Abundant Spirituality + codependency recovery + inner child healing + Love = Joy2MeU Joy2MeU Home Page

Hello Magnificent Spiritual Being,
I did a lot of crying today. Very emotional.  Things are really desperate financially again. I hate having to ask for help - but my Higher Power obviously thinks I need to once again be willing to surrender to working the Third Step and taking the action of asking for help. I start sobbing and crying again as I sit here. 

I am so sick of this economic recession (something I am sure you are also.)  I recently posted a link to one of my Update Newsletters where I shared an excerpt of one of my Joy2MeU Journal articles about some of the incredible Miracles in my recovery - and that same Update was where I was processing about my feelings about needing to consider moving from Cambria where I had loved living because it was too hard to make a living there and support a family.

After we moved down here to San Diego in September 2006 things improved greatly - still tight but closer to manageable.  Then in September 2008 the printer who was printing the latest printing of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls messed up and printed a larger print run that I could really afford at the time.

"The article that I had forgotten I had made as a separate web page, is a part of that same series of articles and is the story of me writing and later publishing the Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls. It is called Leap of Faith ~ Publishing The Dance - and I do have a link to it on my site index page, but it is a small link in the Journal section of that page.  It is a slightly abridged version of the two part article that appears in the Joy2MeU Journal.  Reading it again just now was quite a trip.  It is really quite amazing how much recovery I cram into some of these articles about my path - as well as my Update Newsletters - and by that I mean sharing actual examples of recovery in action.  Examples of letting go and surrender, of taking action despite the fear and how I have worked to change my old programming. It has been so wonderful over the years to have the opportunity to share my recovery - and then be able to reread it to remind myself of the miracles and intuitive guidance that helped me to learn the lessons and follow my path.  It has been one incredible adventure - this recovery journey for me.  I am profoundly grateful for it.

Rediscovering that article also reminded me of how the financial situation we are in got to be such a mess.  I posted that article as part of sending out a request for donations to help keep my book in print one more time.  The combination of not getting nearly as many donations as I had hoped, and the printing company printing a large print run without getting my final approval, put us in a real hard financial place that September.  Then the bottom fell out of the economy shortly after that.  I was thinking it was just the recession . . . . that was impacting us without remembering how the printing of the book had started our own personal recession earlier." - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter May 2010

On January 3rd 2010, I posted a page asking for help in honor of my 26th sobriety anniversary.  Last month (and again earlier this month) I added an update to that page to share what was happening in our life now.

"7/14/10 Another milestone approaching, my 62nd birthday on July 23rd.  Sigh.  And as of today I am not sure if I can keep the utilities all on by then, let alone do anything to celebrate.  As I mentioned in my last Update, things got different and more complicated in our lives recently.

"Of course, it seems like sometimes the Universe gives me more because it is about to give me more need - if you know what I mean. (I used to think that it was taking away what it just gave - but have changed that perspective.;-)  Susan's 21 year old daughter and my 20 year old son both got kicked out of after care programs this week - so now we are going to have 2 more people living with us in this house that is too small for just the 3 of us.  Two more people without jobs of course.  Ah yes, more opportunities for growth.;-)" - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter May 2010

My son is doing very well - has over 6 months clean and sober now.  And was recently he won his appeal for Social Security Disability (for the chronic pain and hip replacement surgery he is going to need as I talked about in that last Update) - but not sure when the bureaucracy is going to get around to paying his benefits (which will allow him to start paying rent).  He would have been dead now I am sure, if we hadn't taken him in, but it has been costing us around $750 a month extra to have him here.  We have been afraid that Susan's daughter might not make it, but she may have finally hit the bottom she needed to start getting into recovery for real.  She started a methadone maintenance outpatient program this week - good news that she was willing but of course more cost to us and she is back living with us again for a period of time. (It is crowded in our little house with just Susan Darien and I - adding two more complicates things greatly.)

One of our cars got repossessed the 2nd of this month, but I think we are going to buy Susan's son's girlfriends car - if we can come up with the $300 for the old junker.  Anyway, the time has come again when I need to put out a message to the Universe that I need help.  I hate that I once again have an opportunity to practice surrender and faith and acceptance and demonstrate my willingness to do whatever it takes - obviously I have some very gnarly Karma that I am settling.  Any help that anyone can send my way will be greatly appreciated. ~ RB 9:13 am 7/14/10

8/10/10 We were able to get another car for less than $400.  Still paying rent in two installments - paid the last part of July on the 31st, and not sure when I will be able to pay any on August.  The Adventure continues.  And I still find many moments of Joy in my life every day - and have never had more Love from intimate relationships with other human beings in my life than I do today.   More will be revealed about what the Divine Plan is - I don't need to know today. ;-) RB" - Working the Third Step - ASKing for Help - Opening to Abundance

"The response was overwhelmingly positive.  Most people weren't able to send anything, but did send good wishes and prayers - as well as thanks for having the courage to ask for help.  There were a few people who responded very negatively and asked to be taken of the mailing list.  There were also 3 or 4 people who wrote to say we should take Darien out of the Montessori School - that it was a luxury not a necessity.  That couldn't be further from the truth.

