"As I mentioned here in what I wrote on the 5th, I am needing to focus some attention on my relationship with myself as a man, with my relationship with my own masculine energy. That does not preclude the need for me to do some processing about my fear of intimacy issues and how they have been affecting me in recent months however. So, I have created a separate page, an addendum to this Update, which I am going to use as a vehicle for doing the processing I need to do - which of course will also fit in perfectly with what I will be processing about on the remainder of this page.4:19 AM on March 27th, 2007. I am hoping to get through this page in the next couple of days. Things have been getting clearer to me as I have been reviewing my journey - pulling this page together, observing my thoughts and feelings over the last few weeks, getting messages from the Universe. As I said in the above quote from my Update, a lot of the processing I am doing on this page is about reviewing and remembering so that I can get clarity and insight into what has been happening recently in my life and relationship. I will be sharing excerpts and quotes from previous processing - and interspersing comments and insight that I am having now between those indented excerpts. As I also stated earlier in the Update, this is me processing about my recovery and sharing it with you. Hopefully some of you find it helpful.
In both cases, a lot of the processing I need to do will involve me rereading and remembering levels I have processed through previously - revisiting layers that I have worked through - to gain new perspectives on the insights." - Joy2MeU March 2007 Update Newsletter
"It is now 3:07 AM on the morning of the 13th of March 2007. It was on the morning of the 4th that I looked up at my calendar and got the message from the Universe that I needed to look at a new level of healing my masculine - healing my relationship with my self as a man - in the context of the processing I already knew that I needed to do about my fear of intimacy issues and how they were affecting my life and relationship now. I will be doing that on the page (could even be more than one page) that will follow this one." - Joy2MeU March 2007 Update NewsletterAs I mention at the end of the Update, this could turn into more than one page. It will certainly be a long page - but I also think I will be doing another regular page for the web site based on something that is connected with my processing and is currently a hot topic for people who are seeking answers. - RB 3/27/07
For those of you who have already read this page, here is a link to the next page of processing which will be reachable only from this page. (even if you read it before, there will be things in it you will see now, or understand more clealy, than you did the first time.) I have finally gotten the time to finish this round of processing in mid June and am posting it on June , 2007. My Fear of Intimacy - 4/9/08 I have not finished that page yet - am not sure when, or if, I will. ~ RB
The realization that I needed to look at my fear of intimacy issues once more, came up as I was writing the page on which I was asking for help to keep my book in print. The following is an excerpt from the Help page I posted on January 11th. In the first section of that page I mentioned that in my November Update I had stated that I might have to ask for help in keeping the book in print again - and that I had been procrastinating about taking the action of doing that because of my codependency was causing me to feel like a loser for needing to ask.
(Comments that I am adding in late March as I finalize this page - or in some cases, comments that were added to the excerpts after their publication - will be in this color text.)
"I realized that I was not taking an action to try to create more abundance energy flowing into my life because my disease was causing me to judge and shame myself for needing help again. "Loser" is a definite critical parent voice message - definitely coming from the disease, not from any healthy part of me. And I knew when I recognized that "loser" feeling, that judging and shaming myself for needing financial help was covering up something deeper - that it was a symptom.Below is the process writing I did on the 10th of January - that I refer to transferring to my Newsletter.
As I am writing this today, I see the quote from my October 2000 Update within the quote above (an earlier quote on the Help page - that October 2000 Update, a vital piece in my journey with my fear of intimacy issues, will be referenced below in several places) - and marvel once more at the perfection of how my process unfolds to allow me to uncover and discover so that I can recover. In that Update, I talk about how my issues with money are directly related to, and driven by, my fear of intimacy issues. In one of the first articles I had published in 1995, I wrote about how intimately my fear of intimacy issues are related to my issues with money - and how at the core of my wounding is a little boy who feels defective and unlovable. (And once again rereading this article, I get to shed some tears for that little boy that feels like a such a loser and failure.)"I have been going through a transformation one more time in my recovery. Each time that I need to grow some more - need to surrender some more of who I thought I was in order to become who I am - I get to peel another layer of the onion. Each time this happens I get to reach a deeper level of honesty and see things clearer than I ever have before. Each time, I also get to release some of the emotional energy through crying and raging.And that is what I am seeing right now - that my terror of intimacy has risen it's ugly head and has been doing a number on me. I have been allowing myself to focus upon the "stress" of the financial situation as an excuse to be distracted and not present in my relationship with Susan. And I have been using my precious step grandson / God son Darien as part of my camouflage for doing that.
Through clearer eyes, and with deeper emotional honesty, I get to look at all of my major issues again to heal them some more. I used to think that I could deal with an issue and be done with it - but now I know that is not the way the healing process works. So recently I have gotten the opportunity to revisit my issues of abandonment and betrayal, of deprivation and discounting. My issues with my mother and father, with my gender and sexuality, with money and success. My issues with the God I was taught about and the God-Force that I choose to believe in. My patterns of self-abusive behavior that are driven by my emotional wounds - and the attempts that I make to forgive myself for behavior that I have been powerless over. And they all lead me back to the core issue. I am not worthy. I am not good enough. Something is wrong with me.
