning how to integrate the vertical into the horizontal.
A Transformational Healing Process has begun on the planet Earth. Due to a profound change that has taken place in the energy field of Collective Human Emotional Consciousness, resources are now available to us to do healing that has never before been possible in recorded human history. Human beings now, for the first time, have the capacity to directly address the core issues of the human dilemma.
The purpose of codependency recovery and inner child healing is to clear up our relationship with the horizontal - with self and how we relate to everything and everyone in our human environment - so that we can learn how to integrate the Spiritual into the physical and bring some balance and higher meaning to this human dance we are doing. We are here in body at this time to manifest Love into this human experience. We cannot do that without first learning how to access Love for our self. In order to do that, it is necessary to awaken to how the environments we grew up in conditioned us to live life in a way that is dysfunctional in relationship to the Spiritual / vertical component of our being - in a way that does not work to help us reconnect with Love." - Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light Book 2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life Chapter 5: Codependency = conditioned reactive programming
The arena that we have had the most trouble harmonizing with the music of Love and Joy instead of fear and scarcity is in the area of romantic relationships. I say frequently in my writing that romantic relationships are the greatest arena for Spiritual growth available to us. That is because all parts of our being are involved in romantic relationship. All of our deepest wounds and most powerful defenses are in relationship to opening our hearts.
My process is so intense right now because the Universe manifested an incredible miracle in my life. As a perfect part of the major transformation I have been going through, the Universe brought a woman into my life whom I believe is my Twin Soul. The impact that this woman has had on my life, on my growth process, on my ability to open my heart, is the greatest single gift and miracle that I have ever experienced.
I believe that her presence in my life has caused a leap in my growth process of immense proportions - like maybe 5 octaves. Her entry into my life in December was so out of my relationship patterns, was a leap forward in the healing of my relationship patterns at least as huge as that.
In meditating on this yesterday - while walking by the ocean - I came to the conclusion that her presence in my life has doubled my capacity to Love. That is if I was at, say 20% of my capacity in 1999, then I had probably risen to like 30% by the spring of 2003 when I had a brief relationship for the first time since my Loving and Losing successfully one. The processing that I started in October probably raised my capacity to 35% by December. Now I feel like I am at 70%
The vibrational connection I feel with this magnificent feminine being is what has allowed me to Truly open my heart to Love for the first time in my life as an adult to another adult in an intimate romantic relationship. The emotional passion I feel being with her - "be"ing in the moment in her presence - is coming directly from the resonance of my heart and soul with her heart and soul. I am not talking about romantic passion here, or physical chemistry - although both of those are certainly wonderfully and deliciously present and powerful. I am talking about a vibrational connection of harmonic resonance that is sweet and pure and luscious - is richly, deeply, lushly vibrant. We fit together perfectly."You are together because you resonate on the same wave lengths, you fit together vibrationally, in such a way that together you form a powerful energy field that helps both of you access the Higher Vibrational Energy of Love, Joy, Light, and Truth - in a way that would be very difficult for either one of you to do by yourself. You are coming together to touch the face of God. You are uniting your energies to help you access the Love of the Holy Mother Source Energy.She has helped me touch the face of the Goddess in a sublime and magical way. Uniting my energy with hers felt like coming Home to me.
You are not the source of each other's Love. You are helping each other to access the LOVE that is the Source.
The Love that you see when you see your soul in the others eyes is a reflection of the LOVE that you are. Of the Unconditional Love that the Great Spirit feels for you.
It is very important to remember that the other person is helping you to access God's LOVE within you - not giving you something that you have never had before.
It is important to remember that so you can remind yourself that the fear, lack and scarcity messages that will come up - the possessiveness, the jealousy, the clinging, the fear of abandonment and betrayal, the feeling smothered - are coming from the wounded parts of you that got trained and traumatized by this dysfunctional society to view life from fear, lack and scarcity. Those messages are lies - that is the illusion. The True Reality of The Universal Source is Joy, Love, and Abundance.
The Abundance of Love and Joy that you can help each other to feel by coming together - are vibrational levels that you then each will be able to access within yourself. You are helping each other to remember how to access that Love - helping each other to remember what it feels like and that "Yes!" you do deserve it.
