Joy to You & Me
and Joy2MeU Update
August 4, 2002
To all the Magnificent
Spiritual Beings on my e-mailing list,
Hello all. It has been over 3 and a half months since
my last Update - and I haven't actually added that much to the web site in
that period. There are a combination of reasons for that. For
one thing I just got back from my annual summer trip with my son back to the
hot and humid Midwest. It is always pretty strange for me to go back
to the little town (1600 people) in Nebraska where I grew up. I refer
to it as a trip to the Twilight Zone because it is a different world back
there. And I don't just mean Nebraska when I say that. I would
feel that way spending any period of time surrounded by people who are not
in recovery, who do not have a clue what living a Spiritual life means.
There are plenty of people here in California who just reacting out of their
codependency without having a clue there is another way to live life - to
say nothing of people who are in recovery of some kind but are still unconsciously
living in reaction to their childhood programming. It is just that
when I am back there I am immersed in it for a period of time - and it reminds
me where I came from.
This time it was for two weeks - and I was once again given
plenty of reasons to be very grateful for my path. The most blatant
of these came on the flights there and returning. Both times delayed
flights caused us to miss a connecting flight. On the way home I was
forced to spend an unscheduled night in Phoenix because of a missed connection.
I was so immensely grateful that I have learned to live my life in alignment
with the Serenity Prayer so that I could accept the things I couldn't change
easily and go with the flow of how life was unfolding. Watching people
caught up in melodramatic trauma dramas about what a tragedy they were experiencing
because of the disruption of their plans - without a clue of how much easier
it would be for them just to accept reality and make the best of it - was
a sad and bleak demonstration to me of why the world is so screwed up.
People were freaking out and being abusive to airline personnel because they
don't know how to live life in any way but from a victim perspective - and
when their lives get out of control they have to blame someone. Really
sad.
I actually spent two different periods of time with my son
this summer because his schedule of summer school and boy scout camp did not
allow for one trip together. So I flew him out here at the end of May
for about 10 days - and then flew us both to Nebraska from the 10th to 24th
of July (well 25th in my case.) In between those two trips I
spent close to a month writing for the Joy2MeU Journal.
I had planned on getting this Update out prior to leaving on
my trip on July 10th - but the writing I was doing for my Journal was too
important to me on a personal level for me to accomplish that. So,
I had to let go of that goal until now. (I will share about the importance
of that writing to me in the space below this table.)
So, from the last part of May until now at the end of July,
my time was basically divided between my son and writing for my Journal.
I was doing phone counseling through that time - except for the two weeks
in the Midwest - but in terms of my writing time I didn't have much to devote
to this web site.
In the April Update, I stated that I hoped I would be finishing
the articles in the The Miracle of The Twelve Step Recovery Process series
shortly. That hasn't happened yet because what I thought was going
to be a five part series on The codependency movement is NOT ruining marriages!
turned into a full scale online book. Six chapters of it are now posted
- and I do not know how many more chapters are to come. I find it a
quite exciting work that looks at levels and layers of the phenomena of codependence
from perspectives I have not explored to this depth previously. I think
many of you will find it quite helpful.
When I will get the remaining chapters posted - or the twelve
step articles finished - I have no idea. Once I get this Update out,
I need to send out requests to printers for quotes on a second printing of
my book. I had done that in June when I believed that I needed to get
the publishing process started before leaving on my trip. When I picked up
the remainder of my books from the storage facility I had been using for them
in late June, I found that I had a case more books left than I had thought.
This means that I have enough books left to last into September - so I was
able to let go of the urgency I felt about getting more printed until August.
And quotes from printers are only good for 30 days - I think because the price
of paper fluctuates.
So, next on the agenda is getting that publishing process going
forward. I still have no idea where the funding to do that second printing
is going to come from. I really do not want to have my book go out
of print in September. Not having books to sell would threaten my ability
to keep this web site viable - although not immediately probably, but it
would be very detrimental to my ability to pay my rent. I can accept
the Universe's plan however it unfolds but I would prefer to keep The Dance
of Wounded Souls in print and available - and as I said in the first Newsletter
of my January Update, I would
prefer not to be homeless again. I have rewritten the Investment Opportunity
page as it mentions in the right hand column - and renamed it Future Publications. It has
evolved into more of a page on which I am musing about what the future holds
for my book and future books - and a prayer to the Universe for support -
than a pitch to get investors. I am moving forward with faith that the
Universe will manifest the money necessary in some way, rather that is because
of one or more of you readers coming to the rescue or some other miracle.
