A Precious Beautiful Spirit ~ Darien Fuller

Go to April 2009 Update Newsletter

May 23, 2009
As I prepare some announcements and changes to make to my site for May 25th, I am also going to add the latest Darienisms to this page. Almost every day he does or says something that causes my Spirit to Soar and my heart to come close to bursting with the Love I feel for him. I can't possibly include them all, these are a few of the real gems.

As I was driving him to school one morning not long after my last Update when I posted this page for him, he said the following - with pauses between the sentences as he thinks about what he is saying and I reply to him.

"It's a beautiful Day. . . The sun is shining. . . . . The birds are singing. . . . . Grass is growing. . . . . Leaves are growing. . . . . Flowers are blooming. Blooming means they are all colorful. . . . . And if you smell them, they smell sweet."

He is a very fastidious little man - and will probably have some control issues when he gets older. Well actually, he has some control issues now. He likes things a certain way - his coat zipped up all the way not part way, the toilet paper on the roll the "right" way, etc. He doesn't like to get dirty - although of course he does - but doesn't like to get sand in his shoes and actually makes me think of the Princess and the pea the way he can detect even a grain of sand in his shoes.

He is also a very helpful man. He likes to help his grandma in the garden, or with cooking dinner, or whatever.

He used to be very literal - and it is very fascinating to watch his intelligence evolve. It used to be if someone said to him "See you later alligator" - he would say, "I am not an alligator. I'm a boy." But recently as I was picking him up from school one of the teachers said to him, "See you later alligator." - and someone else said, "After while crocodile." And I could see him thinking as we headed towards the door, then suddenly he turned around and said, "See you later ham sandwich."

That is what he says now at times when he or we are leaving somewhere, "See you later ham sandwich."

When he wants to make a point, or ask for something, or just communicate something he thinks is important, he will say, "I want to tell you something." And then he will share his thoughts or wants or whatever - but he is very good at getting me to stop and listen to him when he wants my attention. (When he was younger he would actually take my face in his hands to make sure I was looking at him and listening when he had something important to communicate.)

He continues to love to spend time playing on the computer - and is always looking for new games. He will bring me something - a hotwheel car, or his box of legos or an ad that came in something - and tell me he wants to search on the computer. He knows if we type in the right words we can find what he wants - except that isn't always possible and he doesn't quite understand that yet, because he thinks the computer can find anything.

One of his favorite things to say lately when we find what we are looking for, or when I understand some point he has made with me, or something happens that he had talked about sometime earlier, is "That's what I'm talking about." Not sure if he got that one from TV or adapted it himself.

He does go into his king baby things some times - "I want to buy a toy now." - and will pout for awhile when I tell him we aren't buying any toys today. He will say when we go into a store, that he just wants to look at the toys, not buy anything. Then of course, he will want to buy once he starts looking.

He is a definite drama king at times - something that he gets from both his mother and grandmother. (You can bet I got into trouble for this remark - being accused of being quite a drama king myself at times.;-) And will cry when something happens to hurt his feelings - but it is almost a fake cry at times, like he thinks that is what is necessary when his feelings are hurt.

It is not very often that he gets out of control - and usually that is when he is tired. Every once in a while, he will throw a little tantrum where he stalks out of the room and slams the door, or throws something. Then I will give him a time out - which he really hates. Usually though he gets through the pouting or drama pretty quickly and moves forward.

I have mentioned in past writings about him, that he has a stubborn streak and a defiant side - but also a sense of humor about it at times. He came up with one a few weeks ago that blew me away - don't think it was something he got off of the TV. He had crawled up on my lap as I sat at the computer to try to talk me into letting him play on it, instead of me working on it. And he did what he likes to do, which is adopt a casual attitude. He slumped back against me and put his feet up on my desk. I said, "You be careful little man. If you kick my computer off the desk I will have to whip your butt." He jumped down, took a few steps away and took down his pants. Then he stuck his bare butt out at me and patted it, saying, "This butt? You going to whip this butt?" I was really flabbergasted by that one. Silly little man.

I have a song I sing to him, usually as we are going to school or coming home. The first part of it goes. "He is a handsome man, a beautiful man, a sweet and wonderful Darien man." The second part is, “He is a smart man. A fast running man. A high jumping man. A good climbing man. A good computer game playing man. A Magnificent Spiritual Being of a man full of Light and Love. And his name is . . . . . Darien Fuller.”

Sometimes when I start singing it to him, he nods along agreeing with the things I am saying - and even sometimes closing his eyes and nodding like he does to music sometimes. Sometimes he will be sitting in the back, drinking his juice, and acting like he isn't listening. When he does that I will sometimes get to the part of the song where I say his name and act like I don't remember the name of the man I am singing about. He will chime right up to remind me of his name at those times.

He will often request me to sing the "Darien song" for him. He came up with a great one last week. He was acting like he wasn't paying attention, so when it came to the end of the song I sang, "He is a sweet and wonderful man - and his name is .......Robert.

He chimed right up to say that his name is Darien. And then he said (with the pauses in between as he thought about what he wanted to say, “I am the sweetest man. . . . I am a boy that loves the whole world. I love all the people. I love the kids. I love all the people and the pizza man.”

He is the sweetest man. The other day we were playing in the back yard with one of his digger toys and dump trucks and our rabbit came up and nibbled on my jeans. I said something about the rabbit - and he said, "The rabbit was hugging you. . . . because he loves you."

There was a dead moth that was in the back yard and he insisted that I pick it up and put it in the garden because that it would be more “cozy.”

Anyway, I guess everyone's kids say cute things, This little man just happens to be the apple of my eye. Such a channel of Joy and Light and Love.

Just one more and I will stop for now - although I do plan on adding to this page periodically, as kind of a record of him growing up. Hopefully some day when I am gone it will serve to remind him how very much I Love him and what a very special gift he is in my life.

On the way home from school earlier this week, there was a plane pulling an advertising banner in the distance. I didn't mention it to him because I wasn't sure if he could see it from his vantage point in his car seat. But then as it crossed in front of our path he did see it, and said, "What is that?" I told him it was a plane pulling a sign behind it - and he asked what it said. I told him it was too far away for me to read. Then he came up with one of those little nuggets that throw me off until I figure out what he is talking about. He said that he thought it was a talking lizard. I said, "Talking lizard." He said, "Ya, I saw it on an ad. There was a talking lizard on TV." And then I realized that he meant the Giecko Gecko (sp?) - and that we had seen banners with that ad behind planes some time ago. He is constantly entertaining me, this little sweet Darien man. He is such a blessing in my life. I Love him so dearly. ~ Robert 5:10 am May 23rd, 2009

August 20, 2009
On the way to school this morning, Darien all of a sudden says to me, "I love this world." And then he said, "I love this world because it is so clean." Not sure where that came from. I thought at first he said green - but then he corrected me and said clean. Then he said, "Is this world immaculate?" We decided that it wasn't that clean.

Immaculate (meaning really really clean in his definition) is one of the latest words he has learned at the gym. There is this young woman who works at the front desk of the gym that is just crazy about Darien. After she first interacted with him, she went into the kids club to find out what his name was because she was so taken by him.

That first time they talked, he asked her a lot of questions. She told him that he was very inquisitive. And then gave him an assignment to remember that word. The next time we saw her, he didn't remember it - but the following time he did. And he asked her for another word - and it became a tradition for him to ask her for a new word each time he say her. The second word she gave him was plethora. The third word was cornucopia. When she was explaining what cornucopia meant she said it means you have a lot of different things like apples, and oranges, and grapes. And he said, "like toys?"

So if you ask him his definition of plethora, it is a lot of things. Cornucopia is a lot of different things. Not a precise definition, but pretty good for a 4 year old. He actually uses plethora in sentences now pretty regularly. She has continued to give him words - so many now, that even though he usually runs up to her and says "I remember the words you told me." and then starts listing them - there are really too many for him to remember them all now (or her either for that matter.)

He is such a polite and sweet little man. He will go up to people and give them compliments. He will compliment his grandma on a new dress or whatever. One day as we were leaving school, there was a nanny there who picks up twins - and he went up to them and complimented them on what they were wearing.

A new store opened here a couple of months ago, a Smart & Final store. The first time we were in it, he kept wanting to find out where the toys were - and I kept telling him that I didn't think they had any toys. This was not a possibility he wanted to accept, so he told me that we needed to ask someone where the toys were. When we came close to someone who was stocking shelves, he called out to him, "Excuse me sir, where are the toys." Blew me away. I had never heard him use the term sir before - although I think I use it to him once in a while.

A couple of weeks later as I was putting him into his car seat, he said "Yes sir." and then got embarrassed thinking he shouldn't call me sir. I told him that it was okay to call me sir - that he could say "Yes sir Pappa sir." He made a face, and said, "That is just crazy!"

There was a little girl at his school that started coming up to me every time I picked him up and asking for a play date with him. Both of them asked me enough that I finally gave her a card with my phone number and told her to give it to her Mommy. She kept bugging me after that - and he said she wanted a map to our house. I did end up printing up a map, and her Dad did eventually call (I guess she was bugging him even more than me) - and they had a play date.

