|To all the Magnificent
Spiritual Beings who find their way to this page on my web site - including,
of course, those of you on my e-mailing list,
So hello. It has been quite a while since my last Update. It always takes me a period of time to get back into my writing after I have taken a break from my regular routine. This happens regularly after my annual summer time period spent with my son - and to a lesser degree in early December after I take a trip to Phoenix over Thanksgiving to spend time with my son at my parents winter home.
This year my son was with me from late May until late in June. It is now almost the last week of August and I just now seem to be getting back into my writing rhythm. That is - in part - because I spent most of the first 3 weeks of July focused on trying to work things out in the relationship experience that I shared about in my March Update - and the month after that was spent in some intense grieving for the loss of that relationship. Processing through the levels of that grief led me to some insights that are very exciting because they helped me to reach a deeper understanding of some of the invaluable lessons and gifts that this relationship experience has brought me in 2004.
Those insights also helped me see more clearly the other part of the reason - besides the deep grieving that I have been doing - that I have not been able to get into my focused writing space for so long. They have helped to see more clearly how my relationship with my writing has changed because of the major transformation that has been unfolding in my life this year.
"I went through a transformation that brought me to critical mass in relationship to the issue of Loving and being Loved - and a paradigm shift manifested that changed my core ego programming.My life has Truly been transformed here in 2004 - and I am just starting to explore what it is going to look like in the coming weeks and months, what my new routine is going to be. This what I call a More Will Be Revealed time - a time of venturing into the unknown.
I will share some about that transformation - and my experiences this year in the Newsletter portion of this Update. I am mentioning it here at the beginning of this Update in part to explain why this Update is a few months later than it was scheduled to be published - and why I have added so little to the web site in recent months. My plan to bring out these Updates quarterly has been blown away for this year - which is again a wonderful reminder to me how important it is to be able to surrender my plans and not let my ego try to force my will on life, or let it beat me up for not being able to control life. In the first issue of my Joy2MeU Journal I shared a new insight that had been presented to me about my perspective of my "plans."
"More Will Be Revealed about how this is all going to unfold . . . . . I was talking to someone the other day and really liked how I said something (this sort of thing happens a lot - when I listen to myself consciously I learn. It was a little over 15 years ago when I first realized that I could consciously "move" my ego-self aside and allow myself to be a clear channel for my Higher Self / The Spirit.)One of the effects of the transformation that has taken place / is taking place in my life is that this year, there are only going to be 3 Updates instead of 4. This web site, my writing and my work, are no longer the first priority in my life. That is something I could not have conceived of at the beginning of 2004 - even though the amazing woman being that was the catalyst of my transformation was already in my life at that time and helped me to greet the New Year in a way that seemed to mark the beginning a great year. It has been a great year so far - but not in any way I could have imagined when it started. And I certainly had no idea how painful it was going to be. I will share about the change in my priorities in the Newsletter portion of this web site.
The new pages of original writing that I have added to the site since the March Update are directly related to what has been happening in my life. That includes 9 pages of processing about the transformation that was taking place which I posted at the beginning of June in the personal journal portion of my Joy2MeU Journal - and a special page called Assignments for Jump Starting Codependency Recovery that is proving very helpful to a lot of people. I also added 7 articles - originally published as part of my suite 101 series focused on issues involving gender, sexuality, romantic relationships, and directly related topics - as pages of Joy2MeU.com.
The major news that I have to share is that I am going to be doing a 2 day workshop in Ontario Canada on October 1st and 2nd. I am very excited about this opportunity - and will get to see Niagara Falls while I am there.
The other major news since the last Update is that Suite 101 has published my series of articles on inner child healing in an E-Book Inner Child Healing - The Path to Empowerment, Inner Peace, and Freedom from the Past.
I have added three new batches of wonderful Testimonials for the book, tapes, and web site and 3 times added Testimonials to the Telephone Counseling Testimonials page - and also added feedback several times about new Journal pages on Journal Testimonial page. All of the additions and changes are listed in the right hand column.
New: I have added a recent picture of myself to the New page - and I received an e-mail from Diane at Hampton Roads Publishing Company to let me know that the Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul by Richard Bach has just been published (info on New page and Joy2MeU Bookstore page.)
Nine pages added to my personal journal in the Joy2MeU Journal.
Seven articles originally published on suite 101 were added as pages on this site: (Listed here in the order they were originally published instead of the order they were added to the site.)
Suite 101 has published my
Three new batch of wonderful Testimonials for the book, tapes, and web site.
Some feedback about new Journal pages on Journal Testimonial page
New resources have been added to the Referral to local Therapist / Counselors page in Arizona and Australia.
Two new selection of diversified and interesting looking links were added.
Energetic Attraction - emotional familiarity or Karmic connection?
Emotional Intimacy = in to me see
Fear of Intimacy - Relationship Phobia
A romantic tragedy / a Spiritual Transformation
Enjoying the Journey - a Birthday Miracle
This is the 22nd Update I have written for this Joy2MeU.com site of mine since I launched it in February 1999 - and prior to that I wrote 5 Newsletters for my original Joy to You & Me web site on silcom.com which I launched a year earlier. In the very first Newsletter for that original web site, a comment I made about about one of the articles I had added to the site caused me to share some fundamental philosophy of my recovery. This philosophy is the cornerstone at the foundation of my work - both in terms of my counseling work and my writing - because it is part of the foundation of my recovery, of my Spiritual Path. Here is what I wrote in my first internet Newsletter.
"I added a new page Grief, Love, & Fear of Intimacy which is a quite personal article about the first time I did some deep grief work. Here is a quote from it.
This quote is incredibly perfect and appropriate to use in this Update for multiple reasons. I have not previously shared - here on my regular web site - at a more deeply personally intimate level than I did in my March Update. In sharing how my codependency caused me to sabotage the best relationship experience I have ever had, I certainly demonstrated how imperfect and humanly flawed I am, and served as a role model for the reality that codependency recovery is an ongoing process - and how incredibly powerful codependent defenses / fear of intimacy issues are in romantic relationships."With great heaving sobs, tears pouring down my cheeks, and snot running out my nose, I had my first experience with deep grief work. I did not know anything about the process at the time I just knew that somehow that wounded little boy was still alive inside of me."I had to chuckle a little as I wrote above that this article was personal since all of my work is personal. I really believe in sharing my experience, strength, and hope. I had to quit writing for a paper I used to write monthly columns for because the publisher/editor kept trying to change my copy - she would want to change 'I' to 'they' and things like that - because she said that I was supposed to sound strong and powerful and not be vulnerable. I told her that part of the dysfunction in our codependent society was trying to "keep up appearances" and be emotionally dishonest - but she obviously didn't get it.
Another incident also comes to mind. I had just started in a therapist position at an outpatient chemical dependence program in Van Nuys California a little over 10 years ago. One evening in a Family Group I was talking about how grateful I was to be in recovery and I teared up - I didn't cry, just teared up. The next week the Clinical Director came marching into our office and needed to talk to me about something he was quite disturbed about. He proceeded to lecture me about getting emotional in front of the clients - this psychiatrist who was on anti-depressants because he was suicidal over a relationship breakup - warned me to never let it happen again. I was not far enough along in my recovery at that point to confront him but I do remember thinking to myself - "Then who is supposed to be the role models?"
The thing that was the most damaging to us was the role modeling of the emotionally crippled adults we grew up around - the role modeling is what taught us the dysfunctional definitions of who we are as emotional beings. It is vitally important, in my opinion, that we have some beings who are willing to role model what emotionally healthy behavior is - which includes being emotionally vulnerable at times.
Traditional therapy/counseling in this society is set up as a one up/one down situation - that is the therapist is set up as the expert who treats the poor unfortunate patient. I happen to agree with something Ram Dass once said about this - "If you meet a therapist who thinks you are the patient - run!"
There were two interrelated things that I had to get clear about when I started working as a therapist: One is that I am powerless over other people - over the pace of their progress, over whether they hear what I am saying to them, over where their path leads. I watched a good friend die of Alcoholism (The Death of an Alcoholic) and saw how clearly he helped other alcoholics stay sober because he couldn't - he did more to keep more people sober than many of the sober people I know. I can't know what someone elses' path is - therefore I can't tell them what is right and wrong - what I do is help them see themselves clearer (especially as to understanding how their childhood experiences have dictated their lives), see their choices and the possible consequences clearer, and know that we are Spiritual Beings going to boarding school not taking a test - the lesson we are learning is how to Love - and we can't fail because we are Unconditionally Loved by/part of the Great Spirit / God / Goddess no matter what - so it is OK to forgive ourselves for being human and treat ourselves in more Loving ways.