More Will Be Revealed.
After sending the request for quotes out, my plan at this time
is to get back to doing some more writing for the Joy2MeU Journal. We
will see how that plan pans out.
Oh, and one other thing I wanted to bring you up to date on.
I make mention several times in my April Update about some health concerns
that were up for me. I am very happy to report that what was happening
turned out to be a false alarm. Some time ago I was told that I was
borderline diabetic - and was given a little device for testing my blood
sugar. I made changes to my diet and got that blood sugar problem under
control with diet and exercise. I had not even used the little device
for several months until some time in March. When I did do that testing
one day just on a whim - it was way too high. It continued to be way
too high as I desperately tried some different ways to get it under control.
I even postponed a scheduled appointment with the Nurse Practitioner I see
at the Veterans Administration because I was trying to get it under control
before seeing her. She is big on pushing medication - and I do not want
to go on any medication, thus I was trying different dietary things, supplements,
herbs, whatever. About the time I wrote my April Update I was almost
at the point of surrendering to the need for some medication when I ran out
of testing strips and opened a new batch. It turned out the testing
strips were bad and that there was nothing wrong with my blood sugar.
That was a big relief - and a perfect part of my unfolding lesson plan of
course.
So, the additions I have made since the last Update in terms
of content pages are the 5 additional chapters of that current online book.
I have also added links, referral resources, new bookstores that have stocked
The Dance, and such things - including several collections of really wonderful
testimonials and a testimonial for the phone counseling that I really Love.
I have also raised the prices for the book and tapes.
With the recent rise in the postal rates - which is the third or fourth time
they have been raised since I set the price for the book - it just became
necessary to cover increased shipping costs. On single copy orders of
the book or tape set, I raised the price $.45 - from 15.50 to 15.95 for the
book. I had to raise the multiple copies rates even farther because
the Postal Service really changed the Priority Mail schedule - introducing
zone rates for any package over 1 lb so that some mailings of 3 or 4 books
have increased as much as $2 in cost.
I am also going to be raising the phone counseling rates in
early September - probably September 3rd as that is the date I raised them
last year. They will only go up a little - the rate for a single hour
and a half session from $37.50 to $40, and a single hour session from $30
to $35. They are still going to be incredibly affordable - and more
than worth the price.
|
Additions to the site since the April Update include:
There are now 6 Chapters published of
the online book in progress:
The
codependency movement is NOT ruining marriages!
Chapter 2: Romantic Relationships
Chapter 3: Emotional Honesty
Chapter 4: false self image
Chapter 5: Pavlov's Dog
Chapter 6: self worth
& ego strength
The Investment Opportunity Page has evolved
to being something more, so has been renamed Future
Publications and includes my newest ideas in this regard.
In addition:
Bookstores in North Carolina, Georgia,
and California stocked the book - these are listed on bottom of New page.
Some new links - including one to a site about mercury poisoning
that I think may be very helpful to some people.
A new collection of heart felt and touching
testimonials for the book, tapes,
and web site are also on the New Page - and a phone counseling testimonial
that brought tears to my eyes.
Three new resources have been added to
the Referral to local Therapist / Counselors page
- including one in New Jersey, one in Canada, and a therapist on the Isle
of Jersey in the British Channel Islands. I also added links to the
web sites for two treatment centers that offer workshops and intensive week
long programs because of inquiries I have gotten for people looking for this
type of resources.
I signed up as an affiliate of Hazelden, the most respected and leading publisher of
recovery books - and added their banner to the New page.
Articles added to my Suite101 page since last Update:
Obsession / Obsessive Thinking
Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 2
Discernment - The Wisdom to Know the Difference
Serenity - Accepting the things we cannot change
Links to past Update Newsletters for the
Joy2MeU site (launched February 4, 1999) can be found on the Information index page. Links to the Newsletters
of my original Joy to You & Me web site (launched February 28, 1998) can
be found on the Joy to You & Me page which list
pages from that site not moved to Joy2MeU.
Information about the
Joy2MeU Journal
|
Processing: the key to Consciousness
As I mentioned above, I am quite excited by the online book I am
in the process of writing. In The codependency movement is NOT ruining
marriages!, I am exploring and explaining the dynamics of the condition
of codependency and the process of recovery in some new ways. I think
there is some very valuable information and insight in every chapter that
I have published so far. I am just going to mention a couple of points
here that are related to the reference I made above to the reason this Update
is being posted now instead of at the beginning of July as I originally planned.
