This is part 1 of the additional Newsletter portion of the Joy2MeU March 2004 Update.

(There are references in the writing below to things said in the Update - so if you haven't read it already, you might want to take a look at it to understand the context.)

The search engines are blocked from indexing this page so I am not including the left hand column with all the identifying info and graphics.  The only way for you to get here was through the Update page, so you know where you are already.  If not click here Home Page Joy2MeU   All of the internal links in this Newsletter open in a separate browser window.

Joy2MeU Update Newsletter

Honoring My Courage

I am going to be doing a lot of sobbing and crying while writing this portion of this Update.  I am in a time of intensely and passionately experiencing life, as I mentioned in the Update.  And as I mentioned some place else in my writing, one of the puzzles of this human experience we are having is that we react the same way to both intense pain and intense Joy - by sobbing and crying.

I am passionately embracing my human feelings in a very intense way in recent weeks and months - because I have gotten in touch with both searing pain and transcendent Joy and Bliss.  I have made the most incredible breakthrough in my codependency recovery process - a magnificent, towering, monumental breakthrough of epic proportions on a personal level.

I have triumphed in my personal battle to break through the seemingly impregnable and invincible defense system that my ego had constructed around my heart to protect me from Love.  I have for the first time in my life, Truly opened up to Loving another being from a gut level, with all my heart and soul.

The level of pain and ecstasy set off by writing that last sentence, brought up grief to a depth that compels me to get up and move around the room as animal like moans of tormented pain escape my lips.  The almost unearthly lament of my wounded soul as it breaks free from it's codependent shackles (the bondage of ego self) and begins to soar on the wings of Joy and Love and Bliss.  It is ecstasy to access that Love - and that very ecstasy brings up the searing pain of having been deprived of it for so long.

I have slain the monster!!!  The ferociously, monstrous beast that was my terror of intimacy.  What a gift!!!  What a miracle!!!

"This heroic chronicle has many chapters which will be related at another place and time.  The story told here is only one short chapter - but one of the most vital passages of this Sacred Journey. This is the Initiation into an inner sanctuary of the Greatest Treasure Ever Known which can only be accomplished by confronting and defeating that ferociously monstrous beast known as The Terror of Intimacy.

And of course, you have already guessed that the Greatest Treasure Ever Known is Love.

This is a chapter in the story of the Sacred Journey of this Prince in his quest to go Home to Love - and to be reunited with his Twin Soul." - An Adventure in Romance - Loving and Losing Successfully

I have had the courage and the faith to keep plunging back into the fray (although sometimes taking a few years off in between plunges;-) each time I was battered and bloodied and crushed by this mutated, malformed, hideous manifestation of my codependency - my terror of intimacy.  Fear of intimacy is a magnified version of codependent fear.

Fear of the unknown is a normal human reaction that is part of our survival programing - it is not the monster.  The monster is codependent fear.

"This fear is not a normal human fear of the unknown.  It is codependent fear:  a distorted, magnified, virulent, mutated species of fear caused by the poisonous combination of a false belief that being human is shameful with a polarized (black and white, right and wrong) perspective of life.  This self perpetuating, self destructive type of obsessive thinking feeds not only on fear, but on shaming ourselves for feeling the fear." - Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 1
Our fear of intimacy has a strength in direct proportion to the amount of pain and shame we felt in early childhood - because that is what caused our ego to build up a fortress around our hearts.  The first people we opened our hearts to - opened them completely and unconditionally to - were our parents, or whatever adults were in our lives.  Because those adults were wounded, our hearts were crushed.
"Our parents were our first loves - and we were wounded in our relationships with them because they were wounded.  We internalized and incorporated the conditioning from those initial experiences of opening our hearts to emotional intimacy into our relationship with self.

It is not our relationship with our parents that we need to heal in order to open to Love, it is our relationship with our self - the self image we formed because of our relationships with them.  The healing we need to do is internal, in our relationship with self.  Our ego adapted defenses to protect us in the environment we grew up in.  In order to change our relationship with self we need to change our childhood ego programming." - Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light Book 2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life Chapter 5: Codependency = conditioned reactive programming

I have been intermittently, actively working on healing my fear of intimacy issues through writing ever since receiving a strong message about my need to focus my attention on those issues while writing my Update of October 2000.  I plunged into those issue with a vengeance in my Update of May 2001 - and followed that up by doing many pages of processing in my personal journal in the Joy2MeU Journal in June of 2001 and then in July and November of 2002.

