"When I first came to recovery I knew a lot about emotions and had almost no permission to feel them personally.  I had no permission to feel them personally because my emotional programming from the role modeling of my parents in childhood taught me that men have only one emotion - anger - and that it wasn't OK to be angry at women - since my mother's definition of love included the belief that you can't be angry at someone you love, meaning it was not OK for me to be angry at her.  My emotional palette, in terms of my personal unconscious relationship with my emotions, consisted of one color - anger - that was only truly acceptable to feel towards men.  Consciously, in my personal view of my self, I believed I was a very emotional person with a full palette.

I also knew quite a lot about emotions because I had spent many years in Hollywood pursuing an acting career.  I understood the human emotional process enough to see clearly that all humans had the same basic emotions - no matter how different their outside circumstances, or the details of their stories may have been.  When I had the right role I could play an audience like a emotional musical instrument.

In retrospect, I believe that my acting was one of the reasons I was still alive.  I got much needed emotional release through the characters I played.  It was the type of emotional release that did not do anything for me personally in terms of healing (it is very important to own our feelings, crying for someone else is emotionally dishonest - the reason someone else's pain affects us is because it triggers our own) - it just allowed me to vent some emotional energy, which kept me from exploding or imploding.  (The other major reason that I was still alive is that I had alcohol and drugs to help me keep the pain at bay.  Without alcohol I do think I would have killed myself before I was 21 because I was so emotionally isolated and had so much pain and rage stuffed inside - in fact I made a bet with a friend my freshman year in college that I wouldn't live to graduate, the bet was a case of beer.)

Whenever I started working on a new character, the first thing I would try to decide was what the characters 'gut level fears' were.  I would pontificate to other actors about how people were driven by their gut level fears - and feel very proud of my ability to create real living breathing character studies based on my methods.  (I specialized in very intense characters who were very wounded - alcoholics, addicts, loners, crazy people, etc. - like "duh" I wonder why.  I even once for an on camera personalization exercise did Hamlet's soliloquy 'To be or not to be' where he is contemplating suicide, using a drink instead of a dagger as the prop.  My acting teacher was convinced I was suicidal - I thought it just showed how brilliant I was that I was able to 'act' suicidal.  Denial is an amazing thing!)

So, my focus as an actor was on what fears drove my characters - but I personally had no fear.  When I first went into the Chemical Dependence Treatment Center where I got sober I heard people at meetings or in lectures mention being afraid.  I have a very clear memory of sitting in one of my first AA meetings where someone talked about being afraid and thinking "Who are these people!  So afraid.  I've never been afraid - they stuck guns in my face and I wasn't afraid.  These people are wimps!"

I had no permission in my subconscious programming, in the definition of what I learned men feel from my male role model, to have fear.  I was incapable of consciously acknowledging fear in my personal process because it was unacceptable.

My self image on a conscious level was of being Mr. Nice Guy.  I would do anything for you, and I was always pleasant and entertaining.  My self image on an emotional level - my protective armor that I wore unconsciously - was of the 'man in black.' The strong quiet type that you didn't want to mess with because you could see in my eyes that messing with me would be very unpleasant.  (This was a defense I developed when I was being a revolutionary and carrying a gun - I was in some pretty hairy situations and the defense served to keep me alive.)  I had a force field that I put up around myself to protect myself.  I knew how to put off vibes that said very clearly 'stay away.'

One of the important breakthroughs I had during my 30 days in treatment came in my third week there.  My counselor was not sure how to handle me because of my intensity and the fact - which, since it was where I derived much of my ego strength, I made very clear - that I was a 'Hollywood Actor.' (The treatment center was in Nebraska - a long way from Hollywood.)  So, in consultation with the other counselors they decided to keep me off balance by switching me between therapy groups - and giving each of the male counselors a shot at me.

There were three primary groups for men and usually a person was in one group the whole time they were in treatment.  In my third week, I showed up for group and was told that I had to go to a different group.  They refused to tell me why this was happening.  In about the middle of the week, I was in a group where for the first time I got to experience a full-on mirroring of myself.  The previous week in my primary group I had been confronted about putting up a barrier to scare people away - and I had responded by denying it and tearfully saying how I loved people and would never try to scare them away.  Well, in that other group I got to sit and watch another man get confronted about the same thing and deny it just as I had done - and I saw myself in him so clearly that I had to immediately point out that I could see he was not being honest because watching him I realized that I had not been honest.