Which brings me to the second thing, which I believe is a Spiritual Truth - I teach best what I need most to learn. I teach people how to Love themselves because I am trying to learn how to Love myself. I learned to always listen to what I was saying because, though I have no control whether anyone else hears me, I do have the power to choose to hear myself - and there is always something in what I am saying that applies to me and my process in that moment. I had someone in a workshop say to me one time "Boy, you really know this stuff! You have really studied this, you are kind of like an Olympic athlete or something in this area." My immediate reaction - as it so often is - was to react out of my disease: "That's because I was so sick." But then I caught myself and changed it to wounded. All of the old souls who are doing this healing - in my belief - were born at a heart chakra level of consciousness and then had to shut down our hearts. That is why it hurts so much - we were expecting something kinder and gentler than what we were born into - I have always felt like I was in the wrong place - like someone screwed up in the Transporter room and beamed me to the wrong planet.
I am in process just as my clients are - just as we all are. There is no hierarchy as far as I am concerned - just one wounded person/Magnificent Spiritual Being sharing what has worked for me with another wounded person/Magnificent Spiritual Being. I am doing what I need to do for myself, to heal myself - it doesn't have to do with anyone else - that it helps other people is just a bonus (and an opportunity to settle Karma)." - Joy to You & Me Newsletter I - July 1, 1998
And I have learned more about Love in 2004 than I have in any year - and in all the years cumulatively - since I started my recovery on January 3, 1984. I was able to open up my heart to Love this year in a incredibly awesome way that allowed me to experience Love on a level that I had only theoretically known was possible previously. I was able to break through my terror of intimacy defenses because of my own courage and willingness - and because the Universe brought into my life an amazing woman whom I believe is my Twin Soul. Unfortunately, the process of breaking through those defenses caused me to sabotage the relationship.
"I recently had the gift of being involved in a romantic relationship that helped me to open my heart in a way that I had never before been capable of doing in this lifetime. Unfortunately, when we first got involved I was still reacting to old tapes that I hadn't yet been able to stop giving some power to. Those old tapes caused me to sabotage - and then end - the most Loving and nurturing relationship I have ever been involved in.In the personal journal I share in my Joy2MeU Journal I wrote over 100,000 words as I was processing about what was happening in my life as this major transformation was unfolding. I believe that it was a milestone transformation in my path that ranks right behind getting sober and with going through treatment for codependency in 1988 in terms of how much it is going to change my life.
I got some intuitive messages that something wasn't right with relationship, that something needed to change - and I realized that I wasn't emotionally invested in it. I decided that I couldn't in fairness to her continue - and reacting out of the black and white extremes of the disease decided I needed to end it.
It was only after ending it that I was able to get in touch with the fact that what needed to change was me. Recognizing what I had done was the shock to my system that I needed to look at and start changing the old tapes that were blocking me from opening my heart. I was then able to open my heart to Loving myself and the other person in Truly magnificent ways.
She however, who had been totally committed to the relationship as long as I was still somewhat emotionally unavailable, was afraid of my new capacity to Love. She hadn't opened her heart to herself yet, so she was afraid of me being available to Truly Love her in healthier ways that she had ever known - in healthier ways than I had ever been capable of. In the attempts we made to reconnect, she kept reacting to her old tapes that told her that she was not deserving of my love, that she would fail me if she gave me another chance to be in relationship with her." - A romantic tragedy / a Spiritual Transformation
"That is the miracle in my life that has changed my life forever. . . . That is the magnitude of change that has occurred in my life. And though she is the one I want to be my life partner, though she is the being who is a special package of all the things I want in a relationship - that capacity to open my heart is not just possible in relationship to her. What she brought to me was a revelation of who I am in a way that has allowed me to Love myself more than ever - and that has helped me discover and own my capacity to Love.(In writing in the personal recovery journal that I share in my Joy2MeU Journal, I share the evolution of my process as it unfolds - thus, the comments in a different color are added some days or even weeks after my original entries. In that journal one of the critical passages in February - that was a catalyst in the transformation I experienced - was figuring out a pseudonym to use in that journal for the woman that I believe is my Twin Soul. The name I came up with was Luscious Lover. However since I didn't come up with that name until after I had broken off the relationship with her in early February, for most of the period I was writing for that journal last spring it was more appropriate to call her my Luscious Love - with the r for romance removed. We only got back together as a romantic couple twice briefly after the break up, so we were actually Lovers for less than a week cumulatively out of the 4 1/2 month period that we were interacting following the break up. This was the most intensely emotionally intimate relationship I have ever experienced but it was not a romantic relationship per se for the majority of the time we were involved in a personal relationship.)
So, it is not just her that I can Truly Love now. Knowing her has opened me up to being more Loving in all my relationships. That could include a special romantic relationship if another woman - that I have a strong Vibrational connection to / is a soul mate of mine, who will be somehow be as remarkable and beautiful of mind, body, soul and heart in her own way as my Luscious Love - be destined to meet me on my path. But it was uniquely, and specifically Her, the magnificent Spiritual being that only my Luscious Love is - that was the one who held the key to opening my heart. She is the only one that held that key. (Because she is my Twin Soul.)
She is not the source of the Love and bliss that I accessed. She is someone who vibrationally matched up, fit together, with me in a way that helped me to reconnect with the Source - to more fully connect with my True Self. She is on the same wave length with me vibrationally - and that is why she helped me to access Love in a way that had never before been possible for me. Rather she is my Twin Soul or a soul mate, she is certainly someone who vibrational fit with me in a way that helped me to access what it feels like to tune into the feeling of being Home. (As I have noted, there is no doubt in my mind now - or my heart or soul - that She is in fact my Twin Soul.) It is very sad that she may not ever be available to me again so that we can combine our vibrational essence in a way that helps us to access the Source - and it is very sad that she was / is not in touch with her own heart and soul enough to have been able to consciously own and honor our vibrational connection (she has owned and honored it in a way by continuing to stay in contact however) - but it is a wondrous gift that she came into my life to help me to Know what is possible, to discover what I am capable of. She helped me to open my heart and that is the miracle and the gift I shall always be immensely grateful for having experienced in my relationship with Her." - Joy2MeU Journal My Unfolding Dance 37 May 1st, 2004 (Comments added May 5th or prior are in this color, while those added May 12th & 14th are in italics.)
As with everything that happens within the dance of duality / polarity that is this Illusion of human experience, this gift is both good news and bad news on different levels - because every silver lining does have a cloud that goes with it, just as every cloud has a silver lining. No matter how enlightened a being becomes, no matter how high one raises their consciousness, there is still going to be pain and grief to deal with as long as we are in human body. I believe that any "spiritual teacher" that claims to have transcended feeling the grief that it an inherent part of this human experience is in denial of their humanity and being emotionally dishonest. There is always going to be pain, but as we learn to stop allowing our self worth to be invested in our relationships with anyone / anything outside of us / external to our being, then we have less attachment to the Illusion - we learn to not take it personally, to not judge and shame and blame ourselves for our humanity and our human experiences.
It was in the winter 1998/9 that I first had the opportunity to experience getting my heart broken without my sense of self worth involved.
"So, there is pain but there is much more Joy and gratitude. It Truly is a completely different experience to have a relationship where my self-worth is not at risk - that is the pay off for the Spiritual belief system that says we can't screw it up and there is no shame - if my self-worth is not at risk then another person can only add to me, they have no power to diminish me. What a gift." - An Adventure in Romance - Loving and Losing SuccessfullyThe woman who I believe is my Twin Soul added greatly / immensely to my life this year. She Truly enhanced the quality of my life without diminishing it, or me, in any way. The pain I feel at the loss of her in my life is because of the absence of something wonderful from my life that I had never experienced before her entrance into my life. I am now missing something that I had never had before in this lifetime - but I have been opened up to experiencing it again now that she served as a catalyst to blast through my fear of intimacy defenses. If, as I now believe is probably the case, there is a Soul Mate of mine who is going to come into my life now, that Soul Mate is going to benefit greatly from all the lessons I have learned in the relationship with my Twin Soul. I believe that this Soul Mate will be able to allow herself to be Loved in a way the woman who is my Twin Soul has not been able to because she has not opened her heart to herself yet.
My level of consciousness is incredibly higher now than it was in 1999. Which means I have much much less attachment to the Illusion - much less investment of my self worth in anything outside of me. That means I don't take her "rejection" of my Love personally most of the time - although, of course, it felt intensely personal at times. Having internal boundaries between the mental and emotional means that I can feel like something is a personal rejection emotionally but Know that it is not mentally. I Know that the reason my Twin Soul ran away from my Love, is not a rejection of who I am - it is a reaction to her wounds, a result of her fear of intimacy and shame about her being from her childhood that she has not yet been willing / able to heal.