What is so important to understand about recovery from codependency,
is that it is rooted in our relationship with our self. Because of
that, the only way to recover from it is by becoming more conscious in our
relationship with our self. In Chapter 5, I talk about behavior modification
and Pavlov's Dog. Codependency is not only a form of Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder / Delayed Stress Syndrome (Codependence as Delayed Stress Syndrome), it is the result
of behavior modification. Behavior modification is used on both animals
and people to train them to behave in a way that is acceptable to whomever
has power over them. This results in conditioned reflexes - programmed
reactions that are the result of conditioning. The differences in the
impact that behavior modification has on animals and people, is that human
beings have a conscious relationship with self that is affected by behavior
modification. In childhood, as we are forming our conscious relationship
with self, behavior modification - both intentional and unintentional - can
have a traumatic impact on our sense of self, our feelings of self worth.
"A dog who was abused as a puppy can
unlearn their conditioned reflexes by spending enough time in a safe and
loving environment. Although a safe and loving environment can be very
valuable to a human being who is healing from their childhood wounding -
the emotional trauma they experienced because of behavior modification experiences
in early childhood - love from external sources is not enough to heal a
person's relationship with self."
The codependency movement
is NOT ruining marriages! Chapter 5 Pavlov's dog
Codependency is a reactive condition that is rooted in our childhood programming.
An adult can modify their behavior to a certain extent - in reaction to
the behavior modification lessons that life brings - without dealing with
their childhood wounds. But it is impossible to have a healthy emotionally
intimate relationship with another person without dealing with the fear
of intimacy (Fear of Intimacy)
we developed in reaction to our first childhood experience of love.
It is impossible to develop a Truly Loving relationship with self without
healing the wounds at the core of our relationship with self - and that
can only be done by becoming conscious of our relationship with self.
Until we start seeing how our patterns in intimate relationships have been
dictated by our childhood wounding we are doomed to keep repeating those
relationship patterns - or to go to the other extreme and just live in isolation.
Intellectual knowledge of what healthy behavior looks like is not
enough to change our behavior patterns in intimate relationships, because
our behavior patterns are driven by our emotional wounds. Intellectual
knowledge of healthy behavior and Spiritual Truth can help us to become
healthier in our behavior with people we don't care that much about, but
when it comes to opening our hearts to another human being - codependency
rules.
"My behavior did not match my words because my behavior
patterns were driven by my emotional wounds. As long as I had no capacity
to be emotionally honest, my codependency defended me based upon the programming
it adapted in reaction to the emotional trauma I had experienced in early
childhood.
My codependent defense system is set up to try to keep me from
being abandoned, betrayed, and rejected by someone to whom I have opened my
heart. As a little child, my heart was completely open to my parents.
They emotionally abandoned and betrayed me because they were programmed to
emotionally abandon and betray themselves. It felt to me as a child
as if they had rejected me because something was wrong with me.
My ego adopted an emotional defense system - codependency - to
try protect me and keep secret the fact that I was a shameful and defective,
a pitiful excuse for a man. Since I felt unlovable and unworthy, and
I thought I was the only person who felt that way, I had to keep what a loser
I was secret. I had to be emotionally dishonest with myself to try to
stay unconscious to how I felt at the depths of my being. I had to
be emotionally dishonest - and therefore dishonest to some extent on other
levels - in my relationships with other people because it felt like anyone
who found out my secret would run away screaming in horror. If anyone
could see who I really was, they would reject me - they would abandon and
betray me like my parents had."
The codependency movement is NOT ruining marriages!
Chapter 4 - false self image
In order to open up to receiving Love, it is necessary to consciously change
our core relationship with our self so that our codependent ego defenses
are not sabotaging our efforts. We need to start learning how to accept
and Love our self before we can Truly open up to the possibility that another
person can Love us.
"I was investing an incredible amount of energy into projecting
an image to other people. That image had much more Truth in it than
falsehood - but I didn't know that. I was doing it to try to get the
Love and respect and validation that I was so starved for. But I didn't
believe it, so when I did get love and validation it did not work to make
me feel good about myself deep inside. It did not change my core relationship
with myself. I could not truly accept / take in / own the external validation
because I thought I was living a lie. I thought I was a fraud and was
fooling you when you liked me.