It takes great courage and faith to face our emotional wounds.  Being willing to heal our wounded hearts is a courageous journey through treacherous territory.  Of course, those of us that are in codependency recovery did not get into recovery because we wanted a new hobby or something.

"Our ego desperately fights to hang onto denial and rationalization - because to the ego it feels like a fight for survival, literally a life and death struggle.  No one wakes up one morning and says, "Hey maybe I will do some emotional healing today - that sounds like fun."  We start doing this healing work because we are in so much emotional pain.  We start doing it because we have hit an emotional bottom where rationalizations and denial no longer work.  We start doing it because we have reached a point where emotional dishonesty is killing us - literally." -  Chapter 5: Codependency = conditioned reactive programming
Most people have a misunderstanding about courage.  They think that courage is something that feels strong and powerful and confident.  That is not true at all.  Courage is when we are scared to death and we move forward anyway.  A example I have used over the years to help people understand this is:  that a person who charges a machine gun nest and does not feel fear is not courageous - they are insane.

What courage feels like in actual experience is: "Oh crap, I have to do this."  Courage is a soul compulsion.  It is when our soul, our Spirit, is telling us that we need to do something no matter how scared we are - no matter how terrifying it appears to be.

Courage isn't necessarily about doing something we want to do, it is definitely about doing something we need to do.  We become willing to move through our fear of the unknown because our intuition guides us, our soul compels us, to move forward - to take the plunge.

I did not want to get sober.  I did not want to start doing codependency recovery.  I did not want to open up to feeling the feelings and doing the deep grief work.  I did those things to save my life.  I did them because my intuition told me I had to do them to be True to my Self.  I did them despite incredible resistance and fierce guerilla warfare waged by my ego attempting to sabotage my recovery.  The number one tool of the ego is the magnified mutant codependent fear of making a mistake.  It bombards us with messages that we can't trust ourselves and presents the "evidence" from the past that I mentioned in the first paragraph of this Update.

We do not have to trust our self.  This is not self help.  This is a Spiritual process and we will be guided - we can trust our Spiritual guidance, our Higher Power.  There are no mistakes or failures - just things that feel that way because our codependent programming is defining our experience of life from a black and white shame based perspective.  Developing a detached, objective observer perspective - a recovery control center, as I describe in explaining my approach to inner child healing - allows us to learn to define our experience of life from a perspective aligned with the Spiritual Truth of Unconditional Love instead of fear and shame.

We need to start taking the risk of having faith in the process.  We need to start taking action based upon faith instead of fear.  I learned to "act as if" I had faith in a Loving Higher Power in order to access the courage to start moving though my fears.  I started to "fake it til you make it" - that is, to take leaps of faith in order to allow the Universe the opportunity to demonstrate to me that there was Truly good reason to have faith.

I am talking about FAITH here.

The more we remember that everything is unfolding perfectly, the more we can have faith that there is a very good reason for even what appears to be the greatest tragedy, the most profound injustice.

We need to accept and honor - that is, not shame and judge ourselves for - not only our feelings and our past behaviors, our human needs and desires, but also our longings, our resistance, and our fears.

We have those longings for a reason.

We have those fears and that resistance for a reason.

The more we start remembering that "the Force is with us," the easier it becomes to accept and Love ourselves.

(This color of text is used for quotes from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

A pet peeve of mine is when I hear someone say that fear is the absence of faith.

"Fear is an innate, genetically ingrained, emotional impulse in human beings.  It is a programmed response to survival instincts.  Fear is an emotion that can serve us.  It is a necessary tool for survival in a hostile environment.

I get really angry when I hear some old timer in an AA meeting say, "Fear is the absence of faith."  That is bull.  If we did not have fear, we would not need faith.  Faith is what gives us the courage to walk through our fears." - The Recovery Process for inner child healing - through the fear

It is because we feel fear that we need faith.  It is when we are being emotional honest enough to own our fear that we need to have courage.  When I was drinking and using I had no permission from my codependent programming to feel fear - to consciously own that I was ever afraid.
"I remember very distinctly the thoughts I had in one of my first AA meetings when several people at a podium spoke of being afraid.  My thought was, "Who are these people - talking so much about being afraid.  I was never afraid.  They stuck guns in my face and it didn't scare me."

I did not have permission from my self to acknowledge that I felt fear, because I had learned growing up that real men do not feel fear.  I was emotionally crippled because I did not have permission to own my fear - or my pain or sadness.  I had no permission to be emotionally vulnerable - "weak."  So, like the manly man I was trained to be, instead of owning that I was afraid or hurt, I got angry.

