Fifth anniversary - in several ways
Tue. Jun 15, 2010 8:56 pm
Hello Magnificent Spiritual Being on my Yahoo mailing list,
Yesterday I had a breakthrough about
my relationship with my father that should help me open up to Love
in a whole new way. I am sharing the processing I did yesterday
with you here, but I also added it to an article I wrote 5 years ago:
God the
Father, and my father
5 years later - grieving for
my father who DID LOVE ME!!!
Today would have been my Father's
birthday. June 14th. Flag day. He used to tell us
they put the flags up because it was his birthday.
It never felt to me like my father loved me. He was
never able to say "I love you" to me directly in his life. On
his death bed I said "I love you" to him - and the best that he could
do was say, "Same here."
I have said for years - and said again at a CoDA meeting
last night - that I think I have more shame because my father was
there the whole time I was growing up. If he would have abandoned
us physically and not been there - then I could have made up stories
about him loving me. But he was there every day - and it never
felt like he loved me.
Thanks to the beautiful, courageously recovering woman
I am in relationship with, I realized last fall that it was my father
that I got sober for. It had never occurred to me to think that.
And also, thanks to being in a relationship with someone who is in
recovery, I got in touch with pain from when I was an infant about
what felt like my father's abandonment and betrayal. What
felt like was his rejection because I wasn't good enough - because I
wasn't lovable. I always have said that I never felt loved by my
father, but what I realized last fall was that there was a time when
I felt like he loved me - when I was a baby. His first son.
Then my parents left the college town where my father was going on the
GI bill - he always said he had to quit college because of me - and moved
on to the farm I grew up on when I was about 6 month old. That was
the start of my father working very hard to support a family that eventually
included 6 kids. My next brother was born 15 months after me - and
I was no longer the center of attention - but by then, I had already lost
much of my father's attention because he was working to support his growing
family.
I did get in touch with this infant wounding last fall,
but I hadn't really worked through it yet - which was causing me to
react - out of that wordless pain and terror of an infant who feels
rejected and betrayed by his father - to my partner. That happened
yesterday - and again today. The part of me that is convinced that
I am so unlovable that even someone who seems to love me completely will
leave me - as it felt like I lost my father as a baby.
When I reacted yesterday, and my partner was able to respond
out of her recovery instead of out of her old wounded defensive behavioral
reaction, I was not able to get through it - I just turned it back
in on myself and judged myself for my reaction. Today when it
happened and she again was able to respond out of recovery, I was able
to bring the focus back to myself in a healthy way - and that led to
my breakthrough.
I have been saying to people for years that my mother taught
me how to rationalize abusive behavior - both with her role modeling
and with direct messages like: "Your father really loves you, he just
doesn't know how to show it." And I did learn to rationalize from
statements like that. What was different today, was that for
the first time ever, I got it on a gut level that what she was saying
was also the Truth (with a capital T.)
My father did love me - and was incapable of showing it.
My father did love me!!!!!!
My father died in May 2005 - just a bit over 5 years ago.
I didn't grieve for my father then. I said that I had been grieving
for not having a loving father for years - and that was the truth. But
I did not ever really grieve for my father. Today I am grieving
for my father. My father who did love me, but was incapable of
showing me. Maybe it is not too late to be a different kind of
father to my son.
Owning that my father did love me is hopefully going to
let me finally open up to receive the love from my partner that I haven't
been trusting because deep down inside I didn't feel like I was lovable.
6/14/10 12:56 pm. I finished
writing this and sent a copy to my partner Susan at 12:16 - 40 minutes
ago. We got off the phone talking about it - and crying - only
a few minutes ago. The miraculous, incredible gift that is
a result of us both being in recovery, is that me getting on a gut
level that my father really did love me, helped her for the first
time to get on a gut level that her mother really did love her.
Huge paradigm shift for both of us!!!!!!!!!
I am going to be expanding on this processing in the coming
days, and hopefully by Father's Day I will have been able to process
through it in more depth and breadth and post it on my site. Right
now, I am sobbing and crying because this is a huge piece - for both
of us.