This is part of the ultimate dysfunction of codependency.
We put so much energy into reaching the goal, earning your love, doing what
we think is necessary to "fix" our self, and if we get that which we have
been pursuing, it doesn't work. . . . . . . Looking outside to fill
the hole within is dysfunctional. As long as I was still reacting
to the toxic shame I felt about my self from early childhood, then what I
was doing in my interactions (inter-reactions) is being dishonest and manipulative.
It did not matter if most of what I was saying was the real Truth about who
I am - I didn't believe it."
The codependency movement is NOT ruining marriages!
Chapter 4 - false self image
It is wonderful and valuable to get validation from external sources, but
it will not work to heal our relationship with our self unless we are consciously
working on doing that our self. As long as we are still relating to
our self based upon the intellectual programming (both conscious and subconscious)
and emotional wounds from our childhood, we cannot see our self clearly.
As long as we are only looking to external sources to determine who we are
and if we have worth, we cannot heal our relationship with self or take power
away from our fear of intimacy.
The only way that we can be in recovery from codependency is to start
changing the way we are looking at, and relating to, our self.
We have to get more conscious of what is going on inside of us in order
to change how we are relating to our self - so that we can change the way
we relate to life and other people.
In other words, we need to start taking responsibility for our own
lives. We need to start owning our power to change our relationship
with self. We need to start learning how to make choices instead
of just react. We can have the ability to respond - response ability
- to life differently once we start becoming more conscious.
And the key to becoming more conscious is to start learning how to
process what is going on in our lives in a way that will give us more clarity.
"The process of processing is a dynamic that in many ways
is easier to demonstrate over time than it is to explain. Explaining
it on an intellectual level is complicated and difficult because the process
itself involves being able to look at multiple levels. The recovery
process is spiritual, emotional, and mental. These levels are separate
but intimately interrelated.
In learning how to achieve some emotional balance in our lives,
it is necessary to be able to look at our self, our own inner process, and
the life dynamic itself, from different perspectives. It is this looking
at different levels that is the process of processing. Processing
is a matter of looking at, filtering, discerning, getting clear about what
is happening at any given moment in our relationship with life, with ourselves,
with everything that is stimulating us."
The Recovery Process for inner child healing 1:
Sharing my experience, strength, and hope
Consciousness involves being actively conscious of how different parts
of us are reacting to whatever is happening in our lives at any particular
moment. I learned that I needed to observe / keep scanning / paying
attention to / taking inventory of, what was happening in my internal dynamic
and in my external environment continually in order to be on guard so that
I wasn't allowing the old tapes and wounds from the past to define and dictate
my experience of life today.
"It is in relationship to learning how to set internal boundaries
that the process of processing is so important. Processing involves
observing our own internal dynamic. Observing our thoughts and feelings.
It is very important to raise our consciousness, to become more conscious,
of our own process.
When we start observing our internal process then we can start
discerning between the different levels involved - we can start separating
out the codependent, dysfunctional messages from the information that is useful
and informative. Then we can start setting internal boundaries within
the mental, between the mental and emotional, and within the emotional levels
of our being."
The Recovery Process for inner child healing 4
- the process of processing - internal boundaries
Codependency is not an issue we deal with and then get on with our lives.
Recovery is a way of life. It is necessary to move through our life
with consciousness in order to stop the childhood programming from running
our lives. The more we recover, the less power the old tapes and old
wounds have - but they do not go away.
It is through healing our inner child, our
inner children, by grieving the wounds that we suffered, that we can change
our behavior patterns and clear our emotional process. We can release
the grief with its pent-up rage, shame, terror, and pain from those feeling
places which exist within us.
That does not mean that the wound will ever
be completely healed. There will always be a tender spot, a painful
place within us due to the experiences that we have had. What it does
mean is that we can take the power away from those wounds. By
bringing them out of the darkness into the Light, by releasing the energy,
we can heal them enough so that they do not have the power to dictate how
we live our lives today. We can heal them enough to change the quality
of our lives dramatically. We can heal them enough to Truly be happy,
Joyous and free in the moment most of the time.
(All text in this color are quotes from
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
In recovery we are developing a sense of balance, a feeling for what
balance feels like, so that we can catch ourselves when we are swinging out
of balance. We are here to experience being human and to do this healing.