At the end of this week of switching back and forth between the three groups, I was in a group with a grizzled old counselor who had been around for many years.  He asked me if I had learned anything from all the switching around and then sat and listened patiently while I expounded on all that I had learned.

    When I was done, he asked quietly and quizzically "And you didn't know why we were doing that, did you?"

    "No," I said "I had no idea."

    Then he sweetly smiled and drove home the point, "Well, maybe it is not important for you to know why something is happening then."

    Shot the heck out of some of my control issues right there.

This treatment center worked with what was called the 'Minnesota model' in dealing with emotional issues.  What that meant was that they identified 6 primary feelings and forced us patients to identify our feelings only using those words.   The 6 were mad, sad, glad, hurt, afraid, ashamed.  That drove me crazy.  One of the defenses that I used to distance myself from my feelings was not naming them.  They forced me to start naming my feelings.  I couldn't say "I was confused," or "irritated" or "apprehensive" or "annoyed" etc.  I had to name a feeling.  It really drove me crazy since I did not know on a personal level what feelings really were, let alone what I was feeling.

I was forced to start trying to figure out what I was feeling - and to stop being in my head all of the time.  One of my primary defenses against feeling my feelings was to be in my head.  In my early recovery I had to start paying attention to what was happening in my body from the neck down - because that is where emotions manifest.

Since I was so out of touch with my feelings, I had to come up with clues for myself.  Things that I could notice that would be a clue to me that feelings were going on.

By the time I got done with the 30 day program I was really in touch with my fear.  I realized that rather than never having been afraid - the truth was that I had been afraid of everybody and everything since I was a kid.  I was absolutely terrified of leaving the treatment center because I was so scared that I would drink again.  I could see clearly what a hell my life had been and I did not ever want to go back to living the way I had been.  I swore to myself that I would kill myself before I took another drink.

So wanting a drink became my most important early clue to tell me that I had some feelings going on that I needed to deal with.  When I caught myself, while watching TV, really watching the beer commercials, I would have to stop and say, "whoa, that beer really looks good - I must be feeling something."  Or when I was driving down the street and noticing every cocktail sign and liquor billboard -  that would be a clue that I needed to do a little emotional inventory.

One of the classic moments came because of a friend who was a musician.  He was having trouble staying sober while he was playing - so a few of us would go to an AA meeting on Friday or Saturday night and then go to whatever Lounge he was playing at.  It was a very good opportunity for me to be around drinking with a bunch of safe people and get used to not drinking in a social setting.  But there was one night when I realized that I had some feelings going on that made it unsafe for me to be in a bar.  My clue came when I started tearing up while my friend played what to me was a very sad ballad.  It was real progress for me to recognize that I was emotionally vulnerable and needed to get out of there.  Pretty funny in retrospect.  The sad ballad was "Jose Cuervo, he was a good friend of mine.""  - The Path of one Recovering Codependent ~ the dance of one wounded soul The Emotional Awakening Begins in the Joy2MeU Journal

"The above quote from the personal journal I share in my Joy2MeU Journal is something I wrote in 1999 while I was homeless - something I talked about in the Newsletter portion of my January 2002 Update.

"I spent 6 months in 1999 being homeless.  Not on the street homeless - I had an office for my computer - but crashing on someone's couch kind of homeless.  The lessons in acceptance and patience and letting go that I learned during that time were sacred gifts.  The level of faith that it forced me to access and practice, the depth to which I was forced to integrate my Spiritual belief system into my relationship with life, was a manifestation of Love from my Higher Power that I am now - and have been - reaping great benefits from." - January 2002 Update Newsletter: Part 1

Being homeless for that period of time - something that happened because I invested in starting this web site - was a perfect part of my lesson plan.  It was an incredible opportunity to practice what I teach.  To keep affirming that my path was unfolding perfectly even as the human part of me felt abandoned and betrayed.  It was an invaluable opportunity - a sacred gift - to work on not buying into the polarized perspective of my ego programming that was trying to tell me I was being punished for doing something wrong because of the external conditions in my life.

The fact that other people were giving me the message that I was doing something wrong - were saying things like, "what did you do to cause this?" or "how are you blocking abundance in your life?" - was additional practice in saying, "I am not doing anything wrong, I didn't cause this, I am perfectly where I am supposed to be on my Spiritual path."