As long as at the core of my relationship with myself,
was the belief / feeling that my father had rejected and betrayed
me as an infant, there is no way that I could open up to receive
love unconditionally from another person. There was no way that
I could truly be more Loving to myself in how I treat myself, in how
I live my life. As I say in the article above, I have made huge
progress over the years - but this shame and terror of rejection was
at the core of my relationship with myself. Opening my heart
to Susan brought it to the surface for me. Now maybe I can really
open up my heart to my self.
My father really did love me!!!!! ~ Robert 6/14/10
1:13 pm
Pretty huge breakthrough for me.
Will be interesting to see what happens now. Not sure
when I am going to find the time to do more writing - well I do, it
will have to be in the middle of the night. Hopefully between
now and Fathers Day I will find the time.
I posted a page with some special offers for Phone counseling
that are available until July 4th. And I posted the latest batch
of testimonials from people whose lives have been changed by my book,
tapes, CDs, and website to the Testimonial page.
Things are still very tight financially- haven't paid any rent for June
yet. We have been paying it in 2 installments and need to come up
with the first half pretty soon. Donations to the cause are always
appreciated. Donation/
Love Offering
5 years ago today I not only committed to a relationship
by moving in with Susan - but got a whole family in the process.
Tonight is the 5th anniversary for Susan and I - a record for both of
us. It is a big day. My son Abe got 6 months today - and Darien
has his school play (he is the star of course.;-) By the way, I posted a recent picture of Abe, and an old
picture of Darien and I, on the New and news page recently. I will be
posting a special offer for upcoming Intensives tonight for people on Facebook
and on this Yahoo mailing list.
The adventure continues. Fertilizer leads to growth.
There is Joy in some moments every day.
I hope you are able to find some Joy in your adventure today.
Robert
From Facebook
Two significant things happened
in June that I documented on Facebook and not in these mailings. The
first was being contacted on Facebook by someone I had been in acting school
with 30 years ago. It was a trip to reconnect with those days. They
have an alumni page on Facebook, and though most of the people that are
on it were people who came after me, or were just starting there when
I was almost done there, there was someone who had some pictures of a play
I was in. On this page I am the one holding the hat with the mustache - and on the right
is one of my head shots from those days. The picture (with the
hat) is from a play in early 1983 - at the beginning of my last year of
drinking when I really hit bottom.
"In the meantime, in
the late summer of 1986, I had gone to work in an Chemical Dependence
Treatment Center. I had been pursuing an acting career in Hollywood
since 1975 and had been very good at being a suffering artist. It
was a perfect path for both my codependence (suffering I learned real well
from the church that taught me I was a sinner who was here to do penance
for being born a sinful, shameful human) and my alcoholism (everyone knows
that artists need to drink a lot and do drugs). As a result of doing
Positive Affirmations and consciously trying to reprogram my subconscious
beliefs I surrendered to going to work in a treatment center and giving
up the suffering artist types of jobs that I had done for years." -The Story
of "Joy to You & Me"
The other significant
thing happened on June 24th. Susan called me late at night on her
way home from an all day Landmark Education
seminar she was attending. She called to say that
she was ready to make a commitment to being with me exclusively for the
rest of her life. This was a huge breakthrough for her because a
major issue for her has always been her idea of Freedom. Since she
escaped from juvenilehall at 13 and lived on the streets for months,
she has resisted being "controlled" by anyone - and especially a man. To
her making a commitment was the same as being controlled - being someone's
property - and meant the loss of freedom. So, the willingness to consider
making such a ccommitmentwas a huge breakthrough for her. It wasn't
that she was acting on not being committed, it was that she wasn't willing
to commit to not having a choice - that to her was too much of a loss of
freedom. So, that night we got engaged.
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Update on the Joy2MeU Adventure
- asking for help, for Love offering Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:31 pm
Hello Radiantly Beautiful Spiritual Being, I just posted this
page: Update on the Joy2MeU Adventure - asking for help, for
Love offerings or sales You can read it here or online.
Hello Magnificent Spiritual Being,
I did a lot of crying today. Very emotional. Things
are really desperate financially again. I hate having to ask for help
- but my Higher Power obviously thinks I need to once again be willing
to surrender to working the Third Step and taking the action of asking
for help. I start sobbing and crying again as I sit here.