It is very important to remember that so that you can Let Go. Let Go of believing that the other person has to be in your life, has to do things in a certain way, has to feel a certain way at a certain time. As long as you believe that the other person is the source of your happiness you will feel compelled to try to control them so that you can stay happy. You can not control them and be happy.
You will need to Let Go. And Let Go, and let go again. On a daily basis. Let go of believing that the other person has to be in a good mood or has to like the same things or wants to do things at the same time. Let go of expecting that they can be there for you in the way you want all of the time. They can't. They are human. No one can meet all of another person's needs. You each need to have resources / friends outside of your relationship. You each need to have parts of your life that aren't dependent upon the other.
You will hurt each other, scare each other, make each other angry. Which will then give you the gift of being able to work through those issues to a deeper level of emotional intimacy.
You have got some stuff to work through - that is both the bad news and the good news. Because as you reach those deeper levels of emotional intimacy your love will deepen and grow in ways in which you can't even imagine. You are boldly going where neither of you has ever been before." - Wedding Prayer/Meditation on Romantic Commitment
This woman's entrance into my life was a perfect part of a transformation that had already begun in my consciousness - but the programming I was still reacting out of early in our relationship was lagging behind the leap in my consciousness. I reacted with fear to the powerful level of connection I felt with her - and ended up sabotaging the relationship.
This is something I explain a little more in my Newsletter. I am writing this page after that one is already done - so won't go into that more now.
The sad, tragic, heart breaking reality is this woman was available to Love me like no one has ever Love me and - in my process of breaking through the inner most fortress of my fear of intimacy defenses so that I could finally open my heart to be available to Love her - I lost her."Certainly I have opened my heart in my writing, in my work with other people. I share my heart and soul on these pages because it is part of my quest to learn to Love myself enough to trust myself to open my heart again on a personal level. It is in an intimate personal relationship with one woman that I have not been able to open my heart. The quest to overcome my terror of intimacy has been at the core of all that I have done in my recovery for over 20 years.She greatly accelerated my process - and I know that meeting me has greatly accelerated her process. It is possible that she may make a shift that will break her through to a place where she will be available to be with me again. I soooo hope and pray that happens. There has never been anything I have wanted more in my life.
So, you can see that it is great and wonderful news indeed that last month - in late February 2004 - I opened my heart completely for the third time in my life. What Joy and Bliss to finally experience what it feels like to Truly Love another human being. What an incredible, miraculous gift. What a huge reward for being committed and willing to do my work.
However the courage that it took me to follow my path, to reach this towering summit of achievement, is but a drop of water in the ocean in comparison with the courage I must access now. Because now that I have finally triumphed over the monstrous beast, now I must let go of the woman I Love. I opened my heart completely, unconditionally, without reservation - once I made the monumental shift that broke through the final barriers of my terror of intimacy - and now I may have lost her. Right at this moment in time, she is no longer available to me - and may never be again." Joy2MeU Journal Dance 31 March 21st, 2004 (not yet published)
I often feel like my Higher Power has a twisted sense of humor. There have been moments lately where it has felt downright cruel and sadistic. To be reunited with my Twin Soul so that I could break through to opening up to Love - only to lose her. On a human level this has not been a fun experience. It has been very painful and intense.
The pain and intensity with which I have been feeling the grief has at times caused me to slip out of my recovering adult consciousness and back into the types of desperate inner child reactions that have caused me to act like a relationship addict for short periods of time.
Ironically, paradoxically, perfectly from the perspective of the twisted sense of humor of my Higher Power, those times when I have lost it have been a perfect part of her growth process. She has gotten the opportunity to confront me about my codependent behavior - the opportunity to own her anger and set boundaries with me.
So, my behavior that was very scary to her, may be part of her process of owning her self more so that she can access more Love for herself - so that she can then make a shift to where she can again open her heart to me. Or not.
You can see why I sometimes get irritated with my Higher Power. You can also see that I am accessing a pretty amazing level of serenity in relationship to something that seems to the human part of me to be the greatest tragedy and injustice that has ever befallen me.