The Truth, as I soon came to understand it, is that I had really been scared of everyone and everything.  I was scared because I knew I was not perfect, and I was sure that other people would discover what a shameful loser I was.  Scared that I would fail the life test - that I would never reach "happily ever after."  Afraid that I would never find someone to Love me.  The little boy inside of me was scared that god would punish me for being unworthy - scared of being condemned to burn in hell forever." - Chapter 3: Emotional honesty

I had to start owning and feeling my feelings in recovery.  Sometimes when I was in a very emotionally uncomfortable place I would remind myself that this was a gift of recovery - because it sure didn't feel like a gift.  But it is vital that we own our feelings in order to discover our True Self and to reconnect with Love.

I still resist feeling the feelings.  My ego still hates to feel out of control and throws up rationalizations and justifications for me to resist and procrastinate and try to avoid feeling the feelings and doing the work.  I get through the resistance relatively quickly these days - in part because I have learned in recovery to keep remembering to not judge and shame myself for being a wounded human who resists and procrastinates.

I was guided years ago to make recovery the number one priority in my life.  I was guided there out of both Spiritual intention and human motivation.  The human motivation was because I don't like suffering - and I realized that in trying to avoid pain I was causing myself great suffering.

"I learned to focus on my recovery as my number 1 priority because it worked to make my life easier and less painful in the long run.  It took me years in recovery to really understand all of this - and to give recovery the priority focus - but eventually I came to understand that I could make a conscious choice to be a positive co-creator in my life instead of a negative one.  That I could start creating cause that would have better effect.

I focus on recovery because it works.  By paying attention, being conscious and willing, I get to follow the messages instead of forcing the Universe to use the stick on me.  Choosing to make recovery the number one priority in my life makes life easier and less painful.  Bottom line." - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter - January 2002 Newsletter Part 1

The messages I got kept leading me deeper in the labyrinth of the fear of intimacy defenses that my ego had adapted to protect my heart.   I was working through the layers of my wounding - grieving my wounds, pealing the layers to uncover any remnants of black and white victim beliefs, owning the part my defenses had in setting me up at the same time I was working the first step to be able to Truly see my powerlessness so I could forgive myself - in my personal journal in the Joy2MeU Journal.

One of the saddest and most painful things I discovered in the processing of 2002 was that I after I got sober I started withholding in relationships in ways that I had not while still drinking - because I started actually feeling my fear that I had denied even having because of my subconscious programming.

I continued to process in that journal to try to overcome the fear of intimacy that caused me to effectively have a relationship phobia most of my life.  I got past those defenses enough last year to have a brief, long distance relationship after 4 years of not having anything close to a romantic relationship (since the Adventure in Love.)  In the processing frenzy I started in October I realized that my romantic adventure in 2003 was much more fantasy than reality. I also realized that though opening up to experiencing a relationship was vital to my growth - that I gotten into a relationship with someone who substantially fit my old patterns in that she was not only emotionally unavailable but also mostly incapable of being nurturing and Loving in a relationship because of her wounds.

One of the things that I committed to in that processing last fall was my desire to do whatever was necessary to break my patterns to the extent that I could get involved with someone who was kind hearted and Loving and nurturing.  I promised myself that for the first time in my life I would have a relationship in which the woman treated me in a way that felt Loving.

And then just when I was least expecting it - even before I was done with that processing frenzy - my patterns took a quantum leap in progress.  In December of last year such a woman came into my life - and we connected in a very powerful way.  The first time I met her, I had a very strong feeling that this was someone I had been waiting to meet for a very long time.  I ended 2003 beginning a relationship and started 2004 in a sweet, wonderful way with my new friend.  But even as I was experiencing feeling Loved by this magnificent woman, my defenses were causing me to keep pulling away - in part at least because I was afraid that I was buying into fantasy thinking again.  Being treated in a Loving and nurturing way felt wonderful - but also scared me.  My programming had not caught up with the quantum leap my Spiritual growth process had made.

The terror of intimacy monster had a couple of really powerful tools that it used to keep me from really opening up to Love - beliefs I was invested in that kept me from being totally present for the relationship.  In the first week in February we spent a very enjoyable 24 hours together - and the next day problems came to the surface.  She brought up some issues that were bothering her, she was trying to deal with her feelings about me not being totally present - and during the course of the day I got a real clear set of intuitive messages that something wasn't working - something needed to change.  I reacted to this intuitive insight out of my codependent black and white thinking - and decided she was asking too much of me and I needed to end the relationship.  The week before Valentine's Day I broke off the relationship. (Talk about jerk city!)