It was a very important part of my recovery to stand up for myself in response to people who were conveying those types of judgmental statements.  That doesn't mean that I did not have some responsibility in creating whatever external condition those people were judging me for - or that I didn't have a lot of issues around abundance that I have been working through for years.  We have been creating cause all of our lives - and what is manifesting in our life right now may be a result of the unconscious behavior of many years ago.  In other words, someone who has been on a spiritual path for 10 years gets some kind of physical illness - that doesn't mean that their part in causing it happened since they started their spiritual awakening.  It may be that many years of unconscious behavior have contributed to that condition - behaviors that we were powerless over in the years prior to recovery.  So, when someone has a cold and you say, "well what are you doing to cause that?" - stop and think about the kind of message that conveys.  It conveys a message that the other person is doing something wrong - that they are being punished.  That is not a Loving message to convey.  Why do it?" - Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light Book 2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life Chapter 13: Changing the Music: Love instead of fear and shame (which is only available in subscription Dancing in Light section of site - which is available for a $20 donation on either my Working the Third Step or Spiritual Tithes pages) quoted in The Law of Attraction - Misunderstood & Misinterpreted

* My 39th birthday was actually in 1987 - and proved a turning point in my recovery.

"It wasn't until I set myself up to feel abandoned and betrayed on my birthday (one of my old regular patterns for special days) that I became willing to do the emotional healing - and started actively pursuing emotional healing." - The Story of Joy to You & Me

That birthday not only put me in enough pain that I was willing to actively dive into the emotional healing but also brought the intervention of a Psychic messenger (part of the Story of Joy to You & Me) who planted the seeds of Joy to You & Me, Joy2MeU, and the image of my inner child as my wounded soul - and was the first person to tell me that I was a Spiritual Being having a Human Experience

"The first time a messenger came to me carrying the message, the reminder, that I was a Spiritual Being having a human experience, I got really angry.  My first reaction was anger.  My first thought was, "That means that I've got to be out among them."

I never wanted to be out among you-all.  I always wanted to go up on a mountain and meditate my way to God.  What I have learned in this healing process is that I find God through "being out among them," through my human relationships.  We are here to learn to relate to each other.  We are here to learn to Love ourselves and each other." - Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

So, you can see that was a pretty important birthday to me.

---

** As I was writing the above, "putting out a message" wasn't nearly strong enough to describe what I was feeling.  The word that came to mind was bellow - which reminded me of Moose Medicine and led me to this quote from my November 2002 Update Newsletter.

"So, I once again reaffirm my commitment to being an ally with the Spirit where Love lives instead of with the disease where fear rules.  I Joyously, with tears running down my cheeks and sobs of Joy bubbling up my throat, proclaim and declare to you;  to the Universe;  to my Higher Power;  to The God-Force, Goddess Energy, Great Spirit, Holy Mother Source Energy;  to all that is blessed and holy;  Fuck the fear I say - full speed ahead in the direction of Love.

I trumpet and broadcast proudly out into the Universe:  my commitment to my recovery journey;  to my Karmic mission;  to speaking my Truth;  and say: "Bring it on Bubba baby!"  Because it is so worth it!  Every second of suffering and pain, terror and loneliness, is worth being able to access the Truth of Unconditional Love.  Amen.  So be it.  So it is.  Blessed be.

Should be interesting to see what happens now, don't you think. ;-)

PSS.  This is so perfect, I just couldn't help including it.  When I reread what I had just written above, and saw the word trumpet, it brought to mind the Moose totem in the Medicine Cards.  I looked up from my computer at my calendar - and guess what the picture for November is:  Moose.  The theme of Moose medicine is self esteem - of course

Here is a quote from the Medicine Card book about the significance of Moose:

"The bellow of the male Moose can be viewed as a positive force, since it represents his willingness to "tell the world" about his feelings.
  This "tell the world" trait contains a joyfulness which only comes from a sense of accomplishment.  There is no greater joy than a job well done.  This trait is therefore not a seeking of approval, but rather an enjoyment of sharing because of the spontaneous explosion of joy that comes from the deepest part of one's being."

This process is soooooo awesome!!!” - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter November 2002  (Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to quote in Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls from: Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams and David Carson, copyright 1988, Bear & Co.  Reprinted by permission Bear & Co., P.O. Box 2860, Santa Fe, NM 87504.)

