Joy to You & Me
and Joy2MeU Update
|To all the Magnificent Spiritual Beings on my e-mailing list,
Happy Spring to all
of you courageous souls out there
who are healing your wounds and learning to take the risk of opening your
heart to Love. It is a painful, confusing, scary - sometimes terrifying
- journey that involves moving forward with faith despite the crushed hopes,
broken dreams, and devastating heart breaks of our past. Our codependency
interprets the painful, emotionally traumatic experiences from our teenage
and adult years (caused by our codependent defenses / our emotional wounding
and codependent ego programming from childhood - that we were powerless over
at the time) as evidence to reinforce the feeling of toxic shame from our
early childhood (caused by growing up in a dysfunctional environment with
wounded parents/adults) that we are somehow inherently unlovable and unworthy,
defective and doomed to fail.
In a separate Newsletter page added
to this Update, I am going to write a bit about courage to honor the courage
it takes to be in codependency recovery. And specifically to honor
my courage in following my path.
For me 2004 has been an incredible adventure
so far, one that has led to huge breakthroughs in the process of opening
my heart to Love - which cannot be done without dealing with the grief that
caused me to build up huge defenses to Loving and being Loved. On my
personal path, some of those wounds are ancient and involve lifetimes of
searing pain. In the process of healing those wounds and breaking through
those defenses, I have opened up to Loving myself, to having compassion for
myself, in ways deeper and more profound than I have ever experienced.
As usual my writing has been a perfect
part of my unfolding recovery process. This is something that I talk about
in my most recently published original article on this site: The Miracle
of The Twelve Step Process series: 10 thru 12 - The Maintenance Steps Part 1.
I included a section introducing this article in which I talked about why
more than 4 years elapsed between the time I originally published the preceding
articles in this series and this one. And also to explain how my writing
style has changed in such a way that this article is going to be much longer
than the ones that proceeded it. Thus only Part 1 has been published
It is possible that Part 2 won't be
published for about a month - although I will get to it as soon as I am able.
For one thing, income tax time is looming - which always takes a certain amount
of time and energy - but more importantly because the writing frenzy that
began for me on October 1st last year is continuing. That writing
/ processing frenzy has been, and is, focused on writing for my Joy2MeU Journal because of how intense
my personal recovery adventure has been recently, because of how passionate
my experience of life has become.
In line with my references to passion, I am sharing something in the Newsletter portion of the Update
below, that I wrote for an installment in the personal
journal (though it has not been published in that journal as yet) I share
in the Joy2MeU Journal. It is in effect, a review of Mel Gibson's movie The Passion of The Christ.
And I will include a discussion of passion and what it means in my understanding.
In January, I announced the Good News
that the E-Book Suite 101 published with my series of articles on codependent
and healthy relationship dynamics (originally published on my Suite 101 Topic
page and later moved to the Romantic
Relationship section of this site) had become (and is) the runaway number
1 best seller in their E-Book publishing program. (This link will take you
to the page on Suite 101 where they sell that E-Book Dysfunctional
Relationship Dynamics - Healthy Relationship Behavior)
Because of that success I spent some
time compiling the inner child healing articles I had published there into
a format to become an E-Book. In the process of doing that I decided
to move a number of those articles to Joy2MeU.com. I also decided to
redesign my Inner Child
Healing pages index page to list the articles in an order that I think
will best help readers understand the process rather than the mostly chronological
order it was organized in. A list of the 6 articles that I added at
that time is in the right hand column.
Earlier I had added one of the articles
from that inner child series - an overview of The Condition of Codependency
- to my Codependence section because I thought it fit in best there.
And prior to that, in January, I had added another article that was part
of the inner child healing series on Suite 101 Setting Boundaries with inner children
- with additional material included from when I first wrote about the subject
Among other good news announcements
this year was the publication of the German Language version of Codependence: The Dance of
Wounded Souls (just heard from an Austrian friend this morning that the translation
is okay) and links to Finnish translations of the articles in my Romantic Relationship section.