And that is what was the catalyst for the biggest breakthrough of my life.  I realized that it was me that needed to change - not her.  I went through a transformation that brought me to critical mass in relationship to the issue of Loving and being Loved - and a paradigm shift manifested that changed my core ego programming.

This is a major transformational milestone in my recovery process that has changed my relationship with life and Love forever.

In the weeks since then I have seen the effects of this paradigm shift filter through my whole being - like ripples flowing out through a pond after you drop a rock in it.  I have felt the transition ripple through my consciousness in ways that brought me the awareness that I have reached a place for the first time in my life where I am Truly available for a Love relationship.

I was always attracted to unavailable women because I was unavailable.

'The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable." - Letting Go of Unavailable People
I have been so unavailable because of my wounds, that I often questioned if I was even capable of Loving another person on a personal level - actually, really Loving them.

I have understood relationship dynamics theoretically for many years.  I have been working on getting past my fear of intimacy for many years - painstakingly peeling away layers of black and white / victim thinking to uncover pockets of grief that needed to be released.  I have had brief periods of experiencing relationships that helped me to get a little more available - and gain more knowledge - but as long as my core ego programming was so powerful I was not truly available.

I did question rather I was inherently incapable of Loving anyone.  I have questioned in the past rather I really Loved my son - or if it was something I felt because I thought I "should" feel it.  I have told people I Loved them, have thought I Loved them - and in Truth I have Loved them to the capacity I was capable of, which was not much past a surface level.

But now for the first time in my life I am capable of Loving - Truly Loving another human being on a personal level.  It is such a triumph!  Such a miraculous victory!  Such a magnificent milestone in my journey.

I have always Known intuitively that I was a very Loving person - and capable of Loving.  But now, for the very first time I know what it feels like to Truly be open on a heart level to Loving another person.  I can feel Love and know I am capable of Truly Loving.  In my gut I feel it - and I rejoice.  It is such an incredible gift to finally be capable of being Truly Loving in a real way with a real live woman.

And of course, this has happened because I have opened my heart to myself in a whole new way.  The breakthrough that I had was about forgiving myself on a deeper level - about dissolving a knot of grief energy at the core of my relationship with myself where I was still carrying shame about being me.

When I say that you cannot Truly Love others unless you Love yourself - that does not mean that you have to completely Love yourself first before you can start to Love others.  The way the process works is that every time we learn to Love and accept ourselves a little tiny bit more, we also gain the capacity to Love and accept others a little tiny bit more.

I have opened up to Loving myself - and treating myself with more Love than ever before in my life.  I have accessed a level of compassion for myself that is blessed and wonderful - that helps me to access Grace more fully than ever before.

In 1988 I started writing about what I was experiencing in my recovery.  The first thing I started writing was a work called The Dance of the Wounded Souls Trilogy Book 1 - "In The Beginning . . ."  I wrote it as A Magical, Mystical, Spiritual Fable.  In it my higher power appears to me as a unicorn who takes me on a magical, mystical instructional journey.  Anyone reading that Trilogy today who is familiar with my writing, will see where many pieces of both Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls and my other writing originated.  I have known since I started processing about my fear of intimacy issues - since the October 2000 Update - that I would eventually need to get back to finishing writing that Trilogy in order to unlock my fear of intimacy issues.

I think I may have misunderstood why I needed to get back to that Trilogy however.  I am now in the process of writing the next Chapter of that Trilogy.  It is the first Chapter of the Trilogy that I have written that wasn't based upon writing I wrote in 1988 and 89.  In the very beginning of this Chapter, the man I was at the beginning of the adventure back in January 1989 meets the man I am today, in March of 2004.  What I saw appear in my writing is that the man who I am today immediately says to my past self: "You are my hero."  (I start sobbing with Joy each time I read this line - it touches me deeply and profoundly.)

That is the level of compassion I have accessed for me.  To look back and see where I came from - and to have incredible compassion and respect for me, to want to honor me, is such a breakthrough for me.  To own on a gut level how difficult and arduous and painful my path has been - and Truly feel compassion and respect for myself.  To feel the grief and pain of how solitary my path has been - how alone I have been - without any shame or judgment.  These are steps of huge progress.  This is Truly accessing Love for myself in a way, to a depth, I have never experienced for myself.

"Fifteen years ago this month - in August 1988 - some incredible, unbelievable, indescribable events occurred in my life that I believe revealed to me my Karmic mission and purpose in this lifetime.  Since that time I have devoted my life to carrying out that mission because it is what I needed to do for me and my Spiritual Path / Recovery. . . .  .