At the core of my relationship is the little boy who feels unworthy and unlovable. And my relationship with myself was built on that foundation. The original wounding caused me to adapt attitudes and behavior patterns which caused me to be further traumatized and wounded - which caused me to adapt different attitudes and behavior patterns which caused me to be further traumatized and wounded in different ways. Layer upon layer the wounds were laid - multifaceted, incredibly complex and convoluted is the disease of Codependence. Truly insidious, baffling and powerful.
Through revisiting the eight year old who I was I get to understand on a new level why I have always been attracted to unavailable people - because the pain of feeling abandoned and betrayed is the lesser of two evils. The worst possible thing, to my shame-based inner children, is to have revealed how unworthy and unlovable I am - so unworthy that I abandoned and betrayed my best friend, Shorty the shorthorn calf that I loved and who seemed to love me back. It is no wonder that at my core I am terrified of loving someone who is capable of loving me back.
By owning and honoring the feelings of the child who I was, I can do some more work on letting him know that it wasn't his fault and that he deserves forgiveness. That he deserves to be Loved.
So today, I am grieving once more for the eight year old who was trapped, and for the man he became. I am grieving because if I don't own that child and his feelings - then the man will never get past his terror of allowing himself to be loved. By owning and cherishing that child, I am healing the broken heart of both the child and the man - and giving that man the opportunity to one day trust himself enough to love someone as much as he loved Shorty." - Grief, Love, & Fear of Intimacy
And right now I am working on not beating myself up for this, because it is my codependency that has been causing this. We are at a place in our relationship that I have never been in a romantic relationship before, and I am terrified of opening up to the next level of intimacy . The monster terror at the core of my codependency has been having way too much control of the way I have lived my life recently - for sure since we moved, and probably it was impacting me for a while before that.
What I just saw clearly in the writing I have done this morning, is that as Susan has been courageously working her recovery program - which has helped her to become more available emotionally and more Loving to me - my deep seeded terror of Loving someone who is capable of Loving me back has caused me to become less available to her. That is really crappy - but it is also basic codependency. It is easy to be available and Loving to two year old Darien - it is terrifying to the deepest parts of me to be available for an intimate adult romantic relationship. As a little boy I felt that my father raged at me because I was defective and unlovable - and I felt like a failure and loser because I was not able to protect my mother from my father. To my ego, to open up my heart to being Loved by someone who is capable of Truly Loving me, is a set up to fail - will just reveal how shameful and unworthy I truly am.
Incredible!!! I am writing this early on the morning of January 10th, and just uncovered the Cosmic Plot that has been guiding my path. More has just been revealed to me about how the Universe has manipulated me to put me right where I am at in this moment. I have just transferred most of what I have written in the last few hours to what is going to be my February Update Newsletter. It started to get long and complicated - as it always does when I am processing in writing - and as usual, is unfolding perfectly for my recovery process. I do Love doing this process writing - and am promising myself right now, that I will make the time to do more this coming year.
Suffice it to say, for right now, that in that February Update I will share with you how my codependency has been causing me to sabotage my relationship - and how my devious Higher Power has orchestrated it all perfectly to put me at the brink of a huge breakthrough. It is possible right now for me to choose to take some actions that will be the next steps in opening my heart to someone who is capable of Loving me back. This is so exciting!!!!! Also TERRIFYING!!!!! Another "empty handed leap into the Void" milestone surrender on my Spiritual Path." - Help in keeping Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls in print
As I shared in my November Update, moving here to San Diego put us in a position where a lot of my time and energy was being spent in being a nanny to Darien.In order to further review - and to set the stage for revealing what I mean by the opposite scenario - I am now going to share a lengthy section where I review the history of my fear of intimacy processing and growth."I haven't found a lot of time yet to get very grounded in the community and develop new relationships with people and meetings, because I am spending so much of my time taking care of Darien. We have found a Montessori school nearby which we think will be a wonderful - and affordable - place for him to develop and grow and free up more time for me to focus on getting established here myself. I have real mixed feelings about that, because though I need the time to focus on myself, I will miss spending so much of my time with him. He is such a cool kid - and this time of being with him so much is such a special, special time in my life. I am profoundly GRATEFUL for the abundance of Love and Joy that I am experiencing in my day to day life right now. . . .That meant that I haven't been getting to a lot of meetings - especially CoDA meetings - because of schedule conflicts and available time. It has been easy for me to focus on Darien because the Love I give to him and receive from him is so pure and relatively uncomplicated. My adult, romantic relationship with Susan is very complicated because our issues. We are approaching the 2 year mark since we met - and about to break my longevity record for length of time in a relationship.