In addition, I added the last two articles
in my series on applying the Serenity Prayer in our lives - Discernment -
The Wisdom to Know the Difference - to this site and moved the series from
my Alcoholism section to the
Spiritual Beliefs section
because that seemed appropriate.
I have also renamed the Donations /
Love Offerings page that I posted last August at a time when my book was
in danger of going out of print due to lack of finances. Due to that
page, Angels among you sent enough money energy this way to do a third printing
of over 4000 books. That page includes a short history of me and my
book - and a discussion of the metaphysical dynamics of giving and receiving
that I believe has value. So, I renamed it and will be adding it to
my Metaphysical pages index page as: Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving ~ Donations / Love
As part of the transformation that is
happening in my life, I am wanting more time to be involved in life.
I will continue to write because that is part of my process - is part of
who I am and an invaluable tool in me in my ongoing recovery process of uncovering
and discovering any codependent programming within me which is still getting
in the way of me allowing the Light of my True Self to shine brightly in my
life. I do however want to cut down on the amount of time I do telephone
counseling. I want to continue it because it has been a valuable part
of my recovery process also - and even more valuable in helping me
pay the rent at the end of every month. It does however take up a great
deal of my time and adds a structure to my schedule that gets in the way
of being able to be spontaneous in seizing opportunities to be more involved
in life and with other people.
So, what I am doing here is giving a
little advanced warning that I am going to be raising the telephone counseling
rates. Not in any huge way, but enough to try keep enough money coming
in to pay the rent while allowing me more unstructured time in my life.
This will happen sometime in the next month to 6 weeks most likely.
The phone work provides a wonderful venue for me to teach people my approach
to the inner child healing / spiritual integration work - and so I do want
to continue it but on a little more limited basis. I will announce the
changes on my New page when I figure out what they are.
to the web site since the December Update Newsletter include:
I have added a newly written, much overdue article to The Miracle
of The Twelve Step Process series: 10 thru
12 - The Maintenance Steps Part 1
Three new pages have been added to my personal journal in the
I reorganized my Inner Child
Healing pages index page in a way designed to facilitate understanding
how the process works.
And I added 6 articles to this site that were originally published
as part of a series on Inner Child Healing on Suite 101 (and will soon be
available in an E-Book)
Reprogramming our dysfunctional ego defenses
Inner Child Healing Paradigm
Inner Awareness - Internal Census
Common Emotional Defenses
Recovery from Codependency
Another article new to this site - originally published on Suite101
The Condition of Codependency
In January I added an article that was part of the inner child
healing series on Suite 101 Setting
Boundaries with inner children but added to the page additional material
from when I first wrote about the subject in 1998.
I added the last two articles in Serenity Prayer series:
Discernment - The Wisdom to Know the Difference to the
site and moved that series from my Alcoholism section
to the Spiritual Beliefs section. Those
Emotional Discernment - disarming
the emotional mine field within
and Intellectual Discernment - Choices,
Two new set of feedback / testimonials added to Phone Counseling Testimonials page.
A new batch of wonderful Testimonials
for the book, tapes, and web site.
Some new feedback added to Joy2MeU Journal Testimonial
A new book store (see Bookstores page) in Riverside,
California has stocked The Dance.
A new resource in British Columbia has been added to the Referral to local Therapist / Counselors page.
Most Recent articles
published on my Suite101 page also listed on my page Suite101 Articles page:
2003 Setting Internal Boundaries in relationship to Romantic,
2004 Taking self worth out of the equation in Romantic Relationships
2004 Falling in love as a choice
Suite 101 has
now published an e-book of my series of articles Dysfunctional
Relationship Dynamics - Healthy Relationship Behavior - which can be
purchased for $9.95 through Suite
101 Anthology page.
Links to past Update Newsletters for the Joy2MeU site (launched
February 4, 1999) can be found on the Information
index page. Links to the Newsletters of my original Joy to You
& Me web site (launched February 28, 1998) can be found on the Joy to You & Me page which list pages from that
site not moved to Joy2MeU.
