Joy to You & Me
and Joy2MeU Update
|To all the Magnificent
Spiritual Beings on my e-mailing list,
Happy September. I hope you all had interesting summer
adventures. I sure did. One of those good news / bad news things
- opportunities for growth and an abundance of feelings. I will touch
on that in the Newsletter section below - but first things first.
I decided this morning (Sept. 2, 2003) that I needed to focus
on getting this Update out right now because of the challenge that is facing
me in regard to keeping Codependence: The Dance of Wounded
Souls in print. As I shared in my June Update:
". . . . . I will run out of books by late August
or September - so by the time of my next Update in September the situation
will either be resolved or have reached a critical stage." - June Update
As it turns out, sales through Amazon.com have been down the last few months
(another good news / bad news situation) so that the number of books I have
left will probably last into October now. I will need to go to press
on the next printing of The Dance before the
end of September in order to not run out of books. I do not as yet know
where the money to do that will come from however.
One of the pages I added to the site since the last Update
is a Donations
/ Love Offerings page in which I am broadcasting a request to
the Universe for help in keeping my book in print . I discuss the history
of the book and this web site - and my understanding of the metaphysical
laws of energy exchange that are involved in asking for, and being willing,
to give and receive help.
One of the things that I realized after
my June Update is that I had made a mistake on my Help page when I wrote about
the cost of the next printing of the book - something I corrected at the
time I posted the Donations page. Here is the relevant quote that was
in the June Update along with the correction I added.
"The way that impacts me, is that this summer to print
1000 copies of the book will cost me about the same amount that it cost to
print 1500 last summer - just under $3000. However the more books printed,
the more drastically the cost per book goes down. It would be possible
to print 5000 copies for just under $4500. Pretty drastic difference
- so hopefully the Universe will provide that abundance in time to keep the
book in print. (In looking at the quote again,
I realized I had transposed a couple of the numbers in my mind when I read
it. I could actually do 2000 copies for what I paid for 1500 last summer
- a little under $3000. 1000 copies would cost about $2300. - Robert
8-5-03.) ~ Help page
I believe that anyone who resonates with my work will find the history
of my book and this web site that I share on that Love Offerings page quite
interesting - rather you have the means to donate to the cause or not.
As I share on that page, I believe that I have been successful in my mission
even if I am unable to keep the book in print and that leads the eventual
demise of this web site. More will be revealed as usual.
The June Update expanded to include two long Newsletter pages
focused on discernment. One of them in relationship to being alone and lonely - and the second to Love and Romance.
Those two pages were the only completely new writing that I added to this
site since that Update - except for the Donations page and two pages added
to the Joy2MeU Journal that tell
the story of the miracles that made it possible for me to publish Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls in 1995.
I did add 5 new pages with articles that were originally published
on my Suite 101 page in early 2002 (listed in right hand column) - and I did
a redesign of my page Jesus & Mary Magdalene - Jesus, sexuality,
& the Bible. It was interesting for me to reread that page for
the first time in several years - and to see how perfectly it fits in
with some of the recent Chapters I wrote for my online book. I added
some comments to that page, as well as links to some of the more recent work.
I have not gotten back to my nearly finished, current online book Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light Book
2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life - as I predicted I would not
in my June Update. I am not sure when I will - that is again in the
realm of to be revealed.
I published a couple of interesting new
articles to my suite 101 page - including ones on monogamy and homosexuality
- and added new links, testimonials, and resources as shown in the right hand
column. The testimonials are so touching to me - it is such a gift
to be able to touch people's lives through this wonderful gift of the internet
(even with the bad news parts of it, like all the email generated by the
virus the last few weeks) - and through my work with people on the telephone.
The latest e-mail I got from a phone counseling client - added as feedback
on the phone counseling testimonial
page - brought tears to my eyes and immense gratitude to my heart at
being able to be an instrument for helping others open up to Love.
In writing this Update, I was again reminded of what an incredible
journey my life has been in recovery - and how grateful I am for the adventure.
As say on the Donations / Love Offerings page:
"The last 15 years have been
an awesome, terribly solitary, gloriously amazing adventure for me.