. . . . . So far, it has been necessary to focus a lot of time and energy on taking care of Darien and survival - on paying the rent and the bills. Moving is very expensive and we are still catching up." - November 2006 Update"As of June 15th, I will have lived with my significant other Susan - and the family she brought with her - for one year. That brings the total number of years that I have lived with someone in a relationship to a grand total of 4 years - in almost 40 years of adult life. 90% of my adult life I lived alone because of my codependency issues. (Fear of Intimacy -Ý Relationship Phobia) Pretty sad fact - very wonderful that I am now in a relationship that I believe and hope will last for the rest of my life." - June 2006 UpdateIn the early 90s I had a relationship that lasted 2 years - although in that one we lived together for abut 22 months, so the living together record is still a little bit off for Susan and I. As I said above, we are at a place in our relationship that I have never been in a romantic relationship before.
But even more than that, I realize as I am writing here this morning - that the Universe has done a number on me one more time. My process unfolding perfectly. Wow!!!
In the Relationship Phobia article just referenced, I talk about how my emotional incest issues are at the core of my terror of intimacy - and cause me, as I said in the Grief, Love, and Fear of Intimacy article to be "terrified of loving someone who is capable of loving me back.""In my latest relationship experience I went from the unavailable one to the one who was available because of my breakthrough. Then the woman that I opened my heart to Loving became the unavailable because of her fear of intimacy and betrayal issues. That caused her to react to her issues by getting involved with another man - which left me feeling abandoned and betrayed. A wonderful opportunity for growth." - Fear of Intimacy - Relationship PhobiaWhat I just realized is that after the Universe tricked me into that opportunity for growth in 2004, it turned around in 2005 and provided me with the opposite scenario.
I started my first web site on Silcom.com in February of 1998 - and this site Joy2MeU.com in February of 1999. Even before starting Joy2MeU.com I had started to do some processing about my issues in writing for the web site. I had already gotten enough of a taste of the power and promise of the internet to recognize that it was a vehicle which could allow me to share my recovery in a way which was helpful to other people around the world.
"I guess it is pretty weird to be processing here on my computer and then sending it out for the world to read - but that is what I do. The Truth is so powerful and wonderful and by doing the process work we get to start being allies with the Spirit where Love lives instead of with the disease where fear rules." - Update - Joy to You & Me November 1998That November 1998 Newsletter was one in which I talked of my fear of being too visible - of becoming a target for closed minded people who would want to burn me at the stake again for making controversial statements. And I stated that since I had decided that I wanted to get all my karma settled and was willing to be burned at the stake again, maybe I was even ready to start looking at my fear of intimacy. That being willing to be burned at the stake was easier for me to contemplate and potentially accept, than dealing with my fear of intimacy - tells you something about how much terror is involved for me in opening up to Love.
It was interesting to me, that in my latest Intensive workshop (March 24th 2007) I ended up talking about the challenge that I issued to the Universe in that November 1998 Update Newsletter. I hadn't talked about that in depth in any of the previous Intensives. I am going to include - and reread for myself - a long excerpt from my August 2004 Update that includes that challenge that I first issued in November 1998 - it was, as you will see, a challenge that the Universe answered immediately the first time I issued it. And it answered it fairly quickly on the other times I will mention that I stated my intention and commitment here in writing on my site for the world to read - which meant to me, shouting out loudly and clearly for the Universe to hear.
(I am going to intersperse a few comments within this quote from that August 2004 Update (and within several short quotes that follow it within this table) in this colored text - to make note of things that are significant to me in the processing that I am doing here.)
"My priority for many years now has been my work - what I believe is my mission as a mystical messenger in this lifetime. My brief romantic adventure at the end of 1998 - where I got to experience that I could do a romantic relationship without my self worth being involved - taught me that it was possible for me to Love and lose without being devastated by shame and blame and feelings of failure. I even said in that article, that now I know I have nothing to fear from intimacy.In several places in this excerpt I refer to the "arena." That refers to something I quoted earlier in that Update (yes that Update is very long, this excerpt is only a segment of it) - a statement I make in many places in my writing "I believe that romantic relationships are the greatest arena for spiritual and emotional growth available to us.""I have learned:Knowing that I have nothing to fear from intimacy and getting past my fear of intimacy turned out to be two entirely different things. I did not come close to a romantic relationship for over 4 years after that Adventure in Romance ended. I kept chipping away at my fear of intimacy issues whenever the Universe prompted me to look at them, but I didn't take any action to put myself in the arena.