There were some important anniversaries of my recovery and life
in the early part of this year. That included my 20th sobriety anniversary
on January 3rd. February 4th marked the 5th anniversary of the launch
of this web site. Happy Birthday Joy2MeU.com!! February 28th marked
the 6th birthday of my original site. March 16th marked the 16th anniversary
of me entering the Sierra Tucson Treatment Center for 30 Days in the Desert
learning where I learned about the grief process and made a leap into hyperdrive
in my recovery journey. For a brief overview of my recovery journey
and the story of where I got the name of my company Joy to You & Me -
and it's derivation Joy2MeU - you can read the Story of
Joy to You & Me in the Premier Issue of the Joy2MeU Journal.
Writing this Update has been a very intense process for me because
of the transformation I am going through in my personal recovery process.
Thus the Newsletter page that I am adding to this Update is one in which I
share what is happening in my recovery from a level of intimacy that I usually
reserve for my personal journal in the Joy2MeU Journal. A piece of
writing entitled Communication (which I had intended
to be the first section of that Newsletter page) is an explanation
of something I mentioned above - " On my personal path, some of those wounds
are ancient and involve lifetimes of searing pain." - in regard to
the fact that my process takes me to depths that most people never have to
go to, and into issues that most people do not need to look at.
I am including this here, because if you are fairly new to the process
or find some of my references beyond your understanding at this time, please
do not let it bother you. Take what resonates with you from my writing
and leave the rest to come back to at some later time - if you are moved to
do that. You do not have to feel obligated to read past this top section,
because the way things turned out, the short piece I planned on writing about
emotional passion (in relationship to my perspective of Mel Gibson's movie
that I am going to share next) turned very metaphysical on me. So it
may be confusing in a different way than the emotional intimacy I share in
the additional Newsletter page. (At the last
moment, I decided to move the piece about emotional passion to the end of
the Newsletter page and the Communication section to this page.)
The bottom line, is that I wanted to share here a quote from that
Newsletter page about courage for those of you who don't make it that far
in reading this Update. I think it would be valuable to add this perspective
of courage to your recovery to help you in your process of learning to stop
judging and shaming yourself so much. So I will include that excerpt
and then jump right into the movie review.
"Most people have a misunderstanding about courage.
They think that courage is something that feels strong and powerful and confident.
That is not true at all. Courage is when we are scared to death and
we move forward anyway. A example I have used over the years to help
people understand this is: that a person who charges a machine gun nest
and does not feel fear is not courageous - they are insane.
What courage feels like in actual experience is: "Oh crap, I have
to do this." Courage is a soul compulsion. It is when our soul,
our Spirit, is telling us that we need to do something no matter how scared
we are - no matter how terrifying it appears to be.
Courage isn't necessarily about doing something we want to do,
it is definitely about doing something we need to do.
We become willing to move through our fear of the unknown because our intuition
guides us, our soul compels us, to move forward - to take the plunge." -
Newsletter March 2004 Update
There was no passion in the Christ in Mel Gibson's The Passion
of The Christ.
By Robert Burney
The Passion of Christ is masterful and compelling movie
making. Mel Gibson knows how to make a movie. It is also relentlessly,
brutally violent. I am a former actor. I love well made movies
and great acting performances. Violence in movies does not bother me.
The brutality in this movie was so relentless and intense that it caused me
to flinch several times. It brought to mind the type of Christian fanatics
that wore hair shirts and flagellated themselves in self torture for their
shameful humanness - to try to emulate what they thought was the suffering
This is an excerpt from the Joy2MeU Journal that has not actually
been published in the Journal as yet. Hopefully the next 4 or 5 pages
of the Journal will be published in the next few weeks including the installment
of my personal journal that includes this excerpt. I share that personal
journal as part The Path of one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance
of one wounded soul - the story of my recovery
and Spiritual Path. For anyone who would like further explore my beliefs
about Jesus, here are some links.
What bothered me more than the violence and brutality though,
is that I was never emotionally involved in the movie. The movie -
to me - did not have heart. The actor who portrayed Jesus had no passion.