Happy Monday morning to a Kindred Spirit,
Here is the Update I promised last week.

"I will let you all know what is happening next week.  It will be exciting to get my proof copy of the book tomorrow morning.  I will probably just order 20 or so books instead of the 100 - we shall see.  More will be revealed."

As of 8 am on Monday morning I have sold 8 of my new books - and gotten two donations / birthday gifts totaling $40.  One person took advantage of the cheap phone counseling rates on the special offers page to purchase 3 sessions.  One person bought the audio download of the Intensive recording.  Those are all good things, but obviously I still need all the help I can get.  Please God / Goddess / Great Spirit kick down a little help!  Please!

My proof copy did come in and looks great.  I  first ordered 25 books and when I got to check out and saw how expensive that was going to be, I opted for the cheapest mode of shipping - so those won't be here until August 4th. Then I ordered 10 at the fast rate - and those will be here this coming Wednesday 27th.  Then this morning - since I have already sold 8 - I ordered another 5 at a faster rate that will be here on Friday 29th.

Financial abundance is flowing into my life easily and effortlessly, freely and abundantly.
I now have enough time, money, wisdom, and energy to accomplish all of my desires.
The Light within me is creating miracles in my life here and now.
Abundance is my natural state of being. I accept it now!
I send Love to my fears.  My fears are the places within me that await my Love.
Large, rich, opulent, lavish, sumptuous financial surprises are now manifesting in my life and I am very, very grateful!

We are all miracles - and we deserve miracle in our lives.

Miracles 2 You & Me,
Robert

Happy Thursday morning to a member of my Spiritual Tribe,
Updating on unfolding situation.  As I mentioned Monday:

"As of 8 am on Monday morning I have sold 8 of my new books - and gotten two donations / birthday gifts totaling $40.  One person took advantage of the cheap phone counseling rates on the special offers page to purchase 3 sessions.  One person bought the audio download of the Intensive recording."

Now, as of 10 am on Thursday morning, I have sold 4 more books - for a total of 12.  No more gifts or phone counseling or any other sales.

So, not sure where the rent is going to come from - especially if the government shuts down and I don't get my social security check on the 3rd.   For months now, I have been paying the first half of the months rent ($800) right at the end of the month - mostly from my Amazon sales - and the second half of the rent (i.e. the second half of July's rent on August 3rd - thank God for a patient landlord) when my social security comes in.  Part of the challenge right now is that my Amazon sales have been way down for the last few months.  For the 10 months prior to May I was averaging almost $540 a month with a high of $699.92 (in March for February sales - that was 104 books sold at $6.73 per book the 35% that I get for sales through Amazon or book stores.)  The May and June sales were way down - with June, which I just got paid for this - being only 47 books for a total of $316.31.)  I have never really figured out any rhyme or reason with the Amazon sales - that is, I can't see where anything I do affects the sales.

The income from my national distributor which sells to book stores is call New Leaf.  The sales through them (book stores order from them and I never know what book stores or what really drives those sales either.)  It has averaged about $220 a month (also paid at the end of the month after the sales occur) but was only $121.14 this month.

The other factor financially right now is tied into my dysfunctional way of doing business.  Besides making 250 pages of content free on the internet, I also do phone counseling with people in a way that is dysfunctional from a business perspective.  That is, the work I do with people is basically designed to help them to become empowered to follow their own internal guidance and know that they don't need to rely on me or anyone else to find their own Truth and follow their own Path.  Typically the majority of my phone clients are short term because within a month or two they get enough tools and insight into how to integrate the formula I teach them, that they don't feel the need to keep calling on a regular basis.  Some people who are living in stressful situations or have some other reason, will do more long term - but normally there is a lot of turn over in my phone clients.  And lately I haven't been getting new clients while many of the people I was working with have felt empowered enough to discontinue regular sessions.

That combination of factors has put paying the rent this month a precarious proposition.  More Will Be Revealed about where it is going to come from.  I Know there is a perfect plan unfolding and that things will work out somehow, someway.  I also know that I need to keep planting the seeds.  Which brings to mind a story that I heard years ago, but had never written about until working on this new book - and I included the story in it.

"Reading this over as I was editing it for publication brought a story to mind.  It is a story of a guy who wanted a garden. He went out on his piece of land and started praying for a garden. Then he went out again the next day and spent the day praying for a garden. And then the next day. And then the next week, and the next week. After weeks of praying he got very frustrated and one day he cried out, "God, where is my garden?"