The Universe started prompting me while I was writing my October 2000 Update when I did some processing about something I had responded to a friend of mine as I was leaving a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. What came up in that Update processing scared me so much I went into denial about looking at my intimacy issues until the Universe pushed me into more processing while I was writing my May 2001 Update. That led to 3 pages of Newsletter processing, followed by 3 more pages in my journal within the Journal. That processing caused to a major breakthrough in my process. [On the morning of August 31st (2004), in the course of writing . . . . I realized that I had misspoken in this paragraph. It was actually the May 2001 Update that was sparked by my response to a friend after an NA meeting. I have not actually read over that October Update in it's entirety in some years because it still scares me. I will be reading it over while doing the journal processing I mention below I realize I need to do next.]The May 2001 Update - that started off with the comment I had made to my friend after the NA meeting - is the one I mention in the beginning of my March 2007 Update. It is interesting for me to remember, that as I state in this writing in August of 2004 - I had not reread the October 2000 Update in years at that point because it brought up so much fear for me. I am feeling the visceral presence of that fear in my body as I write this on March 27th 2007 - it shot through me as I finished writing the last sentence. That Update still carries so much power and charge for me - that it is obviously a key component in the processing I am doing now. At the heart of the issues that are still affecting my life, are things I wrote about in that Update in 2000.
My terror of dealing with the fear of intimacy defenses that were defending my heart was so powerful, that it was necessary for the Universe to guide me into the delusion that the person mentioned was my twin soul."One of the things that I am realizing in the processing that was set off by this latest breakthrough in my process, is that I seem to just now be reaching - on a personal level - the level of consciousness that my book was written out of. It has been over 10 years now, since I wrote the core of what was to become Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls - over a period of 48 frenzied hours of writing, to be able to give a talk that I had scheduled months before." - Joy to You & Me and Joy2MeU Update - August -2001That was followed with more processing about my fear of intimacy issues in my journal in June of 2002 (This is a misstatement. It was June 2001 that I did that Journal processing following up the May 2001 Update. I was then able to avoid dealing with those issues directly until the fall of 2002 - in part because I was focused on writing my online book about the terrorist attack of 9/11 in the Fall of 2001 and into 2002.) - and then in November of that year. It was in that November 2002 processing that I got in touch with how comfortable that I had become with being alone and isolated."Because it is not a simple issue, because my road truly has gotten much narrower, because I have been busy in my life, it was easy to slip into just accepting isolation - and not take any action to change that condition of isolation. I have actually been quite happy and content with living here in isolation, able to devote my time and energy to my work. ;-)" - Joy2MeU Journal My Unfolding Dance 17 November 2002I did start taking some action to stick my toe into the arena at that time. I took some actions to sow some metaphysical seeds out into the Universe affirming that I wanted a romantic relationship in November of that year. One of those actions was to join an online personals service - not because I thought I would meet anyone that way, but as a metaphysical exercise in putting my intention out there. Nothing really came of joining that service for over a year until November 30th 2003 when I discovered the profile of my Twin Soul and sent her a message.
During the time between the brief relationship in December of 1988 and March of this year - over 5 years - my number 1 priority in my life was my work. I was totally focused upon, and somewhat obsessive compulsive about my writing. The result is the huge web site that you see. I wrote some wonderful stuff during that time - and it was a perfect unfolding of my path and mission to be so focused on my writing for that time. I am very proud of the body of work on this site. And everything I wrote was in some way related to what was going on in my personal growth process and recovery - was a part of my gradual peeling away of the layers of my fear of intimacy issues.I am going to be adding a page to the site sometime soon to expand on some points I make in my article New Age Misinterpretations of Metaphysical Truth - specifically to address what I see as misinformation in the current hot New Age misinterpretation of Metaphysics: The Secret. We are not the sole creators of our lives, able to create anything we want to create - we are co-creators who have the power to choose how we relate to our human experience, not the power to write our own script.
The thing is, that we can go out of balance with anything - including acceptance. In one of the articles in my Recovery Process for inner child healing I quoted something I originally wrote for a question and answer page on my original web site."We can go out of balance with anything. I can use acceptance as an excuse for not taking action or responsibility. I can use forgiveness as an excuse for not standing up for myself - to avoid confrontations. I can say I am taking care of myself when I am really isolating and indulging in instant gratification." - The Recovery Process for inner child healing - emotional balanceI was using acceptance to find serenity and Joy in my life in a really wonderful way - but I was also using acceptance as an excuse for not taking action to put myself in the arena. I had given up on my dreams coming True in the name of letting go. I was not taking responsibility as the co-creator in my life for doing my part in making my dreams come true."That is part of the paradox of recovery. It is very important to know that it is Ok to have dreams, to affirm and visualize our dreams coming true, to take action and plant seeds to make them possible, to open up to receiving all of the abundance of the Universe - and then we need to let go of believing that we will not be Ok until, or if, those dreams come true. We need to let go of the future and be present today. And know that we are Unconditionally Loved today - and every day, rather we reach our goals or not." - Joy to You & Me and Joy2MeU Update 2-4-00I had spent so much energy on learning to let go of the future, of not allowing my destination thinking to cause me to feel like a victim today because I haven't reached the destination - that I forgot to do my part in making my dreams come true. . . . . I have had huge deprivations issues in my life because of the relationship phobia created by my fear of intimacy issues. I had to work real hard to learn how to stop giving those deprivation issues the power to pollute how I related to women. In fact, in my journal processing of June 2002, I got in touch with some shameful behavior that manifested in my relationships with women after I got into recovery - because I was actually feeling the fear for the first time. Because those deprivation issues had so much power, it was easier for me to go to the extreme of not getting involved in physically intimate relationships.