There are certainly moments where I fall out of faith and into agony - but those moments are shorter as I evolve and grow day by day, as I let go and surrender. It is safe to say that my process is very, very accelerated right now and that where I am today is a great advance from where I was last week at this time. Today I am more mature and centered than I was yesterday. Right now, at 4:12 AM March 26th 2004, I am wiser than I was when I started writing at midnight.
I do not know what the outcome of this adventure is going to be. I will feel great and rapturous Joy if she decides to give me another chance. I will be in deep grief and agonizing torture for months to come if she decides that not coming back to me is what is right for her on her path.
I do not want to face those weeks and months of torture. But I will if that is what I need to do. And I can do it a little bit easier now because of the Wow! interruption my Higher Power ambushed me with above - which I will explain below.
I am just going to wrap this up by saying emphatically and with crystal clarity, that it is better to Love and lose than never Love. Thank you a million, billion, trillion times over my Love for coming to me in this lifetime and helping me to open my heart. I know that we will be together again sometime, someplace.
My Luscious Twin Soul has helped me to transport myself to a level of Loving and being capable of Love that is wondrous. I so hope we can explore this connection between us and learn and grow together for the rest of this lifetime. I will be devastated if we can't - but will accept it as a perfect part of my path if it is necessary. I will accept the future as it is presented to me without trying to change the Great Spirit's plan, because I Know with absolute certainty that a Loving Divine Plan is unfolding perfectly in my life - and I surrender to it unconditionally.
Dragonfly replied, "You must be willing to accept whatever the future holds as it is presented, without trying to change the Great Spirit's plan." Swan looked at her ugly little duckling body and then answered, "I will be happy to abide by Great Spirit's plan. I won't fight the currents of the black hole. I will surrender to the flow of the spiral and trust what I am shown." Dragonfly was very happy with Swan's answer and began to spin the magic to break the pond's illusion. Suddenly, Swan was engulfed by a whirlpool in the center of the pond.
Swan reappeared many days later, but now she was graceful and white and long-necked. Dragonfly was stunned! "Swan what happened to you!" he exclaimed. Swan smiled and said, "Dragonfly, I learned to surrender my body to the power of Great Spirit and was taken to where the future lives. I saw many wonders high on Sacred Mountain and because of my faith and my acceptance I have been changed. I have learned to accept a state of Grace."
The grief I was feeling then - in 1999 - was about my Twin Soul, so is coming from the same core wound that the grief I am feeling now is - but at a much more refined, amplified, and clear level of connection because there is much less static and interference from the ego-programming / critical parent voice.
Now for the Wow
This is one of those good news bad news things.
The good news is that I am at a much higher level of consciousness, the bad news is that never have a I felt that grief - the heart searing torment over the loss of my other half - in such an intensely pure, unrefined, raw manner. That leads to the next good news, which is that owning, feeling, and healing that wound - my personal original wound - from the much higher level of consciousness that I have attained in the last few weeks, allows me to take it much less seriously and personally. This is a huge step in letting go of attachment to the illusions of this Illusion.
And as I have gotten in touch with in my writing here today, I have made huge strides in this direction just this week - may have increased that capacity to Love by some more percentage points just in this last week.
What caused the Wow, was me seeing that my willingness to surrender to the Divine Plan in these circumstances has not only been a huge step for me in healing my personal original wound - but was also a stride forward in healing the original wound of human kind.
My ongoing willingness to take action in aligning with giving less power to the illusion of separation on such a very real, literal, concrete, human, three dimensional, physical level of this Illusion, on the level of being willing to surrender to the Divine Plan even if it means being separated from my Twin Soul again - a real live, warm blooded, magnificent woman being whose arms I ache to be in right this moment and not some abstract theoretical concept - will impact the collective consciousness in a way that moves all of humanity a tiny bit further in the shift to aligning with, tuning in to, the Truth of Love. A pebble in the Cosmic pond that will add ripples to the building momentum necessary to reach the point of critical mass which will start the transformation that will erase polarity from the lower mind and start manifesting Cosmic Consciousness into that Energy Field of Collective Human Intellectual Consciousness.
How amazingly cool is that!!!!!!!