A voice from heaven replied, "My son, you have to plant the seeds." We need to take actions in the direction we want to go, towards the things we want to create - but we can't control the outcome. We need to take the actions and keep letting go of buying into thinking we will not be okay without that outcome, without reaching that destination." - Chapter 22  Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light

So, this is me planting seeds.  Hoping that putting it out to the Universe - and some people who value my work and have been supportive in the past - that I need a miracle right now in whatever form, whether it be an eskimo sending a birthday gift or some new phone counseling clients or some other types of sales.  I don't think it is part of the Universal Plan that we get evicted right now - but it is not impossible.  More Will Be Revealed.  I will post another update early in the week.

Still having lots of moments of Joy and a lot of inner peace despite external circumstances - wishing the same for you,
Robert

Hello Kindred Spirit on my Yahoo mailing list,
First the good news.  Darien's Dad is here on a short visit from Afghanistan.  Darien hasn't seen him in two years and was so excited to see him.  He went to Alaska first (where he has been stationed for the last few years - which is why Darien hasn't seen him in 2 years) and got engaged to the woman he was seeing there and brought her down with him.  She seems to be really good for him and has gotten Susan's seal of approval.  He just got here yesterday and has to leave on Wednesday - but it is great for Darien to see him.

Now for the not so good news - to update the unfolding situation.  I added this paragraph to my Working the Third Step page on the 12th.

"I ended up getting a total of $300 in donation / gifts.  I did not sell any more of the new books until day before yesterday.   A couple of people who were going to buy more phone sessions anyway, took advantage of the sale price.  Those were the only direct results of this appeal.  Indirectly - manifestations that came from the Universe in response to my call for help - I had 3 new people sign up for phone counseling - although two of them only bought a single session so far.  And a person who was in town for a conference did an in person session which helped with paying the rent.  Have gotten July's rent paid now.  Still no money for reprinting the book or making new copies of the CDs - although I do have enough of them now to fill all the orders that had come in.  More will be revealed as the month unfolds."

Now it is the morning of the 22nd.  I am in a lot of pain this morning.  It has been days at a time with no sales of any kind.  No more donations have come in.  I sold another copy of Dancing in The Light on Friday - so that brings total to 16 books.  I was so sure that I would sell a bunch of them as soon as it was published.  I finally got enough copies of the CD to fill the orders I already had (although I had to space out mailing them because of not being able to afford to mail them all at once) - and now have a good quality clean copy - as soon as I get the money to burn some more I will start selling them again.  I have gotten no new phone clients since the 3 I mentioned on the 12th.  Someone signed up for my Intensive on the 28th - but now I only have 2 people signed up.  I have to decide today whether I need to cancel it or not.  Three phone counseling clients who were doing regular appointments had to stop because of finances.

This week there are a bunch of bills coming due.  Starting with Electric bill tomorrow.  And when I say coming due, I mean that we are two months behind and tomorrow is the day I have to pay the past due month or they will cut of the electricity.  Someone bought two copies of The Dance this morning, so that money will be in Wednesday - and if I wait long enough in the day tomorrow I can probably pay that and hope that it doesn't go through before the money coming in Wednesday.  Not sure what I am going to do with any of the other bills - or with groceries and such either.

The last few nights I have been waking up regularly and praying every time for the Universe to kick down some money.  I have had special offers posted for over a week for both my workshop and my two books and the recording of the workshop with both books - and no takers so far.  I am in a lot of pain this morning even though I still have faith that things will work out somehow.  I have said for years that I have great Faith in the perfection of my Higher Power's plan but I don't always like the details of it.  Or the timing sometimes, since I often get what I need at what feels to me like the "last fucking minute."  It seems like the last minute right now - so I have to take the action of putting it out to the Universe that I need help.  I so hate having to do this again - but am willing to surrender to what I need to do.  More Will Be Revealed as usual.

This is one of those times where I get to practice my dubious honor of being able to role model that it is okay to be human.  Here is an excerpt from a news addendum to my Update Newsletter in the summer of 2000 when I was presented with the possibility that I was going to be homeless again.