It still hurts like hell though. I still reacted in the moment as if it were personal at times. I still got caught up in reacting out of my codependency because she was reacting out of her codependency - or because I was in fear that she was going to react again. I acted insane at times because my wounds were being triggered by her behavior. It is messy learning how to interact with another human being on an intimate level because we are all wounded. It is necessary to be willing to go through the messy emotional stuff to learn how to have emotional intimacy. I am very grateful that she was willing to go through it as much as she did for as long as she did.
So, now I am grieving - I am feeling the emotional pain of a broken heart. I am grieving not just for this relationship, but for all the times my heart has been broken and my dreams have been shattered. And I am experiencing the pain in a way that is more pure and passionate than I ever have before - because my heart is more open and accessible to me than ever before.
"I have for the first time in my life, Truly opened up to Loving another being from a gut level, with all my heart and soul.The good news is that I have experienced opening my heart to Love - and the Joy and Bliss have been exquisite. The bad news is that the pain has been exquisite also.
The level of pain and ecstasy set off by writing that last sentence, brought up grief to a depth that compels me to get up and move around the room as animal like moans of tormented pain escape my lips. The almost unearthly lament of my wounded soul as it breaks free from it's codependent shackles (the bondage of ego self) and begins to soar on the wings of Joy and Love and Bliss. It is ecstasy to access that Love - and that very ecstasy brings up the searing pain of having been deprived of it for so long." - Joy2MeU Newsletter March 2004 - Opening to Love
"The grief I was feeling then - in 1999 - was about my Twin Soul, so is coming from the same core wound that the grief I am feeling now is - but at a much more refined, amplified, and clear level of connection because there is much less static and interference from the ego-programming / critical parent voice.I have been given the gift of contributing to the planetary healing process through the grieving that I have been doing, through the ongoing process of being willing to keep working on being willing to let go of my Twin Soul and surrender to the Divine Plan even though it means not being with her in this lifetime. This last 6 months has been the most purely painful period in my recovery. It has not, however, been the most difficult time in my recovery - or even the most difficult time since I started writing for the internet. The most difficult time was in 1999 when I was homeless.
This is one of those good news bad news things.
The good news is that I am at a much higher level of consciousness, the bad news is that never have a I felt that grief - the heart searing torment over the loss of my other half - in such an intensely pure, unrefined, raw manner. That leads to the next good news, which is that owning, feeling, and healing that wound - my personal original wound - from the much higher level of consciousness that I have attained in the last few weeks, allows me to take it much less seriously and personally. This is a huge step in letting go of attachment to the illusions of this Illusion. . . . .
. . . . My ongoing willingness to take action in aligning with giving less power to the illusion of separation on such a very real, literal, concrete, human, three dimensional, physical level of this Illusion, on the level of being willing to surrender to the Divine Plan even if it means being separated from my Twin Soul again - a real live, warm blooded, magnificent woman being whose arms I ache to be in right this moment and not some abstract theoretical concept - will impact the collective consciousness in a way that moves all of humanity a tiny bit further in the shift to aligning with, tuning in to, the Truth of Love. A pebble in the Cosmic pond that will add ripples to the building momentum necessary to reach the point of critical mass which will start the transformation that will erase polarity from the lower mind and start manifesting Cosmic Consciousness into that Energy Field of Collective Human Intellectual Consciousness." - Joy2MeU Newsletter March 2004 - Metaphysical addendum page
"I spent 6 months in 1999 being homeless. Not on the street homeless - I had an office for my computer - but crashing on someone's couch kind of homeless. The lessons in acceptance and patience and letting go that I learned during that time were sacred gifts. The level of faith that it forced me to access and practice, the depth to which I was forced to integrate my Spiritual belief system into my relationship with life, was a manifestation of Love from my Higher Power that I am now - and have been - reaping great benefits from.This has not been as difficult as being homeless, but it has felt like sadistic torture at times because there was such incredible Joy involved - and it was such a sublime experience to open my heart to Love. For the first time in my life I felt Love for another being on a level of reality that was Truly a transcendent experience. It was because I opened my heart to Love and then had it broken that it has felt sadistic and cruel. Because of experiencing Loving and being Loved at levels I have never before experienced them - because of the Joy involved - I am sometimes crying and sobbing because of pain, and sometimes because of Joy and gratitude. I mentioned in my March Update that our reaction to Joy and pain can look the same to someone seeing us sobbing and crying:
Don't get me wrong, I do not want to be homeless again - or keep driving a car on it's last legs. But I am willing to accept the reality of my path as it is presented to me and make the best of it. There is a level of my being that is human, that is self-centered and selfish and hates to be inconvenienced by disruption of my plans for me - that feels like it is grossly unfair that: I haven't been richly rewarded materially on this physical plane; that I don't have an intimate relationship to support and nurture me; that I don't have a reliable car; etc. But that human part of me is not the level of my being that is defining my life for me today, that is dictating my perspectives and expectations of life. My relationship with life today, the music I am dancing to, is aligned much more with Spiritual Self - because that is what I have found works best, because it allows me to relax and enjoy life most of the time." - Joy2MeU Update January 2002 Newsletter 1
"And as I mentioned some place else in my writing, one of the puzzles of this human experience we are having is that we react the same way to both intense pain and intense Joy - by sobbing and crying." March 2004 UpdateIn my processing about this relationship experience in my journal I actually got in touch with why this is true in a metaphysical sense.
"The reason that sobbing while doing the inner child healing is so important and powerful is that we are releasing pent up grief from the past. The reason we sob and cry when we feel Joy is because we are getting hit with a blast of powerful, higher vibrational, transcendent energy. It is kind of like it overloads our circuits for a moment." - Joy2MeU Journal My Unfolding Dance 32 March 29th 2004I have learned to be more Loving to myself and others in every year I have been in recovery in all areas - but romantic relationships were one area where I was still a relative novice because of the relationship phobia that I have had in my adult life. I had learned, and knew, a great deal about relationship dynamics and how to be healthier in relationships on a theoretical level, but had not ever experienced an emotionally intimate relationship to the depths and with the authentic experiential reality of my Romantic Adventure here in 2004.
As I have said in other places in my writing about romantic relationships - the only way to really learn how to do a romantic relationship is to be in one. And as I also say often - I believe that romantic relationships are the greatest arena for spiritual and emotional growth available to us because those are the relationships that involve every level of our being. Which also means that I believe that anyone who is trying to attain higher consciousness and enlightenment in a way that includes celibacy is taking the easier, softer way - and is denying a fundamental, vital element of their humanity. It takes a great deal of courage to consciously - as opposed to addictively - take the risk of Loving and losing in a romantic relationship. Being serene and happy and tuned into Joy a great deal of the time is relatively much easier when alone - when one does not have a personal heart investment in an actual imperfect wounded person who is present to push one's buttons / trigger the fear of intimacy defenses.
The way to Truly grow spiritually and emotionally in a substantial manner is to be willing to go through the messy emotional stuff.
"If you have ever wondered why it is so much easier to feel Spiritual in relationship to nature or animals, here is your answer. It was people who wounded us in childhood. It is people who our egos developed defense systems to protect us from.It seems much easier in the short run to live in isolation. It is possible for someone to fool themselves into believing that their pet(s) can meet their emotional intimacy needs, and nature can help them meet their spiritual connection needs - and that they are better off without a messy intimate relationship with another person. But there is a price to pay for not being willing to take the risk of opening one's heart. We are here to learn to open our hearts, to reconnect with Love - and there is no arena that serves as a better catalyst for learning to open our hearts than a romantic relationship with another human being. It is a gift to have someone who is willing to help us learn how to be emotionally intimate with a romantic partner.
I have told people for years, that the only reason to do inner child healing work is if we are going to interact with other people. If one is going to live in isolation on a mountain top meditating, it will be fairly easy to feel Spiritually connected. It is relating to other human beings that is messy." - Reprogramming our dysfunctional ego defenses
I had the incredible gift this year of having an amazing woman in my life whose soul compelled her to engage with me in this arena so that I could get an advanced, intensive course in emotional intimacy with another human being. One of the things that happened when my son and I were home in June for my fathers 80th birthday celebration, is that I saw on a new level what a reflection I was of my father in ways that I hadn't seen as clearly before. I have known for many years that my father was an emotional cripple. What I saw this year - because of having opened my heart to myself on new levels back in February and March - was what an emotional cripple I have been for most of my life. It was really painful to see.
"I have gone through my life without being capable of opening my heart. I have gone through my life as an emotional cripple in affairs of the heart.As it turned out I didn't lose her completely until the Monday before my birthday on July 23rd. And then in a recovery miracle, I was able to spend a memorable and mostly enjoyable birthday with her, knowing it was possibly the last time I was going to see her. Truly a miracle!