The point of the story however is something that happened during this period of time when I was getting bugged. As we were going in the side gate to our backyard one day, he found a dandelion - which he called a poofy head. He picked it up and made a wish before blowing on it. His wish was that he could have a play date with the little girl.

So, he thinks blowing on dandelions is a time to make wishes - and also at night before he goes to sleep. One day he told me that he wanted to go to the ferris - his word for the County Fair. He kind of has fair and ferris wheel combined. He hadn't been to the county fair in almost a year at that point, so it surprised me when he brought it up. And then he said that he would make a wish to go that night before he went to sleep when it was dark outside - and he did remember to do just that. I guess he had interpreted Susan telling him about saying a prayer at night as meaning that was a time to make wishes. The funny thing about it is, that when he brought it up, the County Fair had just started - and neither Susan or I realized it at that time. Perhaps he heard some other kid talking about it or something - but it seemed to come out of the blue.

Pappa and Darien on Fathers Day

Riding a pony at the County Fair

With Grandma at breakfast in Cambria

Pappa & Darien in Cambria

He has an amazing memory. He can remember plots to almost all the cartoons he sees - and he often brings things up out of the past. He will say, when I was 3 such and such happened - or something to that effect. He is a very smart little boy. How many 4 year olds do you know that have a vocabulary that includes plethora and immaculate?

One day when I picked him up from school he was very upset. He said that another little boy - that he had accidentally run into - had threatened to do mean things to him. On the way home, he was talking about it and said that he thought he shouldn't go to school any more. Another day he told me that if he kept going to school all the time he would end up being too tired and exhausted.

He is a really sweet man, and doesn't like confrontations. His teacher at the Montessori school was really concerned about him not being tough enough and independent enough for kindergarten - and was really relieved when I told her that we weren't sending him to kindergarten this year. He doesn't turn five until November, and we want him to be older and bigger before he starts regular schooling.

I have been concerned at times that maybe my role modeling and nurturing approach with him has caused him to not be "tough enough" in being able to stand up for himself. He tends to admit to being sad instead of getting angry - which isn't bad, but may not serve him to well out in the world. There was a sign that he is getting better at setting boundaries however in something he said to me last week. He has developed this habit of taking toys along with him to the kids club at the gym that I take him to. It is actually more like a strategy. It used to be that when he went into an environment where there were other kids - like a park or the kids club - he would go up to kids and ask them if they would play with him. Someplace along the line, he figured out that if he took some interesting toys along with him that the other kids would be drawn to him - and would be asking him if he would play with them. Pretty smart little bugger.;-) Anyway, last week he wanted to take one of his prized new lego toys with him - and I said something about it might not be a good idea because he might lose some of the little pieces or some other kid might take pieces of them. He told me, that no he wouldn't lose them - and that when someone had one of his toys and he wanted it back he just talks louder to them and they give it back to him. He sounded quite proud of himself for figuring out how to set firm boundaries.

Speaking of the legos, he now has several Star Wars sets - one of which included R2D2. For some reason he had a really hard time saying R2D2. He kept calling him RAD2. Finally I typed it in big letters for him so he could see it - and gradually he was able to remember that it was a 2 and not an A.

As I said in the last entries above, it is fascinating to watch his intelligence evolve. He knows now that it is a joke to say "See you later ham sandwich." instead of taking what people say so literally. One of the hot things for kids these days is Transformers - which I am not too crazy about personally. But the transformers fight the Decepticons - and one day I said something to him about the Decepticons would get us - and he just looked at me like I was really crazy and said, "Decepticons are not in our world. They are not real."

He also has started telling jokes. His favorite is "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn't peeling very well."

He is amazingly straight forward with me - doesn't try to butter me up in order to get me to do something he wants. He will do a little low grade kind of manipulations (like telling me he just wants to look at the toys not buy any) - but he doesn't tell me he loves me to try to get something from me. In fact sometimes when he is doing is "I want to tell you something . . . " thing, and he is taking some time to try to tell me or ask me what he wants - I will say "You want to tell me what a wonderful Pappa I am." He just dismisses that out of hand, saying "I know you are a wonderful Pappa." and goes on to tell me what he wants to tell ask me.

So, when he does tell me that he loves me, it is so genuine and touching. One day a month or so ago, we were laying on the couch at bedtime as I am trying to get him to sleep, and all of a sudden he says, "Do you know what makes me happy?" And then he said it that playing with his legos made him happy - and listed a couple of other things - and then said it made him happy because he loved me so much. He said I was the best Pappa in the whole world. The best Pappa he had ever had.;-)

Earlier this week, at bedtime again, he stood up and said to me, "I love you so much. You do everything for me. You do hard things and easy things - but you do everything for me. Some of them are hard, like putting together my lego starship."

I do do everything for him - and it is really cool that he appreciates that.

He is real clear that I am not Dad - that I am Pappa - and will correct people that ask him that. His Dad was home on leave from Iraq in April and took him to Disneyland among other places.

Talking to him on the phone shortly after that he said to him, "Are you going to come and play at my house when you are done in Iraq?"

Disneyland with Mom and Dad was a long day for a little man.

Play is his life. He like to play. The legos are the latest things. They have these lego sets now that are for Star wars and something called Power Miners (who are in the business of harvesting crystals and have to fight off rock monsters that try to eat the crystals.) And it is quite a challenge for Pappa to put together some of these elaborate lego toys - especially with him helping.;-)

It is fascinating to eavesdrop on him while he plays in the other room - the elaborate stories he come up with.

Another thing that is so cool about him, is the way he sings and dances for his own enjoyment. There are times when he is showing off, but more often he tells me to go back in my room so he can dance and sing alone. He is such an exuberant, Joyous, sweet little boy. He does make my heart sing and my spirit soar.

One last thing. On the way home from someplace one day he was talking about wanting the clouds to go away so he can make a wish. I asked him what he meant, and he said that if there are lots of clouds then you could only get one wish. So, he wished the clouds would go away so he could see the moon and the stars and when they do then he gets lots of wishes. I ask him where he heard that, and he said, "I made it up."

My wish for him, is that he gets to stay in this environment where he is protected and loved and nurtured and cherished. And I pray that Susan and I can give him the tools he will need to deal with the kind of wounds that a sweet loving spirit like him will need to deal with a world full of wounded souls and toys that focus on conflict and promote violence. We have tried to protect him as much as possible, but can't raise him in a vacuum. We had never gotten him any toys with guns and such, but relatives gave him a Transformer last Christmas - and that kind of opened the door to lightsabers and rockets and such.

And we can't take away the wounds he has already experienced because of the time and place and circumstances that his Soul chose to incarnate in this lifetime.

Of course, part of the Divine Plan that is unfolding perfectly, was the Soul contract between his Soul and my Soul that we would meet in this lifetime at the time and place that we did in order to learn about Love together. He is a precious and wonderful blessing in my life and I thank the Goddess for the opportunity to be intimately involved with this beautiful spirit that is Darien. ~ Robert 8/20/09

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January 12th, 2010
On this day 5 years ago my life changed. I got an e-mail that was the result of "a cosmic 'coincidence' of pretty monumental proportions" - it was an e-mail from Susan. Susan

The first mention I ever made of Susan in my writing, was in my March 2005 Update Newsletter - at the end of which I wrote:

"Rather this person is someone / the soul mate, that is going to be in my life long term or not I do not know at this time. It is possible that she is a brilliant flaming shooting star who is flashing through my world to illuminate some things / issues that I needed to see with more clarity - a catalyst of growth and awakening. Perhaps I will get to once more experience a broken heart and the grief that goes with it. I don't get to know that right now. What is important is that I am willing to take the risk - and the Universe has brought a very special lady into my life to help me learn. I am hoping that she is the special woman who will be willing and able to surrender to opening her heart to me, to surrender to the experience of Loving me - while I surrender completely to the experience of Loving her, to opening my heart to her. More will be revealed about how this newest adventure is going to unfold."

It is now 5 years later - 3 years longer than my previous relationship record - so it has been long term for me, and Susan has been a brilliant flaming star illuminating issues in my life, definitely a catalyst for growth and awakening. But it has taken some time for some of the lessons to sink in, for some of the issues to become illuminated.

February 12th 2010 - hopefully for publication on Valentine's Day
On Christmas I wrote the following to my Yahoo mailing list:

"I posted the newest pictures on my Darien page earlier this month, but haven't had time to tell the stories yet. I am going to be sharing about a huge breakthrough Susan and I have had in our relationship in that writing for the Darien page - but not sure when I am going to get it done. Hopefully before the start of the new year." - Friday 12/25/09 9:25 PM "Merry Christmas to my Yahoo mailing list"

Although I have worked on this page intermittently since then, it is only now that I am nearing the finish. Last fall our relationship made a quantum leap in intimacy - and I have now opened my heart to Susan as much as I have to Darien.