He stoically endured his torture - occasionally reacting out of his "weak"
humanity, occasionally proclaiming higher Truth in a stern manner. The
word that came to mind for me to describe this version of Jesus, was Calvinistic.
Dour and austere are adjectives that come to mind. I just looked up
Calvinistic in the dictionary - and it is an accurate term for what I felt
about the portrayal.
". . . emphasizing the depravity and helplessness of
man . . . "
In flashback scenes the actor had a "holy" benevolent loving look down perfectly.
He gazed with benevolent love as he pronounced his Truths and taught his
disciples. But he didn't have any passion - no emotional intensity.
Jesus as I know Jesus was a robust, passionate man. A man
who would laugh from his belly, and shed tears of sorrow. A man who
would become enraged at blasphemy - and fling over the moneychangers tables
in the temple.
And Jesus as I understand Jesus, was a mystical messenger successfully
completing a Karmic mission. To my mind, there should have been - as
he was hanging on the cross dying - a moment of triumph. A moment where
we could see the Joy he was feeling at accomplishing his mission. For
a True believer to die a martyrs death is triumph.
Even if he was "the only begotten son of God" - which is to me
a ridiculous compromise worked out by a committee in the politically motivated
and emotionally charged atmosphere of the Council of Nicea - he would have
known that death is an illusion. He would have known he was doing something
that was changing the course of history. There would have at least
been some satisfaction in accomplishing his mission.
How could this man, whose life and death has so impacted the course
of human history, not have been passionate? That to me, was the fatal
flaw in this movie. There was no heart. There was no passion in
the Christ in Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ.
|"We all have available to us - within - a direct
channel to the Highest Vibrational Frequency Range within The Illusion. That
highest range involves consciousness of the Glory of ONENESS. It is called
Cosmic Consciousness. It is called Christ Consciousness.
This is the energy that Jesus was tuned
into, and he stated very plainly, "These things that I do, you can do also."
- by atoning, by tuning in.
We have access to the Christ Energy
within. We have begun the Second Coming of the message of Love."
(All quotes in this color are from
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Jesus, in my opinion, was the most important Master Teacher
in the history of humankind. The reason he was so important was that he taught
Love. He carried the message of a Loving God-Force.
Jesus was a perfect Spiritual Being, a direct extension/manifestation
from the ONENESS that is the God/Goddess Energy, having a human experience
- just as we all are perfect Spiritual Beings having a human experience."
- Jesus & Christ Consciousness
- A very Special Messenger
|"The bible is not some sacrosanct document that presents an accurate
account of events that happened 2000 years ago. It is a hodgepodge of
writing (unknown individuals writing about what they had heard happened
50 to 100 years prior to their time) by different writers that were chosen
to be "The Bible" because of political factors within the early church (up
to 590 AD or CE is considered the early years.)
In fact the declaration that Jesus was God was made in 325
AD by the Council of Nicea. It was not a concept that was taught
by his disciples after his death. It was the church founded by Paul (who
never met Jesus) among the gentiles that started teaching that Jesus was
Divine. This was a raging debate in the early church that led to riots
(after Christianity was legalized in the Roman Empire in 311 AD) between
different factions and led to Emperor Constantine calling the Council of
Nicea to decide the matter." - Jesus & Mary Magdalene
- Jesus, sexuality, & the bible
|"The name and significance of Jesus Christ carries great metaphysical
power because of the importance of the message of Love carried by this Master
Teacher. People who are not practicing discernment and still viewing
life from a black and white perspective, often resonate with the Truth of
Love symbolized by Jesus and don't know how to separate the feeling of connection
and Love associated with Christ Consciousness from the distortions and lies
that became a part of Christianity because it was a state religion being
used by governments - beginning with Rome - to control and manipulate the
masses." - Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light Chapter
14 Spiritual Manifesto
One of my Goddess given gifts is an ability to communicate complex and complicated
ideas / dynamics / concepts in relatively simple terms. This is, of
course, the gift of any great teacher. A person can be a genius, can
have great knowledge, without having the capacity to communicate that knowledge
to anyone who isn't highly knowledgeable themselves.