Certainly I have opened my heart in my writing, in my work with other people. I share my heart and soul on these pages because it is part of my quest to learn to Love myself enough to trust myself to open my heart again on a personal level. It is in an intimate personal relationship with one woman that I have not been able to open my heart. The quest to overcome my terror of intimacy has been at the core of all that I have done in my recovery for over 20 years.
So, you can see that it is great and wonderful news indeed that last month - starting in late February 2004 - I opened my heart completely for the third time in my life. What Joy and Bliss to finally experience what it feels like to Truly Love another human being. What an incredible, miraculous gift. What a huge reward for being committed and willing to do my work.
However the courage that it took me to follow my path, to reach this towering summit of achievement, is but a drop of water in the ocean in comparison with the courage I must access now. Because now that I have finally triumphed over the monstrous beast, now I must let go of the woman I Love. I opened my heart completely, unconditionally, without reservation - once I made the monumental shift that broke through the final barriers of my terror of intimacy - and now I may have lost her. Right at this moment in time, she is no longer available to me - and may never be again.
I am writing here - sobbing, crying, hurting to the depths of my soul - to try to access enough faith to find the courage to live through the coming weeks and months. It is inconceivable to have worked so long, so hard, gone through such deprivation and solitude - only to lose my Love, just when I found her, just when I became capable of Truly Loving her.
She is my Twin Soul - and I may not be able to be with her in this lifetime. The ultimate challenge for the Spiritual Warrior. To let go of my Love with Love is the challenge I am facing. To not buy into the illusion that I am a victim of the Divine Plan - or of the feelings that want me to believe that I am ultimately not worthy and Lovable, that I am not good enough.
It is of course, perfect for my path. For what could demonstrate True Love more completely than to let go of my Twin Soul with dignity and grace, with kindness and gentleness. It is a monumental task that my Higher Power obviously believes I am capable of - or it would not be what is in front of me to do. I write here tonight to try to find that courage - to be reminded of the perfection with which my path has unfolded, so I can find the faith to demonstrate the courage that will help me walk through the agony of losing her if that is what the Divine Plan dictates for my path." - Joy2MeU Journal My Unfolding Dance 31 3/22/04
(In this quote from my journal I refer to opening my heart completely for the third time in my life - the first two times were as an infant with my parents, and when I was 7 and 8 years old with the calf that is at the heart of my Grief, Love, & Fear of Intimacy article that is mentioned in the quote above. This year was the first time I had opened my heart as an adult.)
I am referring back to that quote again for several reasons at this point - 3 different perspectives I want to cover actually: Being Alive; Priorities; and personal sharing in this Update.
"What I believe has been revealed in recent days and weeks is that - though the mission of spreading the message will continue on some level as long as I am in my present body - the primary focus of my life in the future has shifted to Loving and experiencing being Loved in an the intimate union with my Twin Soul (or soul mate if that is to be - hopefully the Universe has not helped me open my heart without having someone in the wings waiting for me to Love.) I believe, I feel very strongly, that I am finally ready for the life partner I have been seeking forever - and that my days of wandering in the wilderness in isolation on a personal level are about to end.I was in so much pain that I even felt - and shared in my journal processing in my Joy2MeU Journal - that I might not still be alive by now, by August.
It is because I have felt this so strongly, that the thought of losing this person has been so devastating. It is because I am now experiencing what it feels like to Truly be available for a Loving emotionally intimate romantic relationship, that the possibility that the woman who was both the catalyst of my transformation, and the Twin Soul who I have been seeking through lifetimes, could potentially be meant to remain unavailable to me in this lifetime, that there have been moments recently where I have felt that it would be too painful to continue this journey." - Joy2MeU Newsletter March 2004 - Opening to Love
"I do believe there is some Truth in the insight I had on March 27th - which I shared in Dance 35 - that was confirmed for me while reading The Da Vinci Code late in the evening of May 9th. That is, that in order to access all the metaphysical, spiritual power available to me I need to be grounded in a relationship with my Twin Soul. It is possible that I could reach nearly the same heights with a soul mate that I have a powerful vibrational connection with - although I don't think that the "wonders we could make happen" would be the same as with my Twin Soul / Luscious Love. And that if neither of those options is available, then I believe that I am close to the end of my mission in this lifetime. And whatever happens, it will be a perfect part of the Divine Script that has already been written.We are talking some pretty down and dirty personal sharing here. One of the items of feedback that I have posted on the Journal Testimonial page includes this sentence:
The three possible scenarios I spoke of in my note in Dance 35, are that I am to be in relationship with my Twin Soul, or a soul mate, or that I will be exiting this particular Creation Dream before the end of this year. "The end of this year" is something that just came through this moment. Previously I had thought it would be by July or August.
I don't know if that is Truth - or as I said in my note above "perhaps it is just my tendency when unable to conceive what the future holds, to think that the end must be near." In any case, any of the three scenarios would be good news. (See Dance 34) Especially since my guidance tells me that I would be led to make sure my web site is going to be carried on by someone, and my book will be kept in print." Joy2MeU Journal My Unfolding Dance 31 June 1st, 2004
"I do not know of another so-called "spiritual teacher" who would ever give expression to the feelings you did, if such expression called into question the efficacy of the methods or the truth of the message."This relationship, as I said, gave me the opportunity to share my humanity - "I certainly demonstrated how imperfect and humanly flawed I am" - including moments where I was doubting my own Truth and teachings. I have so thoroughly integrated my Spiritual Truth into my emotional relationship with life that it had been years since I had been in a place where I felt like life wasn't worth living. At least that is what I thought up until today - and it is partly true. What I realized today however, is that part of the reason is that I was not very emotionally invested in life was that I was living alone in isolation. Rather I lived or died was not that big a deal because it was just going to be a transition to a better place when I exited this Illusion.
It was when I opened my heart to Loving another human being that I made an emotional investment in being alive that made life precious enough to me to desperately want to keep living. If we are not taking the risk of Loving and losing, then we are not being Truly Alive. It was because I was taking the risk of opening my heart that it sometimes felt that life would not be worth living if I lost that Love.
This is part of the paradox of this temporary illusion of being human that I have come to understand this year more clearly and deeply than ever before - one of the gifts of this experience for me. If we are not taking the risk of Loving and losing, then we are not really embracing all that life has to offer. Part of the reason we are here in body is to Touch each other. That brings to mind a quote from a book about Native American beliefs that I use in my Trilogy
"The Sun Dancer believes that each person is a unique Living Medicine Wheel, powerful beyond imagination, that has been limited and placed upon this earth to Touch, Experience, and Learn...........They had no understanding of limitation, no experience of substance. These beings were total energy of the Mind, without Body or Heart. They were placed upon this earth that they might Learn the things of the Heart through Touching." - Hyemeyohsts Storm, Seven Arrows (My apologies to Mr. Storm because I use this without permission - since I haven't published it in book form yet - in The Dance of the Wounded Souls Trilogy Book 1 - "In The Beginning . . ." History of the Universe Part I The Creation dream)We are here to Learn things of the Heart through Touching!
The gift of touch is an incredibly wonderful gift. One of the reasons we are here is to touch each other physically as well as Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Touch is not bad or shameful. Our creator did not give us sensual and sexual sensations that feel so wonderful just to set us up to fail some perverted, sadistic life test. Any concept of god that includes the belief that the flesh and the Spirit cannot be integrated, that we will be punished for honoring our powerful human desires and needs, is - in my belief - a sadly twisted, distorted, and false concept that is reversed to the Truth of a Loving God-Force.
We need to strive for balance and integration in our relationships. We need to touch in healthy, appropriate, emotionally honest ways - so that we can honor our human bodies and the gift that is physical touch.
Making Love is a celebration and a way of honoring the Masculine and Feminine Energy of the Universe (and the masculine and feminine energy within no matter what genders are involved), a way of honoring its perfect interaction and harmony. It is a blessed way of honoring the Creative Source.
One of the most blessed and beautiful gifts of being in body is the ability to feel on a sensual level. Because we have been doing human backwards, we have been deprived of the pleasure of enjoying our bodies in a guilt-free, shame-free, manner. By striving for integration and balance we can start to enjoy our human experience - on a sensual level as well as on the emotional, mental, and Spiritual levels.
If we can't get past our fear of intimacy enough to take the risk of exploring a romantic relationship with another being - then we are not Truly embracing this human experience. If we are not willing to do the messy emotional work to heal our wounds enough to take the risk of Loving and losing, then we are just enduring being human - keeping our self distracted and busy until we die. If we aren't here to learn to Love, then why the fuck are we here?!?!