I have the honor and privilege in this lifetime of being a mystical messenger - I am an Imo."I believe that this is a New Age. That an Age of Healing & Joy has dawned in human consciousness on this planet. I believe that ultimately the Absolute Truth is that we are all ONE - that we are all connected in LOVE. On my web page entitled The New Age - An Age of Healing & Joy I share quotes from my book about my beliefs - about the understanding of Truth which I have been given.As I open my heart to myself (which is what I mean when I tell my Twin Soul that she blew up my life - that is she blew up my heart defenses) and learn to forgive myself for my humanness and open myself to allowing Light and Love to manifest in my life, I help others to own the Light within them.
Any single soul's evolution, its awakening, affects all souls because we are all connected. We can, like Imo the genius monkey, create a space, create a new level - a new aspect - of consciousness that other humans then have access to. It is not any accident that most great inventions, most great breakthroughs, were formulated in more than one location in the same time period. Once one breaks through and creates the space, others may follow.
This particular quote from my book refers to the Hundredth Monkey Principle, which I explain in the excerpt from my book that I share on that page. Imo is the name of the monkey who created the new aspect of consciousness for the rest of the monkeys of her species. My mission in this lifetime has been to be one of the "Imo"s in the Transformational Healing Process that has begun on planet Earth. The reason that I was chosen for, and chose, this particular mission was because of the Karma I needed to settle. . . . . It is not because I am better than, or farther along than, anyone else. Each of us is perfectly where we are supposed to be, doing perfectly what we are supposed to be doing. Even if your path only involves healing your relationship with your self in private without ever sharing it with others (not really possible since we all share with the people whose lives we touch rather we know it or not) - you are still contributing to the healing of the planet. Anyone's healing affects us all, everyone's healing impacts the whole - because we are all connected." - Investment Opportunity in: Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls (that page is now called Future Publications)
And what is so cool to me, is that when the Wow interruption led me to including this quote about Imo, it also showed me that my desire for a simpler life was entirely possible. I have always been afraid to come out of hiding and really let my Light shine because I was afraid it would mean that I would have become famous - or infamous depending on who would be reacting to my beliefs. I would rather burn at the stake again than do the celebrity thing in this sick culture of media vultures.
What reading my words - in telling others that they don't have to be doing something obvious, being a teacher or writer or healer or whatever, to contribute to planetary healing - did was help me see that I possibly can have what I always wanted. That is, a simple life with a woman I Love who Loves me back. I don't necessarily have to have an intense, dramatic life to accomplish my mission. Hurrah! Maybe, just maybe, my dream will come true. Please God. Please, please, please, because the other alternative, that I have lost her and am facing months of agonizing grief is almost unbearable to contemplate. If it happens however, I will make it through it, one day at a time, working my recovery program - and it will be intense and internally dramatic but perhaps a little less so because of my growth this week.
So, I am taking this Wow thing as a message from my Higher Power not to give up hope - that everything is unfolding perfectly and that maybe now, finally, after so many years of isolation, my dream will come true - in the way I want it to happen or in a way that is somehow better.
Again I teach best what I need most to learn. I wrote that section on March 27th 2001 - or rather I posted it that day, so probably wrote it exactly 3 years ago so that I could read it early this morning and find a little more freedom and courage in facing what I am facing in my life. Is my process cool or what?!?!
Or maybe I am finally having the psychotic break that I was concerned about in 1989 when I was writing the beginning of my Trilogy."What I had been asking, demanding, pleading, begging, praying for was some definite outward manifestation that would confirm for me that what I was experiencing was real. I had experienced hundreds of small miracles of many varieties, but there was still a small part of my mind that kept telling me that what was happening was a psychotic break and that I was crazier than a bedbug. It seemed to me that if I had really been chosen to be a channel for all of this divine information, that it should not be too much trouble for someone, or something, to appear to me and let me know that I was not crazy." - The Dance of the Wounded Souls Trilogy Book 1 - "In The Beginning . . ." Chapter 1As usual, more will be revealed.
"What I know now is that when it feels like shit that means that I am being fertilized to help me grow. I am so very grateful to God for all the wonderful fertilizer that has been poured on me over the years." - Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
Spiritual Belief System Pages Index Metaphysical Pages Index Alcoholism Pages Index
Miscellaneous Topics Pages Index Romantic Relationships Pages Index Information Pages Index