If we are not in recovery, then we can not be consciously present in the
moment to enjoy our journey. I did not title my book the "dance" of
wounded souls just out of poetic whimsy - life is a dance.
"Emotional balance is not a destination. It is a constantly
changing dance. In doing our reprogramming intellectually, and our
emotional and Spiritual healing - we are changing the music of our dance.
We are choosing to have the opportunity to dance with Love and Joy, to dance
in Light and Truth - instead of in darkness and disharmony. In order
to have the capacity to dance with Love and Joy, we must first be willing
to dance with our anger and fear, with the pain and sadness. Through
owning our wounded inner children, we get to uncover and release the spontaneous,
playful, Joyous Spiritual child within that is the one who will lead us home
to LOVE.
Balance in dancing is about having a feeling for equilibrium, moving
in harmony, adjusting, balancing, rebalancing. Likewise our inner dance
of finding balance is an ongoing process - ever changing, fluctuating, oscillating
in tune with the vibrational rhythms. Once we learn to have a sense
of balance, a feeling for emotional clarity, then we are able to adjust and
rebalance more quickly when some external (life event, other people's behavior)
or internal (wounded child reaction, old tape kicking in) stimuli throws
us out of balance."
The Recovery Process for inner child healing
4 - the process of processing - internal boundaries
The more conscious we become, the more we can relax and enjoy the journey.
"The healthier we get, the more emotional healing we do,
the less extreme our emotional reaction / response spectrum grows. The
growth process works kind of like a pendulum swinging. The less we
buy into the toxic shame and judgment, the less extreme the swings of the
pendulum become. The arc of our emotional pendulum becomes gentler,
and we can return to emotional balance much quicker and easier. But
we don't get to stay in the balance position. Life is always rocking
our boat - setting our emotional pendulum to swinging. By not taking
life events and other peoples behavior so seriously and personally, by observing
our process with some degree of detachment instead of getting so hooked into
the trauma drama soap opera victimology that is a reaction to our childhood
wounds, we learn to not give so much power over our emotions to outside influences
and events.
I have choices today in regard to how I am relating to myself,
to other people, to life. I am able to accept the things I cannot change
much more quickly, and change the primary thing which I have the power to
change - that is, my attitude toward the things I cannot change - so that
I do not get caught up in a victim perspective. By not buying into the
illusion that I am a victim - of myself, of other people, of life - my emotional
swings stay on a much evener keel and I experience
a much gentler emotional spectrum in my day to day relationship with life."
Discernment in relationship
to emotional honesty and responsibility 1
In my latest article on Suite 101 (link in the upper right hand column)
I talk about how 90% of the stress in my life before codependency recovery
was caused by the attitudes and beliefs I was empowering. Once I got
aware of how my perspectives and expectations (which were reactions to my
childhood programming and emotional wounds and therefore something I was
powerless over until I got conscious of them) were setting me up to be a
victim, then I could start owning the power to change my emotional experience
of life . Then I could start to take responsibility for my life and
eliminate the stress that I was creating in reaction to dysfunctional programming.
Something I often say to people at the end of their first counseling
session - rather in person or on the phone - is, "everything that happens
in your life from now on is part of this recovery process. Your job
is to pay attention and follow where you are led." Recovery is why
we are here. This Spiritual growth process is the only thing that makes
life make sense - to me.
We have the power to change our relationship with self and life into
one that is more functional - into an experience which includes inner peace
and moments of Joy. Into an experience which allows us to learn to
be more Loving to our self, to be our own best friend instead of our own
worst enemy.
Many teachers / guides / angels appeared on my path to help me to
learn how to change my life but none of them would have done me any good if
I had not been willing to start focusing on my relationship with my self.
I had to be willing to become more conscious - to live life with more consciousness
in order to align with the Spiritual guidance I was getting. That
is why learning how to process was - and still is - so vital to my growth.
In the latest Newsletter for the Joy2MeU Journal I addressed the
importance of processing.
"And what I am going to talk about briefly in this Newsletter
is the process of processing. As I say in one of the added pages:
One of my phone counseling clients the other day - a
person who has found a wealth of help in reading my pages and has described
the phone counseling experience as making the words from my book and site
kind of leap off the page and come alive for him - mentioned that there was
one of my pages where I just kind of seemed to be babbling. I am pretty
sure he was talking about one of the Newsletter pages where I was processing
- since he doesn't subscribe to this Journal. Perhaps that is what my
processing pages - in this journal, and in certain Update Newsletters - comes
across as. Hopefully, you all do find this babble useful. ;-)
I do hope that you find these processing pages helpful. If you don't,
sorry about that - don't read them. I am doing these for me - all
my writing is ultimately for me and my recovery process, but these pages
are specifically and indulgently for my personal process. They have
been invaluable to me over the last 3 + years since I started this journal.