It was writing this line in the October 2000 Update that led to the processing in part 2 of that Update Newsletter about my fear of intimacy. It was the stark Truth that was revealed to me when I wrote how much easier it was for me to be a channel than a receptacle - that forced me to open up the Pandora's box that processing my terror of intimacy felt like to me."It was so important for me to learn to let go of any wants of mine that weren't being met. Certainly I want a romantic relationship, on some level I am starved for support and companionship, for affection and touch, for Love - but there is no one in my life today who can fill that role for me so I have to let go of the illusion that I am not OK today without it.I did such a good job of focusing on enjoying the journey that I forgot that I had some responsibility for making my dreams come true. I had experienced having my hopes and dreams crushed so many times that it was easier to stop hoping and dreaming. I made my mission my life - and accepted that I wasn't going to have the type of relationship I wanted in this lifetime. I really accepted that part of the price I had to pay for being a teacher and messenger was to be deprived of a romantic relationship for the rest of this lifetime.
As I say, I think I have been, am being, successful in this mission of being a messenger, and that it will continue as long as I am in this body.
NO MORE! I will no longer accept that I can't have a romantic relationship in my life. On August 18th, as I was getting ready to go to one of the CoDA meetings here locally that I started and continue to serve as secretary for, I had an insight. It was one of those slight shifts in perspective that suddenly shine a new Light on some issue, situation, event, whatever. This insight brought me great Joy - and some of that sobbing and crying again.2004 was exciting - but it was mostly in my own mind that the excitement (and the intimacy) occurred. The last 2 years have been more exciting, and contained much more intimacy in reality. The processing I did in 2004 was in reality about getting more intimate with myself.
. . . . I believe what I said in my March Update - that I quoted above:It turned out that not only did I not have to go looking for the next relationship, but when it appeared suddenly and unexpectedly in my life the type of feelings of Karmic attraction / soul mate / vibrational connection I was talking about here were not part of the equation - physical attraction definitely was involved, but not the instant recognition / vibrational connection / "this is my soul mate" type of feeling of familiarity. The Divine Plan presented me with a scenario I could not have imagined - one that not only brought me a beautiful life partner, but also included a precious little baby and a marketing director to help me spread the message."What I believe has been revealed in recent days and weeks is that - though the mission of spreading the message will continue on some level as long as I am in my present body - the primary focus of my life in the future has shifted to Loving and experiencing being Loved in an the intimate union with my Twin Soul (or soul mate if that is to be - hopefully the Universe has not helped me open my heart without having someone in the wings waiting for me to Love.) I believe, I feel very strongly, that I am finally ready for the life partner I have been seeking forever - and that my days of wandering in the wilderness in isolation on a personal level are about to end." - Joy2MeU Newsletter March 2004 - Opening to LoveIt appears that my focus now is going to be finding the Soul Mate that I believe is out there. I am going to do what it takes to find the woman who is going to be willing to explore emotional intimacy with me. That is of course easier said that done because it cannot happen with just any woman. It has to be someone that I have some physical attraction to for one thing - but even more important it has to be someone who I feel a strong vibrational connection to, an energetic attraction to/relationship with. I don't believe that my Higher Power has arranged for me to learn to open my heart without having a plan to allow me to have the type of relationship that I have always wanted. I want to be with someone who Loves me and cherishes being in relationship with me - who will give me the chance to be a "receptacle for Love to flow into" - and who has done enough healing that she will be open to allowing me to Love her. I believe that one of my Soul Mates - (see The True Nature of Love - part 6, Twin Souls, Souls Mates, and Kindred Spirits) whom I have not yet settled all my Karma with - is in body at this time, and hopefully has been preparing to be reunited with me. Finding her is going to be a priority in my life now.
So I originally challenged the Universe in the Joy to You & Me Newsletter IV - November 22, 1998. I then repeated it, using the same wording, in November 2002:"So, I once again reaffirm my commitment to being an ally with the Spirit where Love lives instead of with the disease where fear rules. I Joyously, with tears running down my cheeks and sobs of Joy bubbling up my throat, proclaim and declare to you; to the Universe; to my Higher Power; to The God-Force, Goddess Energy, Great Spirit, Holy Mother Source Energy; to all that is blessed and holy; Fuck the fear I say - full speed ahead in the direction of Love.I declare here today, August 30th, 2004, that I am ready to meet any challenge the Universe wants to throw at me that will serve my quest to reconnect with Love. I believe that the greatest service I can do to my own healing and recovery process - and to the Planetary Healing process - is to explore emotional intimacy in a Loving romantic relationship. If it is part of the Divine Plan for my Twin Soul to awaken to our connection and decide that she wants to be my partner in this journey that would be wonderful and a True gift of Grace. If however, it is not possible in the Divine Scheme of things for us to be reunited until our next lifetime, then guide me to the Soul Mate that is to be my next teacher and partner in this quest for Love. Full sped ahead in the direction of Love is the theme and the direction!!!