I am so sick of this economic recession (something I am sure
you are also.) I recently posted a link to one of my Update
Newsletters where I shared an excerpt of one of my Joy2MeU Journal
articles about some of the incredible Miracles in my recovery - and that same Update was where
I was processing about my feelings about needing to consider moving
from Cambria where I had loved living because it was too hard to make
a living there and support a family.
After we moved down here to San Diego in September 2006 things improved
greatly - still tight but closer to manageable. Then in September
2008 the printer who was printing the latest printing of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls messed up
and printed a larger print run that I could really afford at the time.
"The article that I had forgotten I had made as a separate
web page, is a part of that same series of articles and is the story
of me writing and later publishing the Codependence: The Dance of Wounded
Souls. It is called Leap of Faith
~ Publishing The Dance - and I do have a link to it on my site
index page, but it is a small link in the Journal section of that page.
It is a slightly abridged version of the two part article that appears
in the Joy2MeU Journal. Reading it again just now was quite a trip.
It is really quite amazing how much recovery I cram into some of these
articles about my path -as well as my Update Newsletters - and by that
I mean sharing actual examples of recovery in action. Examples
of letting go and surrender, of taking action despite the fear and how
I have worked to change my old programming. It has been so wonderful
over the years to have the opportunity to share my recovery - and then be
able to reread it to remind myself of the miracles and intuitive guidance
that helped me to learn the lessons and follow my path. It has been
one incredible adventure - this recovery journey for me. I am profoundly
grateful for it.
Rediscovering that article also reminded me of how the financial
situation we are in got to be such a mess. I posted that article
as part of sending out a request for donations to help keep my book
in print one more time. The combination of not getting nearly as
many donations as I had hoped, and the printing company printing a large
print run without getting my final approval, put us in a real hard financial
place last September. Then the bottom fell out of the economy shortly
after that. I was thinking it was just the recession. . . . that
was impacting us without remembering how the printing of the book had
started our own personal recession several months earlier."- Newsletter
May 2010
On January 3rd 2010,
I posted a page asking for help in honor of my 26th sobriety anniversary.
Last month (and again earlier this month) I added an update to
that page to share what was happening in our life now.
"7/14/10
Another milestone approaching, my 62nd birthday on July
23rd. Sigh. And as of today I am not sure if I can keep
the utilities all on by then, let alone do anything to celebrate. As
I mentioned in my last Update, things got different and more complicated
in our lives recently.
"Of course, it seems like sometimes the Universe gives
me more because it is about to give me more need - if you know what
I mean. (I used to think that it was taking away what it just gave -
but have changed that perspective.;-) Susan's 21 year old daughter
and my 20 year old son both got kicked out of after care programs this
week- so now we are going to have 2 more people living with us in this house
that is too small for just the 3 of us. Two more people without jobs
of course. Ah yes, more opportunities for growth.;-)" - Joy2MeU Update
Newsletter May 2010
My son is doing very well - has over 6 months clean and sober
now. And was recently he won his appeal for Social Security Disability
(for the chronic pain and hip replacement surgery he is going to need
as I talked about in that last Update) - but not sure when the bureaucracy
is going to get around to paying his benefits (which will allow him
to start paying rent). He would have been dead now I am sure,
if we hadn't taken him in, but it has been costing us around $750 a month
extra to have him here. We have been afraid that Susan's daughter
might not make it, but she may have finally hit the bottom she needed
to start getting into recovery for real. She started a methadone
maintenance outpatient program this week - good news that she was willing
but of course more cost to us and she is back living with us again for
a period of time. (It is crowded in our little house with just Susan Darien
and I - adding two more complicates things greatly.)
One of our cars got repossessed the 2nd of this month, but
I think we are going to buy Susan's son's girlfriends car - if we can
come up with the $300 for the old junker. Anyway, the time has come
again when I need to put out a message to the Universe that I need help.