We originally put him in that school because it was cheaper than regular day care.  And it has been a great experience for him - he is so much more confident in socializing with other kids now, it is really great.  The main reason to put him in the school however was to give me some time to work.  I have almost no time to do any writing these days (witness the need to do it in the early am) - and find it impossible to do any kind of focused work that takes some concentration when his enthusiastic, exuberant little self is around.

"During the time he is in school - basically 9 until 3 - is the time I have to get things done.  Then and early in the morning or late at night.  (Last night - with the help of a tooth ache - I stayed up until about 2 working on this.)  My mornings are centered around getting him dressed and ready and off to school - and once he gets home in the afternoon it is hard to do anything that takes very much concentration and focus because he wants attention and help with various things.  Or he wants to be on my computer playing games - which means I can't be on my computer.  The other day he changed the screen saver on my computer - 4 years old, and he is finding things on my computer that I didn't know were there.  I used to have more time in the afternoon or evening to get some things done before Susan started this job - but now she isn't here near as much and is often pretty tired when she is." - Feb. 5, 2009 message to Yahoo Mailing list quoted in April 2009 Update Newsletter

It is between 9 and 3 on weekdays that I try to do most of my telephone counseling appointments, get to the post office to mail off orders, do the grocery shopping, etc., etc.  He is a Joy and a blessing, but it is challenging to get any work done when he is around.  So, having some time to myself is very important to me and keeping him in school was not a luxury." - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter May 2010

This time of course, the Montessori School would be a luxury, because he can go to kindergarten in the public school for free.  We really don't want to send him there. The one time a few weeks ago that we went over there to check it out, there were older kids - maybe 3rd or 4th graders - running around, cussing and generally acting in ways we really don't want him exposed to at this age.  After that visit, we started searching frantically for other options.  Most of the private schools are too expensive, and some of the them are not that great.  But then Susan found this one in Carlsbad - which is about 10 miles away, but in the same vicinity as Susan's office.  It isn't as expensive as most of the private schools - but still not in the realm of possibility when we can't even pay the rent.

The Montessori School doesn't start until September 1st - while public schools started today, August 16th. (I am actually finishing this on the 17th.)  We realized that no matter what we wanted, the Universe might have different plans.  And that it could be best in the Cosmic Scheme of things for him to go to public school.  Also, realistically, if we didn't start him in public school and the end of the month comes without enough financial resources to send him to the other school we would be in a really bad position - perhaps having to start him in public school several weeks late.  We certainly didn't want to put him in that kind of position.

In any case, what happened is that Susan became very upset and gestured for us to go.  As we were leaving we ran into 3 of his friends from his preschool, but we were already leaving and he was so upset. When we got home I was an emotional wreck for a couple of hours.  Just kept bursting in tears and sobs.  It took me awhile to process through what was happening and realize I was reacting out of an inner child place on one hand.

"By the time I was 4 or 5 I felt overwhelming shame.  I felt like I was inadequate and defective because I was unable to protect my mother from my father." - Union Within - healing the inner child

And also reacting out of the old tapes that tell me I am a loser and a failure because I am not making enough money and able to support and protect my family.  The old tapes that tell me that nothing I ever do is good enough because I am inherently flawed and defective - inherently unlovable and unworthy.  When thinking about sending out this appeal during that time, it was going to start with something like, "My heart is so broken."

As I said, it took me a couple of hours to work through that - to set some internal boundaries with the critical parent voice and with the inner child places within me that feel so broken and damaged.  Shortly after I had gotten to a place of more balance Darien came in to talk to me.  He proceeded to tell me that he was so upset because there were so many people there - and that I should remember that it takes him awhile to get used to someplace new.  He then said he wanted to go to school tomorrow (today) and "I promise that I will be really brave."

So, this morning I took the brave little man to school.  It seemed like there were hundreds less people there and we were able to park right in front. Of course, we went early and his room was still locked.  But then we connected with his teacher and she was really cool with him.  She had to go into the office for a bit and Darien started dancing - doing what I think of as his Irish jig kind of a dance.  By the time, she had shown him around the room and explained a few things to us, a few of the kids he knew from his old school had shown up.  Last I saw of him, he was waving good bye as he ran to the playground to play before school started.  So, more will be revealed about how this all works out - but as of today he has started kindergarten in the public school.

By the time he came into tell me that he was going to be brave, I had worked through the reactions I had and remembered the Truth about asking for help.