"There are times however, when life events feel emotionally battering.  When the experience of life feels abusive.  When if feels as if my Higher Power is being sadistic and anything but Loving.  The tools still work at times like that - but they work in terms of giving me the patience to know that this too shall pass.  They work to help me be gentle and kind to myself at times when I am very uncomfortable emotionally.  If I try to force myself out of an emotionally uncomfortable place, then I am being judgmental and abusive to myself.  I need to be able to accept wherever I am at - no matter how uncomfortable.

In those times, I need to allow myself to do whatever it takes to make it through the day without abusing and shaming myself. . . . It also brought up grief from the past, for the many other times I have been in a similar position of feeling like my Higher Power was abandoning me.  That fear and pain can be overwhelming at times.

In those times when life feels emotionally battering, it can be very hard to stay out of a victim place.  It very much feels like I am the victim - either of an unavailable and unloving Higher Power, or of my own shameful, defective being. . . .

By allowing myself to go through the process:

    to do some grief and anger work when I could;
    to take positive actions to nurture myself, and plant seeds that could possibly meet my future needs, when that was possible;
    to not try to force myself into a different emotional space just because I was judging that there was something wrong with the one I was in;
    to keep working on being patient with myself and my process while affirming the positive and my faith in the future;

- I emerged from that space into one of being more creatively and positively centered again.  The outside conditions - that is, the unknown factors about the future in terms of finances and lodging - have not changed, but my attitude towards them, and therefore my relationship with what is happening in my life has shifted.  I forced myself to be patient with myself.  I forced myself to do positive affirmations.  I worked on not giving power to judgment about what was happening, and did not try to force my feelings to change - but rather worked on changing my relationship with them.

I was not in that negative emotional space because I was doing something wrong, or because something is defective about who I am.  I went through that experience - am going through this experience - because it was a perfect part of the Universal plan in some way.  I went through it so I could learn and grow.  Probably, part of the reason I went through it was so I could write about it and therefore perhaps give some of you who read this a little more permission to be human - and a little more patience with yourself and this recovery process." - News of the Adventure, June & July 2000

That was a very painful and scary period in my recovery - and it was followed by a miracle in September when someone sent me a donation to the cause that allowed me to get the small garage apartment in Cambria where I did so much of my writing over the next 5 years.  (Something I talk about in the most important - to me - Update Newsletter I ever wrote, the one from October 2000 which there is a link to at the bottom of the page just quoted.)

The situation that I am going through now, is a time when I have sometimes felt emotionally battered by life.  I have this year focused on taking action to provide more cash flow by creating new products out of the resources (my writing) that I already have.   First the CD project turned into a nightmare.  Then I got the recording available - and have sold only a few of them.  Now the Dancing in The Light book that I was so sure would sell lots of copies.  It feels like the harder I try, the worse things have gotten.  That is just a feeling - but it is a strong feeling at times.  And it is very important for me to own the pain that I feel - and acknowledge the fear that is not far from the surface most of the time.  If I don't do that I am denying my feelings.  Just to proclaim my faith and do positive affirmations without owning the feelings is not healthy or honest.  We don't want to put frosting on a shit cake - to borrow a phrase Susan picked up in Landmark.

I don't let the feelings define me because I stand up to the critical parent voice that is telling me that being in this position is my fault, because I am unworthy and defective - but I also don't deny the feelings.  I accept them and move through them by telling myself that it is going to be okay - because deep down I Know it is somehow.  But for some moments of this morning it hasn't felt that way - and I needed to cry and sob.  Now I am taking the action of putting the word out to the Universe (and to some Eskimos and Angels on my e-mail list) that I need help.  The help will come from some place - and I don't need to know today where that will be.  I don't need to know today how I will pay the bills this week or the rent next week.  I am already feeling much better because I am affirming to myself as I own the feelings that everything is going to be okay.  I am planting seeds - and something will grow.  What it will be is in the More Will Be Revealed realm right now.

Love 2 You & Me,

Robert

Hello to the folks on my yahoo mailing list,

I posted the following on my Donations page a week or so ago - and this is all the update about finances that I am going to be doing for now.

On September 5, 2011 I added this to my Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving page.

September 2011

I was able to keep my book in print in 2003 and in the years since then through miracles and donations to Joy2MeU.  In 2008 I had to reprint my book again - and was able to, right before the economy crashed.