In my early writings about the relationship, I talked about how I had opened my heart to her in a way I had never done to another person - and how I was able to Love in the moment in the way I described in my Wedding Prayer / Meditation on Romantic Commitment in reality and not just in theory - and those things were true to the extent I was capable of loving at that time. But the level to which I had opened my heart and was capable of Loving then was minuscule in comparison with where I am at now. I have tried to think of analogies - like the difference between a drop of water and all the water in the pond; a grain of sand to all the sand on the beach; being in preschool as opposed to getting my third Ph.D.; my level of consciousness at 30 days sober compared to at 26 years in recovery, etc. Obviously I am trying to convey that there has been a huge, quantum leap into dimensions and depths that I have never experienced before.

This was a major, huge, incredible breakthrough for me - and unfortunately the Universe need to use a big stick on me to get me to wake up.

"The way I think of it is that my Higher Power works with the carrot and stick approach: like a mule driver trying to get a mule moving, he can either dangle a carrot in front of the mule and get the mule moving after the carrot, or he can take a stick and beat him until he gets moving.

It is a lot easier on me to follow the carrots that my Higher Power dangles in front of me than to force the Universe to use a stick to get me moving. Either way I am going to get to where the Universe wants me - but the carrot method is a lot easier on me.

The more that I do my healing, the clearer I get on receiving the messages - the more I get to follow the carrots instead of experiencing the stick. The dance of Recovery is a process of starting to Love ourselves enough to start changing life into an easier, more enjoyable experience." - Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

It was an incredibly painful experience - as opportunities for growth often are, especially when the stick is used. When Susan gave me my 26 year token at an AA meeting she said that us standing up there together was proof of the miracles possible when two people are in recovery. She said that "we went through hell" this last year and now our relationship has never been so good - or something to that effect. (The part in quotes is a direct quote.) The people in the room could feel the Love we have for each other now - and it was a very cool experience.

The "hell" part was not fun - but it was a major load of fertilizer for both of us. I don't know if we could have reached the level of Love and intimacy that we are at now had I been willing to follow the carrots. I don't think so sitting here today. I think we needed to go through what we went through as a perfect part of our individual spiritual paths. A few weeks ago, when I started writing this, I was really beating myself up - judging and shaming myself for not following the carrots. I told her that I was so sorry - that it was like I was in a black out for a couple of years. But that isn't true. I was doing the best I knew how I at the time. And the things that she went through - that I, in a way, set her up for - were a perfect part of her growth process. Some deep issues that she needed to get in touch with - just as I needed to get in touch with the issues that were driving my behavior.

There were plenty of carrots that told me something wasn't right in how I was behaving - but it wasn't yet time for me to uncover the source of those fears, of that defensive behavior yet. Up until last fall, I was still very defended in my relationship with her. This was something I recognized and mentioned in my writing - but that I was not able to overcome until a few months ago.

At the beginning of this page I quoted my April 2008 Newsletter:

"My fear of intimacy is still keeping me from opening my heart completely to Susan in some ways - and to myself also of course (the fear of shining too brightly I mentioned in my last post here) - but our Higher Powers unfolded our paths perfectly to put us together with Darien so he could help us both learn about Love. Susan and I are learning a great deal from each other - and the common ground of our love for Darien is helping our love to evolve. . . . . I can see clearly now that Darien is the first human being - since my parents when I was an infant - that I have ever opened up my heart to completely. Because of my Love for Darien, I am gradually opening my heart to Susan." - Joy2MeU Update April 2008

And it was gradually that I was opening my heart to her. I wasn't ready yet to break through in a major way because I wasn't aware of where my resistance was coming from. I knew that I wasn't comfortable with the way I was keeping her at a distance, the way my fear of intimacy was still operating to keep my heart mostly closed, but had not uncovered the cause. In some writing I did in January 2007 I was forced to look at my fear of intimacy issues again by some things that came up as I was writing an appeal for help in keeping my book in print. That caused me to do some processing in my March 2007 Update about what I had written - although I ended up sharing what I had written in an addendum to that Update rather than in the Update.

"And that is what I am seeing right now - that my terror of intimacy has risen it's ugly head and has been doing a number on me. I have been allowing myself to focus upon the "stress" of the financial situation as an excuse to be distracted and not present in my relationship with Susan. And I have been using my precious step grandson / God son Darien as part of my camouflage for doing that." - My Fear of Intimacy revisited again 2007

So, as far back as January 2007 - over 3 years ago now - I was aware that I was focusing on Darien, not just because of my Love for him - but also as a way of keeping some distance between us. In that March 2007 Update I shared that I was going to be writing about my fear of intimacy, and also about my issues with my own masculine energy which I thought was a key to opening up my heart to Susan. Then I wrote the addendum page just quoted - and basically talked about the history of my processing through my fear of intimacy issues. That left the actual issues I needed to look at for another extra Newsletter page - a page which I never finished. Obviously it wasn't time yet to make the break through.

Ultimately those issues had to do with my father. Those are issues that I still need to do some processing about, and I plan on doing that processing in my next Update Newsletter which I will try to get finished this month. The issues that I had with my father - resentments of how he treated me (which I had done some work on, but not enough) and betrayal issues from early childhood that I had not even known were there - were what was causing me to keep up walls with Susan. I was discounting and invalidating her, withholding my love and affection and attention because of buttons that she pushed in me because of my issues with my father. And I set her up to react out of issues she had with her father who abandoned her. Her abandonment issues caused her to revert to an old pattern of hers - seeking attention and validation from men.

I am not going to go into the processing I need to do any more here. I will be sharing about those issues with my father and the behaviors they caused in the upcoming Update. I am going to wrap up this section with an answer I gave to someone who sent me a question in a message on Facebook - and then include some pictures from our trip to Cambria on the 5th anniversary of our first meeting.

Q: "hi. im curious what you think...do you think that a codependents relationship with someone that they have chosen out of their codependency COULD ever work? and what if when that relationships trust has already been destroyed? i think i know the answer to be no, but im am struggling with my feelings and thoughts on this and thought maybe you could give me some insight/advice. thanks."

A: "Yes ___, it can work if both people are working on their issues so that they can stop reacting and start seeing things more clearly. That includes seeing that the violation of trust that occurred was not personal - just the other person reacting to their own issues. So blind trust cannot be restored - but trust based on the reality of who the other person is today can be built.

I hope that makes some sense. It is really a very complicated process sorting all of this out - and involves owning and grieving for the old wounds that have been triggered in the latest situation."

The key ingredient in choosing to go forward with exploring a relationship with Susan back in January 2005 was that she was dedicated to her recovery. She is often more dedicated to her recovery than I am able to be - and she challenges me on that when I am being lazy and complacent. It is vital to be able to work through issues in a relationship - and the magic that happened when we were able to work through our issues a few months ago Truly does make this relationship a priceless gift that I treasure and cherish, as I spoke about in one of my theoretical articles on healthy relationships that I wrote over 10 years ago.

"It is vitally important to make healing and Spiritual growth our number one priority so that we can look to the other person for help and support - not expect them to rescue us and give us self worth. Healing is an inside job. My issues are my responsibility to work through, it is not the other persons job to compromise her self to accommodate my fears and insecurities. If I am choosing wisely when I enter into a relationship then I will choose someone who will be compassionate, patient, and supportive of me while I work through my issues.

And no matter how wisely I choose, or how much healing and recovery the other person has had, she will still be a human being with her own issues to work through so she will not always be able to be patient, compassionate, and supportive. For one person to expect another to always be there for them, to always have the space and time to be available to us, is another insane expectation.

We do want to choose someone who is willing to work through issues. When another person is willing to do the work with us, a relationship can be an incredibly nurturing, magical space to explore what True Love means - some of the time. It can not be that all of the time. There might be periods of time - days, weeks, even months - where things are going beautifully and it feels like we may have reached "happily ever after". But then things will change and get different. That is how the life process works - it will not be someone's fault. It will be a new opportunity for growth for both people.

Two people who are working through their issues and are willing to do the grief work, can turn an argument about some stupid, mundane life event into some mutual deep grieving. That is True emotional intimacy.

When we are willing to own our power to be the neutral observer who can see our responsibility in whatever is happening without shame and judgment, and can also have the courage and willingness to hold the other person responsible for their behavior without shame and judgment - then the magic can really happen.

Two people who have negotiated some guidelines to help them in times when they are vulnerable and reactive - can transform an argument about some symptom into an opportunity to heal some core wounding. . . . .

. . . . . . They can achieve a place of True emotional honesty and intimacy where they can get in touch with their individual wounds and grieve together. That is the kind of emotional intimacy which can form a very deep bond and be Joyously healing for both people.

To be willing to be conscious and emotionally honest with ourselves is a courageous act of faith that will allow us to progressively increase the number of moments in each day that we have the ability and freedom to be happy and Joyous in the now. To find another being who is willing to join us in this adventure, and to explore True emotional intimacy with us, is a priceless gift to be cherished and treasured." - Healthy Relationships - Part 4, Partners in the Journey

I was able to get past my reactions - and separate the pain from my childhood from the pain in the now - to get a place where I was able to take responsibility for my side of the street - for how my behavior set her up to seek attention elsewhere. Her process unfolded perfectly in sync with mine in that the Love she feels for me helped her to hit a bottom in her old pattern that allowed her to reexamine some of the old ideas / attitudes and wounds driving her behavior and see her self more clearly so that she could get to a deeper level of honesty with herself and me. It was a True journey into intimacy and a gift (that felt like shit some of the time) - but I am very grateful for how things have unfolded because the place we are at now is a place neither of us has ever been.