Communication is actually a very difficult and challenging task.
In the second article of my Healthy Relationship series, I talk about how
communication is the foundation of a healthy romantic relationship - and that
is true with any relationship. Communicating with someone one on one
is a much simpler task than communicating with a larger audience - and yet
it is extremely difficult one on one for a multitude of reasons. It is challenging
just in terms of surface communication before any of the other levels are
brought into play.
"For the purpose of this discussion
I am going to divide communication into two levels: surface communication
having to do with ideas, facts, details, concepts, etc. - and emotional communication.
In reality, of course, all communication contains aspects of both levels
- and in relationship, the emotional level is by far the most important and
One of the reasons that my web pages have gotten so long in recent years
is because I am attempting to communicate with a large audience from very
different backgrounds, at many different levels of consciousness / recovery.
In terms of surface communication, it is
very important to establish a common language. And I am not talking
here about one person speaking English and one speaking French. I am
talking about two people who speak the same language linguistically but have
different interpretations of various words due to a variety of factors -
i.e. raised in different geographic, religious, or cultural environments,
different educational or economic levels, different life experiences, etc.
Two people who are on Spiritual paths might speak a slightly different language
because one has been involved in Twelve Step Recovery while another has been
pursuing a Shamanistic path or Buddhist or whatever." - Healthy Romantic
Relationships - part
2, Communication is Key
And I am attempting to communicate on multiple levels. There
are always multiple levels involved in any attempt at communication between
people because we are complicated and complex beings. This is one of
the things I point out in the Author's Foreword to my online book in progress.
(Which I will get around to finishing one of these days.)
"The individual human being is a
fully contained system involving multiple interrelationships within multiple
levels. This is easy to see, and understand, when looking at the physical
level. The interrelationship of the organs to each other, to the blood,
to the skin, to the nervous system, etc. - is a dance of grand, and compelling,
One of the reasons communication is so hard between people is because we
were never taught how to understand our own internal communication.
We were taught to focus externally and to have a dysfunctional relationship
with our own emotions.
Just as grand, and compelling, is the complexity
of the dance of interrelationship between the mental, emotional, and spiritual
components/levels that dynamically interact to form the make up of the individual
being - the persona, personality, consciousness, of the self. The more
awareness is acquired about the different levels of the self, and the interrelationships
between those levels, the easier it becomes to diagnose the dysfunctional
interaction dynamics." - Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in
The Light Book 2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life Author's Foreword
"Emotions have two vitally important purposes for human
beings. Emotions are a form of communication. Our feelings are
one of the means by which we define ourselves. The interaction of our
intellect and our emotions determines how we relate to ourselves.
The reason my article on the 10th and 11th steps got so long is because those
steps, in the context of codependency recovery, are really about understanding
our own internal communication - learning discernment in recognizing what
parts of our being the conflicting internal messages and reactions are coming
Our emotional energy is also the fuel that propels us down the
pathways of our life journey. E-motions are the orchestra that provide
the music for our individual dances - that dictate the rhythmic flow and
movement of our human dance. Our feelings help us to define ourselves
and then provide the combustible fuel that dictates the speed and direction
of our motion - rather we are flowing with it or damming it up within ourselves."
- Discernment in relationship
to emotional honesty and responsibility 2
"Our emotions are what drive us, what propel us, through life.
Our emotions tell us who we are. If our relationship with our own emotions
is messed up, we cannot see reality clearly.
If life is a dance, then our emotions provide the music.
Dancing in the dark according to rules that are dysfunctional is not much
fun. Dancing through life believing that we have responsibility for
the feelings and behaviors of others, doesn't allow us to relax and enjoy
life very much. Believing that we have to earn love by doing the dance
"right,' by being perfect, in order to reach the destination where we will
get to live happily-ever-after - sets us up to be unhappy and blame ourselves
for being unworthy and unlovable." - Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 2
- codependence recovery
Another reason that my articles have gotten longer, is that I made
a choice in the the evolution of my writing for the web not to talk down my
audience. In the first year or two I was writing for the web I kind of soft
peddled controversial topics in my articles because I didn't want people
who were new to recovery - or alternative spiritual perspectives - to reject
the information about emotional healing or codependency that could be helpful
to them because they still had a black and white perspective in other areas.