That declaration in August 2004 took until January 12th 2005 to produce results - something I first shared in my March 2005 Update.
"A major goal for me in 2005 is to be more involved in life. I have taken steps to be more Alive and involved with other human beings this year. My time of living in isolation in a beautiful place I Love, focused on my writing, was a wonderful, wonderful chapter in my life. But I entered this year knowing that I wanted to be more involved in the experience of living from now on, than in writing about it from an intellectual, theoretical perspective. . . . .In my June 2005 Update, I shared how events unfolded to bring Susan into my life - and wrote the following about the intuitive message that I clearly heard after spending time with her on January 23rd 2005, the day we first met in person.
"During the course of the time we spent together that evening I got a glimpse of her True Self. Because of her childhood wounding and life experience, she had developed a defense system that to me - in our communication up until that night - had already seemed to be waving a lot of red flags warning me not to get involved. I was pretty stand offish despite the fact that I found her to be a very beautiful woman. Once I got a glimpse of her True Self, I knew immediately that this was a woman that I had to get to know.I will be quoting that Update more extensively in the additional page that will follow this one - because yes, there is going to be another page. I will conclude this page with some processing I did a few days ago about the realizations that I had on January 10th - and touch on the point I mentioned above about how this is the "opposite scenario."
"What I just saw clearly in the writing I have done this morning, is that as Susan has been courageously working her recovery program - which has helped her to become more available emotionally and more Loving to me - my deep seeded terror of Loving someone who is capable of Loving me back has caused me to become less available to her." - process writing I did on January 10, 20074:01 AM April 2, 2007 What I am seeing more clearly in putting this page together - what is really crystallizing for me this morning - is that what I wrote back in January is not really the Truth. It isn't that as Susan has become more available that I have become less available - it is that as she has become more available I haven't adjusted to the changes that she is making to become more available myself.
In other words, I wasn't fully available and then pulled back. That is the myth we codependents tell ourselves when we are in a relationship with someone who is not available in some way. "Oh I was available to Love him/her - but she/he wasn't available to me." Bull pippy!
"The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable." - Letting go of Unavailable PeopleA codependent myth is: "I am this loving, giving, available person - completely open to giving and receiving love - and the people I get involved with end up proving that they are not capable of giving back to me, are unavailable to me." If we are really open to Loving our self, then we wouldn't stay so long in a situation where we are trying to fix a relationship that is not working, or change someone who isn't available to us. The key - as I say in that article on Letting go of Unavailable People - is "where is my focus?".
"What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems. . . . Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self. We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening." - Letting go of Unavailable PeopleIt is because we aren't really giving and available to our self that being in a relationship with someone that is unavailable works for us on some level - on the level of our limited, damaged capacity to receive. In other words, we still don't Love our selves enough to really be open to receiving Love - to being a receptacle, a vessel for Love to flow into.
As I said in the quote from that October 2000 Update that started me really focusing on my fear of intimacy - it is much easier to be a channel than a receptacle, easier to give Love than to be a vessel for Love to pour into. When we are telling ourselves that we are available and the other person isn't - when we are trying to Love someone else enough to get them to Love themselves - we are doing the easy part, being a channel. What we need to do is learn to have a balance between the giving and receiving - and we need to work on having True Self esteem so that we can own that we do deserve to receive.
(There are of course, codependents of the other extreme / counterdependents, who are open to receiving a lot of positive attention, validation, love of the toxic variety - being made someone else's drug of choice / higher power - who often play the role of the unavailable one in a relationship. That doesn't mean they are open to receiving Love. Deep down inside they do not really believe they deserve to be loved - are not open to receiving Love. They may have a lot of ego strength - and like to get their egos' stroked - but deep down lack True self worth. That causes them to eventually need to flee from love - or to punish the person who is delusional enough to believe they do deserve to be Loved.)
Writing about the process of learning to Love and opening to receive is one area - as I make note of in the following quote from my book - that it can be really difficult to communicate clearly in language that is polarized.
(Just as the last paragraph I added demonstrates how it is complicated to explain codependent behavior sometimes because the reactive extremes in behavior can look very different on the outside - i.e. the person who appears to be available and loving versus the person who appears to be unavailable and withholding - but are actually caused by the same basic emotional wounds and fear of intimacy. Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 3 - Codependent & Counterdependent Behavior.)