I hate that I once again have an opportunity to practice surrender
and faith and acceptance and demonstrate my willingness to do whatever it
takes - obviously I have some very gnarly Karma that I am settling. Any
help that anyone can send my way will be greatly appreciated. ~ RB 9:13
am 7/14/10
8/10/10 We were able to get
another car for less than $400. Still paying rent in two installments
- paid the last part of July on the 31st, and not sure when I will be
able to pay any on August. The Adventure continues. And I still
find many moments of Joy in my life every day - and have never had more
Love from intimate relationships with other human beings in my life than
I do today. More will be revealed about what the Divine Plan is -I
don't need to know today. ;-) RB" - Working the Third
Step - ASKing for Help - Opening to Abundance
The car we got for under $400 is acting like it is about
to die. The other car has the transmission going out. Still
do not have any rent to pay for August. Abe just got 8 months
and is doing great (although kind of touchy while working on his fourth
step.) Susan's daughter (Darien's mom) is in a recovery home and
doing very well. Her best friend who lived around the corner from
us died of an OD in the back seat of a broken down car down the block
last week- he was 20. Hopefully the people that knew him will get
the message that alcoholism / addiction is not child's play - it is a
fatal disease.
Abe's SSI disability started but doesn't cover what it costs
us to have him here. I continue to have phone clients tell me
they want to continue but can't because of finances. In the later
part of September my social security will start (one of those good news
bad news situations - egad how did I ever get this old!!!) - so that
will help. And the first of October Abe's SSI will increase because
he is now paying us rent. Darien's father is also working on getting more
support for him from the army. I can actually start to see a light
at the end of the tunnel in about a month. It will especially help
I think, if I am able to get a DVD made of my Intensive - something I would
very much like to do on September 5th when I have the next one.
Part of the reason today was such an emotional day is that
we took Darien for his first day in kindergarten in public
school. The place was overrun with parents and kids - we had to
park blocks away. There are over 80 kindergarten kids and none
of the 20 in his room was anyone he knew. Darien got really upset
and started crying. Susan and I also got really emotional. We
had been hoping to put him in a Montessori School like his preschool.
In fact Susan found one in Carlsbad that goes through 6th grade
that she fell in love with. She took Darien to visit it last week
and he really loved it. The director and one of the teachers spent
almost an hour with Susan and Darien. When it was time to leave Darien
thanked them for spending so much time with him and expressed his beautiful
self so wonderfully that both of them - as well as Susan - got all choked
up and teary eyed. He is such a beautiful, sweet soul. He told
me the other day that he wants to learn everything and that is why he asks
so many questions. (Like "What do we need plants for?" "Where
did animals come from?" "How do you get to be a father?" "Do boy
birds sing?" - this last was coming home from school one day when he
started in with one of his trains of thought that went something like
this: "Wouldn't it be cool to be a bird! I could fly up in
the sky and it would feel so wonderful! And sing beautiful songs.
Do boy birds sing? Then I could sing beautiful songs and make
the whole world happy." He is really big on wanting to make the whole
world happy and keeping the planet clean and beautiful.)
In February, the last time things got so desperate that I
had to send out an appeal to my whole e-mailing list, I mentioned that
one of the things we needed to do was keep Darien in his Montessori school.
"The response was overwhelmingly positive. Most people weren't
able to send anything, but did send good wishes and prayers - as well
as thanks for having the courage to ask for help. There were a
few people who responded very negatively and asked to be taken of the
mailing list. There were also 3 or 4 people who wrote to say we
should take Darien out of the Montessori School - that it was a luxury
not a necessity. That couldn't be further from the truth.
We originally put him in that school because it was cheaper
than regular day care. And it has been a great experience for
him - he is so much more confident in socializing with other kids now,
it is really great. The main reason to put him in the school however
was to give me some time to work. I have almost no time to do
any writing these days (witness the need to do it in the early am) -
and find it impossible to do any kind of focused work that takes some
concentration when his enthusiastic, exuberant little self is around.