An incredibly painful, transcendently Joyous, intermittently terrifying, unbelievably
fulfilling journey." - Donations / Love Offerings
If I run out of books it will not necessarily mean that I will have to
shut down this web site in the immediate future - but it is hard to envision
how I will make ends meet if I don't have books to sell. The sale of
books pays my rent and most of my basic bills each month - and though I could
probably set the book up with one of the print on demand options, that wouldn't
help pay my rent. The print on demand publishers only pay the author
about $1 a book - that would mean, for one thing, I would not be able to
sell the book through Amazon.com any more because they take 55% of the selling
I also do not want to start charging people for access to my
web site. I have so much information available to anyone who wants to
read it as part of being of service, of being an instrument and tool of what
I believe is Truth. Spreading the message is part of my mission - is
something I am doing in service to my recovery path. I also don't think
it would work. A very large percent of the people who have benefited
from my writing on the site have never even bought the book - I think it
is hardly likely they would pay to read the site. Possibly I could
charge for certain portions of the site - but I really do not want to charge
anything. I want to keep the information out there for whomever can
It is interesting to me that in the quote from my June Update
that I use at the beginning of this page, I used the word "critical" stage
rather than crisis to describe the point that I am at right now in relationship
to printing more books. And it is perfect, because I don't feel in
crisis. I used to wake up feeling like I was in crisis. I used
to think that intensity - feeling in tension and stress, in crisis - was
a sign of being alive.
In writing this - as you will see in the Newsletter portion
- my Update of last November loomed large in my mind for several reasons.
One of them is because in it I describe how much less stress I have in my
"One of the greatest stress reducers in my recovery
was the insight that it wasn't doing me any good to worry about decisions
that it was not yet time to make - that worry was in fact a symptom that I
was in my disease trying to figure out how to control life because of my fear,
and it created more fear." - Joy2MeU Update November 2002
More will be revealed about any decisions I have to make in the future,
right now I am going to share a bit about what has been, and is happening,
in my journey. Prior to the Newsletter portion however, I decided -
because it came to mind as I wrote below about how this web site has propelled
my writing - to share a short short story that is the first piece I wrote
Additions to the web site since the June Update include:
Two Newsletters added as part of June Update:
Newsletter 2 Discernment
in relationship to being alone and lonely
3 Discernment 2 in relationship to Love and Romance
I added a new Donations / Love Offerings page
as part of asking the Universe for support in keeping my book in print.
5 new pages with articles originally published on my Suite
To Parents of Alcoholics
Rescuing vs Tough Love
of Unavailable People
/ Obsessive Thinking Part 1
Obsessive Thinking Part 2
I redesigned and added comments to my page Jesus
& Mary Magdalene - Jesus, sexuality, & the Bible
Two new pages added to
More feedback and testimonials added
to Phone Counseling Testimonials page.
A new link added on the Finding CoDA meetings page - to a web site that lists all the CoDA meetings in New
A new batch of wonderful Testimonials for the book, tapes, and web site.
Some feedback about new Journal pages
on Journal Testimonial
A new resource has been added to the
Referral to local Therapist / Counselors
page in San Jose California.
The site was presented with two new
A new selection of diversified and interesting
Most Recent articles published on my Suite101 page also listed on my page Suite101 Articles page:
Healthy Joyous Sexuality
Homosexuality - and the Bible
Links to past Update Newsletters for the
Joy2MeU site (launched February 4, 1999) can be found on the Information index page. Links to the Newsletters
of my original Joy to You & Me web site (launched February 28, 1998) can
be found on the Joy to You & Me page which list
pages from that site not moved to Joy2MeU.
In 1988 in my fifth year clean and sober, and about a year and a
half into my conscious codependency recovery, I reached a point where I could
not keep my grief suppressed any more. I was working as a Primary
Therapist at a Outpatient Chemical Dependency Treatment Center in Van Nuys
California when I had an emotional breakthrough - what society calls a breakdown.
The Universe gave me the incredible gift of being able to go through a 30
day treatment program for codependence at a place called Sierra Tucson in
Arizona. It was there that I learned how to release the grief and rage
that I had been trying to repress my whole life. In April 1988, the
day before I left Sierra Tucson, one of the counselors I was saying good-bye
to said to me, "You know, what you really are is a mystic." I wasn't
even sure what the word meant. That was the prelude to the incredible
15 year adventure I refer to above - the "awesome, terribly
solitary, gloriously amazing adventure for me. An incredibly painful,
transcendently Joyous, intermittently terrifying, unbelievably fulfilling
In the Joy2MeU Journal, I tell the story of my recovery and Spiritual
path in a series of articles entitled The Path of
one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance of one wounded soul.