I eventually decided to give my audience the honor of respecting
that they could pick the baby out of the bath water - that they would hear
what they needed to hear. And if they rejected my work as whole because of
a disagreement with something I wrote, then that was something I was powerless
over. The Truth is that I can only try to communicate as clearly as
possible and let go of the outcome - I do not have the power to make other
people hear me if they aren't ready or don't speak my language.
And, bottom line, the number 1 reason I write here - my first priority
- is because it is what I need to do for my recovery. If I am able to
communicate in a way that helps you, in the process of getting clearer on
what is going on inside me - that is a great gift that springs out of the
miraculous power of the 12 step recovery process. In writing this page
I am working the twelfth step by sharing with you my 10th and 11th step processing.
I am writing because that is what works for me as a part of the "daily maintenance"
of my "spiritual condition." I am doing it to understand what is going
on within me - and to keep my self open to communication from my Self / Spirit
In the first Newsletter for my original web site I shared the two
key factors in the evolution of my approach to being a teacher - and included
the following quote from it on my page Choosing a therapist or
counselor with discernment.
"There were two interrelated things that I had to get clear
about when I started working as a therapist: One is that I am powerless
over other people - over the pace of their progress, over whether they hear
what I am saying to them, over where their path leads. I watched a
good friend die of Alcoholism (which is in a column in the Alcoholism section)
and saw how clearly he helped other alcoholics stay sober because he couldn't
- he did more to keep more people sober than many of the sober people I know.
I can't know what someone else's path is - therefore I can't tell them what
is right and wrong. What I can do is help them see themselves clearer
(especially as to understanding how their childhood experiences have dictated
their lives), see their choices and the possible consequences clearer, and
know that we are Spiritual Beings going to boarding school not taking a test
we can fail.
All human beings feel the same basic emotions. All human beings
have the same basic emotional dynamics - and the same
fundamental internal dynamics in terms of the interrelationship of the mental
and emotional components of our beings.
Which brings me to the second thing, which I believe is a Spiritual
Truth - I teach best what I need most to learn. I teach people how to
Love themselves because I am trying to learn how to Love myself. I
learned to always listen to what I was saying because, though I have no control
whether anyone else hears me, I do have the power to choose to hear myself
- and there is always something in what I am saying that applies to me and
my process in that moment. . . . . I am in process just as my clients
are - just as we all are. There is no hierarchy as far as I am concerned
- just one wounded person/Magnificent Spiritual Being sharing what has worked
for me with another wounded person/Magnificent Spiritual Being. I am doing
what I need to do for myself, to heal myself - it doesn't have to do with
anyone else - that it helps other people is just a bonus (and an opportunity to settle Karma)." - Joy to
You & Me Newsletter I - July 1,1998
The reason that so many people write me to
tell me that if feels like I am telling their story, is because they relate
to the emotions I share. When I am sharing my emotional process it doesn't
matter how sophisticated the level of recovery is that I am dealing with,
how subtle the levels of denial I am peeling away in my process today - it
is still possible for someone new to the process to relate to the feelings
I share. Someone on a basic level, new to recovery, can relate to someone
who has been at it for many years - because of emotional resonance.
One of the things I try to communicate with people I work with is,
that understanding the dynamics of relationship - both internal and external
- is more important than surface details. What I try to do in my work
with people individually, and in my writing, is not so much about giving
you answers as about helping you understand how to start asking the right
questions - help you change your perspective of self and life so that you
are focusing on causal dynamics rather than effect / symptoms.