It is still quite scary at times, being so vulnerable from having opened my heart to her so much - as I am sure it is also for her - but we are going forward enjoying this new closeness, this new much deeper intimacy, and this new more mature Love that comes from having worked through issues that would have destroyed most relationships. I am proud of myself, and very grateful and proud of her, for having the courage to reach the place we have in our relationship now. As I said to her on my Facebook page, "Thank you Sweetie for making my life so much richer. You are the Valentine that is the answer to my prayers!" - RB 2/14/10

Darien & "Papa" on the beach.
Darien Cambria Park

The big boy on the jungle gym at the Cambria park.

On the weekend that included January 23rd - the anniversary of our first meeting - we made a trip to Cambria. These are pictures from that trip. Cambria is a special place for me - a special place for Susan also. And it is a special place for us. We hope that some day we might be able to live back up there again. Although right now we are trying to figure out how we are going to pay this months rent here in Encinitas. It is a good time to remember what I wrote in my October 2005 Update - when I shared the incredible miracles that led me to Cambria back in 1995.

"So, I am going to share a little of the story of how I came here to Cambria. This is an excerpt from a page I wrote for my Joy2MeU Journal in 1999 when - as I talk about on that Donation page - I was without a home to live in for 6 months.

I tell this story not only to share the miracles with you - and to remind me to have faith - but also because I need to be reminded of the tools and process I need to use to maintain some emotional balance when my buttons are being pushed. As I have mentioned, my partner has defensive reactions that push all those deepest buttons - so the reminder is very appropriate in my life right now. And the reminder to have faith in the future while enjoying the journey one day at a time, is very timely and appreciated. As I was saying to my Lover yesterday - as we took a walk through the magical forest behind the house we want to rent - it is important for us to remember to not give so much power to fear of the future, and instead to "take time to stop and enjoy the baby." This time of experiencing her Love for me growing, our Love for each other growing - and sharing with her the experience of watching him grow - is the most amazing, Joyous time I have ever experienced. I am so grateful for this last few months no matter what the outcome of the situation turns out to be. I hope this adventure between us can continue for the rest of my life. ~ Robert October 17, 2005” - Joy2MeU Update October 2005

The difference now is that we need to take time to stop and enjoy the "big boy." ;-) And we still need to hope for miracles at the same time we are taking any action we can take to change the financial situation. I am again working the third step by sending out a message to the Universe that I could use some financial manifestation. Maybe there are some eskimos out there who will respond or the Universe will answer in some way soon: Working the Third Step - ASKing for help - Opening to Abundance

Darien running in the Cambria park.
Susan and Darien Cambria 1/23/10

Darien & Susan getting ready for the hot tub.

(If there was ever an example of the insanity of codependency, it is withholding attention and affection from a partner who looks like this.)

I do Love Cambria and miss it greatly.

Update February 2012

As I am pulling together information to update this page at 3:35 am on January 29th, it suddenly dawned on me that I haven't updated this page for 2 years instead of the year I was thinking it was. So I am just going to include a two excerpts from my January 2011 Update Newsletter that focused on Darien in 2010.

Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:31 pm from message Update on the Joy2MeU Adventure - asking for help, for Love offering to Yahoo Mailing list

"Part of the reason today was such an emotional day is that we took Darien for his first day in kindergarten in public school. The place was overrun with parents and kids - we had to park blocks away. There are over 80 kindergarten kids and none of the 20 in his room was anyone he knew. Darien got really upset and started crying. Susan and I also got really emotional. We had been hoping to put him in a Montessori School like his preschool. In fact Susan found one in Carlsbad that goes through 6th grade that she fell in love with. She took Darien to visit it last week and he really loved it. The director and one of the teachers spent almost an hour with Susan and Darien. When it was time to leave Darien thanked them for spending so much time with him and expressed his beautiful self so wonderfully that both of them - as well as Susan - got all choked up and teary eyed. He is such a beautiful, sweet soul. He told me the other day that he wants to learn everything and that is why he asks so many questions. (Like "What do we need plants for?" "Where did animals come from?" "How do you get to be a father?" "Do boy birds sing?" - this last was coming home from school one day when he started in with one of his trains of thought that went something like this: "Wouldn't it be cool to be a bird! I could fly up in the sky and it would feel so wonderful! And sing beautiful songs. Do boy birds sing? Then I could sing beautiful songs and make the whole world happy." He is really big on wanting to make the whole world happy and keeping the planet clean and beautiful.)

In February, the last time things got so desperate that I had to send out an appeal to my whole e-mailing list, I mentioned that one of the things we needed to do was keep Darien in his Montessori school.

"The response was overwhelmingly positive. Most people weren't able to send anything, but did send good wishes and prayers - as well as thanks for having the courage to ask for help. There were a few people who responded very negatively and asked to be taken of the mailing list. There were also 3 or 4 people who wrote to say we should take Darien out of the Montessori School - that it was a luxury not a necessity. That couldn't be further from the truth.

We originally put him in that school because it was cheaper than regular day care. And it has been a great experience for him - he is so much more confident in socializing with other kids now, it is really great. The main reason to put him in the school however was to give me some time to work. I have almost no time to do any writing these days (witness the need to do it in the early am) - and find it impossible to do any kind of focused work that takes some concentration when his enthusiastic, exuberant little self is around.

"During the time he is in school - basically 9 until 3 - is the time I have to get things done. Then and early in the morning or late at night. (Last night - with the help of a tooth ache - I stayed up until about 2 working on this.) My mornings are centered around getting him dressed and ready and off to school - and once he gets home in the afternoon it is hard to do anything that takes very much concentration and focus because he wants attention and help with various things. Or he wants to be on my computer playing games - which means I can't be on my computer. The other day he changed the screen saver on my computer - 4 years old, and he is finding things on my computer that I didn't know were there. I used to have more time in the afternoon or evening to get some things done before Susan started this job - but now she isn't here near as much and is often pretty tired when she is." - Feb. 5, 2009 message to Yahoo Mailing list quoted in April 2009 Update Newsletter

It is between 9 and 3 on weekdays that I try to do most of my telephone counseling appointments, get to the post office to mail off orders, do the grocery shopping, etc., etc. He is a Joy and a blessing, but it is challenging to get any work done when he is around. So, having some time to myself is very important to me and keeping him in school was not a luxury." - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter May 2010

This time of course, the Montessori School would be a luxury, because he can go to kindergarten in the public school for free. We really don't want to send him there. The one time a few weeks ago that we went over there to check it out, there were older kids - maybe 3rd or 4th graders - running around, cussing and generally acting in ways we really don't want him exposed to at this age. After that visit, we started searching frantically for other options. Most of the private schools are too expensive, and some of the them are not that great. But then Susan found this one in Carlsbad - which is about 10 miles away, but in the same vicinity as Susan's office. It isn't as expensive as most of the private schools - but still not in the realm of possibility when we can't even pay the rent.

The Montessori School doesn't start until September 1st - while public schools started today, August 16th. (I am actually finishing this on the 17th.) We realized that no matter what we wanted, the Universe might have different plans. And that it could be best in the Cosmic Scheme of things for him to go to public school. Also, realistically, if we didn't start him in public school and the end of the month comes without enough financial resources to send him to the other school we would be in a really bad position - perhaps having to start him in public school several weeks late. We certainly didn't want to put him in that kind of position.

In any case, what happened is that Susan became very upset and gestured for us to go. As we were leaving we ran into 3 of his friends from his preschool, but we were already leaving and he was so upset. When we got home I was an emotional wreck for a couple of hours. Just kept bursting in tears and sobs. It took me awhile to process through what was happening and realize I was reacting out of an inner child place on one hand.

"By the time I was 4 or 5 I felt overwhelming shame. I felt like I was inadequate and defective because I was unable to protect my mother from my father." - Union Within - healing the inner child

And also reacting out of the old tapes that tell me I am a loser and a failure because I am not making enough money and able to support and protect my family. The old tapes that tell me that nothing I ever do is good enough because I am inherently flawed and defective - inherently unlovable and unworthy. When thinking about sending out this appeal during that time, it was going to start with something like, "My heart is so broken."

As I said, it took me a couple of hours to work through that - to set some internal boundaries with the critical parent voice and with the inner child places within me that feel so broken and damaged. Shortly after I had gotten to a place of more balance Darien came in to talk to me. He proceeded to tell me that he was so upset because there were so many people there - and that I should remember that it takes him awhile to get used to someplace new. He then said he wanted to go to school tomorrow (today) and "I promise that I will be really brave."

So, this morning I took the brave little man to school. It seemed like there were hundreds less people there and we were able to park right in front. Of course, we went early and his room was still locked. But then we connected with his teacher and she was really cool with him. She had to go into the office for a bit and Darien started dancing - doing what I think of as his Irish jig kind of a dance. By the time, she had shown him around the room and explained a few things to us, a few of the kids he knew from his old school had shown up. Last I saw of him, he was waving good bye as he ran to the playground to play before school started. So, more will be revealed about how this all works out - but as of today he has started kindergarten in the public school.