In the fall of 1999 I published the first installment of a 5 part web article
about my experience of breaking through and going to treatment - and published
the short story below in conjunction with part one of that story, which I
call 30 Days in the Desert - Falling
Apart and Breaking Through. This is taken from that short story
page in my Journal.
The Path of one Recovering
Codependent ~ the dance of one wounded soul
"Working in the treatment center put
my issues in my face every day. The program included both an adult
section and an adolescent unit. It was the adolescents that tore me
up. Kids from horribly abusive homes that would lie to the social workers
to keep from being taken out of their homes because their fear of the unknown
was greater than their fear of the known. And I couldn't in good conscious
tell them that going into a foster home would be better for them because the
system was so screwed up and dysfunctional." - 30 Days in the Desert - Falling Apart and Breaking
Through Part I
Writing the last installment of The Recovery
of one Codependent - the dance of one wounded soul took me back to the
days when I was working in a Chemical Dependence Treatment Unit in Pasadena,
California. As I mentioned in the quote from that article above, working
with the kids was very hard. It still is not easy. I am working
with a 16 year old right now that is out of control behaviorally - drinking,
drugging, having indiscriminate sexual experiences. She is a magnificent
being, very intelligent and obviously an old soul with great wisdom - but
she is trapped in a dynamic with her parent that keeps her acting out.
And the parent will not grow up and be a responsible adult - so it is very
hard. It is much harder to let go of kids than it is to let go of adults.
Back in those days in the Treatment Center
(1986 and 87) there were many kids that it broke my heart to watch.
One was this amazing girl, about 15 when I knew her, who had actually tape
recorded her mother beating her when she was 12 and turned her into the
cops - incredible. Yet, she was still fighting to be allowed to go
back home to that same mother when it came time to get out of treatment.
Another was a kid named Johnny. I do
not have any idea what happened to Johnny. I expected that he would
be dead before he was 21 - if he was not it was probably because he was in
prison. Johnny was in such incredible pain.
I wrote a short story about an experience
I had with Johnny back in late 1986, or early 87. In writing my last
article, I was reminded of that short story - so I dug it out. It seems
appropriate to add it to the Journal here, in conjunction with the story of
my falling apart and breaking through, because those kids were certainly a
part of my process of getting in touch with my pain. I wrote this story
while processing my feelings about what Johnny said to me that day.
It is not very good as a short story, but I think it conveys some emotional
notes that are meaningful. I cry today, as I read it and remember
that skinny kid.
The Boy Who Killed Cats - a short story
By Robert Burney
He was sixteen. He sat with
his hands trapped between his knees as if he couldn't trust them to be free
of restraint. He sat slumped forward with his eyes on the floor, only
chancing an occasional furtive glance when trying to gauge my reaction, or
when he was surprised at something I said.
May the Goddess bless
Johnny, wherever he is - and all the girls and boys who are hurting so bad
they just want to die, including the ones inside adults.
"I love you Johnny."
His eyes stabbed upward toward my face and
then back down immediately to the floor. There was anger in those eyes.
And palpable pain. And confusion.
"Do you believe that I love you Johnny?"
His head slumped forward farther and his
thin body began to move, twisting and jerking as if a series of explosions
were going off in rapid succession somewhere deep inside him.
"What are you feeling Johnny?"
"Nothing!" It was almost a scream or
rather the very beginning of a scream that was choked off immediately.
His hands popped out from between his legs
as if some huge force of suction had been released. He started bringing
his hands down on his knees, slowly at first and then rapidly accelerating
until his whole body was rocking forward in the violence of the action.
The cast on his right hand made a dull thud as it struck his knee.
I had been sitting on the other bed in his
room no more than five feet from him when he started hitting himself.
It took me only seconds to get to him, yet he had probably hit himself a
dozen times by the time I got a hold of him.
Cradling his shoulders with my left arm and
holding his cast in my right hand, I immobilized him in a way that he wouldn't
feel pinned down or trapped.
"I'm such an asshole." The first time
he said it there was vehement hatred in his voice. The second time his
voice dripped with tears. "I'm such an asshole."
"Sometimes you act like one, but that doesn't
mean you are one," I said, rubbing his shoulders with my left hand.