Some of the reasons for that are talked about in the pages that follow this
one.
It took me a year or two in early recovery to realize that when
I spoke at meetings it was not to share my wisdom with other people.
That may be a result of my sharing, but the purpose is for me to find out
where I am at, for me to listen to what I am saying. We cannot get clear
on our inner process just by thinking - thinking can sometimes be the worst
thing we can do because it is so easy to get caught up in the right/wrong
paradigm of the disease. What I have learned, is that I need to either
speak out loud, or write, about what is going on in order to get my emotional
energy moving - in order to get clear on what is happening in my internal
process with emotional honesty."
Joy2MeU Journal Newsletter 7 July 9, 2002
As I say in this quote, it is vital for me to be
able to speak out loud about issues or write about them in order to stay
emotionally honest with myself. Writing for this web site has been
an incredible and invaluable gift for me over the last 4 years or so.
All of the writing I do about recovery and Spirituality helps me in my process,
but the Newsletters and Journal articles in which I am processing about my
process are especially important to my recovery. In my web articles
I try to communicate about the dynamics of the wounding and recovery process
as clearly as possible for an audience, for you readers out there in cyberspace.
In my processing writing, I share my personal processing with you. I
try to explain the processing as I write - but the purpose of those pages
is primarily to communicate with myself.
Sharing my process is something I learned from
twelve step recovery - sharing my experience, strength, and hope. I
know that some of you find it valuable as a practical demonstration of how
I work my program - how I apply theoretical principles in my life. I am not
here to tell you the "right" way to do life. I am sharing with you what
I have learned from working my program of recovery, sharing with you what
works for me - because it helps me to get clearer on my growth process.
I found myself starting to do this sharing
of my process in the first Newsletter Updates I wrote for my original Joy
to You & Me web site. (Link to index of those Newsletters is towards
the bottom of the upper right hand column.) When I started my Joy2MeU
Journal in April of 1999, I was focusing on writing for that body of work
- and started doing any processing for myself in what evolved into a personal
journal within that Journal.
I didn't even start doing Update Newsletters
again until November of 1999 (Links to the Joy2MeU Newsletters can be found
on the Information Index Page) - and then I gradually started sharing a little
of my processing in those Newsletters as my site evolved. It wasn't
until the July 2000, and then - what for me is still a vital milestone in
my process - the October 2000 Update Newsletters that I started to go into
any real depth. The May 2001 Newsletters were probably the most extensive
and intimate sharing I have done on this Joy2MeU site to date - a level of
in-to-me-see that I had only previously shared in my Joy2MeU Journal - as
I explored my fear of intimacy issues and caught myself in some denial and
emotional dishonesty in relationship to those issues.
The recent writing in my personal journal in
the Joy2MeU Journal was a continuation of looking at those fear of intimacy
issues - and once again I caught myself in some denial and emotional dishonesty.
I believe that part of the reason that some
people may view my processing as babble, is that I go through multiple levels,
multiple perspectives, in looking at the issues that are up for me.
Thus the processing that I started doing in June began with my anger over
my car breaking down once more on June 7th. My poor car breaking down
is a life event that I get the opportunity to use often as a point of reference
when sharing how I work my program. As with delayed airline flights,
I can accept and be grateful for life events - align my conscious beliefs
with Spiritual Truth that everything happens for a reason - while also owning
my human feelings about these life events. This is a vital component
of Spiritual integration and emotional balance.
So many people use tools like Positive Affirmations,
meditation, etc., not as tools for finding balance - but as ways of denying
feelings. It is vital for me, to own my feelings so that I can stay
clear with myself. In the writing for my personal journal that started
out with my anger about driving a car that breaks down often, I ended up
processing through my fear of intimacy and deprivation issues - and discovering
a deeper level where I was empowering some denial.
This discovery was made possible by the writing
I did for the chapters of in the online book I am writing - especially the
chapter on our ego self image. I had written something, in that Chapter
4, that I wasn't in touch with emotionally at the time I wrote it. I,
in fact, felt that what I was saying was a little too strong - it felt like
I was overstating what my pattern had been for the sake of communicating the
concept.