By the time he came into tell me that he was going to be brave, I had worked through the reactions I had and remembered the Truth about asking for help.

"Learning to have the humility and courage to ask for help was a vital component for me in learning to live life sober. I understand now that asking for help is an act of Love for my self, is part of taking responsibility for myself because I cannot do it alone - I was never meant to do it alone." - Donations to the Cause / Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes

So, I am getting ready to publish this page now to demonstrate a willingness to be Loving to me. I have made up some pages with special offices on the products I have and on phone counseling. There is a list of those along with links to the offers pages just below the donation links. As far as the donations go, I have always sent energy back when anyone has been moved to send some green energy my way.

"The Metaphysical Law of Karma - of cause and effect / giving and receiving / what you sow you reap - is what governs this life experience we are having. Giving and receiving are two parts of one dynamic - like breathing. As a friend of mine who is a New Thought minister says, "to say giving is more Blessed than receiving is like saying exhaling is more Blessed than inhaling." Just as breath needs to flow in and out, so too does energy need to flow- on all levels, including emotional energy. Blocking the flow of any energy, whether it is money energy or emotional energy, is dysfunctional." - Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving ~ Donations / Love Offering

I know there is a perfect Divine Plan unfolding and that everything will work out for the best in the long run. What that is going to look like I can't know - More Will Be Revealed. The reality of my life right now is I have never had such an abundance of Love in my life. Things between Susan and I are better than they have ever been (she asked me last week if we could just get married in Cambria soon) - and Darien continues to amaze us and bring so much Joy into our lives."

Mon Sep 6, 2010 9:43 pm from message Update on the You are invited to our Wedding Reception to Yahoo Mailing list

"I added two updates to the request for help I sent out back on August 17th - will include them here and then a short summary of what happened after that. . . .

    "Update August 22, 2010: Some donations have been coming in, and some sales, enough that I told the landlady's lawyer son on Friday that I should be able to pay the first half of the August rent by Tuesday or Wednesday. Today our best car broke down. If we are lucky it will just be a water pump and cost less than $600 - but doesn't look like I will get the rent paid when I told him. Hopefully there are some more people who are going to take advantage of the great deals on phone counseling or the upcoming workshop or some more donations are on the way. The Adventure continues and More Will Be Revealed. Meanwhile Darien's aunt and uncle took him to LegoLand on Friday and after riding the rides they went to the Waterpark- "the Greatest Day Ever!" according to the amazing little man. I got to watch him surf yesterday and was blown away. He goes boldly out into the waves with his boogie board - the man who doesn't like to get his face in the water - and rides them in. Very cool! (A little scary for Papa to watch.;-) And he is loving the public school so far. He is obviously way ahead of where they are starting at, but I guess we don't have to start worrying about him preparing for college just yet. I should have an announcement about the cruise in February later this week. We will get married next month but have a celebration on the cruise. Hard to have moments of Joy when waiting for the tow truck to come take the car to the shop - but not impossible. ;-) I know there is a Divine Plan unfolding here somehow. ~ Robert 8/22/10 6:22 pm

    Update August 27, 2010: Have gotten first half of August rent paid and all the major utilities covered - so that is very good news! The junker car we took on a month ago had some major problems but we found someone who wanted just that kind of car and sold it today - seemed like that car was going to be far more hassle than it was worth (it had a broken motor mount so I was having to drive very carefully.) Got the water pump on other car fixed for under $350 - it has some transmission problems going on but hopefully is good for awhile. We rented a car for a week while all this was going on but will have to give that back Monday (Susan mentioned on her Facebook page that it was a cool hybrid.) Having only one car will cause some major logistical problems but if we have to go that way for awhile we can work it out I am sure. Susan is going to see about buying a car on credit with perhaps a cosigner to try to get workable payments. We went to open house at Darien's public school last night - and afterward Susan cried. We are not happy about his teacher or the situation. This afternoon Susan got an e-mail from the Montessori school saying they might be able to work with us. We both want so much to be able to send him there - but are willing to accept the Divine Plan if that doesn't work out. Doesn't look like I will be able to afford to record my Intensive a week from Sunday. We are very grateful to everyone who helped out or sent good wishes. Would be grateful to anyone else who wants to send some help our way. Hopefully a few people will take advantage of the special offers I have available before Saturday night when they expire. I am not sure we are going to be able to make the trip up to Cambria to get married as we planned in a couple of weeks - or that we will have a car that we feel confident enough in to make the trip. If we have to postpone it a few weeks, we can. We are just going to have a very simple ceremony with a few people up there and then have our real celebration on the cruise hopefully. (And hopefully, I will get some time this weekend to work on the page with information about the cruise.)

    I hope and pray this is the last time I have to ask for help in this way. I just got all emotional writing that. I really don't like doing this at all, but accepting and surrendering and willingness to take action for me and my recovery have been the key to turning my life into an Adventure worth living instead of an endurance contest of suffering. This will be the last update to this page - I will probably do an Update Newsletter in September. I am going to close this with a quote from my book about acceptance and surrender and all those spiritual principles that are so vital to making life worth living - so vital to making it possible for me to still be celebrating life as a dance with many, many moments of Joy & Love in it no matter what is happening with the external circumstances. ~ Robert 8/27/10 5:42 pm" - http://joy2meu.com/Help_2010.html

Two days in a row Darien came home with a "bad" slip (saying that he had to put his dog bone under a tree instead of at his doghouse like when he has a good day - where do they come up with these things) and an attitude. The second day he was the only one in the class of kindergartners who didn't follow directions - like Abe said, excuse me, 17 5 years olds and he is the only one who doesn't follow directions. The teacher had been teaching 6th grade for 17 years and at the open house said she would get through everything fast so we could get home and have a glass of wine. He was acting like an arrogant smart aleck and I could see him taking on a defensive attitude to survive in a hostile environment. The next day we started him in the Montessori School. They agreed to a lower price until his father is able to get more support through the army at which time we will pay them more. I was so emotional about being able to send him there - didn't realize how much the other place was bothering me. Sometimes I practice acceptance so hard I end up stuffing feelings in the process. Am so grateful I had made and received enough by then to make it happen.

That was last Wednesday. On Thursday Susan's Dad bought her a new car - one that she will have to make payments to him for - it is a 2008 Hyundai with only 30,000 miles on it. So, that is great. Things are definitely better now and we are so grateful to everyone who sent some Love our way. The request I made triggered money coming in from places that had nothing to do with me asking for help - or nothing to do directly, but metaphysically it was all about putting it out there and having it come back from somewhere. I don't know how things are going to unfold in the coming months because we are still running close to the edge but we got through a crisis period and are very GRATEFULL!!!!!!!

Love and Joy 2 all of us,
Robert

One more note on Darien 2010 - this is something that happened in summer that really touched me, so I want to share it.

Just reminded me of something that happened a few months ago with my step grandson Darien. He will be 6 in November - and he and I have this powerful connection to each other (even look alike though there is not blood relationship.) One day he was asking questions about various things like he does (wants to know everything) and talking about when he was a baby because of a picture of him on the wall. I told him that the first time I met him (he was about 3 or 4 months old) that he cried (Susan thought it was because my deep voice scared him) - and he says, "From Joy?" It was a mind blower to me that a 5 year old understood that it was possible to cry from Joy - and that that was his assumption about what he would have felt the first time we met. :-)

In the January 2011 Update I did announce that we were getting married two days later - and so now on with 2011. I am mostly going to adding pictures this time - with a few little stories and two longer excerpts. I used to keep a running list of the cute and amazing things he did and said - but quit doing that quite awhile ago. There are too many of them in any case - so am just keeping this update of this page simple this time.

We got married on January 14th, 2011 in a civil ceremony at the County Court House in San Luis Obispo California.

	Our ring bearer waiting for his cue - he was taking his job very seriously. Getting married was a great idea and our relationship has grown and gotten much easier and more comfortable - our intimacy much deeper - since the wedding. Now that we have passed our First Anniversary, I can say that it definitely changed things for the better.
	My beautiful wife and handsome grandson - my family.

There were several choices for the script for the civil ceremony and we choose this one - which is actually quite beautiful and healthy.

"We are here today in the presence of these witnesses to join together Robert and Susan in marriage.

Marriage is a sincere and mutual commitment to love one another and to work towards creating a life together in an atmosphere of care, consideration, and respect.

The act of uniting two people in marriage is one of the oldest and dearest ceremonies known.

A civil ceremony, although brief, is just as binding and as far reaching as the most solemn religious ceremony.

Marriage is commended to us to be honorable among all persons: and is not to be entered into lightly, but with reverence for it's responsibilities.

Happiness in a marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created and nurtured. In the art of marriage, the little things are the big things.

It is never being too old to hold hands.

It is remembering to say, “I love you.”

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.

It is standing together, doing things for each other in the spirit of giving.

It is speaking words of appreciation and showing gratitude in thoughtful ways.

It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding, and a sense of humor.