"And you know what - I love you even when you act like an asshole."
He threw himself down on his pillow and his
whole body shuddered as the tears came flooding forth. The sobs that
wracked his body were coming from deep, deep inside of him.
I sat quietly on his bedside, watching him
cry. His broken hand lay at an awkward angle to his head because of
the clumsiness of the cast.
He had broken his hand earlier in the day
by slamming it into a brick wall in rage. Underneath that rage was incredible
pain. He had been on the adolescent chemical dependency unit of our
hospital for 45 days. During that time he had no drugs or alcohol to
mask his pain. During that time he had received love and support from
the staff and from the other patients. The love and support confused
and angered Johnny. He had never received any at home, and he didn't
think he deserved it. Being clean and sober allowed the feelings he
had been suppressing to start to come up. There was only one other
outlet Johnny knew for his feelings - violence.
His words were muffled in the pillow so I
laid my hand on his back and asked him what he said.
He raised himself slightly, propping his
head on his cast. "Why won't you just hit me?"
"We don't hit people, Johnny. I've
told you that." I was having trouble talking because of the knot in
my throat. "It's wrong for grown-ups to hit kids - I've told you that.
It's always wrong."
"My dad only hits me because I deserve it."
He was wallowing in his self-hatred now. He swung between incredible
self-hatred and defying everyone. He had become addicted to being
beaten regularly by his father. He was trapped in a cycle of violence
- as his feelings built up he acted out and pushed limits until he got the
release of the punishment he felt he deserved. Since we wouldn't punish
him he finally became so frustrated he punished himself by breaking his hand.
"You told me that he beats you with his fists."
"Only because I deserve it." He looked
so thin and fragile laying there on his bed.
"If you deserve it, why have you thought
about killing him?"
"I only thought about that sometimes, when
I was smoking Kools."
Kools were cigarettes dipped in PCP.
Animal tranquilizer. A boy treated like an animal needed all the tranquilizing
he could get.
"You lied to the social worker about the
"I had to, or they wouldn't let me go home."
His voice was pitifully small as he spoke. A little boy terrified
of going home, but even more terrified of not going home.
"What will happen when the feelings get all
built up again?"
"I won't use drugs, that's for sure."
He laid his head back down on the pillow. "I'd like to be alone for
awhile now, please."
I rubbed his back for another minute and
then walked to the door. After turning out the light I stood looking
at him for a moment. Johnny was going home in ten days. Home to
a father who beat his son because his father beat him and he knew of no other
way. Home to a mother who was too terrified to protect him.
He was going back to the neighborhood that
would see him doing drugs again within a couple of weeks. He would use
drugs again because the pain was too great. The beatings wouldn't stop
it. His torture and killing of animals wouldn't stop it. He
would probably kill or be killed before he was much older. And there
was nothing I could do except tell him as I closed the door, "I love you Johnny."
A Summer of Adventure - and some seed scattering
I did not had very much writing time this summer because my serene (and
near hermit like) solitude in normal times was interrupted by other distractions.
My son was here for a month in early summer - and we went on a trip together
to visit his Grandpa and Grandma later in the summer. He is 13 - a
very challenging age. He says that television, video games and food
are his higher powers - even going so far as to bow down before the TV on
occasion (he has a great sense of humor, thank God.) If I try to talk
to him about emotions or spirituality, he puts his hands over his ears and
makes loud noises. Sigh. He is a great kid with a wonderful laugh,
and he is also very wounded. Spending time with him is definitely emotionally
challenging and marks a great change from my normal routine.
I also took some time out to experience some life and Love - as I
alluded to in the first extra Newsletter page of my June Update and mentioned
in the second.
"In my personal process, my terror of intimacy was so huge
that it has taken years of pealing away layers to discover pockets of black
and white thinking that were blocking me from being available to explore
a romantic relationship. One of the gifts to me of this web site -
and especially the processing I have done in my Joy2MeU Journal - is that
it has brought me to the point where recently I have been getting to play
with the magical energy of "in love" while learning about giving and receiving
Love in relating to a woman in recovery. The processing that I did in
those May 2001 Newsletter pages peeled off a huge layer - as did subsequent
processing first in July of 2002 and then in October and November of last
year. More will be revealed about whether this relationship opportunity
will continue and/or where it will take me, but it has led to breakthrough
after breakthrough in my process of learning to open up to Love. It
has been / is a magnificent gift in my life." - Joy2MeU June 2003 Update
Newsletter 3 Discernment 2 - Love and Romance
The processing I refer to, that I did in my online journal in the Joy2MeU
Journal last November, opened me up to being available for a romantic relationship
this year. It was an opportunity that came out of left field, and
involved someone who lives a long distance away from me. I have resisted
getting involved in long distance relationships for years, because geographically
unavailable is unavailable. But the Universe works in mysterious ways
at times, and by staying in the moment and being present for the unfolding
adventure a relationship developed.