"I saw myself in alignment with the conscious self image
that I was projecting - a sensitive, caring male who was so different from
all those macho clowns that were not in touch with their feelings - but my
behavior in intimate relationships was dictated by the subconscious perspective
of emotions that I had learned from my male role model in childhood.
That paradigm dictated that a man could not feel sad or hurt or afraid -
a man only felt anger. In other words, I saw myself as, and talked
the talk of, a sensitive caring male but when anyone got too close emotionally
my behavior was that of a macho clown."
The codependency movement is NOT ruining marriages! Chapter 4 - false self image
What I discovered in my journal writing is that I
was not overstating my pattern at all in saying this. In consciously
looking at certain aspects of my patterns closely for the first time, I realized
that there was some behavior that I exhibited because of my fear of intimacy
that was worse after I got into recovery than before - after getting in touch
with my fear instead of denying it's existence. I had behaved horribly
towards some women I had intimate interactions with. It was a very painful
discovery. I did have awareness of the behavior in a general sense
but I had never looked at it too closely because of the guilt and shame I
felt - and had never looked closely enough to realize that my behavior had
gotten worse in recovery.
It was shameful behavior that I engaged in
as recently as 3 and 1/2 years ago. I would allow myself to buy into
being a victim of my "deprivation issues" as an excuse for getting physically
involved with women who I was not interested in having a relationship with
- and then would withhold in our interactions to try to keep them from falling
in love with me. Talk about macho clown behavior. I used those
women.
It was something that I blamed on the deprivation
issues that were caused by my terror of intimacy. I was not taking
responsibility for my behavior - or looking at it closely enough to see what
was really causing it. I kept it in the dark because I felt guilty
and it didn't match my ego self image - the very thing I wrote about in that
chapter over a month before I got in touch with the emotional reality of
it by examining it consciously. A pretty blatant example of how important
the writing is to my process.
Codependency is doubly traumatic. We
were traumatized in childhood because our parents were traumatized in their
childhood. Our ego adapted codependent defenses to protect us - and
those defenses caused us to repeat behavior patterns as adults that caused
us further trauma. Recovery is an ongoing journey of discovery - uncover,
discover, recover. We have to get conscious in order to heal.
We need to be willing to shine the Light of consciousness into every corner
within. That which is hidden in the dark has power. Any past behavior
that I am still keeping in the darkness of unconsciousness and denial is
an issue that I still am powerless over to some degree.
Recovery is an ongoing transformational process.
As I grow and learn, my perspective of the past keeps changing. That
means I have to be willing to look at those issues again when the Universe
sends me messages that more needs to be uncovered.
"I have been going through a transformation one more time
in my recovery. Each time that I need to grow some more - need to surrender
some more of who I thought I was in order to become who I am - I get to
peel another layer of the onion. Each time this happens I get to reach
a deeper level of honesty and see things clearer than I ever have before.
Each time, I also get to release some of the emotional energy through crying
and raging.
Through clearer eyes, and with deeper emotional honesty, I get
to look at all of my major issues again to heal them some more. I used
to think that I could deal with an issue and be done with it - but now I know
that is not the way the healing process works. So recently I have gotten
the opportunity to revisit my issues of abandonment and betrayal, of deprivation
and discounting. My issues with my mother and father, with my gender
and sexuality, with money and success. My issues with the God I was
taught about and the God-Force that I choose to believe in. My patterns
of self-abusive behavior that are driven by my emotional wounds - and the
attempts that I make to forgive myself for behavior that I have been powerless
over. And they all lead me back to the core issue. I am not
worthy. I am not good enough. Something is wrong with me.
At the core of my relationship is the little boy who feels unworthy
and unlovable. And my relationship with myself was built on that foundation.
The original wounding caused me to adapt attitudes and behavior patterns which
caused me to be further traumatized and wounded - which caused me to adapt
different attitudes and behavior patterns which caused me to be further traumatized
and wounded in different ways. Layer upon layer the wounds were laid
- multifaceted, incredibly complex and convoluted is the disease of Codependence.
Truly insidious, baffling and powerful."