"During the time he is in school - basically 9 until 3
- is the time I have to get things done. Then and early in the morning
or late at night. (Last night - with the help of a tooth ache
- I stayed up until about 2 working on this.) My mornings are centered
around getting him dressed and ready and off to school - and once he
gets home in the afternoon it is hard to do anything that takes very much
concentration and focus because he wants attention and help with various
things. Or he wants to be on my computer playing games - which
means I can't be on my computer. The other day he changed the screen
saver on my computer - 4 years old, and he is finding things on my computer
that I didn't know were there. I used to have more time in the
afternoon or evening to get some things done before Susan started this
job - but now she isn't here near as much and is often pretty tired when
she is." - Feb. 5, 2009 message to Yahoo Mailing list quoted in April
2009 Update Newsletter
It is between 9 and 3 on weekdays that I try to do most of my telephone
counseling appointments, get to the post office to mail off orders, do the
grocery shopping, etc., etc. He is a Joy and a blessing, but it is
challenging to get any work done when he is around. So, having some
time to myself is very important to me and keeping him in school was not
a luxury." - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter May 2010
This time of course, the Montessori School would be a luxury, because
he can go to kindergarten in the public school for free. We really
don't want to send him there. The one time a few weeks ago that we
went over there to check it out, there were older kids - maybe 3rd or
4th graders - running around, cussing and generally acting in ways we
really don't want him exposed to at this age. After that visit, we
started searching frantically for other options. Most of the private
schools are too expensive, and some of the them are not that great. But
then Susan found this one in Carlsbad - which is about 10 miles away, but
in the same vicinity as Susan's office. It isn't as expensive as most
of the private schools - but still not in the realm of possibility when
we can't even pay the rent.
The Montessori School doesn't start until September 1st - while public
schools started today, August 16th. (I am actually finishing
this on the 17th.) We realized that no matter what we wanted,
the Universe might have different plans. And that it could be best
in the Cosmic Scheme of things for him to go to public school. Also,
realistically, if we didn't start him in public school and the end
of the month comes without enough financial resources to send him to
the other school we would be in a really bad position - perhaps having
to start him in public school several weeks late. We certainly didn't
want to put him in that kind of position.
In any case, what happened is that Susan became very upset and gestured
for us to go. As we were leaving we ran into 3 of his friends
from his preschool, but we were already leaving and he was so upset.
When we got home I was an emotional wreck for a couple of hours. Just
kept bursting in tears and sobs. It took me awhile to process through
what was happening and realize I was reacting out of an inner child
place on one hand.
"By the time I was 4 or 5 I felt overwhelming shame. I felt
like I was inadequate and defective because I was unable to protect
my mother from my father." - Union Within -
healing the inner child
And also reacting out of the old tapes that tell me I am a loser
and a failure because I am not making enough money and able to support
and protect my family. The old tapes that tell me that nothing
I ever do is good enough because I am inherently flawed and defective -
inherently unlovable and unworthy. When thinking about sending
out this appeal during that time, it was going to start with something
like, "My heart is so broken."
As I said, it took me a couple of hours to work through that - to
set some internal boundaries with the critical parent voice and with
the inner child places within me that feel so broken and damaged. Shortly
after I had gotten to a place of more balance Darien came in to talk
to me. He proceeded to tell me that he was so upset because there
were so many people there - and that I should remember that it takes him
awhile to get used to someplace new. He then said he wanted to go
to school tomorrow (today) and "I promise
that I will be really brave."
So, this morning I took the brave little man to school. It
seemed like there were hundreds less people there and we were able
to park right in front. Of course, we went early and his room was still
locked. But then we connected with his teacher and she was really
cool with him. She had to go into the office for a bit and Darien
started dancing - doing what I think of as his Irish jig kind of a dance.
By the time, she had shown him around the room and explained a few
things to us, a few of the kids he knew from his old school had shown up.
Last I saw of him, hewas waving good bye as he ran to the playground
to play before school started. So, more will be revealed about how
this all works out - but as of today he has started kindergarten in the
public school.
By the time he came into tell me that he was going to be brave, I
had worked through the reactions I had and remembered the Truth about asking
for help.
"Learning to have the humility and courage to ask for help
was a vital component for me in learning to live life sober.
I understand now that asking for help is an act of Love for my self,
is part of taking responsibility for myself because I cannot do it alone
- I was never meant to do it alone." - Donations
to the Cause / Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes
So, I am getting ready to publish this page now to demonstrate a
willingness to be Loving to me. I have made up some pages with
special offices on the products I have and on phone counseling. There
is a list of those along with links to the offers pages just below the
donation links. As far as the donations go, I have always sent energy
back when anyone has been moved to send some green energy my way.