It has been a wonderful experience that has helped me work through
many blocks in my defenses against intimacy and Love. It was wonderful
to be able to experience a romance after 4 years of not even coming close
to one. I was able to be in the moment, and be Loving in the moment,
while letting go of fear and projection to an amazing extent. The
Loving and being Loved was wonderful - and the laughter together was delicious.
That is the very good news. The bad news is that codependent reactions
intruded and a couple of weeks ago I got to experience the feeling of having
my heart broken one more time.
The relationship is not necessarily over - but there are some large
stumbling blocks. My recovery voice tells me that right now it is
best for me to let go of the outcome and accept that it could continue as
a friendship only - because letting go of the outcome helps me to stay out
of trying to force my will on the future.
"They say that God made the world round so we can't see
too far over the horizon. The details about how those events over the
horizon are going to work out are not my business today. If I am putting
all my energy into figuring out how I am going to cross the mountain way off
in the distance, then I am liable to step into a hole that is directly in
front of me on my path today. . . . . . . I need to keep an eye on the horizon
so that I can make any adjustments to my heading that I need to make - but
most of my attention and energy needs to be focused on what is in front of
me to do and experience in my life today. I want to be present for my
life today and be able to enjoy the scenery that is part of the texture of
my journey today. In my codependency, my fear and shame driven relationship
with life caused me to be incapable of being present in the moment because
I was focused on the future or the past. One of the gifts of my recovery
is the ability to be here today, to be available for moments of happiness
and Joy no matter how many frightening unknowns are looming on the horizon
- no matter how impossible it looks to me for me to ever get there."
- Joy2MeU Update November 2002
If we are focused on what we want a relationship to become, then we end
up trying to control and manipulate the situation - and the other person
- to fit our picture of what we want. In doing that we can miss out
on enjoying what it is now.
This relationship experience was made possible because I was able
get past my fear of intimacy by staying in - and pulling myself back into
- the moment, the great majority of the time. That is what I need to
keep doing - that is what will work best. My disease wants me to focus
on negative fantasy outcomes and be afraid. Investing time and energy
in fear will cause me to be miserable and sabotage the relationship through
controlling and/or reacting from a victim place. The magical thinking
romantic within me wants me to focus on positive fantasy outcomes where we
ride off into the sunset together. Happily ever after is not how reality
works - and indulging myself by investing too much energy in that fantasy
(though it is fun) will keep me from seeing the situation clearly and taking
care of myself so I don't set myself up to feel like a victim. Staying
in the moment, being Loving in the moment, enjoying the moment when that is
possible, being emotionally honest in the moment when that is necessary, processing
through any grief from the past that is being triggered - these are the things
that are going to help me stay clear and keep fear from defining the experience.
A wonderful opportunity for growth. We shall see how the future unfolds.
What I do know is that, it is better
to Love and lose than not to be available for Love. And though that
aching pain that can only be described as a broken heart is not at all a
fun experience - it is the risk one takes when opening to Love. It is
a risk well worth taking. As I shared in An Adventure in Romance
- Loving and Losing Successfully, the article about my last romantic
experience (which was over 4 1/2 years ago now), being able to experience
an intimate romantic relationship dance without my self worth being at risk
is a wonderful freedom - a great benefit of being willing to do the inner
child healing work.
I believe that in my Update for last November, I planted some seeds
that were causal in manifesting this romantic relationship experience in
my life. The processing in my journal helped me to be open to experiencing
a relationship in a very different way that I have in the past, and the
seeds I planted in that Update helped manifest it.
The November 1998 Newsletter Joy to
You & Me Newsletter IV from my original silcom.com web site
that I talk about in my November 2002 Update, is one where I originally threw
out a challenge to the Universe. Basically, what I did in the 1998 Newsletter,
was send a message out to the Universe that I was willing to do whatever
it takes, willing to go through any experience I needed to, in order to learn
how to live life in alignment with Love instead of in reaction to fear.