"What I am telling you is that the grief process works to dramatically change the quality of the life experience. What I am saying is that it is possible to find some Peace and Joy in life. Unfortunately, in sharing this information I am forced to use language that is polarized - that is black and white.
When I say that you cannot Truly Love others unless you Love yourself - that does not mean that you have to completely Love yourself first before you can start to Love others. The way the process works is that every time we learn to Love and accept ourselves a little tiny bit more, we also gain the capacity to Love and accept others a little tiny bit more.
When I say that you cannot start to access intuitive Truth until you clear out your inner channel - I am not saying that you have to complete your healing process before you can start getting messages. You can start getting messages as soon as you are willing to start listening. The more you heal the clearer the messages become.
When I talk about ways that we use to go unconscious - like workaholism, or exercise, or food, or whatever - I am not saying that you should be ashamed if you are doing some of these things.
We cannot go from unconscious to conscious overnight! This healing is a long gradual process. We all still need to go unconscious sometimes. Recovery is a dance that celebrates progress, not one that achieves perfection." - Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
Learning to Love ourselves so we can become available to Love others is a long gradual process - a journey of uncovering, discovering and recovering, of pealing away the layers of our fear of intimacy defenses. And at some point I believe, it is very important to that process to be in a relationship with someone else who is in recovery so both people can grow from the interaction. That was a most important factor for me in the conscious choice I made to get involved in the relationship with Susan - that she was in recovery.
And I haven't been doing my part in the growing in my relationship with myself part - so that I can grow within the relationship.
I may have been more available in some ways, on some levels, than she was in the beginning of the relationship - and perhaps am still in some of those ways. But the bottom line is that I was not totally available to Love myself at the beginning of the relationship, and have been so caught up in dealing with the realities of surviving and paying the bills and taking care of Darien - that I have not really made much progress in becoming more available and Loving to myself in the last 2 years. And if I am in some ways not available in my relationship with my self, then I am not capable of being fully available in a relationship with another person.
So, I wasn't available to her beyond a certain point when we got together - and have not progressed from that point in any significant way since then, while she has made significant progress in her recovery and has become much more available and Loving to me. (Of course, she did have some catching up to do also.;-)
So, I didn't actually become less available to her - it just seems that way because she has become more available to me.
And the key to the "Cosmic Plot" that I uncovered is contained in the remaining lines of the article about Letting go - the lines that come after the one I quoted above about being unavailable.
"We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents. We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth - or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome.I am seeing as I do this processing page that the whole "frog into a prince" fantasy thing is way, way powerful in me. I am seeing clearly in this processing that my capacity for romantic fantasy is huge - and has been a major factor in my inability in recovery to be available for romantic relationships. I was powerless to fully apply the theoretical knowledge I had about romantic relationships to the actual experience of them, because the desperate neediness caused by my inner child wounds, combined with the powerful imagination of the magical thinking romantic part of me, rendered me incapable of Truly being real in a relationship.
We need to own our own worth - our own "Prince or Princess" ness - before we can be available for a healthy relationship with some one who has owned their own worth.
It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need to focus on healing our self - on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available." - Letting Go of Unavailable People
The Universe did trick me to get me involved in "relationships" that were far more fantasy than reality in 1998 and 2003 and 2004 - because of how much terror I have of being available to receive Love.
"But even more than that, I realize as I am writing here this morning - that the Universe has done a number on me one more time. My process unfolding perfectly. Wow!!!It was necessary for me to buy into the delusion that the person I met in December 2003 was my twin soul - in order to delve into my issues as deeply as I did in 2004. It was going through that experience that brought me to a place where I was available for this relationship.
In the Relationship Phobia article just referenced, I talk about how my emotional incest issues are at the core of my terror of intimacy - and cause me, as I said in the Grief, Love, and Fear of Intimacy article to be "terrified of loving someone who is capable of loving me back.""In my latest relationship experience I went from the unavailable one to the one who was available because of my breakthrough. Then the woman that I opened my heart to Loving became the unavailable because of her fear of intimacy and betrayal issues. That caused her to react to her issues by getting involved with another man - which left me feeling abandoned and betrayed. A wonderful opportunity for growth." - Fear of Intimacy - Relationship PhobiaWhat I just realized is that after the Universe tricked me into that opportunity for growth, it turned around and provided me with the opposite scenario." - process writing I did on January 10, 2007
The Universe completely ambushed me with this relationship - and did it in such a way, that I had to throw out all the romantic fantasy stuff. There was no feeling that I had met a soul mate or twin soul - or that there was some powerful vibrational or Karmic connection in this relationship. I don't even think in those terms any more.