"The Metaphysical Law of Karma
- of cause and effect / giving and receiving / what you sow you reap
- is what governs this life experience we are having. Giving
and receiving are two parts of one dynamic - like breathing. As
a friend of mine who is a New Thought minister says, "to say giving is more
Blessed than receiving is like saying exhaling is more Blessed than inhaling." Just
as breath needs to flow in and out, so too does energy need to flow-
on all levels, including emotional energy. Blocking the flow of
any energy, whether it is money energy or emotional energy, is dysfunctional."
- Metaphysical
Law: Giving and Receiving ~ Donations / Love Offering
This time in addition to what I have sent back in the past,
I am also going to offer a free download of the digitally remastered
MP3 download of Codependence: The Dance of
Wounded Souls "An audio Spiritual Experience" and also of the
e-book version of Codependence: The Dance of
Wounded Souls.
I know there is a perfect Divine Plan unfolding and that
everything will work out for the best in the long run. What
that is going to look like I can't know - More Will Be Revealed. The
reality of my life right now is I have never had such an abundance of Love
in my life. Things between Susan and I are better than they have
ever been (she asked me last week if we could just get married in Cambria
soon) - and Darien continues to amaze us and bring so much Joy into our
lives. Bringing my son Abe out here was the absolutely right thing to
do and we are very glad we did it. We also did the right thing with
Susan's daughter Rose from all the evidence at this point - and hopefully
after 6 months in the recovery program she will come out able to be more
responsible and mature.
[While I was writing this the guy who does the cruises called
to see if we were still wanting to get married on a cruise of the Caribbean
in late February as Susan had been wanting to do a month or so ago.
I told him that we had pretty much decided to just get married
in a simple way sooner and then maybe do a celebration of it later -
perhaps on the cruise. (We found out that you can't get married
legally in international waters for one thing - and of course, there is
no way right now we can make any kind of financial commitment to take a
cruise in 6 months.) I gave him Susan's phone number to check with
her on what she had going in regards to organizing a group of people for
the cruise. About 15 minutes later she called me - she had already
talked to him - to ask what I thought of getting married in Cambria next
month. So, that is the plan at the moment.]
How the rent and utilities will be paid I don't know. I
know that any time I have put out a blatant cry for help (as opposed
to hinting that I need help to avoid having to ask out right - like I
did last month;-) the Universe has answered - often in the form of people
on my mailing list donating or buying at the time I need it most. I
will be very grateful if you are moved to respond in any way this time.
One of the things I am hoping is that I will be in a position to
film / record my next Intensive. I sent an appeal to several people
that I thought might have the means to help with that.
"I was wondering if you would consider a loan of $2000 that
I could pay back with interest out of proceeds from sale of a DVD of my Intensive.
I very much want to get the Intensive recorded for posterity - and know there
is a market out there for it as people are inquiring all the time.
I have also come to realize that there are many things I say in my Intensive
that are different from ways I have written in the past - and really want
to get all that on record also. So, I would use a portion of the money
to get the recording done. I really am quite desperate and so hate
having to ask - but there must be some reason in the cosmic scheme of things
that this is necessary."
If there is anyone that would be open to this kind of arrangement,
please give me a call. (760-230-1821)
So, this is where I am at in my recovery adventure / spiritual
path on August 17th 2010. Once again surrendering to the need
to ask for help and reaching out to the Magnificent Spiritual Beings
that have found some help in my work over the years. I am hoping
that this is the last time I will need to do this, but I will keep surrendering
to, and accepting, whatever is presented to me on my path by my Higher
Power because my Higher Power's Plan for things has turned out pretty
wonderful so far. Love and Joy & Peace and Abundance 2 You
& Me ~ Robert 8/17/10
"I freely
share so much information on my site because . . . I believe it is
my Karmic Mission in this lifetime. I want to share the Joyous
message and the precious information that I have discovered - and it is
what I need to do for my Recovery and Spiritual Path. It is not such
a great strategy when it comes to finances however.;-) So Donations
to the Cause / Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes are always appreciated if you
feel my sharing has helped you in your Healing / Recovery process and
on your Spiritual Path. If my writing has helped you remember Truth that
brings you some Joy and inner peace, and your Spirit moves you to send
some Love back my way . . . . - Metaphysical
Law: Giving and Receiving - Donations to the Cause / Love Offerings
/ Spiritual Tithes
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You are invited to our Wedding Reception
Mon Sep 6, 2010 9:43 pm
Hello Magnificent & Powerful Spiritual Being,
This is a quick note to let you know that you are invited to
our wedding reception on a cruise of the Caribbean in late February:
http://joy2meu.com/seminar_cruise.html
We are actually going to get married on Saturday in Cambria. Just
a little ceremony for the two of us after getting a marriage license
in San Luis Obispo on Friday. I am planning to do an Update Newsletter
later this month to tell you about it.