The last 15 years have been an awesome, terribly solitary, gloriously amazing adventure for me.  An incredibly painful, transcendently Joyous, intermittently terrifying, unbelievably fulfilling journey.  The message that I got in August of 88, the Karmic settlement that I commitment my life to, involved taking responsibility.  It specifically involved being willing to stand up in public and state my Truth even if everyone in the world said I was crazy.  That commitment led me to give a talk in June of 1991 that evolved into my book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls." -  Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving ~ Donations / Love Offerings page

There are certain behaviors that I have hung onto through the years of my solitary journey - that I was judging and shaming myself for without realizing it.  I needed to reach this new level of compassion for myself to forgive myself and let go of those behaviors - by honoring that they had served me and helped me accomplish my mission up to this point.

Things are changing in a major way now.  The transformation that started in my processing back in October reached the hundredth monkey point of critical mass in late February - a major fundamental shift has taken place in my internal process and great change is manifesting in my relationship with my self and with life.

This is a time of great and wonderful Joy for me.  A special, wonderful, fascinating time in my adventure.  I believe the magnificent woman who came into my life is my Twin Soul.  I am so grateful to her for being the catalyst in this magnificent breakthrough for me.

However the way things unfolded - with me having to break up with her before I could break my ego bondage and make the shift in my relationship with myself - it now appears that we may not be together in this lifetime.  It is now time for me to work on the acceptance and willingness to let go of her.

Letting go of Her

When I suddenly broke off the relationship it was devastating to her.  It, of course, triggered some of her deepest wounds.  She is scared to let me back in for fear the pattern of me running away will repeat.

I accept that it took a major blast to my system to break through the final barriers - and that me breaking off the relationship must have been part of what was necessary.  I am very sorry that it hurt her so deeply - that my process needed to unfold that way.  I can certainly understand her fear of trusting me again.

I do believe that she is my Twin Soul and we met at the perfect time so that she could help me make this breakthrough.  But even if she is my Twin Soul, that does not necessarily mean we are meant to be together in this lifetime.

"Karmic settlement can take place from an encounter that lasts minutes or hours as well as a relationship that continues over years.  Because you feel a strong energetic connection with someone is not reason to abandon your self.  Even if you are sure someone is your Twin Soul, you still need to be willing to let go of them.  Perhaps you need to let go of them in this lifetime in order to reunite with them in the next." - The True Nature of Love - Twin Souls, Souls Mates, and Kindred Spirits
I have gotten a clear message from my higher self / the Universe that I need to be willing to let her go of her - that I need to be willing to do it with kindness and gentleness and Love.  Once again it is time to surrender to the Divine Plan - to let go of anything and everything.
"We need to be willing to let go of everything.

In my particular case: I need to let go of ever having very much money in my life; of ever having much success for the book; of ever publishing more books; of ever having another romantic relationships; of ever having the kind of nurturing, comfortable space I would like to live in; of everything that I want.

I need to let go of trying to write the script so that the Universe can give me what I need.

It may, and often does in my experience, turn out that once I have let go of something - let go of trying to dictate to the Universe my idea of what I need in my life to be OK - then the Universe says "OK, now that you have surrendered, you can have what you wanted."

Because when I let go, I also open up to receive.  As long as I am holding onto something, I am blocking the energy flow of the Universe. I have to let go and open up in order to allow the flow.

The catch is, that the letting go has to be real.  I have to accept on a gut level that I can be happy and peaceful and fulfilled without: money; a relationship; whatever.  There is no tricking the Universe into thinking I have let go when I am just pretending to let go so that I can get." - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter February 2000

I am working on staying in a space of surrendering to the Divine Plan.  I am working on staying out of a victim perspective which would create the type of artificial anger that we codependents use to try to avoid being present to feel our grief and pain.  My disease wants to take me to a victim place.  The perspective that says things like:  "I have been looking for this woman my whole life, for lifetimes, and now I have to let her go!  Not fair!  This is really stupid!!  This really hurts!!!  How could I have been so stupid, I totally hate myself for being so screwed up!!  How can you do this to me!?!??  How can she not see that we belong together?!?!?" etc.

That place is a victim place.  To allow myself to stay in that perspective when I inevitably and periodically - in my imperfect humanness - slip into it, would lead to self pity and resentment.  Victims blame.  If I allowed myself to buy into that perspective, I would end up blaming her or me or my Higher Power.  It is vital for me not to buy into a victim perspective - even now, when I am having to let go of the person I believe is my Twin Soul.