To paraphrase a parable, what I do is not about giving people a
fish to feed them for a day, but rather is about teaching them how to fish
so they can feed themselves. I try to teach people how to see and understand
their own inner dynamic from Loving, compassionate perspectives that allow
them to become empowered to become positive co-creators of their own lives
- to be in recovery healing their wounds and changing their ego programming,
by following their own personal Spiritual guidance / intuition.
As I tell people so often, there is nothing wrong with who we are
- it is our relationship with our self and life that got messed up in childhood.
We have the power to change our relationship with self and life. That
is the great news. The bad news level of that (feels like bad
news;-), is that it does require that we feel our feelings. It is vital
to start allowing ourselves to grieve and heal the emotional wounds so that
we can get more clearly in touch with, change our relationship with, our
This brings me to the points I wanted to make when I started to
write this introductory section. In the section about courage on the
separate Newsletter page, I share about what is going on in my recovery process
from a pretty emotional perspective. This is a level of intimacy that
I don't normally share here on Joy2MeU.com. I usually reserve this
type of "in to me see" for my Joy2MeU Journal.
I am sharing it now because it was the emotional space I was / am
experiencing when it came time to write this Update. I am sharing it
as part of my ongoing assignment to be willing to role model that it is okay
to be an imperfect, wounded human being in the process of recovery.
I am sharing it because it is important for me to celebrate and affirm the
monumental breakthrough I have made in my process. I am sharing what
is happening with me as a way of owning and honoring the courage I have shown
in following my Spiritual Path. And I share it to demonstrate how that
courage has given me the freedom to passionately feel Joy and bliss in many
of the moments of today, in spite of, because of, the fact that I am also
deeply grieving the pain of "crushed hopes, broken dreams,
and devastating heart breaks" from the past - and feeling great fear
about a future unknown outcome (a potential reenactment of the most heart
rending loss of them all.)
In the course of that sharing, I mention some things that may be
outside of your perspective if you haven't read my book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls - or if
you are new to this site, to my version of recovery. Such things as:
past lives; Twin Soul; ancient wounds; hundredth monkey
principle; Karmic settlement. I wanted to make a point here that
it is not necessary to your codependency recovery to deal with any of these
kinds of issues. I needed to explore the larger Cosmic Perspective
of this experience of being human because it was my Spiritual Path in this
lifetime. I needed to have an understanding of the complexity of this
human dance in order to be able to write my book.
"About 5 years ago, while doing a workshop at a New Thought
Church in the San Fernando Valley one of the participants asked me a question.
(This might actually have been the same workshop that provided me with the
lesson about flowers that I mention often - it was the same church, where
I did several workshops, and I think it was probably the same day. This
also may be a story I have told elsewhere - can't remember right now.)
The question isn't important to this discussion, but the remarks he made to
preface the question are relevant.
(The flower story mentioned in this quote is told in the second page of the Newsletter
portion of my June 2003 Update.)
He said something to the effect, "Boy you are like an olympic
athlete or something in this area. You really know this stuff."
I first said something like, "I had to get to know it because
I was so sick" - then amended it to "I mean wounded."
And that was part of the Truth - because I was very wounded.
It was not the larger reason however - because you all out there have been
very wounded also, and you don't need to know this stuff like I do.
The larger reason I had to understand the wounding and recovery process for
codependency was because of my mission in this lifetime. I had to go
to great lengths of understanding very complex and complicated issues in
order to be able to explain them in a relatively simple manner.
My Quest to find a Spiritual belief system that could support
the possibility that I was Loved and Lovable, led me to developing a Cosmic
perspective of this life business that was / is huge. At the same time
that I was expanding the intellectual paradigm with which I viewed life,
I was pursuing my emotional healing.
It was when my personal emotional healing process came together
with the expanding consciousness I was being led to on my mystical Quest,
that my book was born. In order to write my book (by the way, 4,352
copies of the third printing were delivered last Friday afternoon Nov. 7th
- hurrah!) I had to come to an understanding that was far beyond what I would
have needed for my personal healing process." - My Unfolding Dance 24 Published
November 14, 2003
And I also want to make the point that the intensity of the grief
I describe here is not a level that everyone in recovery needs to go to.