It is having the ability to forgive and forget.

It is not marrying the right partner; it is being the right partner.

Please join hands, and turn and face each other.

Robert will you take Susan for your lawfully wedded spouse? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, in adversity and prosperity, for better or worse, throughout all the days of your life?

Susan will you take Robert for your lawfully wedded spouse? Will you love him, comfort her, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, in adversity and prosperity, for better or worse, throughout all the days of your life?

May we have the rings, please?

Please repeat after me. “With this ring I marry you, and promise you my love and faithfulness.”

The rings are a symbol of your marriage. They are symbolic of the fact that you have this day pledged yourselves in marriage, and as the ring is a perfect circle without end, it is the wish and hope of all that your marriage will be perfect and without end.

And now, in as much as Robert and Susan have consented together in marriage, and have declared the same before witnesses and thereto have given and pledged their love and faithfulness to each other, by the authority vested in me I pronounce you married under the laws of the state of California."

Be the right person!

Snapshots from 2011

Thu Feb 24, 2011 11:40 pm An excerpt from Off on our Honeymoon Cruise on Saturday Message to Yahoo Mailing list

" . . . Here is one of my entries on Facebook that gives some insight into one thing that is happening in our lives right now.

"A moment to be treasured: This morning walking Darien up the ramp to his school room, he reached out and took my hand. I was very conscious and present to treasuring the connection between us holding hands as we walked to his room, because my big 6 year old grandson is not too far away from getting to the point where he will be too big to hold his grandpa's hand any more." January 24 at 9:22a

Our little man is growing up. Every time he takes my hand now, I pay special attention and cherish the moment.

On the way to school the other day he was playing his little video game - one in which he has to do math problems to get to the next level. That day he was asking me for answers to division questions - and I tried to explain how it works to him when he cut me off. He proceeded to tell me that he doesn't have to know about multiplication and division now - that he doesn't need to learn that until college.

So it is now 11:25 pm Feb. 24th and Susan and Darien are sleeping - although I did just need to take Darien to the bathroom (I don't think he ever woke up quite.)"

February 5th - It is over a year later and the little man still has no reluctance to hold my hand when I am walking him into school. He is a lot more independent and often asks me just to drop him off in front of school - but just as often I park and walk him in, and he doesn't mind holding hands at all. :-)

Western Caribbean Cruise ~ Our Honeymoon cruise thanks to the kindness of some friends. (Especially Aileen M. & Cory B.)

"We are leaving on the cruise early Saturday morning. One friend who has traveled from Arizona to my Intensive 4 times traded in his time share for the year for our plane tickets. Another friend who was on the last cruise with us paid for most of our cabin. So, another miracle and we get to go on our honeymoon cruise." - Thu Feb 24, 2011 11:40 pm An excerpt from Off on our Honeymoon Cruise on Saturday Message to Yahoo Mailing list

Darien charmed the whole crew - waitresses were competing to see who could carry his tray for him at dinner.

Darien loved this pool on the beach in Costa Maya.

Of course, my beautiful wife loves laying in the sun any time - this was in Costa Maya also I think.

"Call me mischief." Darien said, when I looked in and saw him with this on. March 9th, 2011

Darien's first modeling gig

Susan knew someone who was doing some publicity photos for a band - and they wanted kids who looked like the band members for shots of the band as kids. So, Darien had his first modeling gig in May. He is playing a saxophone in the pictures at right - but it is so small you can't even see it. The man is a natural at posing for pictures.

Darien was downtown with Susan helping her promote a show she was producing during Comiccon weekend in July and took this picture with some cartoon character.

This is obviously a really old picture but when I was getting other pictures from Susan's Facebook I just couldn't resist adding this one because I haven't had it on this page before - and it gives an idea of why I was calling him Mr. Personality before he could even walk or talk.

In July I used Dariens picture on the cover of my new book. It is quite a poignant picture of him and it just seemed perfect for the cover of my inner child book.

In June I shared the following in a message to Yahoo mailing list:

" First of all, it is incredible that my journey is not solitary any more. On June 15th Susan and I will be celebrating having lived together for 6 years. An amazing record for both of us. And we will have been married for 5 months then also. I am very glad that she is now my wife. Darien is just an amazing little man - and we are both so blessed to have the privilege and honor of having raised him for the past 5 years plus. . . This kid is a natural model. Going to be a star some day. . . . . Last August - as I shared on that page - we were agonizing about having to send Darien to public school. We did start him in public school and then pulled him out and were able get him into a Montessori school. The end of that school year is this week and I am sobbing and crying from Joy, and because I am so grateful that Darien got to go there. It has been wonderful for him - and I am soooooo grateful for it."

In August I shared the following in a message to Yahoo mailing list:

"Darien's Dad is here on a short visit from Afghanistan. Darien hasn't seen him in two years and was so excited to see him. He went to Alaska first (where he has been stationed for the last few years - which is why Darien hasn't seen him in 2 years) and got engaged to the woman he was seeing there and brought her down with him. She seems to be really good for him and has gotten Susan's seal of approval. He just got here yesterday and has to leave on Wednesday - but it is great for Darien to see him."

In August I shared this on Facebook:

"Am all emotional this morning. Just took my little buddy to start second grade in Public School. He is growing up. I am sad and scared of what the experience will be like for him. He is such a gentle soul - and I Love him so much. Turning him over to his HP now."

Second Grade - and then back to First Grade

Sat Sep 17, 2011 4:39 pm from message News from Joy to You & Me to Yahoo Mailing list

"One of the consequences of our situation is that it was never a real option this year to send Darien back to the Montessori School. For those of you who weren't around last year - or haven't read the messages from last year at this time - we started Darien in kindergarten in public school last year and then were real concerned about the teacher and situation as we saw it the first couple of weeks of school. When we moved down here to the San Diego area 5 years ago, we put Darien in a Montessori preschool because it was cheaper than daycare - and both Susan and I needed to be able to work during the daytime. The Montessori preschool he was in didn't have a kindergarten until the last year he was there - and then it was just one period a day and not really a full fledged kindergarten. When both Susan and I started crying out of our fear for him after the Back to School Night where we heard the teacher talking to the parents, we managed to work out a deal with another Montessori school for him to attend there (something we really couldn't afford, but felt we couldn't afford not to for Darien's sake.) And I think that school was real good for him. But it started with first grade - and though Darien was the only kid at the first grade level, we got to thinking of him as being in the first grade. And it was normal for him to expect to go to the second grade this year - something we really didn't even think about.

Well it turned out, that though the Montessori School was good at teaching him math and sciences, he is still at a very beginning first grade level when it comes to reading. His teacher expressed her concern to Susan in the first week - and said he was really reading at a kindergarten level. It wasn't until that happened, that we really realized that he had essentially skipped kindergarten. And when one of the kids in his class had his 8th birthday it really drove home the point that Darien was much younger than most of the class. In helping him with his reading, I could see that he just wasn't developmentally ready for level they were expecting of him - and we asked that he be moved back to first grade. We had an evaluation meeting with the teachers and the principle and now Darien will be moving to a first grade class on Monday.

We are really hoping that this is not going to be emotionally traumatizing for him - and he seems to be taking it in stride (explaining to people when it comes up that he skipped kindergarten.) I think it is really the best thing for him - but so hope none of the kids tease him about it or anything. We love that little man so much and are really trying to do what is best for him. His father was home for 3 days on leave from Afghanistan last month - and it is the first time he has seen him in two years - and he won't see him again for another year. His mother is missing in action - on the run from violating her probation for several drug related felony convictions - and he hasn't seen her in months. He is actually used to them not being around, since that has been the norm for years now. But every once in a while he will get into some grief about it. Usually he starts off crying about being sad because he hasn't seen a friend at the kids club in a long time, or sad about his cat being gone (the cat has been gone for 4 years) - before getting around to owning that he misses his mommy.

A bit earlier today, I was at the gym with Darien. When I picked him up from the kids klub there, the person who had been supervising the kids was just gushing about him. She said "He is such a leader." And in talking to her - telling her about him - I was reminded of just how smart the little man is. I talked in earlier messages to this list, about how when we moved down here in September 2006 he had very little experience of interacting with other kids. Susan and I became his full time guardians in April of 2006 - though his mother and father had been living with us up to that time and we had been taking care of him part of the time. The montessori school we put him in - and the kids club at the gym - were the places where he really learned how to relate to other kids. I mentioned - in probably more than one of my past messages here - how when he was little I would take him to the park or the kids club and he would run right up to any kids around (even kids much older) and ask them if they would play with him. This often set him up to get his feelings hurt - and he would feel really badly when the kid or kids didn't want to play with him (and I would feel really sad for him.) But at some point, he figured out that if he brought along some toy or something that other kids would be interested in, then they would ask to play with him.

It was probably when he was close to 4 when he started doing that. And he has been doing it ever since. As I was telling her how he figured out that bringing something helped him find kids to play with - and she was saying how smart he is - the scene when we first got to the gym flashed in my mind. He is bringing what they call beyblades with him these days (little things that spin like tops and battle in a little arena - very popular with little boys.) As soon as we got there, the boys all descended on his arena and started grabbing at them - at which point he stepped in and started setting boundaries with them. And I said to her - this being the first time I ever put words to what I was seeing - that bringing something that other kids wanted to play with had forced him to learn how to set boundaries. This was really what she was talking about when she was saying what a leader he is - that he was setting boundaries and making rules for other kids to follow.