I added two updates to the request for help I sent out back
on August 17th - will include them here and then a short summary of what
happened after that. I have a ton of things to do to get the word
out on the cruise but wanted to get a message off to this list before
anything else.
"Update August 22, 2010: Some donations have been coming in, and some sales, enough
that I told the landlady's lawyer son on Friday that I should be able
to pay the first half of the August rent by Tuesday or Wednesday. Today
our best car broke down. If we are lucky it will just be a water
pump and cost less than $600 - but doesn't look like I will get the
rent paid when I told him. Hopefully there are some more people
who are going to take advantage of the great deals on phone counseling
or the upcoming workshop or some more donations are on the way. The
Adventure continues and More Will Be Revealed. Meanwhile Darien's aunt
and uncle took him to LegoLand on Friday and after riding the rides they
went to the Waterpark- "the Greatest Day Ever!" according to the amazing
little man. I got to watch him surf yesterday and was blown away.
He goes boldly out into the waves with his boogie board - the man
who doesn't like to get his face in the water - and rides them in. Very
cool! (A little scary for Papa to watch.;-) And he is loving
the public school so far. He is obviously way ahead of where they
are starting at, but I guess we don't have to start worrying about him
preparing for college just yet. I should have an announcement about
the cruise in February later this week. We will get married next month
but have a celebration on the cruise. Hard to have moments of Joy
when waiting for the tow truck to come take the car to the shop - but not
impossible. ;-) I know there is a Divine Plan unfolding here somehow. ~
Robert 8/22/10 6:22 pm
Update August 27, 2010:
Have gotten first half of August rent paid
and all the major utilities covered - so that is very good news! The
junker car we took on a month ago had some major problems but we found
someone who wanted just that kind of car and sold it today - seemed
like that car was going to be far more hassle than it was worth (it
had a broken motor mount so I was having to drive very carefully.) Got
the water pump on other car fixed for under $350 - it has some transmission
problems going on but hopefully is good for awhile. We rented a
car for a week while all this was going on but will have to give that
back Monday (Susan mentioned on her Facebook page that it was a cool hybrid.)
Having only one car will cause some major logistical problems but
if we have to go that way for awhile we can work it out I am sure. Susan
is going to see about buying a car on credit with perhaps a cosigner to
try to get workable payments. We went to open house at Darien's
public school last night - and afterward Susan cried. We are not
happy about his teacher or the situation. This afternoon Susan got
an e-mail from the Montessori school saying they might be able to work with
us. We both want so much to be able to send him there - but are willing
to accept the Divine Plan if that doesn't work out. Doesn't look like
I will be able to afford to record my Intensive a week from Sunday. We are
very grateful to everyone who helped out or sent good wishes. Would
be grateful to anyone else who wants to send some help our way. Hopefully
a few people will take advantage of the special offers I have available
before Saturday night when they expire. I am not sure we are going
to be able to make the trip up to Cambria to get married as we planned in
a couple of weeks - or that we will have a car that we feel confident enough
in to make the trip. If we have to postpone it a few weeks, we can. We
are just going to have a very simple ceremony with a few people up there
and then have our real celebration on the cruise hopefully. (And hopefully,
I will get some time this weekend to work on the page with information
about the cruise.)