"I already knew then, that any belief that was causing me to feel like a victim was one that I needed to let go of - that I had to be willing to surrender to the Universe's Plan and let go of anything and everything that was making me feel trapped, including feeling like someone was my twin soul or soul mate." - Joy2MeU Journal series:  Miracles: Leap of Faith ~ Publishing The Dance part 2
It is so painful to think of not having this woman in my life now.  To have searched for so long and then to lose her just when I have become capable of Truly Loving her, is just inconceivable to the human part of me.

The pain of losing her feels like losing a part of myself - which this time I believe it actually is.  I have felt an echo of this pain because in past relationships my inner child wounded places have felt like they were going to die - that they were losing an essential part of self.  What I am experiencing now is much more than inner child wounds from this lifetime.

There are of course, levels of inner child reaction involved in what I am experiencing now - just as there are levels that are reactions from the adult who has suffered stark deprivation on so many levels;  from my wounded masculine energy which has sought balance and union with the feminine for lifetimes;  from the romantic and dreamer in me whose heart had been crushed and broken in ways that caused my ego to erect the terror of intimacy defenses to try to protect me from opening my heart completely so that this very thing would not happen;  and of course, from my wounded soul that has been seeking reunion with my other half in order to reconnect with The Source.

As I mention in the quote from my journal at the end of the Update, the Karmic issues we need to settle are reflected in our childhood wounds.  Those types of inner child reactions are in fact an echo, a reflection, (as above so below, as within so without) of the deeper ancient wound of being ripped in two by the manifestation of polarity into human consciousness.  (Polarity = The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil / black and white thinking)

And on a much deeper level I came to understand that I am - and have been, ever since polarization - looking for my twin soul.

This is a monumental pain - a triggering of my personal original wound of being torn asunder, separated from my feminine half.  And my original wound is reflection of the original wound of humankind - the illusion of separation from God.

The original wound, the genesis of all the pain in the human experience, the original cause from which Codependence emerged, is the illusion that we are separate from God, from our Creator.

We are not.  We never have been.  But due to planetary conditions it felt like we were.  It felt like being human was a punishment.

The incredible pain of feeling separate from the Creative Source is the greatest pain there is.

We are talking profound, ancient, deeply reverberating archetypal wound here.  Big hurt!  Huge grief!

And facing that ancient grief, feeling that abyss of pain within, is not something I want to spend the coming months doing.  I do not want to lose the woman I have been searching for through multiple lifetimes.  The thought of it has had me sobbing and crying as I have gone for my walk by the ocean - has had me struggling to keep from sobbing and crying walking down the street to the post office.  There are times when I am checking e-mail and my heart is in my throat in anticipation of the joy I will feel if I hear from her, the fear I may feel when I do not.

I will face it however, if it is what is necessary in the Cosmic scheme of things.  As I have said, I need to be willing to let go of anything and everything - and any one, even the woman that I believe is my Twin Soul.  I need to - am willing to - surrender to my Higher Power's plan no matter what it entails, no matter how much I hate the plot twists of the unfolding script.

It is possible that I have one of my soul mates that I still need to settle Karma with before it is okay to reunite with my Twin Soul - perhaps she does also.  In the time between me breaking off the relationship and then going through the shift in my ego-programming, she met and stated dating a man that may be a soul mate.  Rather her business with him will last for weeks or months or years is not something I get to know right now.  There is great terror in the anticipation of having to live through the coming weeks and months that it may take for her to get some clarity on what is right for her on her path - for her to settle the Karma she needs to settle so we can be reunited, if that is to be.

As I said in my article on Twin Souls and soul mates: "Perhaps you need to let go of them in this lifetime in order to reunite with them in the next."  I wasn't actually thinking that I was going to have to do that when I wrote that line in 1999 - but I do teach best what I need most to learn.

If she is compelled to ultimately say no to me - that she cannot let me back in, that she feels her path goes another direction - it will be a perfect part of the Cosmic Plan, a perfect part of our paths in this lifetime.  It will be devastatingly emotionally painful.  It will be the heartbreak that brings up all of the pain of all of the heartbreaks.  But it will be a perfect part of the Plan somehow, someway.  This is what I need to keep reminding myself.

It is also perfect that at this time, on an important anniversary in my recovery - which also happens to be an anniversary in relationship to my Twin Soul - I was guided to look back and see how much courage and faith I have shown in being willing to follow my path.

And to remember that those earlier versions of the "me I am becoming" are heroes.

The "Desperado" whose prison was walking through the world all alone.  Who came down off his fence to let himself get enough of a taste of Love in Alcoholics Anonymous that he could get sober in January 1984.