She then gushed about how much personality he has - which reminded me (something I have also mentioned here in past messages) about how I started calling him Mr. Personality before he could even walk and talk. Darien brings so much Joy to Susan and I - he is such a gift in our lives. We are blessed with Great Abundance because we have Darien in our lives. He is such a precious little man."

February 5th - It was a very good move to have him go back to First Grade. It has worked out great. The kids are his age and he is learning to read and doing very well. Just last week (January 2012) they had a monthly assembly at this grade school where the topic is that character counts. Each month evidently they give out awards to kids who exemplify that months positive character trait - and Darien was one of the two kids from his class selected. The character trait was Fairness - and it was apt because the one time he got into trouble it was because he was trying to defend someone who was being picked on. The day he got into trouble it was actually a misunderstanding. One of the volunteer lunch monitors thought he saw Darien give another kid the finger. I wrote the teacher a note saying that Darien didn't know what that was - and explaining to her what he had told me, which was that he made a gesture of pointing two fingers at his eyes and flipping his hand down indicating that he was "keeping his eyes" on the kid. The way he flipped his hand down, it was understandable how someone could have misinterpreted it - and the next day the teacher told me that she was so relieved to have him explain it to her because she couldn't imagine him doing what he was accused of. He didn't have to miss the recess - which was supposed to have been his punishment. He was just warning this other kid to not be mean.

Halloween - Ninja Warrior

Uncle Bryce & Aunt Melody (dressed for Grease), Grandma as Marylin Monroe, and cousin Kylie as a lady bug.

7th Birthday November 10, 2011

First the man got to open some presents at home on his birthday - some Beyblades from his Dad among other things. Darien does like presents.

Then on the next Saturday he had a birthday party at Round Table Pizza with lots of kids.

Christmas Eve afternoon he spent some quality time at LegoLand with Grandma.

On Facebook Susan shared this picture on December 19th along with this comment: "Darien has decided to ask Santa for a rain check this year due to the high volume of Christmas presents arriving on a daily basis. He has also decided to celebrate Hanukkah and open one present every day until Christmas arrives!"

I added this comment Facebook: "Our little man has been opening a present a day since he learned in school that Hanukkah lasted 8 days. Today an elf (former phone client of mine who has taken to buying Darien a multitude of presents every year) showed up at the door with a bunch more presents. I had been worried that he wouldn't have any left for Christmas with his Grandma Susan allowing him to open one a day - not worried any longer."

He loves to have lots of presents under the tree - and in fact, insisted on a big tree with lots of room for presents. And, he of course, never agreed to ask Santa for a rain check. He did say to me today (February 17th 2012) that it is too bad he didn't get any presents from Santa. When I said, oh but you did - he said, no only one of them said Santa on it, and it also said Daddy. So, as I talk about in the story below, he still believes in Santa mostly - but doesn't think he got any presents from him this year.

Sun Jan 1, 2012 8:14 pm from Happy New Year message to Yahoo Mailing List

Happy New Year to the Magnificent Spiritual Beings on my Yahoo mailing list,

To start out 2012, I am wanted to share a story with you about Darien.

Darien turned 7 in November. The age of 7 is a vital milestone in the child developmental process. Recognizing the significance of this milestone many years ago was a key to me understanding the disease of codependence.

The "age of reason" is actually a phrase that I have heard since childhood - because growing up Catholic it was at the age of reason that one could first take communion. Basically it means that the part of a child's brain that understands cause and effect, and logic - and abstract concepts - doesn't fully develop until around 7.

"The part of a child's brain that is logical and rational, that understands abstract concepts (like time or death), that can have any kind of an objective perspective on self or life, does not develop until about the age of 7 (the age of reason.) As little children we were completely ego-centric and magical thinking." - Reprogramming our dysfunctional ego defenses

In my telephone counseling and my Intensive Training workshops, I have evolved a way of explaining the importance of this that I don't think I have ever written in quite the way I explain it these days - so I think I will write about this a bit. It was for me of utmost importance to recognize the significance of how we were affected by our environments in early childhood to not only understand codependence, but even more importantly to be able to start forgiving ourselves for something that wasn't our fault, for something we had no control over. And I also want to acknowledge how perfect it is to have had Darien in my life for the last almost 7 years, because I got to watch his developmental process in action in ways that confirmed what I had intuitively come to understand years before. This story I am going to share has to do with Darien coming into the age of reason.

Prior to 7, we are primarily ego-centric and magical thinking. Our parents were our Higher Powers - the God and Goddess in our lives - and we had no realistic perspective of them whatsoever. As we are starting to grow up, we start to understand basic cause and effect - like, when you turn on the light switch the light comes on, the kinds of things I watched Darien discover with delight. But we can't understand more abstract concepts. We are not capable of process thought. For instance, when we are 3 or 4 or 5, we are not capable of thinking to ourselves, "Wow, Mom must be having a really bad day - that's why she is yelling at me." We just know that Mom is yelling at us. We do not have the ability to have a perspective that helps us understand that our parents have stress in their lives, or that the ways they are acting may have nothing to do with us.

As I said, we are ego-centric - we are the center of the Universe as far as we know. We took their behavior, the ways they treated us and the messages we got from them - both direct messages and indirect ones through their role modeling - personally. We thought what was happening had to do with us - because we weren't capable of seeing it any other way.

So anything that felt abusive, any kind of deprivation, anything in the environment that was uncomfortable - fighting, anxiety, depression, alcoholism, etc. - we took personally and internalized. We were the center of our Universe and it felt like the things that were painful and uncomfortable were our fault somehow. In my inner child work, I got in touch with the reality that by the time I was about 5 I felt ashamed that I wasn't able to protect my mother from my father - I felt like a failure somehow. Children are magical thinking. They feel like they have the power to cause fights, to cause drinking, to cause death even for some of us.

This is where the core of codependence comes from - what I call toxic shame. The difference between guilt and shame in my definition, is that guilt is about behavior (I did something wrong, I made a mistake) - while shame is about our being (something is wrong with me, I am a mistake.) It is the place deep inside of us where we feel somehow defective, somehow unlovable and unworthy because our parents were wounded. They didn't know how to love themselves or be emotionally healthy - so they could not love us in a healthy way. They were our Higher Powers so we couldn't conceive that they weren't perfect. We learned how to relate to our self, to life, and to other people in early childhood from people that were wounded in their childhoods.

""The Family Systems Dynamics research shows that within the family system, children adopt certain roles according to their family dynamics. Some of these roles are more passive, some are more aggressive, because in the competition for attention and validation within a family system the children must adopt different types of behaviors in order to feel like an individual." . . .

. . . . It is important to note that we adapt the roles that are best suited to our personalities. We are, of course, born with a certain personality. What happens with the roles we adapt in our family dynamic is that we get a twisted, distorted view of who we are as a result of our personality melding with the roles. This is dysfunctional because it causes us to not be able to see ourselves clearly. As long as we are still reacting to our childhood wounding and old tapes then we cannot get in touch clearly with who we really are." - Roles In Dysfunctional Families

The feeling that there is something wrong with me - toxic shame - is the foundation that we built our relationship with self on. It is the foundation of codependence.

Then what happens, is that our ego - which is the part of our being whose job is to help us survive - adapts an emotional and behavioral defense system to help us fit into the rules of our dysfunctional family so that we can survive. One of a child's jobs is to manipulate it's environment in order to survive - so a child will adapt whatever works. If throwing temper tantrums works; if crying works; if being the good child works; if trying to be invisible is what works; if being the family clown is what works; that is what a child will adapt. Neurological researchers now state that the neural pathways in our brain that relate to relating to other human beings are pretty well set by the time we are four or five years old.

"One of the new links I recently added to my recommend links page is to a great movie: What the Bleep Do We Know!? It is a movie about quantum physics - and I didn't just like it because they sounded like they were quoting from my book at times. It is really quite fascinating stuff. One of the things that was especially gratifying to me had to do with the neural pathways in the brain. I have been telling people for quite a few years that it was possible to reprogram the neural pathways in our brains by doing the inner child healing work - but that was an intuitive Knowing on my part. It was something that I Knew to be Truth - even though I wasn't real clear on exactly what neural pathways were. In the movie they have some wonderful animation - that among other things shows how the neural pathways can be programmed either negatively or positively depending upon what attitudes and perspectives a person chooses to empower." - Update Newsletter December 2004

In childhood we had attitudes and perspectives imposed upon us. We learned to relate to life out of fear, shame, and scarcity because that was how our parents were programed to relate to life.

Codependence is an ego defense system adapted in early childhood - and after early childhood what we do is add more layers to what is already a dysfunctional system. It is a dysfunctional defense system because it is based on a lie - the lie being that there is something wrong with who we are, with our being. There is nothing wrong with who we are - it is our relationship with self (and life and other people) that is all messed up because we did not have the mental capacity to understand that what was happening in our families was not personal. We did not have the ability to see that our parents were wounded and reacting to their own wounds - they were our Higher Powers.