Boy, I didn't see this coming when I started writing today! I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW! So angry that it is so hard to Love another human being in a romantic relationship. We have been so wounded emotionally - and had our relationships with our sexuality so screwed up by shame based cultures - that it makes it phenomenally difficult not just to have a relatively healthy romantic relationship, but even to find someone who is remotely capable of exploring the possibility with us.
"The first challenge for us in recovery is to start learning how to be emotionally honest and intimate with our self - which means we also need to develop a healthy concept of, and relationship with, our self. This is a process that takes some time - as we learn to practice intellectual discernment in changing the dysfunctional programming from childhood, and emotional discernment that allows us to have internal boundaries so we can grieve our wounds and disarm the emotional mine field within us related to opening our hearts to another human being. To be able to do that with another person whom we are attracted to romantically / physically, who is also healing their relationship with self - is an incredible gift, and a rare opportunity. . . . .It is phenomenally difficult just based upon the wounds of this lifetime! And we are not just dealing with the wounds from this lifetime! The pain I was dealing with was so raw and powerful because it was pain that was about much more than the pain of this lifetime.
. . . There are layers of wounding that need to be peeled off gradually as we do the healing and change the dysfunctional programming. We all have huge fear of intimacy issues because the first people we opened our hearts to - our parents - were wounded, and in turn they wounded us. In several places in my writing, I note that in my opinion romantic relationships are the greatest arena for Spiritual growth available to us - because being romantically, sexually involved with another person pushes all our buttons, triggers all of our deepest wounds and strongest defenses. For one person in codependency recovery to develop a romantic relationship with another recovering person, is a process that evolves over time and involves a lot of hard work - and a lot of emotions.
To find one recovering person who is willing to put in the time and effort, who is also someone we are attracted to emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically, is an incredible gift in my opinion." - Monogamy - A Spiritual Teachers Perspective
"The pain of losing her feels like losing a part of myself - which this time I believe it actually is. I have felt an echo of this pain because in past relationships my inner child wounded places have felt like they were going to die - that they were losing an essential part of self. What I am experiencing now is much more than inner child wounds from this lifetime.It was the terror in anticipation of losing her - combined with the pain of lifetimes of heart rending grief - that caused me to think that death would be preferable to living with losing her. As it so often proves to be in this human experience, the anticipation of pain is often worse than actually experiencing the pain. Now that I have lost her - and I do believe that we are not going to be able to be together again in this lifetime - I am in great pain, but the terror of anticipating the grieving is gone. And now, I do feel like there is a long term relationship in my future - rather it be with a Soul Mate that I am going to meet (and actually may have already connected with - possibly even just got my first e-mail from today) or that a miracle is going to occur that will cause my Twin Soul to open her heart in the way that I was compelled to open my heart.
There are of course, levels of inner child reaction involved in what I am experiencing now - just as there are levels that are reactions from the adult who has suffered stark deprivation on so many levels; from my wounded masculine energy which has sought balance and union with the feminine for lifetimes; from the romantic and dreamer in me whose heart had been crushed and broken in ways that caused my ego to erect the terror of intimacy defenses to try to protect me from opening my heart completely so that this very thing would not happen; and of course, from my wounded soul that has been seeking reunion with my other half in order to reconnect with The Source.
As I mention in the quote from my journal at the end of the Update, the Karmic issues we need to settle are reflected in our childhood wounds. Those types of inner child reactions are in fact an echo, a reflection, (as above so below, as within so without) of the deeper ancient wound of being ripped in two by the manifestation of polarity into human consciousness. (Polarity = The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil / black and white thinking)
And on a much deeper level I came to understand that I am - and have been, ever since polarization - looking for my twin soul.
This is a monumental pain - a triggering of my personal original wound of being torn asunder, separated from my feminine half. And my original wound is reflection of the original wound of humankind - the illusion of separation from God.
The original wound, the genesis of all the pain in the human experience, the original cause from which Codependence emerged, is the illusion that we are separate from God, from our Creator.
We are not. We never have been. But due to planetary conditions it felt like we were. It felt like being human was a punishment.
The incredible pain of feeling separate from the Creative Source is the greatest pain there is.
We are talking profound, ancient, deeply reverberating archetypal wound here. Big hurt! Huge grief!
And facing that ancient grief, feeling that abyss of pain within, is not something I want to spend the coming months doing. I do not want to lose the woman I have been searching for through multiple lifetimes. The thought of it has had me sobbing and crying as I have gone for my walk by the ocean - has had me struggling to keep from sobbing and crying walking down the street to the post office. There are times when I am checking e-mail and my heart is in my throat in anticipation of the joy I will feel if I hear from her, the fear I may feel when I do not.
I will face it however, if it is what is necessary in the Cosmic scheme of things. As I have said, I need to be willing to let go of anything and everything - and any one, even the woman that I believe is my Twin Soul. I need to - am willing to - surrender to my Higher Power's plan no matter what it entails, no matter how much I hate the plot twists of the unfolding script. . . .
. . . As I said in my article on Twin Souls and soul mates: "Perhaps you need to let go of them in this lifetime in order to reunite with them in the next." I wasn't actually thinking that I was going to have to do that when I wrote that line in 1999 - but I do teach best what I need most to learn." - Joy2MeU Newsletter March 2004 - Opening to Love
"Ironically, she now needs to make the shift I made - opening up her heart to herself enough to believe she deserves to be Loved. As long as I was emotionally unavailable to her because on some deep level I still didn't believe I was Lovable, she was committed to the relationship and very Loving to me, more Loving to me than I have ever experienced in a relationship. It was because on that deep level I didn't believe I was good enough that my ego was able to sabotage the relationship. Now that I am emotionally available and capable of Truly Loving her, her ego defenses are on full battle stations - sending her fear messages that are not so much about trusting me as about not trusting that she is good enough, telling her that she would fail me because of her childhood messages that she was not Lovable and worthy of being Loved." - Joy2MeU Newsletter March 2004 - Opening to LoveHere is something that I wrote in the first week of August about what I was experiencing then - and have been to some degree since then.
"Like a wounded animal I have retreated into my cave to lick my wounds and heal. I can't sit down to write without sobbing and crying - without feeling the very real physical aching pain in my heart chakra of my broken heart. When the grief starts coming up, I can't sit still - I have to get up and move. Sobbing, crying, wounded animal like moans of pain escaping from my lips. I am hurting. I am really, really hurting right now.
Recovery is a trip. Life is a journey. I know that this grieving I am doing now is leading me to a better place in my journey. I know that I have learned incredible lessons in this relationship experience that has ended. I know how grateful I am that I have had this experience. But right now, I am really hurting. And I do not have any idea what the path ahead of me looks like. I have no vision of where I am going to from here.
In the March Update, I shared that there were moments when the pain I was feeling over the fear of losing this woman in my life was so great that I wanted to die - that I thought I would die. Now that I have lost her, I do not feel like I want to die - or that I will soon. But I also don't have anything that is compelling me to move forward. I don't see any goals in front of me to strive for - don't know what direction I want to strike out in."
Writing this today has helped me see clearly what direction I am headed in - what I am compelled to move forward towards.
"I have learned:Knowing that I have nothing to fear from intimacy and getting past my fear of intimacy turned out to be two entirely different things. I did not come close to a romantic relationship for over 4 years after that Adventure in Romance ended. I kept chipping away at my fear of intimacy issues whenever the Universe prompted me to look at them, but I didn't take any action to put myself in the arena.
That when I know who I am and have my self-esteem rooted in my Spiritual connection then I have nothing to fear from intimacy. I can be hurt for certain because I will be choosing to give some power away over my feelings - but hurt is part of life and well worth the adventure of Loving and Losing.
That it is Truly possible to do enough healing to be able to open my heart to someone and then not take it personally when the other person "rejects" me - because I Truly know in my gut that she is just reacting to her wounds not to some inherent flaw in my being.
That I can have my worst fear of abandonment and rejection appear to come true and not give it any power because I do not have to buy into the disease telling me that it is my fault - that I did something / said something / am something that is wrong / a loser / a mistake / unlovable / unworthy. This is such a gift - to know that I can keep the critical parent shut up and out of the game is Truly an Amazing Miraculous reward for being willing to do my healing." - An Adventure in Romance - Loving and Losing Successfully
The Universe started prompting me while I was writing my October 2000 Update when I did some processing about something I had responded to a friend of mine as I was leaving a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. What came up in that Update processing scared me so much I went into denial about looking at my intimacy issues until the Universe pushed me into more processing while I was writing my May 2001 Update. That led to 3 pages of Newsletter processing, followed by 3 more pages in my journal within the Journal. That processing caused to a major breakthrough in my process. [On the morning of August 31st, in the course of writing my August column for Suite 101 (Codependent Defenses - Part 1 The Gatekeeper), I went to the October 2000 Update for a quote I wanted to use. In doing that I realized that I had misspoken in this paragraph. It was actually the May 2001 Update that was sparked by my response to a friend after an NA meeting. I have not actually read over that October Update in it's entirety in some years because it still scares me. I will be reading it over while doing the journal processing I mention below I realize I need to do next.]