The emotionally crippled man who committed himself to doing anything and everything he had to, in order to learn how to stop letting childhood programming dictate his relationship with life on June 3,1986.

The reluctant mystic who was willing to keep moving through fear, terror, and dread in facing forces beyond understanding, circumstances beyond rational explanation, and intuitive guidance that took him far beyond the realm of normal human experience.  The man who kept following his Truth where it led him, even when those around him were judging him to be crazy or possessed by evil in 1988 and 1989.

The teacher and messenger who was willing to stand up in public and state his Truth without knowing if anyone would ever be able to hear him - and whose commitment to doing so in 1991 led to the eventual publication of one of the Truly transformational books of our time.

My heroes - those earlier manifestations of myself - did not have anywhere near the resources, the knowledge, the faith, or the external support and validation I have today.  If they could do what they did, could live though those years of stark deprivation wandering alone in the desert, then I can certainly expect no less heroic and courageous response from the being of much higher consciousness that I have become in my Spiritual evolutionary journey.

I am a Spiritual Warrior who has taken on a most difficult task in this lifetime - and I believe I have already succeeded in that mission.

"Rather my book is ever a best seller or not, rather it ever even goes into a second printing, does not matter.  If I never have more money than just what I need to pay the rent and keep on living one day at a time, is not important.  I have already been wildly successful in my mission.  My work and my book have been instrumental in creating a new level of understanding in the Collective Human Consciousness.  I have contributed to a paradigm shift that helps others to see Truth with more clarity.  I have accomplished my mission of reminding others that they can remember the Truth of Love just as I have been led to do - even if I die tomorrow." - Future Publications page
What I believe has been revealed in recent days and weeks is that - though the mission of spreading the message will continue on some level as long as I am in my present body - the primary focus of my life in the future has shifted to Loving and experiencing being Loved in an the intimate union with my Twin Soul (or soul mate if that is to be - hopefully the Universe has not helped me open my heart without having someone in the wings waiting for me to Love.)  I believe, I feel very strongly, that I am finally ready for the life partner I have been seeking forever - and that my days of wandering in the wilderness in isolation on a personal level are about to end.

It is because I have felt this so strongly, that the thought of losing this person has been so devastating.  It is because I am now experiencing what it feels like to Truly be available for a Loving emotionally intimate romantic relationship, that the possibility that the woman who was both the catalyst of my transformation, and the Twin Soul who I have been seeking through lifetimes, could potentially be meant to remain unavailable to me in this lifetime, that there have been moments recently where I have felt that it would be too painful to continue this journey.

This is an old feeling - a familiar feeling from the first forty some years of this lifetime - that I haven't felt for quite a few years in my recovery.  And it is natural and normal that when making a transformation of the magnitude of the one that is happening in my life now, that I would revisit the feeling that used to be such a normal part of my daily reality.

"The feeling of wanting to die, of not wanting to be here, is the most overwhelming, most familiar feeling in my emotional inner landscape.  Until I started doing my inner child healing I believed that who I really was at the deepest, truest part of my being, was that person who wanted to die.   I thought that was the true 'me'.  Now I know that is just a small part of me." - Union Within - healing the inner child
Revisiting this familiar feeling from my past - which has not been part of my emotional reality at all, for at least 5 years - and touching once again on the ancient wound to my heart and soul that I am healing in this lifetime through my Karmic mission, has been a vital component in reaching the new level of compassion, respect, and Love for my self.  Being reminded of how powerful the feelings of not wanting to be here in human body were to me for most of my life, helps me to see with more clarity how much courage it took for the man that I was, to keep following where I was guided on the solitary path that I felt compelled to follow.

I was following my soul compulsion - I was being True to my Self - despite being isolated in the wilderness of a path that no one else could Truly understand, on which for many years I was receiving no external validation from other people.

It has been a path that forced me to integrate the Truth that I felt intuitively very deeply into my relationship with myself.  I have been forced in the course of my journey to demonstrate faith when external circumstances seemed to mock my belief in my path.

If I could make it through those years when I was so very alone, facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles, then I can certainly make it through the ordeal that may be in front of me today.  Even though this seems like the cruelest blow possible - to be able to finally taste what Love Truly feels like in a relationship and then not be given the opportunity to explore the gift further / to find my Twin Soul only to lose her once more - it must be a perfect part of my Spiritual awakening, emotional healing, and Karmic settlement to be given this opportunity for growth.  The opportunity to be willing to accept the path as it unfolds, no matter what happens.  I do not necessarily have to lose her - but I need to be willing to accept losing her if that should happen.