I hope and pray this is the last time I have to ask for help
in this way. I just got all emotional writing that. I really
don't like doing this at all, but accepting and surrendering and willingness
to take action for me and my recovery have been the key to turning my
life into an Adventure worth living instead of an endurance contest of
suffering. This will be the last update to this page - I will probably
do an Update Newsletter in September. I am going to close this with
a quote from my book about acceptance and surrender and all those spiritual
principles that are so vital to making life worth living - so vital to making
it possible for me to still be celebrating life as a dance with many, many
moments of Joy & Love in it no matter what is happening with the external
circumstances. ~ Robert8/27/10 5:42 pm" - http://joy2meu.com/Help_2010.html
Two days in a row Darien came home
with a "bad" slip (saying that he had to put his dog bone under a tree
instead of at his doghouse like when he has a good day - where do they
come up with these things) and an attitude. The second day he
was the only one in the class of kindergartners who didn't follow directions
- like Abe said, excuse me, 17 5 years olds and he is the only one who
doesn't follow directions. The teacher had been teaching 6th grade for
17 years and at the open house said she would get through everything fast
so we could get home and have a glass of wine. He was acting like an
arrogant smart aleck and I could see him taking on a defensive attitude
to survive in a hostile environment. The next day we started him in
the Montessori School. They agreed to a lower price until his father
is able to get more support through the army at which time we will pay
them more. I was so emotional about being able to send him there
- didn't realize how much the other place was bothering me. Sometimes
I practice acceptance so hard I end up stuffing feelings in the process.
Am so grateful I had made and received enough by then to make it
happen.
That was last Wednesday. On Thursday Susan's Dad bought
her a new car - one that she will have to make payments to him for -
it is a 2008 Hyundai with only 30,000 miles on it. So, that is
great. Things are definitely better now and we are so grateful to
everyone who sent some Love our way. The request I made triggered money
coming in from places that had nothing to do with me asking for help - or
nothing to do directly, but metaphysically it was all about putting it out
there and having it come back from somewhere. I don't know how things
are going to unfold in the coming months because we are still running close
to the edge but we got through a crisis period and are very GRATEFULL!!!!!!!
Love and Joy 2 all of us,
Robert
From Facebook
September 5th
"Yesterday out of the blue, I got a call from an old friend I hadn't
talked to in probably 10 years - though we had reconnected here on Facebook
a couple of months ago. We had been in a men's group together in Santa
Barbara back in the late 90s. He offered to come down to film my Intensive
Training Day workshop today.... Hurrah! Hopefully the quality will be
good enough to produce a DVD. More Will Be Revealed"
September 6th
"Yesterday's near miss with being able to film one of my workshops
got me to thinking that perhaps it would be better to stage a shoot
in a studio or someplace rather than shoot an actual workshop. So, that
is the seed I am planting now - the possibility I am creating and putting
out to the Universe. I want to be able... to get my workshop material
on film within the next couple of weeks so that I can produce a DVD and
CD of the information I share in it. My friend in Santa Barbara has the
equipment and expertise - and has in fact been making DVDs and youtube
videos for a group in SB. He has transportation issues however so am thinking
I might do it up in Santa Barbara if we can find an appropriate setting.
More Will Be Revealed.
Unfortunately the friend who was coming down to film my workshop
had car problems and didn't make it. All a perfect part of the Divine
Plan somehow. sigh"
I would Love to find someone to
partner with me in being able to record and film my Intensive - either
in a studio or a live one. Anyone interested give me a call: 760-230-1821.
September 10th
It turned out that the only time of day they give out marriage
licenses in San Luis Obispo is 4:30 pm and the time they do the marriage
ceremonies is 11:30 am. In order to reach San Luis by 4:30 on Thursday
we would need to leave here by 6 am or earlier because we would hit rush
hour traffic in both Orange County and ...L.A. We decided we were not in
that much of a rush to do the legal part of it, so are just going to do
a ceremony between the two of us in Cambria this weekend and take care
of the legal part later. Susan is thinking Feb. 14, 2011. Since the Wedding
reception is going to be on the cruise in February, there wasn't really
any rush.
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We first met in person on Jan. 23rd 2005 and have
been living together since June 15th 2005 - a record for longest relationship
for both of us (by 2 years for Susan and 3 years for Robert.)
We have been able to accomplish this - despite huge fear of intimacy
issues for both of them - because we are committed to living our relationship
in a Recovery / Spiritual / Transformational context. We have
survived and 