"Learning to have the humility and courage to ask for help was a vital component for me in learning to live life sober.  I understand now that asking for help is an act of Love for my self, is part of taking responsibility for myself because I cannot do it alone - I was never meant to do it alone." - Donations to the Cause / Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes

So, I am getting ready to publish this page now to demonstrate a willingness to be Loving to me.  I have made up some pages with special offices on the products I have and on phone counseling.  There is a list of those along with links to the offers pages just below the donation links.  As far as the donations go, I have always sent energy back when anyone has been moved to send some green energy my way.

"The Metaphysical Law of Karma - of cause and effect / giving and receiving / what you sow you reap - is what governs this life experience we are having.   Giving and receiving are two parts of one dynamic - like breathing.  As a friend of mine who is a New Thought minister says, "to say giving is more Blessed than receiving is like saying exhaling is more Blessed than inhaling."  Just as breath needs to flow in and out, so too does energy need to flow - on all levels, including emotional energy.  Blocking the flow of any energy, whether it is money energy or emotional energy, is dysfunctional."  - Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving ~ Donations / Love Offering

"I was wondering if you would consider a loan of $2000 that I could pay back with interest out of proceeds from sale of a DVD of my Intensive.  I very much want to get the Intensive recorded for posterity - and know there is a market out there for it as people are inquiring all the time.  I have also come to realize that there are many things I say in my Intensive that are different from ways I have written in the past - and really want to get all that on record also.  So, I would use a portion of the money to get the recording done.  I really am quite desperate and so hate having to ask - but there must be some reason in the cosmic scheme of things that this is necessary."

"I freely share so much information on my site because . . . I believe it is my Karmic Mission in this lifetime.  I want to share the Joyous message and the precious information that I have discovered - and it is what I need to do for my Recovery and Spiritual Path.  It is not such a great strategy when it comes to finances however.;-)  So Donations to the Cause / Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes are always appreciated if you feel my sharing has helped you in your Healing / Recovery process and on your Spiritual Path. If my writing has helped you remember Truth that brings you some Joy and inner peace, and your Spirit moves you to send some Love back my way . . . . - Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving - Donations to the Cause / Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes

As Swan looked high above Sacred Mountain, she saw the biggest swirling black hole she had ever seen.  Dragonfly came flying by, and Swan stopped him to ask about the black hole.  Dragonfly said, "Swan, that is the doorway to the other planes of imagination.  I have been guardian of the illusion for many, many moons.  If you want to enter there, you would have to ask permission and earn the right."

Swan was not so sure that she wanted to enter the black hole,  She asked Dragonfly what was necessary for her to earn entry.  Dragonfly replied, "You must be willing to accept whatever the future holds as it is presented, without trying to change the Great Spirit's plan."  Swan looked at her ugly little duckling body and then answered,  "I will be happy to abide by Great Spirit's plan.  I won't fight the currents of the black hole.  I will surrender to the flow of the spiral and trust what I am shown."  Dragonfly was very happy with Swan’s answer and began to spin the magic to break the pond's illusion.  Suddenly, Swan was engulfed by a whirlpool in the center of the pond. 

Swan reappeared many days later, but now she was graceful and white and long-necked.  Dragonfly was stunned!  "Swan what happened to you!" he exclaimed.  Swan smiled and said, "Dragonfly, I learned to surrender my body to the power of Great Spirit and was taken to where the future lives.  I saw many wonders high on Sacred Mountain and because of my faith and my acceptance I have been changed.  I have learned to accept a state of Grace."

Anyone who makes a donation of $15 or more can choose between a subscription to the Joy2MeU Journal or the e-book version of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls.

Anyone who makes a donation of $20 or more can choose between a subscription to the Joy2MeU Journal or the Dancing in Light pay to view section of the site or the e-book version of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls.

Anyone who makes a donation of $35 or more can choose between a subscriptions to the Joy2MeU Journal and the e-book or the Dancing in Light pay to view section of the site and the e-book or the digitally remastered MP3 files of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls "An audio Spiritual Experience"

People who donates $50 or more, can choose between subscriptions to both the Journal and Dancing sections - or a spiral bound version of my inner child e-book - The Path to Empowerment, Inner Peace, and Freedom from the Past or the e-book and the digitally remastered MP3 download.  Or some such combination thereof.

Anyone who makes a donation of $75 or more can choose subscriptions to the Joy2MeU Journal and the Dancing in Light pay to view section of the site and either the digitally remastered MP3 files of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls "An audio Spiritual Experience" or the booklet.

Anyone that donates $100 or more can have access to the two subscription areas - and will be sent the booklet with the inner child articles and the e-book or the digitally remastered MP3 download if they wish to have them.

Anyone that donates $125 or more is invited to come as my guest to one of my Intensive Training Day seminars in San Diego.

Anyone that donates $150 or more can have all of the above that they want.

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