It will be important at some point in any person's codependency recovery /
inner child healing to be willing to do the deep grieving of sobbing and
crying. How often you need to do that, or how soon, is not something
you get to know right now. There is not a right or wrong way to do recovery.
There is no time table that one is supposed to meet. There is no destination
You will be led to do what you need to when you need to. The
more open and willing you are to go where you are led, the easier the process
will be for you to access the courage to take the risk of venturing into the
unknown - of being willing to endure the discomfort of feeling the feelings.
Relatively easy that is - relatively easier as you make progress - because
feeling feelings intensely is always going to be uncomfortable for those
of us who grew up, and live, in environments in which "normal" is emotionally
repressive and dishonest.
One of the most important parts of this process is to accept and
Love ourselves where we are at, at the same time we become willing to give
recovery priority in our lives. It is human to resist and procrastinate.
It is human to want to avoid the discomfort of feeling the feelings.
Judging and shaming our self for our feelings - or for our human resistance
- is the disease at work.
I am going to use one more quote from my journal to make my points
here, and then plunge into the emotional stuff.
" . . . . . . . it provides a reminder that you all
do not have to get into issues to the depth I have had to do. That
includes not only in terms of past lives, but also in terms of breaking the
inner child wounding down into so many ages, and going so pain stakingly
through so many layers of wounding. You all have lives to live that
don't afford you the luxury of spending almost all of your time and energy
focused on recovery. It is one of those good news bad news good news
situations again. The good news is the Universe has manifested the
support I need - primarily through Love Offerings from you all (to keep the book in print) - to make my life all
about recovery. The bad news being that means it has taken me years
to painfully work through the levels of my fear of intimacy issues with lots
of grieving, deprivation, and solitude - much of the time needing to use
a microscope to see into every dark crevice of my inner landscape.
The very good news being that I am doing work that I Love and am being guided
down a magnificent, magical path that includes Joy in almost every day, and
occasionally allows my spirit to soar on the wings of Love and Joy for prolonged
periods of time - the flying times I talk about, which this particular writing
frenzy most emphatically has turned out to be. . . . . .
It is because my recovery process has unfolded as it has that I have written
so much in recent years. I get to be the guinea pig in learning the
complexities of the process so that I can explain them to you in ways that
help you take a much shorter path than I have needed to follow. It is
a blessed gift - and an extremely difficult path at the same time. It
is my path, my blessing - that can sometimes feel like my curse.
. . . . What I am attempting to communicate to you here is the
dynamics of the process - not the "right" way to do it. I am trying
to help you understand the framework that has been so helpful to me - not
specific blueprints of how you need to do it. And also, I guess, I
am getting the opportunity to role model how vital it is to be honest with
self - and how flawed and imperfect I have been and am. A Magnificent
Spiritual being having a human experience. :-)
Another reason is . . . . . .
"A big part of my mission in this lifetime - in terms
of the amends I needed to make to humanity - was to write my book. . . .
. . . . . In order to come to a level of understanding of how
this dance of life works, and be able to communicate that understanding in
a fairly simple straight forward manner, I had to do a lot of work in terms
of getting in touch with past lives. . . . . . .
The work that I needed to do is not work that other's need to
do in order to do their healing. The Karmic issues we need to settle
are reflected in our childhood wounds - and doing the inner child healing
will heal the Karma necessary for most people. I want to make a point
of that so that no one out there thinks that past life work is something you
have to do. If you need to do any, you will be led to do it. I
needed to do it in order to write the book." - Dance 6 - July thru October 2000 - posted 2-2001
The Path of one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance
of one wounded soul My Unfolding Dance 28 Published January 20, 2004
What I have to share with you here is a monumental breakthrough
in my quest to learn how to Love myself and be open to Loving and being Loved
by another person in an intimate relationship. It is a Joyous miraculous
gift in my life - and a very painful transformation. I will be eternally
grateful for the incredible adventure that the first part of 2004 has been
Go to additional Newsletter page of
March 2004 Update