"One of the things that I am realizing in the processing that was set off by this latest breakthrough in my process, is that I seem to just now be reaching - on a personal level - the level of consciousness that my book was written out of. It has been over 10 years now, since I wrote the core of what was to become Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls - over a period of 48 frenzied hours of writing, to be able to give a talk that I had scheduled months before." - Joy to You & Me and Joy2MeU Update - August -2001That was followed with more processing about my fear of intimacy issues in my journal in June of 2002 - and then in November of that year. It was in that November 2002 processing that I got in touch with how comfortable that I had become with being alone and isolated.
"Because it is not a simple issue, because my road truly has gotten much narrower, because I have been busy in my life, it was easy to slip into just accepting isolation - and not take any action to change that condition of isolation. I have actually been quite happy and content with living here in isolation, able to devote my time and energy to my work. ;-)" - Joy2MeU Journal My Unfolding Dance 17 November 2002I did start taking some action to stick my toe into the arena at that time. I took some actions to sow some metaphysical seeds out into the Universe affirming that I wanted a romantic relationship in November of that year. One of those actions was to join an online personals service - not because I thought I would meet anyone that way, but as a metaphysical exercise in putting my intention out there. Nothing really came of joining that service for over a year until November 30th 2003 when I discovered the profile of my Twin Soul and sent her a message.
"I had slipped into a black and white place of just accepting my isolation - a very comfortable rut. . . . . I am starting to take some actions to change it - some risks that involve peeking out of my comfortable rut." - Joy2MeU Journal My Unfolding Dance 18 November 2002
During the time between the brief relationship in December of 1988 and March of this year - over 5 years - my number 1 priority in my life was my work. I was totally focused upon, and somewhat obsessive compulsive about my writing. The result is the huge web site that you see. I wrote some wonderful stuff during that time - and it was a perfect unfolding of my path and mission to be so focused on my writing for that time. I am very proud of the body of work on this site. And everything I wrote was in some way related to what was going on in my personal growth process and recovery - was a part of my gradual peeling away of the layers of my fear of intimacy issues.
As I said earlier, it had never even occurred to me that anything but my work would be the first priority in my life. I was quite content with living in isolation with my writing in a place I love - living Joy-fully relating to nature without any messy emotional intimacy in my life. The transformation I went through in February of this year, after breaking up the relationship I had with the woman whom I believe is my Twin Soul, led to me opening my heart to her and changed my life - "changed my relationship with life and Love forever" as I said in the quote from my March Update that I used above.
I was writing furiously for my journal during this transformation time - trying to sort out and get clear on what is happening. I was going through a rapid and intense transformation that was revealing new facets of the "new me" almost daily in March of this year. On the morning of March 18th I realized that the relationship was now the first priority in my life. This is what I said in an e-mail to her that day.
"In doing that however another shift occurred in my perspective. My number 1 priority has always got to be myself, taking care of myself, doing what I need to do for my recovery and healing. And part of the commitment to myself is to my mission, which is an inseparable part of my recovery and Spiritual Path - an internal thing not an external thing. My mission isn't some external thing I have to be committed to - it is part of being committed to myself, it is part of me. I think maybe this new level of compassion for myself has made me more whole - more integrated than ever before.One of the things I realized then was that I have plenty of material written already - more than most of you will probably ever read. That doesn't mean that I won't keep writing - I have enough writing projects in the works to keep me busy for the rest of the year - but I will never again allow my writing to be an excuse to short change someone I am in relationship with. I did that when I was actually in a romantic relationship with my Twin Soul from December until the beginning of February when I broke up with her. I will never again let my work damage a relationship! I am soooo sorry that I allowed it to damage my relationship with my Twin Soul. (Some more of that sobbing and crying as I grieve for what happened.)
What I realized the thoughts about wanting to be there for you this morning meant - what on one level I called wanting to be your sanctuary - is that Loving you has become my number 1 priority externally, That you have first call on my time and energy any time you need it." - Joy2MeU Journal My Unfolding Dance 32 March 2004
One of the reasons that I had been so comfortable in my isolated rut is because I had gotten so good at accepting whatever the conditions were in my life and making the best of them by choosing to focus on the part of the glass that was full instead of letting my codependency cause me to focus on the part of the glass that was empty so that I felt like a victim. I had really gotten very good at acceptance - and at letting go - which was what allowed me to have a lot of Joy in my life no matter what areas of my life I was experiencing deprivation in. I was able to learn to Truly be present in the here and now and be happy with what I had.
"We need to be willing to let go of everything.The thing is, that we can go out of balance with anything - including acceptance. In one of the articles in my Recovery Process for inner child healing I quoted something I originally wrote for a question and answer page on my original web site.
In my particular case: I need to let go of ever having very much money in my life; of ever having much success for the book; of ever publishing more books; of ever having another romantic relationships; of ever having the kind of nurturing, comfortable space I would like to live in; of everything that I want.
I need to let go of trying to write the script so that the Universe can give me what I need.
It may, and often does in my experience, turn out that once I have let go of something - let go of trying to dictate to the Universe my idea of what I need in my life to be OK - then the Universe says "OK, now that you have surrendered, you can have what you wanted."
Because when I let go, I also open up to receive. As long as I am holding onto something, I am blocking the energy flow of the Universe. I have to let go and open up in order to allow the flow.
The catch is, that the letting go has to be real. I have to accept on a gut level that I can be happy and peaceful and fulfilled without: money; a relationship; whatever. There is no tricking the Universe into thinking I have let go when I am just pretending to let go so that I can get." Joy to You & Me and Joy2MeU Update 2-4-00
"We can go out of balance with anything. I can use acceptance as an excuse for not taking action or responsibility. I can use forgiveness as an excuse for not standing up for myself - to avoid confrontations. I can say I am taking care of myself when I am really isolating and indulging in instant gratification." - The Recovery Process for inner child healing - emotional balanceI was using acceptance to find serenity and Joy in my life in a really wonderful way - but I was also using acceptance as an excuse for not taking action to put myself in the arena. I had given up on my dreams coming True in the name of letting go. I was not taking responsibility as the co-creator in my life for doing my part in making my dreams come true.
"That is part of the paradox of recovery. It is very important to know that it is Ok to have dreams, to affirm and visualize our dreams coming true, to take action and plant seeds to make them possible, to open up to receiving all of the abundance of the Universe - and then we need to let go of believing that we will not be Ok until, or if, those dreams come true. We need to let go of the future and be present today. And know that we are Unconditionally Loved today - and every day, rather we reach our goals or not." - Joy to You & Me and Joy2MeU Update 2-4-00I had spent so much energy on learning to let go of the future, of not allowing my destination thinking to cause me to feel like a victim today because I haven't reached the destination - that I forgot to do my part in making my dreams come true. After I awakened to who she really was, after I opened my heart to her - then I went to the other extreme and wanted the dream so much that I couldn't let go of the destination. Once I saw that maybe it was possible for my dream to come true, I couldn't let go of pushing her to try to get her to the place where she could see how wonderful we could be together. I sabotaged the relationship at times because I was trying to get her to be in a place in her process - make the shift to opening her heart - that she had not yet reached.
Once I opened my heart and realized that the dream might come true, then I wanted her to have a Spiritual Awakening so that she could Love me in the way I have always wanted to be Loved. For the first time in my life there was very real potential that the all the wonderful gifts that I had been so deprived of in my life, that can come from being in romantic relationship - companionship, support, affection, touch, sexual expression, cuddling and kissing, etc. - might actually be within reach. Having been so deprived of intimate human interaction for most of my life contributed to me not being able to let go of campaigning for the outcome I so desperately wanted.
I have had huge deprivations issues in my life because of the relationship phobia created by my fear of intimacy issues. I had to work real hard to learn how to stop giving those deprivation issues the power to pollute how I related to women. In fact, in my journal processing of June 2002, I got in touch in with some shameful behavior that manifested in my relationships with women after I got into recovery - because I was actually feeling the fear for the first time. Because those deprivation issues had so much power, it was easier for me to go to the extreme of not getting involved in physically intimate relationships.
"It was so important for me to learn to let go of any wants of mine that weren't being met. Certainly I want a romantic relationship, on some level I am starved for support and companionship, for affection and touch, for Love - but there is no one in my life today who can fill that role for me so I have to let go of the illusion that I am not OK today without it.I did such a good job of focusing on enjoying the journey that I forgot that I had some responsibility for making my dreams come true. I had experienced having my hopes and dreams crushed so many times that it was easier to stop hoping and dreaming. I made my mission my life - and accepted that I wasn't going to have the type of relationship I wanted in this lifetime. I really accepted that part of the price I had to pay for being a teacher and messenger was to be deprived of a romantic relationship for the rest of this lifetime.