And it is not that there isn't romance in my relationship with Susan - there is. But there isn't a delusional romantic fantasy involved. I didn't get involved with her because I thought she was a soul mate or my twin soul or anything. And I didn't have to delude myself that there was a karmic connection after getting involved with her in order to justify that involvement - as I did in the fantasy relationship of 2004. I recognized that the Universe had brought her into my life as a teacher - and that I needed to surrender to the experience. That she is a gorgeous babe was a definite plus in helping to make that surrender. (And that isn't to say there isn't some karmic connection between us - there must be or we wouldn't be so deeply involved in helping each other grow.)
5:21 AM April 5, 2007 I realize as I try to wrap this up so I can get it posted, that the romantic fantasy piece is something I need to look at further in the page that is going to follow this one. As I said in the quote from my November 2006 Update I included above: "it has been necessary to focus a lot of time and energy on taking care of Darien and survival - on paying the rent and the bills." I think that I have been so focused on the baby and the finances that I have short changed the actual relationship with Susan. Because I wasn't in some kind of romantic fantasy delusion, and I have never in my life been present in reality for a relationship (being in a romantic fantasy delusion is not being present in reality) - I haven't known how to be present to appreciate the relationship for what it is. I haven't been available a lot of the time to Susan. Wow! Sorry Sweetie!
I think that I am seeing now, that part of the experience I needed to surrender to, was to learn how to be present in reality in a romantic, intimate relationship. I mean, I knew that theoretically, but I don't think I have been focusing enough attention on actually doing it - actually being present and conscious of the gift that this relationship is in my life, the gifts this relationship has brought into my life.
I have been not been focusing on the relationship - or on my recovery. The fact that I haven't been focusing a lot of attention on my recovery - haven't thought I had the time and energy to do that - is definitely a strong contributing factor in what has been happening. (Because of phone counseling and answering e-mails and my Intensive workshop, there is never a time that I am not focused on recovery to some extent - it is a way of life to me - but I haven't been focusing specifically on my fear of intimacy issues and how they are affecting my life and relationship in the present.)
So, I have more processing to do. There is going to be another page that follows this one - though I probably won't get it finished until the end of April at the soonest. First I need to do my taxes.
And I haven't even gotten to the part about owning my positive masculine power on this page. That is a perfect part of the processing of course. So, I will get to that in the next page of processing - and to the issues that are directly related to that processing about owning my masculine power. Two biggies are involved here - health and wealth - that are directly tied into my fear of intimacy. I already know that I am going to be making a declaration, issuing a challenge, to the Universe similar to the ones I made about "full speed in the direction of Love" - this time in regard to committing to abundance and prosperity on all levels, including health and finances. In doing that I will need to look at the October 2000 Update - and at my fear of being too visible (being burned at the stake again) which is a fundamental piece in relationship to these issues.
In the meantime, the first inner child healing grief group has successfully started - and the next one is starting on the 14th. I still haven't got the funds to do any local advertising for my Intensive Training Day workshop - but had a very good turn out for my March one. My computer keeps deteriorating but hopefully will hold up until enough abundance manifests to be able to get a new one. I am very grateful that both vehicles are still running - even though the hood of the Focus (that I talk about getting in the August 2006 Update) is still crumpled from a fender bender / hood bender accident we had in stop and go rush hour traffic on Darien's birthday in November. (The insurance money came in just before Christmas - so got spent on other things.) And I just yesterday found out for sure that I was going to be able to cover the rent for April. Good news!
Anyone who has read this whole page is probably someone that enjoys and values my style of writing - which is hazardous to the patience of people with ADD. If you do, you might want to check out my Dancing in Light pay to view section - which includes the last 13 chapters of Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light Book 2 A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life (which includes several chapters dealing with the emotional vampire dynamic I mention above) and/or the Joy2MeU Journal which includes the personal journal I mention numerous times above. Both works are available in combination with my book and / or tapes or CDs on the special offers page (which I just noticed still includes the reduced Holiday prices that I forget to change in January as I say I will on that page - I will leave those up a little longer.) And both are also available as gifts to people who make donations to the Joy2MeU cause: Help 2007.
So, I will sign off for now. I will post the next page of this processing when I find enough early morning hours to finish it - and will announce it on the New and News page as I will this one. I was led to making some changes in one of the pages on my site in writing this - and am also going to be adding this quote about Easter to my New page today when I post this.
"This particular column has grown out of the fact that this past Sunday was Easter. Easter, like other "Christian" Holidays, is a celebration that was designed to replace the pagan holidays of the people the early Christians were trying to convert. . . . . Easter is scheduled in the same time period as the Spring Equinox. Spring is the time of new beginnings - of new growth, of rebirth, of resurrection. Easter is about resurrection and the Truth of eternal life." - Spirituality - a broader perspectiveSo a Happy Easter / New Beginning / Springtime of the Spirit to all the Magnificent Spiritual Beings out there in cyberspace. - Robert 4/7/07
07. My Fear of Intimacy (4/9/08 I have not finished that page yet - am not sure when, or if, I will. ~ RB)
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