"I posted that article (the one I mention just above about "Leap of Faith ~ Publishing The Dance") as part of sending out a request for donations to help keep my book in print one more time.  The combination of not getting nearly as many donations as I had hoped, and the printing company printing a large print run without getting my final approval, put us in a real hard financial place that September.  Then the bottom fell out of the economy shortly after that." - Joy2MeU Update Newsletter May 2010

Since the recession hit, things have been very difficult.  Anyone who is interested in finding out the details can check out Asking for Help 2010 or my messages to my Yahoo Mailing list (for the most recent developments.)  This year I have made a concerted effort to create more cash flow by making more products available.  Each of these new products I thought was going to bring a significant increase in income (just as I thought all those years ago that Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls would become a best seller.)  The results have been very disappointing.  I now have a recording of my Intensive Training Day available - something people have been asking for for years - and I have only sold a few of them.  I have produced CDs of the digitally remastered version of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls An Audio Spiritual Experience - and now I can't afford to burn more copies to sell.  I was finally able to publish Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light  Book 1 Empowerment, Freedom, and Inner Peace through Inner Child Healing - and have sold less than 2 dozen copies.  I will be needing to reprint The Dance of Wounded Souls again before the year is over - but don't have the money I need to do that either.

So maybe it is this year - 2011 - that the book goes out of print and I can't keep my website going any longer.  I hope not - but as I said above, I can accept whatever the plan is as it is revealed.  The economy seems to be getting worse, so more will be revealed about what is going to happen.

Love offerings and Spiritual tithes are always welcome and very much appreciated.  I appreciate that you have even read this page - and if your Spirit moves you to send some money energy this way, I will be very grateful. ~  Robert 9/5/11

I am sick of asking for help - and it seems a lot of you are sick of hearing me ask.  I actually had one person say that they thought I was unethical and violating boundaries by asking my e-mailing list for help.  This is someone who has found my work very helpful - and would never had gotten the chance to experience it had I not been asking for help in keeping my book in print and my website going for years.  I have over 200 pages of valuable original writing on my site that is free to anyone who can access the internet.  Having that material available has helped tens of thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of people over the years - a very, very small percentage of which ever bought anything from me or donated to keeping the material available.

I am sorry that person saw what to me is working the third step (I took all the updates off that ASKing for help page by the way) as unethical and a violation of boundaries.  I am powerless over the judgments of other people.  I stated in my very first Newsletter for my first crude website on July 1, 1988 (and quoted in my choosing a therapist page), I don't see a separation between me as a teacher and counselor and the people I work with.

"Traditional therapy/counseling in this society is set up as a one up-one down situation - that is, the therapist is set up as the expert who treats the poor unfortunate patient. . . . I am in process just as my clients are - just as we all are.  There is no hierarchy as far as I am concerned - just one wounded person/Magnificent Spiritual Being sharing what has worked for me with another wounded person/Magnificent Spiritual Being. I am doing what I need to do for myself, to heal myself - it doesn't have to do with anyone else - that it helps other people is just a bonus (and an opportunity to settle Karma)." - Inner Child Healing - Choosing a therapist or counselor with discernment

As I say in this quote - and in the quote just below - I am just doing what I need to do for my recovery.  The Path I am one, is not one that I envisioned or chose on any conscious level - it is where I was led.

"I freely share so much information on my site because - as I say in the article above - I believe it is my Karmic Mission in this lifetime.  I want to share the Joyous message and the precious information that I have discovered - and it is what I need to do for my Recovery and Spiritual Path.  It is not such a great strategy when it comes to finances however.;-)  So Donations to the Cause / Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes are always appreciated if you feel my sharing has helped you in your Healing / Recovery process and on your Spiritual Path. If my writing has helped you remember Truth that brings you some Joy and inner peace, and your Spirit moves you to send some Love back my way - there are donation links on this page." - Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving

Susan has often told me that I make too much information available for free - and that I am one of those artist types who doesn't know anything about marketing.  And those things are probably both true.  If I am in a reactive place when she says those things I take it as criticism and feel hurt by it, react out of the little boy who was always being criticized by his father.  However a month or so ago when I was in a lot of pain about our finances and feeling awful about having to ask for help again, Susan said something to me that pulled me out of my reaction.  She said, "But your life isn't about making money - it has never been about making money.  You life is about being of service."

And I am honored and grateful to get the chance to be of service by doing what I am led to do and going where I am led to go.  Just wish it wasn't so hard paying the bills along the way.