Immediately - the next day - after that Update was broadcast to the Universe
through the internet, my Adventure in Romance where I Loved and lost successfully
Last November I repeated my commitment and my challenge to the Universe.
(I used some of the same wording I had used the first time - and hope that
no one is so offended by this wording that they will let their codependency
cause them to throw the baby out with the bathwater.)
"I wrote the above on November 21st 1998. The next
day at that church service, I started the relationship with the woman who
gave me the opportunity to see that my worst fears in a relationship could
come true and I could be okay with it. The reason I was okay with it,
is because it is the first time I did a romantic relationship without my
self worth being enmeshed with my emotional reactions - the very thing I
talk about in Emotional Anorexia.
And it was indeed interesting to see what happened. The sharing I
did in that November Update last year about letting go of stress was not
in relationship to printing more books - or to a romantic relationships.
It had to do with another transition that I thought was looming in my future
at the time.
I am writing this on November 19th 2002. And I am going to
now repeat the affirmation that I wrote almost 4 years ago to the day.
What I am seeing clearly - and feeling in my gut - as I write this, is that
my son coming to live with me is going to be an opportunity to learn about
Love in ways that would probably not be possible in any other way.
So, I once again reaffirm my commitment to being an ally with
the Spirit where Love lives instead of with the disease where fear rules.
I Joyously, with tears running down my cheeks and sobs of Joy bubbling up
my throat, proclaim and declare to you; to the Universe; to my
Higher Power; to The God-Force, Goddess Energy, Great Spirit, Holy Mother
Source Energy; to all that is blessed and holy; Fuck the fear I
say - full speed ahead in the direction of Love.
I trumpet and broadcast proudly out into the Universe: my
commitment to my recovery journey; to my Karmic mission; to speaking
my Truth; and say: "Bring it on Bubba baby!" Because it is so
worth it! Every second of suffering and pain, terror and loneliness,
is worth being able to access the Truth of Unconditional Love. Amen.
So be it. So it is. Blessed be.
Should be interesting to see what happens now, don't you think.
;-) - Joy2MeU Update November
"I haven't reached a point in my journey from which it is
possible to see the details of how this transition is going to unfold.
My part as a co-creator in this life experience means that I am responsible
for planting seeds and gathering information and doing the footwork to prepare
myself for those events on and over the horizon - but the details will not
become clear until I have reached the point in my journey when I need to see
them clearly. . . . . . .
At that time, I thought that my son was going to be coming to live with
me full time in the foreseeable future. That hasn't happened - and
most likely will not for several reasons. One of the primary ones for
me, is that his mother wanted him to come to live with me temporarily - and
was not willing to give me any legal custody rights while he was with me.
This was unacceptable to me, and kind of baffling also. Perhaps at some
point in the future she will change her mind.
. . . . . I am not writing the script, am not in control of this
human experience, so I need to do what I am led to do when I am led to do
it - with faith that a Loving plan is unfolding. Worry is negative fantasy.
Fear of the future does not serve me on my path today - takes away my ability
to be here now. The fear will come up certainly - just as it
did when I wrote the paragraph above - but that is normal and human.
I can use my recovery tools to let go of that fear of the unknown - and have
boundaries with the critical parent voice in my head which wants me to project
a fantasy of impending doom, a horror movie in my mind, that will cause
me to create artificial fear in my life today. As I talked about in
my August 2002 Update,
I learned that 90% of the stress in my life before codependency recovery was
my responsibility, something I had some control over - and I do not have to
create that kind of stress in my life any more, thanks to recovery and my
faith in the Great Spirit." - Joy2MeU Update November 2002
I specifically focused on accepting the challenging opportunity to
learn about Love that my son living with me would bring - but I was also thinking
in terms of a romantic relationship. What happened was that I got to
experience a romantic adventure.
If the relationship adventure that is in my life now continues as
one of the ways I am getting to learn about Love - that will be great.
If it doesn't, then I hope I do not have to wait 4 years for my next opportunity.