When we get to be 8 or 9, we start to see the hypocrisy and the lies - but by then our relationship with our self is being dictated by the feeling that we had in early childhood that there was something wrong with who we are as a being. We are already programmed to feel like it is shameful to be imperfect and to look outside for validation in competition with others.

Darien and The Tooth Fairy

The dilemma Susan and I had recently was - "what should we tell him when something happens to cause him to question if there is a tooth fairy?" Do we tell him the truth or let him continue with the magical thinking?

It was about a week before Christmas when Darien lost another tooth. It was his fourth baby tooth that he has lost. And it happened the same way that the last tooth was lost, in the kid's klub at the gym. On the way to the gym that day, I got a foreshadowing of what was to come in a way. In a reminder that he was approaching the age of reason, he said on the way to the gym, "How can Santa Claus take toys to every house in the world all in one night?"

I didn't really answer his question - even though he asked it several more times, because I didn't want to hurry the process along. I want to let him reach his own conclusions in his own time, and not lay the truth on him when he wasn't ready for it.

That night he put his tooth in a box under his pillow for the tooth fairy to take and leave him some money. But the tooth fairy (that would be me - his grandpa) forgot about the tooth in the box. So did he. The next morning as he was getting ready for school, he was brushing his teeth and that reminded me that he had lost the tooth the night before and his grandma didn't know about it. Without thinking I said, "Darien lost another tooth yesterday" - and then realized I hadn't taken care of the tooth. I headed for his bed while Susan delayed him - and I quickly put a dollar in the box and put it back under the pillow.

But I forgot to take out the tooth!

He was glad to see the dollar but then noticed the tooth. And then he got mad at me and said something like, "Why did you do that grandpa?" Then, I think the thought occurred to him that I was the tooth fairy - and it made him angry. He went into the bathroom and locked the door. I asked him if he didn't need help brushing his hair - and he said "I will do it myself." We could hear that he was really mad about it.

On the way to school he start asking about it - if I had put the dollar in the box the other times. I avoided answering the first few times, and then admitted it. He started crying at the thought that there was no tooth fairy. Then another thought occurred to him, and he asked, "Do you have my other teeth, because I don't remember what they looked like?" I admitted that I did have the other teeth - and he was kind of intrigued by the thought of seeing all of his lost teeth. Then he started singing jingle bells and was happy for a few moments.

Then another thought occurred to him, and he asked, "Did Grandma tell you to do it?" I think that he was trying to figure out a way that it wasn't my fault because he trusts me more than anyone (I have been his primary caretaker for a lot of years now - the one he goes to for nurturing) and he wanted to blame it on grandma. (His grandma Susan will sometimes accidentally use his tooth brush or eat a snack he was saving - at this very moment Darien is hiding his favorite tooth brushes to make sure Susan doesn't use them.) But I didn't buy into that. I told him that it was just something that parents did for their kids. That my mom and dad did it for me. That I had believed in the tooth fairy too.

He said in a real sad voice, "I believed in the tooth fairy too."

Then as we were walking from the car to his classroom, he stopped me. He told me to take the money back - and to tell grandma never to do that again. And that he would prove there was a tooth fairy.

That afternoon when he got home from school he found the box (which I had taken the tooth out of, and put in 2 dollars) - and exclaimed, "See, I told you there was a tooth fairy." But then later on he asked for his teeth - which I did give to him.

So, now he is in kind of an in between place. He has been confronted with evidence that the tooth fairy didn't take his teeth, but he is still choosing to believe there is a tooth fairy.

The same thing has kind of happened with Santa Claus. He had spotted some presents in the top of the closet that he later realized showed up under the tree on Christmas Day. On Christmas, Susan said something about wanting to take a nap because she hadn't gotten much sleep the night before - and he says, "Oh I get it. Santa didn't bring presents, you guys did it."

Later in the day, he said something to Susan about it - and she replied something like, "Did you really believe Santa went to all the houses in the world with presents?" And he went into a defense of Santa that included the compelling evidence, "That he has elves to help him, remember!"

So, he is in between now - seeing things more logically but choosing to keep his magical thinking for now. It will be interesting to see what happens the next time he loses a tooth.

In the midst of the tooth fairy trauma, Susan said to me, "What do we tell him. If we keep lying to him he won't trust us." An interesting question that I still am not quite sure about. I think we have reached kind of a balance right now. He is still mostly choosing to believe - but he has started to wake up to the fact we - and society - have not been honest with him. It makes me wonder about a society - a civilization - that is dishonest with us when we are children, which sets us up to live life in a dysfunctional way.

When I am telling people about the dynamics of codependency, I always mention that the ego is not a bad or negative thing in and of itself - it just got programmed really badly. And the original dysfunctional programming came from fairy tales.

"I will be talking about some different aspects of both intellectual and emotional discernment in coming articles. For this article I want to make a point about how important this process is by using the example of some basic dysfunctional beliefs that are at the foundation of our relationship with life. These are the beliefs that we learned from the fairy tales we heard in early childhood.

We learned that when we meet our Prince or Princess we will live happily-ever-after. We got the message that there was a destination to reach in life where we would find a state of being that is happily-ever-after.

That is not true. It is not the way life works. You know that now. As an adult, you consciously and intellectually know that there is no happily-ever-after - if you have ever stopped to think about it.

Unfortunately however, that belief is programmed into our subconscious intellectual paradigm and as such, it determines our perspective of life, of romance, of our self - and thus dictates our emotional relationship with those aspects of our human experience.

We are set up to feel like failures in life, and in romantic relationships, because we do not get to reach happily-ever-after. We judge and shame ourselves because we haven't lived up to the fairy tale. We blame ourselves - or we blame others for this feeling of failure.

This feeling of failure is an illusion based upon a fairy tale. It is based upon beliefs about life that are not true - that have never been true. It is part of our subconscious programming and the only way to change it is to change that subconscious programming - and heal the emotional wounds that we have experienced because our dysfunctional relationships with life and romance set us up to feel like failures.

We cannot do that without looking within. We need to become willing to start shining the light of consciousness into the darkness of our subconscious in order to take power away from that which is in the dark. Looking outside to find the answers does not work. It is only by looking within that we can start healing and recovering from the false beliefs that we learned in childhood." - Intellectual Discernment - focused within

We are set up to expect life to be something it is not in childhood. To expect romance to be something it is not.

I don't really have someplace I am going with this. I just started out to tell the story about Darien and the tooth fairy. But it really is food for thought how society sets us up to live life in a dysfunctional way by being dishonest with us from the very beginning. Are we doing children a service when we tell them about the tooth fairy and Santa Claus? I don't know. Just some thoughts that are rattling around here on the first day of January 2012. I wonder if the Mayan's told their children fairy tales. From what I know Native Americans - who I believe had much more functional cultures then we do - told stories that taught values and principles, and I don't think any of them ended in happily-ever-after. I wonder where all that dishonesty came from. Oh well.

February 26th - There is so much to say about Darien but I have been having trouble figuring out how to wrap this up here. I could talk about how he has evolved in terms of his need for privacy - but that could be an invasion of his privacy.

Or I could talk about his having a crush on a girl - one area where he really needs to learn to have more balance. Early in the school year he had a crush on a girl that he knew from the gym, who ended up being in his second grade class. He would follow her around looking all moony saying I have a crush on her. I tried to explain to him that he had to be cooler than that. It was actually probably a good thing that he ended up being in a different class from her. This past week that girl was riding to and from school with us because of their car breaking down. On the way out of school one day he said to her, "I don't think I have a crush on you any more." Which was bad enough, but then he went on to say, "I am getting a crush on Mary Clare and she doesn't want me to have a crush on you." The girl then started talking about all the guys she had crushes on. Of course, he is at an age now where the girls don't like it if he has a crush on them - and don't like if he doesn't.

I could talk about how he is always coming up with facts to share with me that he has learned from one of his TV shows. Yesterday, He said, "You won't believe this, but moose eat acorns." And then went on to share that bears also eat acorns. Many of the shows he watches are pretty educational - so that is good.

The things I really need to talk about however, are related to some things that are happening in terms of his mother and what is going on with her - and a potential threat to our custody of him. I am not going to talk about that here though. I need to do some processing about it all - and keep pulling myself into the present so that I am not projecting a horror movie about the future in my mind. I will hopefully find the time soon to do some process writing about it so that I can clear up my relationship with what is happening - but it is not time yet to share it here. So, I will just reiterate that Darien is such a blessing and gift in our life. He is an amazing little man - and I Love him dearly. I am so grateful for his presence in my life. ~ Robert 2-26-12

The day after I posted this Darien came up with one of his beautiful pronouncements which I posted on Facebook and had to add here also:

Quote of the day from Darien (as we are driving home from school and he is counting the money in his piggy bank), "Some people might think that the best thing in the world is to have a lot of money. But it’s not. The best thing in the world is love."
Monday Feb 27th at 2:51pm

Joy2MeU Update Newsletter February 2012

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