One of the consequences of our situation is that it was never a real option this year to send Darien back to the Montessori School.  For those of you who weren't around last year - or haven't read the messages from last year at this time - we started Darien in kindergarten in public school last year and then were real concerned about the teacher and situation as we saw it the first couple of weeks of school.  When we moved down here to the San Diego area 5 years ago, we put Darien in a Montessori preschool because it was cheaper than daycare - and both Susan and I needed to be able to work during the daytime.   The Montessori preschool he was in didn't have a kindergarten until the last year he was there - and then it was just one period a day and not really a full fledged kindergarten.  When both Susan and I started crying out of our fear for him after the Back to School Night where we heard the teacher talking to the parents, we managed to work out a deal with another Montessori school for him to attend there (something we really couldn't afford, but felt we couldn't afford not to for Darien's sake.)  And I think that school was real good for him. But it started with first grade - and though Darien was the only kid at the first grade level, we got to thinking of him as being in the first grade.  And it was normal for him to expect to go to the second grade this year - something we really didn't even think about.

Well it turned out, that though the Montessori School was good at teaching him math and sciences, he is still at a very beginning first grade level when it comes to reading.  His teacher expressed her concern to Susan in the first week - and said he was really reading at a kindergarten level.  It wasn't until that happened, that we really realized that he had essentially skipped kindergarten.  And when one of the kids in his class had his 8th birthday it really drove home the point that Darien was much younger than most of the class.  In helping him with his reading, I could see that he just wasn't developmentally ready for level they were expecting of him - and we asked that he be moved back to first grade.  We had an evaluation meeting with the teachers and the principle and now Darien will be moving to a first grade class on Monday.

We are really hoping that this is not going to be emotionally traumatizing for him - and he seems to be taking it in stride (explaining to people when it comes up that he skipped kindergarten.)  I think it is really the best thing for him - but so hope none of the kids tease him about it or anything.  We love that little man so much and are really trying to do what is best for him.  His father was home for 3 days on leave from Afghanistan this month - and it is the first time he has seen him in two years - and he won't see him again for another year.  His mother is missing in action - on the run from violating her probation for several drug related felony convictions - and he hasn't seen her in months.  He is actually used to them not being around, since that has been the norm for years now.  But every once in a while he will get into some grief about it.  Usually he starts off crying about being sad because he hasn't seen a friend at the kids club in a long time, or sad about his cat being gone (the cat has been gone for 4 years) - before getting around to owning that he misses his mommy.

A bit earlier today, I was at the gym with Darien. When I picked him up from the kids klub there, the person who had been supervising the kids was just gushing about him.  She said "He is such a leader."  And in talking to her - telling her about him - I was reminded of just how smart the little man is.  I talked in earlier messages to this list, about how when we moved down here in September 2006 he had very little experience of interacting with other kids. Susan and I became his full time guardians in April of 2006 - though his mother and father had been living with us up to that time and we had been taking care of him part of the time.  The montessori school we put him in - and the kids club at the gym - were the places where he really learned how to relate to other kids.  I mentioned - in probably more than one of my past messages here - how when he was little I would take him to the park or the kids club and he would run right up to any kids around (even kids much older) and ask them if they would play with him.  This often set him up to get his feelings hurt - and he would feel really badly when the kid or kids didn't want to play with him (and I would feel really sad for him.)  But at some point, he figured out that if he brought along some toy or something that other kids would be interested in, then they would ask to play with him.

It was probably when he was close to 4 when he started doing that. And he has been doing it ever since.  As I was telling her how he figured out that bringing something helped him find kids to play with - and she was saying how smart he is - the scene when we first got to the gym flashed in my mind.  He is bringing what they call beyblades with him these days (little things that spin like tops and battle in a little arena - very popular with little boys.) As soon as we got there, the boys all descended on his arena and started grabbing at them - at which point he stepped in and started setting boundaries with them.  And I said to her - this being the first time I ever put words to what I was seeing - that bringing something that other kids wanted to play with had forced him to learn how to set boundaries.  This was really what she was talking about when she was saying what a leader he is - that he was setting boundaries and making rules for other kids to follow.

She then gushed about how much personality he has - which reminded me (something I have also mentioned here in past messages) about how I started calling him Mr. Personality before he could even walk and talk.  Darien brings so much Joy to Susan and I - he is such a gift in our lives.  We are blessed with Great Abundance because we have Darien in our lives.  He is such a precious little man.

With Joy & Love to Susan & Darien & Me & U 2,
Robert