If my book goes out of print and I have to let go of this web site - it
will be very painful and sad to me, but I am willing to accept my path as
it unfolds with faith in a Loving Higher Power. Whatever it takes, however
it unfolds - I Know a Loving Divine Plan is unfolding. So I will paraphrase
again what I said in those two November Updates:
Screw the fear, bring on the Love. I once again reaffirm
my commitment to being an ally with the Spirit where Love lives instead
of with the disease where fear rules. Whatever is in store for me on
my path that will help me learn about - and reconnect with - Love, I welcome.
Bring it on Universe!
So, this Update - and my Donations page - is my way of planting some
seeds. More will be revealed about what grows.
As usual, my personal process and my writing run on parallel tracks.
It was considering what my life would be like without this web site, that
caused me to review how writing for this site has wonderfully served my
own growth - which led me back to the Update from last November.
"It is also a reminder for me of how absolutely perfectly
this writing and my healing process have unfolded in relationship to this
web site over the past 4 years. The Recovery Process for inner child
healing - finding emotional balance series of articles followed the
True Nature of Love series. The True Nature of Love
series is something I started writing in 1999 - shortly after I started
my Joy2MeU Journal, and the personal journal I share in it.
I started writing both of those bodies of work while I was homeless - shortly
after the end of My Adventure in Romance - Loving and losing successfully.
In that Update I not only talked about what a perfect part of my recovery
and Spiritual growth process writing for this web site has been - but also
the awe I feel about how much I have written since 1998. I never liked
to write. Prior to having a web site, I wrote with great reluctance
and resistance. The 15 years referred to in the quote above marks
the time since I feel my mission was revealed to me in August of 1988.
I was doing some writing after that time - and did write The Dance in the early 90s - but that was writing
out of compulsion. And in fact, The Dance
was basically written in 2 days - as the quote above from my August 2001 Update
The Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility series
led directly into the processing that I did about my fear of intimacy issues
in the Newsletters of the May 2001 Update. That processing
led to a major breakthrough in my personal recovery process.
"One of the things that I am realizing in the processing
that was set off by this latest breakthrough in my process, is that I seem
to just now be reaching - on a personal level - the level of consciousness
that my book was written out of. It has been over 10 years now, since
I wrote the core of what was to become Codependence: The Dance of Wounded
Souls - over a period of 48 frenzied hours of writing, to be able to give
a talk that I had scheduled months before." - Joy to You & Me and Joy2MeU Update - August -2001
That breakthrough in consciousness on a personal level prepared me to take
the risk of sharing my Truth and my beliefs with the world in a way that
I had never envisioned putting my Truth out to the general public.
When the events of September 11, 2001 occurred, I almost immediately started
writing and publishing Attack on America - A Spiritual Healing Perspective
& Call for Higher Consciousness. My decision in January of
2002 (Update January 2002 & 2 Newsletters) to move the bulk of that online
book to the Joy2MeU Journal is what provided the spark for writing The codependency movement is NOT ruining marriages!
Are you seeing the pattern here? And the thoughts (messages
from my intuition) that caused me to write this PS, also caused me to look
for something I remember writing about how learning to let go of the future
has allowed me the freedom to be happy today no matter what my circumstances
- even if I never had any money or another relationship or whatever.
I never did find the quote I was looking for - although I found something
close to it on my Future Publications page. In looking however, I
came across this page from my Newsletter of November 1998 for my Joy to You
& Me silcom site - something that I had written several months before
Joy2MeU.com was born. It was finding this quote and realizing the message
the Universe was sending me today while I am writing this Update, that caused
the explosion of Joy and Gratitude within me." - Joy2MeU Update November
"In the spring of 1991, Robert Burney
was asked to speak in several different venues on the subject of Codependence.
In the course of those speaking engagements he heard himself making statements
to a general audience that he had never considered saying in public because
of their controversial nature. . . . . Although he experienced a great deal
of fear about making such controversial statements in public, he was compelled
to further explore this message that he felt coming through him. He arranged
dates in June of 1991 to give a talk in Cambria and Morro Bay, California.