Grief, Love, and Fear of Intimacy
I wrote the article Grief, Love, and Fear of Intimacy
in the summer of 1998 - and announced it's publication in my first Joy to
You & Me Newsletter. A major change that has taken place in my process
since that time - a change I talked about in the Newsletters of my January
2002 Update - is that it has been quite some time, years, since I have uncovered
any rage. I seem to have released all the rage I was carrying - although,
once again, more will be revealed as my process unfolds. I no longer
rage at my Higher Power, at the Divine Plan. I get highly irritated
with it sometimes, but my work at changing my relationship with life has
resulted in great rewards in this respect. There is still grief that
I get in touch with - but it is no longer so much about my childhood as it
is about the effects the childhood trauma had on my adult life.
"As I said, I really don't want to hurt anyone, but underneath
that intention is the codependency that caused me to behave in abusive ways
as a protection of me. My codependent defenses tried to protect me from
overwhelming burden of feeling responsible for another persons feeling -
so I would not have to feel that toxic shame at the core of my relationship
with myself.
I have released and healed most of that toxic shame now, what I
am uncovering is residue of the defenses against it. I no longer feel
like a shameful, unlovable being. That is the good news. I have owned
that I am worthy and lovable on a gut level - not just intellectually.
The bad news is that I am still finding nooks and crannies within where the
defenses against that lie of toxic shame still have some power. It is
the good news that I am finding them. It is recovery."
The Path of One Recovering Codependent ~
the dance of one wounded soul: My Unfolding Dance 13 - July 2002
As I state in my writing, toxic shame is a lie -
we are not shameful beings. However, our behavior because of our emotional
wounds and dysfunctional programming - the behavior we were powerless over
- has in the past sometimes been shameful behavior. It is vital for
me to be willing to get conscious of any nooks and crannies within where I
haven't yet shined the Light of the level of consciousness that I have now
achieved. The processing I did in the summer of 2001 led to a breakthrough
in my process that, as I say in my August 2001 Update, I believe allowed me
to reach in my personal process the level of consciousness that I was accessing
when I wrote Codependence: The Dance of Wounded
Souls.
It is because I had not yet healed my fear
of intimacy issues enough to access that level of consciousness in relationship
to my personal intimate relationships that I was powerless over the shameful
behavior I was exhibiting up until 3 and 1/2 years ago. I have not
had an intimate interaction with a woman since that time - and that was a
gift from the Universe. This shameful behavior was something that I
was powerless over until the processing I did in June. It was on a
deeper level, one of the "right on" reasons for me being deprived of an intimate
relationship for most of my life. By that I mean, that the bad news
is that I have spent most of my life alone, I have been very deprived in regard
to intimate, romantic relationship. The good news / silver lining is
that my codependent defenses kept me out of relationships so that I did less
damage to other human beings because I wasn't in situations that triggered
those defenses.
Now that I have gotten conscious of the denial
and emotional dishonesty that was hiding this level from me, I can heal
it - and take responsibility for my patterns in a new more complete way.
It was a wonderful - and very painful - breakthrough in my personal process.
I just got the gift of peeling another layer
of the onion. And I cried some in the process. Emotional honesty
can be a real pain sometimes. As I often tell people, the Truth shall
set you free - but first it will make you angry and hurt a lot. I
have just broken through to a new level of freedom in relationship to my
fear of intimacy issues. And my fear of intimacy issues - as I talk
about in that October 2000 Update and elsewhere - are underneath all of my
issues.
There are a couple of more facets to those
fear of intimacy issues that I want to focus upon right now in my personal
process. Fourteen years ago this month I had an incredible, mind boggling
experience which revealed to me that the power of my fear of intimacy issues
was - in part, at least - related to an ancient wound. I want to get
back to writing for my Journal to see if I can delve deeper into that wound
and put another chunk of those fear of intimacy issues behind me.
Rather I will be able to do that will fall into the more will be revealed
realm.
I will add more pages to this site as soon
as the Universe leads me to do that. If the pages upon which I am sharing
my processing sound like babble to you, don't take that as meaning something
is wrong with you - or that I am just crazy. Focus on the pages that
make sense and leave the processing pages for later. Discernment is
a vital part of recovery and consciousness raising. Take what resonates
with you and leave the rest for now. Focus on learning more about your
relationship with your self, and any of my writing that you find useful in
that process. The thing that I have always found to be Truth in my recovery,
is More Will Be Revealed. ;-)
With Wishes of Joy to You and Me,
Robert
Go to November 2002 Update
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