It was so liberating for me to learn to stop being the victim of not having what I wanted - and start focusing on being grateful for what I had. Wishing things were different just made me a victim, and when I am focusing on the part of the glass that is empty I am creating a victim space for myself where I am generating feelings of self pity. It was a miserable way to live life."It was wonderfully liberating in recovery to start learning that I could start to see life in a growth context. That I had a choice to focus on the half of the glass that was full instead of giving power to the disease which always wants to focus on the half that is empty. When I focus on what I have, and have been given, that I am grateful for - instead of just focusing on what I want that I don't have - it helps me to let go of the victim place my disease wants to promote.A part of my Karmic mission in this lifetime was to learn how to not be a victim. By not focusing on my wants that have not been met, I don't create victim feelings for myself. I am OK today without those wants being met. If I start thinking that I will never have a relationship, or about the future at all, then I am not being present today. As long as I am present today, I can accept wherever I am at, and whatever my reality is by owning my power to choose where I focus my mind. . . .
What works for me is to remind myself of the difference between my wants and my needs. My Truth is that every day that I have been in recovery all my needs have been filled - and there has not been a single day that all my wants have been met. If I focus on what I want that I don't have then I feel like a victim and make myself miserable. If I choose to remind myself of what I have and how far I have come then I can let go of some of the victim perspective." - Gratitude
. . . . . Human connection, companionship, affection, touch, etc., are legitimate "needs" - but I classify them as wants, because that is what works to help me find some peace and serenity today. Different definitions for the same word in different context, from a different perspective.
I do not have to let go of wanting a romantic relationship. What I learned to let go of, was buying into the belief that I am not OK today without one. And I learned to not focus on the future and feel deprived about what might be - or might not be - going to happen then." - Joy2MeU Journal My Unfolding Dance 12 June 2002
"My Truth is that I do believe I am a mystical messenger on a Divine mission - that is my reality. How can another person really understand that? It is a pretty hard thing to get one's mind around. Why would someone want to live with a person who is either: A. that delusional; or B. an actual mystic? Anyone who knows and sees me in person has ample evidence that this messenger is very much human - flawed, imperfect, learning and growing, a wounded soul in recovery. How does one relate to a recovering codependent that is also a mystical messenger?NO MORE! I will no longer accept that I can't have a romantic relationship in my life. On August 18th, as I was getting ready to go to one of the CoDA meetings here locally that I started and continue to serve as secretary for, I had an insight. It was one of those slight shifts in perspective that suddenly shine a new Light on some issue, situation, event, whatever. This insight brought me great Joy - and some of that sobbing and crying again.
I have spent years working on peeling away the levels of my fear of intimacy issues. The writing for this Journal and my site have been so valuable in that process. I think that because of my mission the process has seemed to unfold very slowly for me - so that I would share it in my writing. One of those good news bad news things again. But I have come so far - I am now much more open to being a "receptacle for Love to flow into" as well as being a "channel for Love to flow through.""Anytime I have a chance to speak my Truth, to share the beliefs and knowledge which I so passionately embrace, I get to touch the Divine. I get to be a channel for Love to flow through. (One of the things I want to talk about in this Newsletter is that it can be easier to be a channel for Love to flow through than a receptacle for Love to flow into.)" - Joy to You & Me and Joy2MeU Update10-20-2000As I say, I think I have been, am being, successful in this mission of being a messenger, and that it will continue as long as I am in this body.
However, deep down inside, all I have ever really wanted was a simple life with a good woman - with a woman who I can Love and who Loves me." - Joy2MeU Journal: Miracles 2 Leap of Faith ~ Publishing The Dance part 2
The insight had to do with realizing what the adjective is that most describes my experience of 2004 thus far. That it has been a very difficult and painful time - perhaps the most painful time - in my recovery is something I have been writing and talking about for some time. But, as I noted above in the writing I did a couple of weeks ago, it has not been the most difficult time. I also could not say that it was the most Joyous - although there has been a lot of Joy mixed in with the pain. And then yesterday the adjective came to me.
The year of 2004 has been for me, the single most EXCITING period of time in my life. It was exciting because I was given the opportunity and gift of developing some deep emotional intimacy with another human being. I opened my heart to another human being for the first time in my adult life - and though I got my heart broken, it was a glorious adventure. It was exciting because I was Alive in a way that can only come with involvement in an emotionally intimate relationship with another being - with a True vibrational Love connection between souls in body.
The last time I saw my Twin Soul, as we were basically fighting, she at one point said "This is hell." She was wounded in ways that caused her to be a people pleaser for most of her life - and she still is for the most part with her family and friends. She feels it is hell to have to feel the feelings and to confront issues. Part of the perfect irony of our relationship is that my slipping into insane codependent behavior at times has helped her to get in touch with, and express, her anger as never before.
"She greatly accelerated my process - and I know that meeting me has greatly accelerated her process. It is possible that she may make a shift that will break her through to a place where she will be available to be with me again. I soooo hope and pray that happens. There has never been anything I have wanted more in my life.She has gotten very good at owning her anger with me. Unfortunately, she still does not have permission from herself to own her anger at the people that actually abused her. Her anger - and at times rage - ended up being expressed to, and at, me. She felt like it was hell that she was treating me that way. I tried to tell her that it was a big breakthrough and that once she opened her heart to having compassion for her self and for the little girl that she was, then she would be able to own her right to be angry at her abusers and wouldn't need to vent it at me. (I am afraid that without me in her life - since I was the only one that she really felt safe in expressing that anger to - that she will start turning it back in on herself and sink back into depression, or go to what is her other extreme, allowing the emotional pressure of denying her feelings to keep her running around "doing" to the point that she hurts herself physically. One of the unselfish levels of my resistance to letting go of the relationship was that I was really afraid of what she is going to do to herself while reacting in the "I'll show you, I'll get me" pattern that is her codependency.)
I often feel like my Higher Power has a twisted sense of humor. There have been moments lately where it has felt downright cruel and sadistic. To be reunited with my Twin Soul so that I could break through to opening up to Love - only to lose her. On a human level this has not been a fun experience. It has been very painful and intense.
The pain and intensity with which I have been feeling the grief has at times caused me to slip out of my recovering adult consciousness and back into the types of desperate inner child reactions that have caused me to act like a relationship addict for short periods of time.
Ironically, paradoxically, perfectly from the perspective of the twisted sense of humor of my Higher Power, those times when I have lost it have been a perfect part of her growth process. She has gotten the opportunity to confront me about my codependent behavior - the opportunity to own her anger and set boundaries with me.
So, my behavior that was very scary to her, may be part of her process of owning her self more so that she can access more Love for herself - so that she can then make a shift to where she can again open her heart to me. Or not." - Joy2MeU Newsletter March 2004 - Metaphysical addendum page
My reply to her that night was, "No, this is not hell. Hell is going to be not having you in my life." For me now, the worst scenario is not having an emotionally intimate relationship in my life. I want someone in my life who will push those messy buttons - who I can communicate and work through issues with.
She has gone into a black and white perspective where she feels she needs to banish me from her life because she isn't comfortable with the deep emotional intimacy we have developed. She is running away from me because she is running away from her own issues and feelings. She has incredible resistance to surrendering her ego self will and is very invested in being very stubborn in trying to control her life and be self sufficient. She hates feeling out of control and vulnerable - and has not been willing to actually make more than token efforts to do what it takes to get in touch with her grief because she is so terrified of all the pain she has within her. If she would put a tenth of the willpower and stubbornness into fighting her disease - by committing to her recovery - as she puts into trying to control her life (by allowing her ego defenses to keep her reacting to the fear and shame of old tapes and childhood wounds) it would be an awesome sight to see her blossom into owning her Spiritual Radiance. I have given up on thinking that is going to happen - and on trying to get her to see how Lovable and amazing she Truly is. It is very sad to me to see how much pain she is in, and how she is allowing her ego resistance to run her life, but I am powerless to get her to be willing to do her healing work. It would be wonderful if the Universe arranged a miracle to get her to open her heart - but I cannot hold my breath waiting for it. It may not be part of her path for that to happen for her in this lifetime.