He then found he was unable to write the talk. The message that he was formulating
was multileveled and nonlinear so that he found it impossible to organize
his thoughts into a coherent presentation. His anxiety mounted as the date
for his talk approached until in a burst of inspiration born out of desperation
he wrote almost continuously for the last 48 hours prior to the talk. The
presentation was scrawled on yellow legal pages that first time he presented
the talk. . . . . . That talk formed the basis for the book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls. The message evolved and expanded over the years as he refined
the techniques he was developing to facilitate Codependence recovery, but
the basic structure of the book was essentially born in those two days of
desperation. - Biographical information
In the years prior to 1988 I thought about writing, but could never actually
get myself to do much of it. (This is a trait for many of us codependents
- we are much better at thinking about taking action, than actually taking
action.) The one thing I had written prior to that time (except for
writing for my personal processing) - and after getting into recovery -
is the short story above. After my book was published in late 1995,
I started writing a monthly column for a local New Age/Healing type of free
newspaper. In the first original article for that paper Relationships and Valentine's Day
- published in February 1996 - I mention in the first paragraph my resistance
to writing. At that point, I felt it was a real challenge to write a
single thousand word article a month.
Writing for this web site has changed that completely. It has
helped me to learn self discipline - and to utilize and develop a Goddess
given gift for communication. In the Update for last November I mention
in the first part that I had not added a great deal of content to the site
since that last Update. Later on, I catch that subtle judgment that
my critical parent voice had slipped in on me.
"(As I am writing this, I was realizing that 4 chapters
of the online book, plus the 5 pages in my journal - given that my average
web article pages are in the range of 7,000 to 8,000 words - means that
I only added about 60,000 or 70,000 words of new writing to the site since
the beginning of August. Only!?! Those old tapes about not being
productive enough sure don't have as much power as they used to - but they
are still there running subtly in the background.)" - Joy2MeU Update
I now have some pretty unreasonable expectations of how much new content
I "should" be adding to the site regularly. Hopefully the site will
continue on into the future to spur on my writing and my growth - and help
me bring those expectations into more balance.
At this point, I don't have any idea what the future holds.
My experience in recovery is that my Higher Power usually waits until what
feels to me as the last second to reveal things to me.
I happen to believe - and I have shared my
belief and my feelings with my Higher Power on many occasions - that my Higher
Power works very slowly. I am not at all crazy about my Higher Power's
sense of timing. - Codependence:
The Dance of Wounded Souls
In the years since my book was published I have gained great faith
in my path - and a level of acceptance that allows me to let go of complaining
to my Higher Power about the Cosmic timing of things. (I share someplace
in my writing about a really good analogy one of my phone clients came up
with. That was, that the annoying habit children have of saying
"Are we there yet?" every few minutes on a long road trip, must be how it
feels to our Higher Power when we are continuously nagging for information
about the future.:-)
Last year, the money to publish more books came at a perfect time.
"The primary news about Joy2MeU and Joy to You & Me
is that - with the help of a couple of angels out there in cyberspace who
believe in my work - I was able to pay for a second printing of 1500 copies
of my book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls.
Very cool. When the first cases of the second printing arrived I had
4 copies of the first printing left and an order waiting to be filled from
Amazon.com. Perfect timing in the Cosmic scheme of things." -
Joy2MeU Update November 2002
Whatever happens, I Know it will be a perfect part of my path - just as
finding my web site was a perfect part of your path. Hopefully there
are some angels among you that will feel moved by your Spirit to make a donation
to the cause. What is going to happen as the rest of this year unfolds,
will be revealed as it is revealed. I can now look back and clearly
see and understand what a gift it was that my book wasn't a best seller shortly
after publication - as I share on my Donations / Love Offerings page.
"My situation financially forced me
to keep asking for help, to keep working my program, to keep writing for this
web site. My book is not a best seller yet because it was not part
of the Divine Plan. It was a gift to me to be forced to keep writing
for this web site. A Divine gift to my self/Self because of the enormous
growth it has sparked in my personal recovery process, and a gift to the
thousands - probably tens of thousands - of people around the world whose
lives have been changed by reading my book or my words on the internet.
So, if it turns out that it goes out of print, I have faith that it will
also be perfect somehow. I hope that does not happen, but I can accept
it if it does. More will be revealed as usual.;-)
I am very blessed and enormously grateful for my recovery - and
for the internet. This website has been an incredible tool and catalyst
for my recovery and Spiritual growth. I really don't want to let go
of this web site, of being able to have the information out there for anyone
who can benefit from it. But I have learned in my recovery that I need
to be willing to let go of anything and everything." - Donations / Love Offerings
of Love to Me and You all 2,
Journal is available by subscription only. Anyone making
a donation to the cause of $50 or more will receive a subscription to the
/ Love Offerings )