To Truly surrender to Divine Will on a gut level is in Truth the only way that I might get what I want in this lifetime.  The only way that I can potentially get what I want, is to accept that I will be okay no matter what happens.  I need to affirm for myself once again that everything is unfolding perfectly according to the Divine Plan of a loving Universal Force.

If what I need to do today is to let go of being with my Twin Soul in this lifetime - I can do that.  I can accept that letting go of her now is serving Divine Purpose and that we will be reunited someplace, sometime - even if it is in another lifetime.

I will do what I am led to do, accept what I need to accept, and be willing to go through what I need to go through, because I Know a Loving Divine Plan is unfolding in my life.  I surrender to it unconditionally because my faith in it is absolute - no matter how painful, terrifying, and cruel it may feel to me on a human level.

What I want is for this magnificent beautiful woman being to give me the chance to prove to her how profound this transition I have made is - and how wonderful we can be together.  What I want is to Love and be Loved in a way I have never experienced.  What I want is to have a partner in this journey who can be my sanctuary - as I am being her sanctuary.

Maybe this is one of those times when the Universe will give me what I need - and it will also be what I want.  That would be very cool.  That would be incredibly wonderful.

God / Goddess / Great Spirit - Thy will not my will be done.  (But I sure wouldn't mind getting what I want for a change also.:-)

Pray for me if you will.  Not to get the outcome I want - but rather to have the strength and courage to accept the things it will be necessary for me to accept.  I will need tons of strength and courage to get through this broken heart if it is part of my Path.  I ask for the clarity and wisdom to let go of her with Love - with kindness and dignity.  I pray for the strength and maturity to Love her and be there to support her even if she eventually decides that she is not willing to take the risk of opening her heart to me again.

(On second thought, go ahead and pray for me to get what I want if you feel like it. ;-)  Pray for her heart to be open to me and for any codependent fears within her to be dissolved so that she can make a shift in her consciousness.

Ironically, she now needs to make the shift I made - opening up her heart to herself enough to believe she deserves to be Loved.  As long as I was emotionally unavailable to her because on some deep level I still didn't believe I was Lovable, she was committed to the relationship and very Loving to me, more Loving to me than I have ever experienced in a relationship.  It was because on that deep level I didn't believe I was good enough that my ego was able to sabotage the relationship.  Now that I am emotionally available and capable of Truly Loving her, her ego defenses are on full battle stations - sending her fear messages that are not so much about trusting me as about not trusting that she is good enough, telling her that she would fail me because of her childhood messages that she was not Lovable and worthy of being Loved.

So, do please pray that a shift in her consciousness will occur that will help her open up to Loving her self enough to take the risk of allowing herself to be Loved - if it is what is right for her for her path.  I have learned it is better for me to not to pray for specific outcomes for myself without adding "if it is in alignment with Divine Plan" or "or something better" or some such qualifier, because it is best for me to surrender to the plan instead of trying to dictate it.  So I am not praying for a specific outcome, but I don't see that it would hurt if you prayed for us.;-)

Thank you Goddess for allowing me to open my heart to Truly Loving in a mature healthy way.  I certainly hope your plan includes an opportunity to put this new ability to Love into practice in the arena of romantic relationship - to experience a Loving relationship in all ways in this lifetime.  It would be great and wonderful gift that I would be eternally, incredibly grateful for, if this time I could get what I want sooooo much.  If this time I could be allowed to be with this woman who I believe is my Twin Soul.

I will however keep surrendering to the Divine Plan as it is presented to me.  I will keep letting go of my wants and affirming my faith that my Higher Power is giving me what I need.   More will be revealed. ~ Robert - March 18th to 24th, 2004

Two hearts with an arrow through them symbolizing both Love and heartbreak.
As I was starting to work on my July Update (which ended up being an August Update) - and because of some processing I was doing in the ongoing opportunity for growth I am having with the woman I believe to be my Twin Soul - I reread this Newsletter in early July 2004.  I decided to split the page in two as it was extremely long - and quite intense.  The above was the Newsletter as I wrote it in March - and the next section was kind of a surprise section that I ended up tagging onto this page because it didn't really fit at the end of the Update page as I had written it to do.  I have now separated that section into an addendum to this Newsletter.  While the above is pretty much focused on the emotional level the next section is more focused on Metaphysical Levels - including the hundredth monkey principle, quantum physics, and energy interaction dynamics.  It is a pretty big shift in perspective to go from one to another, so I think works better as separate pages.
Go to Metaphysical addendum page

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