I believe what I said in my March Update - that I quoted above:
"What I believe has been revealed in recent days and weeks is that - though the mission of spreading the message will continue on some level as long as I am in my present body - the primary focus of my life in the future has shifted to Loving and experiencing being Loved in an the intimate union with my Twin Soul (or soul mate if that is to be - hopefully the Universe has not helped me open my heart without having someone in the wings waiting for me to Love.) I believe, I feel very strongly, that I am finally ready for the life partner I have been seeking forever - and that my days of wandering in the wilderness in isolation on a personal level are about to end." - Joy2MeU Newsletter March 2004 - Opening to LoveIt appears that my focus now is going to be finding the Soul Mate that I believe is out there. I am going to do what it takes to find the woman who is going to be willing to explore emotional intimacy with me. That is of course easier said that done because it cannot happen with just any woman. It has to be someone that I have some physical attraction to for one thing - but even more important it has to be someone who I feel a strong vibrational connection to, an energetic attraction to/relationship with. I don't believe that my Higher Power has arranged for me to learn to open my heart without having a plan to allow me to have the type of relationship that I have always wanted. I want to be with someone who Loves me and cherishes being in relationship with me - who will give me the chance to be a "receptacle for Love to flow into" - and who has done enough healing that she will be open to allowing me to Love her. I believe that one of my Soul Mates - (see The True Nature of Love - part 6, Twin Souls, Souls Mates, and Kindred Spirits) whom I have not yet settled all my Karma with - is in body at this time, and hopefully has been preparing to be reunited with me. Finding her is going to be a priority in my life now.
"March 23rd 2004: The following is what I have written basically since March 16th. I started writing it for my quarterly Update that I thought I would be posting on March 20th, the first day of Spring. It became the forum where I was working out, processing through, what has been happening in my life in the last week. It became far too intimate, emotional, and metaphysically focused to be used as the Newsletter portion of my Update on Joy2Meu - something that I had suspected all along, even though I didn't decide that for sure until this morning. After finishing what I need to write here - and laying out the next 3 or 4 Dances with what I have written already so I can come back to it tomorrow - I am going back to the Update to finish a shorter and less personal version of it - and try to get posted in the next day or so.I was amazed at how many people wrote me to tell me that what I had written in the March Update was similar to something that was going on in their lives. It seems that maybe the insanity that I was experiencing is happening in the collective consciousness of old souls on a planetary basis. And as I said in the note I added to Dance 32 in May, it was a reminder to me once again to write what I need to for myself and trust the process.
Because I was thinking it was for the main web site instead of for this journal, I was writing from the point of view that it was going to be for a larger audience - which makes the tone of it, and the level of explanation, a little different than the rest of this journal probably. It is somehow perfect for this journal and my process - at least in my perspective. And I do not believe that I am insane. Not at this moment anyway.;-)
March 24th 2004: Oooops, change of plans. Things changed again on Wednesday morning and I decided to share the major portion of that writing in a Newsletter addition to the Update.
(I was feeling that what I had been writing for the Newsletter was too metaphysical and intimate for my regular web site - and it amazed me how people related to it. They related to it for the very reason I talked about in the Update - notes of emotional resonance - once more reminding me to write what I need to and trust the process. This note added 5/8/04 while doing final read through on these pages.)" - Joy2MeU Journal My Unfolding Dance 32
I have been going through a somewhat similar type of vacillation this month - not knowing if what I was writing was going to be for this Update or for my journal. I have written bits and pieces throughout August, but wasn't able to really get into it until yesterday - the 28th. Now I am madly writing to try to get this out in August.
However, something I wrote on the 27th about an experience I had that afternoon made it clear to me that there is some of what I have written that belongs in my journal. On that afternoon, while walking to what to me is a sacred meadow, to do what I thought was going to be a letting go ritual, a great deal of pain came up about that meadow and a picture I took in that meadow of my Twin Soul. That pain led me into a vision of a past life that literally dropped me to my knees sobbing and moaning in pain. It was the same past life that came up for me in my October 2000 Update that caused such a feeling of terror within me. That made it clear to me that I need to use some of what I have written in the journal and not here on the regular web site. And showed me that I have much more to write and process through, about what has been happening in the last couple of months.
So, I am going to wrap up this Update now. But first I am going to make a declaration about my future and the direction that I am heading in. I am actually going to repeat a declaration I first made in my November 1988 Update. The day after I published that Update I met the woman who I had the Adventure in Romance with in December of 1988. (Who showed up in the matches sent to me on Match.com last week - my Higher Power's cute sense of humor again.;)
I then repeated this declaration in my November 2002 Update. That was followed by a relationship experience in the Spring of 2003. It was a long distance relationship that included two short visits by the woman to Cambria - and was about 95% fantasy and 5 % relationship. It was very important however because it opened me up to being willing to take the risk of getting involved with someone who did not fit my "Dream Woman" image. My "Dream Woman" image - of what I thought my Twin Soul would look like in this lifetime - was revealed in my processing in the journal the early part of this year, to be the biggest block / defense my ego was holding onto to keep me from getting into a relationship.
As I got in touch with how much of that long distance relationship was a fantasy, I repeated the declaration in my September 2003 Update.
"If the relationship adventure that is in my life now continues as one of the ways I am getting to learn about Love - that will be great. If it doesn't, then I hope I do not have to wait 4 years for my next opportunity. If my book goes out of print and I have to let go of this web site - it will be very painful and sad to me, but I am willing to accept my path as it unfolds with faith in a Loving Higher Power. Whatever it takes, however it unfolds - I Know a Loving Divine Plan is unfolding. So I will paraphrase again what I said in those two November Updates:That planted the seed for me to meet the woman I found in the online personals on November 30th. Because I was open to getting involved with someone who did not fit that image, I was able to get involved with the woman (who I would later realize was my Twin Soul) in December. That Dream Woman image was a major reason that I did not get invested in that relationship - and eventually ended it - because my Twin Soul does not fit that Dream Woman image in many ways.
Screw the fear, bring on the Love. I once again reaffirm my commitment to being an ally with the Spirit where Love lives instead of with the disease where fear rules. Whatever is in store for me on my path that will help me learn about - and reconnect with - Love, I welcome. Bring it on Universe!
So, this Update - and my Donations page - is my way of planting some seeds. More will be revealed about what grows." Joy2MeU Update September 2003
It was letting go of the Dream Woman image - on one level by admitting to myself that it looked a lot like my mother when she was 19 and I was a baby - that helped me break through my fear of intimacy defenses and open up my heart to Loving her. (And then I later realized that the Dream Woman image was actually what my Twin Soul looked like in a past life that we shared - layers and layers.) Once I opened my heart to my Twin Soul, she became my Dream Woman - the most beautiful and sexy woman on the planet in my opinion and from my perspective.
So I have made this declaration 3 times - and it was always followed within a relatively short time with a relationship experience. I am going to make this declaration here today and have faith that the Universe will answer my challenge by either creating a miracle that causes my Twin Soul to open her heart to me and realize we belong together - or that the Soul Mate that I still have Karma to settle with will come into my life. And I have faith that whichever of these things happens, this will be my last relationship of this lifetime and will last for the rest of this lifetime.
So I originally challenged the Universe in the Joy to You & Me Newsletter IV - November 22, 1998. I then repeated it, using the same wording, in November 2002:
"So, I once again reaffirm my commitment to being an ally with the Spirit where Love lives instead of with the disease where fear rules. I Joyously, with tears running down my cheeks and sobs of Joy bubbling up my throat, proclaim and declare to you; to the Universe; to my Higher Power; to The God-Force, Goddess Energy, Great Spirit, Holy Mother Source Energy; to all that is blessed and holy; Fuck the fear I say - full speed ahead in the direction of Love.I declare here today, August 30th, 2004, that I am ready to meet any challenge the Universe wants to throw at me that will serve my quest to reconnect with Love. I believe that the greatest service I can do to my own healing and recovery process - and to the Planetary Healing process - is to explore emotional intimacy in a Loving romantic relationship. If it is part of the Divine Plan for my Twin Soul to awaken to our connection and decide that she wants to be my partner in this journey that would be wonderful and a True gift of Grace. If however, it is not possible in the Divine Scheme of things for us to be reunited until our next lifetime, then guide me to the Soul Mate that is to be my next teacher and partner in this quest for Love. Full sped ahead in the direction of Love is the theme and the direction!!!
I trumpet and broadcast proudly out into the Universe: my commitment to my recovery journey; to my Karmic mission; to speaking my Truth; and say: "Bring it on Bubba baby!" Because it is so worth it! Every second of suffering and pain, terror and loneliness, is worth being able to access the Truth of Unconditional Love. Amen. So be it. So it is. Blessed be.
Should be interesting to see what happens now, don't you think. ;-)" Joy to You & Me and Joy2MeU Update Newsletter November 2002
Once again I reaffirm and declare my commitment to being an ally with the Spirit where Love lives instead of with the disease where fear rules.
Bring it on Universe!!!! Whatever it takes!!!!
Screw the fear - I Demand to be Guided to Love!!!!
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